Emilio was sitting in the corner of a snack bar. He'd gotten himself some fries, but his appetite was hard to find. The words he had spoken to Juan kept echoing through his head. Why the hell had he done that? He hated himself for it. There was no point in telling Juan; it would only cause problems with his girlfriend. He'd helped Juan to get over a broken heart once before and that was the last thing he wanted to do again. 

Not that he was sure that he would even get a chance to help Juan. Juan might have been the one taking the initiative, but Emilio was the one who should have stopped him. He hadn't been drunk. But like always, he'd been fucking selfish and now he had ruined his best friend's relationship. 

With a grunt, he rubbed his face. He had a hell of a headache. Where the hell should he go now? Juan was his only friend and he wouldn't want to see him anytime soon. He had no money to pay for a hotel, he was still waiting for his first paycheck.  He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the list of names to see if there was someone at whose place he could crash. There were some guys from high school he still talked to now and then, but none of them lived close to this town and he needed shelter for more than one night. He scrolled further down as he thought about the past weeks. He thought it was pathetic how few people he had spoken to since he was here. His thoughts wandered off to Rory, the only one with whom he'd felt a real connection. But that was based on what? Two hours talking? He bit his cheek. There was only one other possibility he could think of and he opened a chat with Alex. In her eyes, he'd had his punishment once she beat him up in the ring; the past two weeks they'd had a beer now and then after work. Maybe she would be okay with it.

— You still got that extra room? 

She'd told him about her roommate who served in the army and was away most of the time, but that she was too much attached to her privacy to sublet the place. 

He stuffed a few cold fries in his mouth while awaiting her answer. It didn't take long before the screen lit up. 

— Why? 

He bit his cheek, sighed and swallowed the shame. After all, she was his only chance. 

— I'm in a fight with Juan and I don't know where else to go. 

The moment he sent the text, he regretted it. It sounded so dependent, so... pathetic. He flinched. 

— Okay. But I'm in a terrible mood and I'm gonna get wasted. 

Alex in a terrible mood... Well, that wasn't exactly something he wanted to witness. But okay, if he had to, he'd accept a shiner to get a roof above his head. 

— Wanna get wasted together then? 

All he got in return, was a thumbs up. 

. . .

"Why you're in a fight with your friend?" Although Alex was sitting next to him on the couch, both their feet at the coffee table, her voice sounded far away. It was close to midnight and they were well on the way with their bottles of Jägermeister and Havana Club. They watched a few episodes of Top Gear and laughed about things nobody else would find funny, but neither of them cared. They were alone anyway. And Alex wasn't the worst when she was tipsy. 

Emilio dropped back his head and stared at the ceiling which was waving like the sea. "Since when are you a good listener?'

She chuckled. "I'm not. I just want to make fun of you but that's easier when I know what all the fuss is about."

He pouted his lips. "That's mean. I'm sure you're gonna laugh really loud."

She rolled her head aside and rested on his shoulder. "Then I'll tell you what happened to me today. I'm sure that's even worse."

"You go first."

She was silent for a while. "I liked a guy. I met him at the same night I met you." She heaved a deep sigh. "We were dating for like... three weeks? Anyway, today we decided we liked each other enough to make things more serious. So I went home, we started kissing... He took off my shirt..."

Emilio whistled, which he regretted immediately because she slammed her elbow between his ribs. 

"Ouch," he grumbled. 

She chuckled and went back to leaning against him. For a while she was quiet. "Where was I?"

"You took off your shirt. Maybe you should enact it."

"I don't wanna traumatize more people."

"Why? You got three tits? Guess most guys won't mind."

She snickered. "Well, this one would've. For apparently, he was gay. And he thought that I was a guy."

His stomach cramped up at the word 'gay' but he laughed it off and took another sip Jägermeister. For a moment he imagined how that would be; being on your way to have sex and finding out your crush was of the opposite sex. He laughed even harder, even when Alex poked him in the ribs another time. 

