I leaned against the wall, watching over the schoolyard and the city. The rooftop was empty and silent, just like I wanted. I came there to escape from the crowded, noisy hallways and to hide from everything and everyone so I could… Could what?

Think?

I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. The anxiety was getting worse with each passing day. There were moments I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There were moments I could only sit still, feeling paralyzed.

Why did I feel like I was losing control? Why did I feel like everything was falling apart around me? Like everything was slipping past my fingers, no matter how hard I tried to hold on to it all. I didn’t know what to do. About anything. I couldn’t even name the things I needed to do something about. Every time I tried, I felt something big and bad grasping at my throat.

I couldn’t stand still any longer. I walked to the railings, taking a tight hold on them before leaning hard against them, letting my head drop between my arms. I tried to breathe, but the anxiety was returning with force.

What was wrong with me?

The door opened behind me, so I quickly straightened my posture and turned around to see who it was. Of course it was Jax. No one else came up here.

I tried to smile at him and get a grip at the same time.

“I was wondering why I didn’t see you in the lunch hall,” he said, slowly making his way to me, lighting a cigarette. “Not hungry?”

I shook my head, stepping closer to him. “I had a big breakfast.”

That was a lie, but there was no way I could eat at that moment.

I grabbed him by his waist and pulled him closer. He looked at me, his right hand tugged under his left arm, and the left hand holding the cigarette, pointing it at me like he was telling me I’d get burned if I did something stupid. But at the same time, his taunting eyes were challenging me to do something stupid. When I leaned in to kiss him, there was only one thing on my mind.

I wanted to get burned.

He didn’t burn me. We were past that phase now, or at least I assumed so. His walls had grown thin and small after he showed me his scars earlier this week. He was finally warming up to me. He was actually warming up to me, not just throwing small bones at me here and there.

He gave me actual answers if I asked something. His tone was never hostile when he spoke to me. He didn’t roll his eyes when I tried to hold him. He didn’t burn me when I kissed him.

“Ah!”

He did like to bite me, though. His eyes were smiling at me while he kept my lower lip tightly pinned between his teeth. Ah, fuck, it hurt. I held him tighter by his hips, the familiar heat rising inside me. I wanted to bite him back.

He let go of me a short moment later, and I touched my lip to see if I was bleeding. Nope, not this time, either. At least he was being careful enough not to break my skin. He had a smug smile on his face as he brought his smoke to his lips.

“So you’re busy tonight?” Jax asked, and the anxiety immediately returned.

“Yeah…” I breathed out, my good mood gone.

“I’m getting off from work at four tomorrow,” he said.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” I asked, glad to change the subject.

“I could go out to eat. There’s this new Chinese place at the mall.”

“Chinese it is then,” I said.

Jax leaned back a little, trusting me to support him. He took a good, long look at me, his eyes studying me closely.

“Yes, I’ve been told I’m very handsome,” I said to lighten up the mood, but he ignored me.

“You’re having a bad day, aren’t you?” he asked quietly.

“Straight to the point, huh?” I muttered and sighed.

“Is it because of tonight?”

“It’s just another lecture with Dad,” I said dismissively.

“Really?” he asked, raising his eyebrow at me in disbelief. “I have eyes, you know.”

“He’s just trying to help, all right? I want to get into Yale, of all places, so I need his help.”

“You’re doing pretty well on your own,” he noted.

“It’s not good enough. It’s Yale we’re talking about,” I reminded him, letting go of him.

He stared at me when I turned my back on him and leaned against the railings. I assumed he’d continue speaking, but he stayed silent. Of course he stayed silent. He wasn’t a pushy person.

“It’s nothing, really. I knew this year would be very stressful,” I eventually said to break the silence.

“We’re only two months into the year, and you already look like you’re ready to jump off this building.”

I snorted loudly and laughed a little, but not out of amusement. Then I realized something.

Two months. I’d already spent a month trying to make Jax tell me he loved me. That thought nearly freaked me out, but I forced myself to stay calm. Calm-ish.

“It’ll be over fast,” I muttered.

So would the bet.

“The year or jumping off the building?”

“I’m not jumping off the building,” I said and turned to look at him.

He gave me a disbelieving look.

“I’m not.”

“You’d better not,” he said, dumped his smoke, and started walking to the door. “You coming?”

I turned to look over the railing. Then I looked down at the ground so, so many feet below us. Yeah, I was definitely not jumping off the building. If I wanted to end my life, I’d choose something much, much less scary.

But I didn’t want to end my life. I just wanted to get a better grip on it.

Friday night with Dad was… At least it didn’t give me the urge to jump off a building. Dad had to stay at work on Saturday, so I was feeling less claustrophobic while I waited for Jax to get off from work. I used that time to catch up with homework, and I was actually quite happy with my progress.

I had to admit Jax may have been onto something. Studying did seem much easier when Dad wasn’t hovering behind my shoulder.

I checked the time around two o’clock and went to take a shower so I could start getting ready for our date. I’d thought I still had plenty of time but when I stepped back out, I had a missed phone call and a message from Jax, letting me know his aunt had let him get off early and that he’d be waiting for me at the mall.

