April 17, 2020

Friday, 4:05 am

Well… I’m back. You know what that means. Yup, I (you) have Alzheimer’s. I spent four months trying to deny the unchanging fact that I’m slowly going senile… But, what’s the use? No matter what I do, I won’t be able to fight it. The four doctors I went to after that first one all said the same thing: early onset Alzheimer’s. 

You must be shocked, disappointed, confused… the whole shabang. But don’t worry, that initial reaction fades after a while— once you realize you can’t do anything about it. You just gotta give in at the end and accept the fact that you now have to adjust your entire life to accommodate your… illness, no matter how old or young you may be. Yeah, it freaking sucks; can’t deny that at all.

You might also be wondering why I haven’t written anything for the past four months. Well, to put it simply, I’ve been researching this shit (yeah, I’m gonna cuss quite a bit, so brace yourself) for a while now… but I’ve come up with nothing. Sort of. 

Not many people even get this type of Alzheimer’s, only 5-10% of those diagnosed with Alzheimer’s are under 65. Even less for those who get it in their 30s. I still think it’s bullshit. I’m still angry that I got it. Why? Why do I need to sacrifice my youth, my career, my life all because of some incurable, fucking disease? Just why?

… I (and you, my future self) can keep going on and on, asking these pointless questions to yourself… But what will it do? Will it miraculously save you from this never-ending nightmare? Will you or I be able to keep my most cherished memories by asking such questions? 

No, they won’t. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be mad about it. If someone ever tells you to “get over it”, tell them that at least they ain’t a senile, 30-something-year-old who’s slowly becoming an infant all over again. Let’s see what they can say to that!

You may be wondering what else I’ve been up to for the past four months. I can tell you about the nitty gritty details, but I’m not going to. It’s not important for you to remember (not that you’d even remember it). Well, maybe I’ll tell you a few things so that you’re aware. 

First, I made a will. I thought I would be doing such a thing when I’m in my 60s… or 50s at the earliest. Who the hell makes a will at 30 years old? Even the lawyer I went to looked at me funny at first… until I told them I have Alzheimer’s. He thought I was joking and told me to fuck off and tried to kick me out of his office. I ended up showing him my helpcard. That shut him up real quick, haha! Idiot.

Right! I also set aside some money for medical bills, so you won’t need to worry about that, future self. I always thought I’d use my savings for my retirement to live out on— not on medical bills during my 30s! Thank God I worked my ass off for the past eight years, huh? I never once went on vacation or even went home for the holidays all in hopes to ‘make it big’ in the world … Damn… Now, look at me, going senile when I’m 30. 

The more I think about it, the more annoyed and pissed off I’m getting. Fuck it. Let’s move on to another topic, shall we?

What else… What else have I done for the past four months… I guess, besides all those visits to the doctor’s office and visiting a lawyer, I’ve been working at the hotel. You know, the usual, baking pastries and cake 24/7/365. Thankfully, I haven’t forgotten about adding key ingredients again like that one time…

  I was able to brush it off pretty well— the whole croissant incident, I mean. I lied that I was extremely fatigued and exhausted. No one questioned my lame excuse, seeing that we’re always working odd hours and baking cakes and pastries for over 13 hours a day. Ha... Let’s just hope I don’t forget anything else until I quit my job, eh?

Right now, it’s currently 4:30 am and in a few minutes I’m going to have to head out to the hotel and prep for the day. We’re going to be making Paris—Brest with crème de marrons  (chestnut cream) today for a wedding reception tomorrow. As you can already imagine, it’s going to be a hectic day; and I’m all here for it. The more work I have to do, the better! It’s a great way to temporarily forget the fact that I now have an incurable disease. 

Besides, who doesn’t love the smell of freshly baked pastry? You must be some… Idk, grumpy person(?) to not like the smell of sweets.

Okay, that’s it for now. I’ll be back tomorrow.

**NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.**