"Did you two do it anyway?"

"No. He was in shock. He went home. There goes my chance on a steamy night."

He wrapped an arm around her. "Luckily you still have me. I can give you that steamy night."

"It's not the same." She sighed. "I really liked him. And in my life, there have only been a few guys I really liked. Really liked, you know?" She cocked her head aside. "You ever really liked someone?"

Emilio was silent. He had asked himself that question multiple times. In high school, he had a girlfriend he really thought he had feelings for, but it never stopped him from cheating on her. A lot. His thoughts shot to Mateo and what Juan had said; that he'd moaned his brother's name. But no — he refused to admit it. It had just been a crazy twist in his mind. 

"Dunno," he muttered. He squeezed his eyes when he suddenly pictured Rory's face and he growled in annoyance. Fuck. Off. 

He felt that Alex turned towards him and he opened his eyes again. She studied his face. "It's your turn now. Tell me about your fight. Now I'm gonna laugh at your misery."

Right. That was fair. Emilio however wasn't in the mood to tell anyone what had happened, even when he knew that Alex wouldn't shout it from the rooftops. But he could already hear her teasing comments, every time an attractive guy would enter the garage. 

"It's nothing," he muttered. 

"You're a wuss. It can't be more embarrassing than what I told you."

"Yeah, it can." After all, nothing had happened between Alex and that dude. The same couldn't be said about him. 

Alex raised her arm, ran her fingers through his hair and pulled at it. Indignantly, he looked at her. "If you make me laugh, I'll sleep with you." Her grasp tightened and she pulled back is head as if she wanted to expose his throat. "And I promise you it will be a whole different experience than the innocent girls you use to fuck." Her lips moved to his ear. "Bambi."

Her hot breath chased a chill down his spine. Good sex — that was exactly what he needed right now. She might look like a guy, but she had at least a cunt. 

She let go of him. Emilio took another sip and contemplated telling her a whole different story. Yet, he suspected her to see through, even when she was drunk, and apart from that, his own drunk head wasn't very helpful with coming up with a story. 

"I kissed him," he said eventually. "And more. He was drunk and high and he doesn't remember."

She chuckled. "And you asked me if I was a faggot?"

Emilio clenched his jaw. "I'm not a fag," he grumbled. 

"Ah." She studied his face. "So you experimented a bit with your best friend. Most kids do that when they're 13, but you're never too old to learn. I don't see the problem. Especially if he doesn't remember anyway."

Emilio looked the other way. He could leave it at this. It had just been an experiment, nothing more. But he just had to get his frustration and doubts off his chest and that was easier now he wasn't sober. "The experiment wasn't the problem, the outcome was."

Suddenly she started to laugh. 

At least she's going to sleep with me. 

It barely cheered him up. 

"You really are homophobic, aren't you?" She started to laugh even harder. "A homophobe who finds out he's into guys himself. That's like a Nazi discovering that he's Jewish."  

Ashamed, Emilio turned his face away. How should he react to that? It was true. In high school, there had been a boy who he had bullied so much because of his sexuality that Juan had hit him and had sworn that he didn't want to be friends anymore if he ever did something like he had done after that school party again. 

Now, he started to wonder if his subconscious had always fought his sexuality, causing that hatred for gay people. 

"And Juan found out, isn't it?" Alex asked once she was done laughing. 

"I didn't know how to behave around him anymore," he said. "When he kept pushing me, I told him the truth. And since he has a girlfriend, he was shocked."

Alex didn't answer immediately. She pulled the bottle out of his hand, heaved it to see what was still left, and downed it. "And now you're in love with him?"

"No."

She chuckled. "That woulda been quite the drama, huh? But you are in love with someone else, huh? Di-"

Emilio smashed his lips against hers. He was done talking. If he was going to have sex, he didn't want to talk about Mateo or Rory right before the deed. If it was up to him, he never thought back to whatever he felt for them and hopefully, one night with his boss was enough to be a normal straight guy again.