“Fuck!”

I hurried to get dressed. With my hair still soaking wet, I pulled the clothes on, grabbed my wallet and my keys, and practically ran out of my home and to my car. I sent Jax a message, telling him I’d be there soon, and started driving.

It took me twenty minutes to get there, and a couple of more minutes to find an empty parking space. I texted Jax, asking where he was, before getting out of the car and heading to the main entrance. I headed to the second floor after he told me to, and there, I spotted him standing next to a shop, looking at something in the window.

I slowed down when I saw his expression and stopped when I realized what he was looking at. He was checking out the female clothes, the skirts in particular, even though there were clothes for men right next to them.

I would’ve shrugged it off as him just reading through labels in boredom, but that look on his face was… not quite sad, but close. I wouldn’t have thought anything of that either, but… He was using makeup. I had seen his makeup arsenal. It wasn’t just mascara and eyeliner to look tough. Most of the girls I’d dated would’ve given anything to get their hands on his collection.

I continued my way to him in silence and stopped behind him without him noticing me.

“Nice skirts,” I spoke in his ear, nearly getting my head karate-chopped right off.

“Fucking hell! Don’t sneak up on people like that, you fucking weirdo!” he hissed at me, while I was coughing up the remains of my Adam’s apple.

“S-sorry,” I said and smirked once I’d recovered enough from the hit.

He let out a frustrated groan and tried to march away, but I grabbed his hand and twirled him back around.

“Not so fast,” I said, pulling him with me when I stepped closer to the window Jax had been staring at. “I want to hear more about these skirts.”

“Skirts are clothes,” Jax said without missing a beat. “And humans use clothes to stay warm. There are blue skirts and red skirts and–”

He stopped speaking when I laughed and pulled him closer. “No. I want to know why you were looking at them.”

“Fuck off. I wasn’t looking at them.”

“You were definitely looking at them,” I said, keeping my voice quiet. “I was just wondering if you find skirts interesting.”

“Why would I?” he nearly spat at me.

“Jax.”

He was still glaring at me, but the fact that he was letting me hold him gave me courage. The hostility in his voice told me he was protecting his secret, and it was getting clear he wasn’t comfortable talking about it with me.

“Okay, okay. I believe you,” I said and let him off the hook before I’d get my head chopped off for real. “So, Chinese?”

To my surprise, he didn’t reply to me. He was again staring at the skirts, and his hostility seemed to be gone. I waited for a bit, but I suppose he wasn’t able to decide what to do.

“You know I wouldn’t mind, right?” I asked quietly. “I like skirts. Skirts are pretty.”

“Not on me,” he muttered so quietly I nearly missed it.

“Why not let me be the judge of that?” I asked in an encouraging manner. “I’m actually not sure why, but the idea of you wearing a skirt doesn’t bother me.”

“I’m a dude,” he said. “With massive scars on my legs.”

“And you don’t like it when people see them,” I said and nodded. “There are stockings, and leggings. You know, clothes to keep humans warm,” I said, hoping my joke didn’t make him mad.

It didn’t, but it didn’t bring up his mood, either.

Then a thought occurred to me. “Are you a dude?”

He turned to glare at me. “Of course I’m a dude. Balls and everything, as you may know.”

I raised my eyebrows at him without saying a word. He stared at me for a moment longer, then turned his attention back to the skirts. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m a dude.”

“Dudes can wear what they want. And I think you’d look hot in a skirt.”

“You just wish I was a girl,” he said and snorted.

I did not like those words at all.

“Hey. Bisexual guy here. I’m attracted to both genders.”

“But what if I’m neither?” he asked, and I could tell it was a serious question.

“Then I’d be attracted to that gender, too,” I said, carefully tightening my hold on him.

“That would make you pansexual then.”

I laughed lightly. “Come on, throw me a bone. I’m new to all this sexuality and gender stuff.”

“Fine,” he muttered, and relaxed in my arms. “I… maybe kind of wouldn’t mind trying it on…”

“Which one?” I asked, resting my chin on his shoulder.

“The red one,” he said, nudging his head to the left. It was a simple skirt, not knee length, but not short either, and had black lace decorations around the seams. It came with a big, black belt, too.

“It looks hot,” I murmured. “It’s your color, too.”

He shook his head and freed himself from my grip. “I’m hungry. The restaurant is this way.”

I let out a silent sigh and followed him after taking one last glance at the skirt. 

It was clear we were done talking about skirts, so I didn’t bring it up. I was a bit sad because I had the feeling he would look hot in that red skirt, and I was dying to find out if I was right. But the fact that he had admitted it gave me hope. Maybe one day he’d overcome whatever it was that held him back and tried it on. He was probably afraid of how people would react, though it was extremely odd to think Jax would give a shit about that.

But he knew awfully well how disgusting people could be…

That thought nearly made my anxiety kick in, so I had to push that thought out of my head. At least I tried… But the thing was… When I heard what all those people did to Jax, I was mad. I was still mad.

And I was especially mad at my own brother, but I still hadn’t confronted him about it.

“So, what should we order?” I asked after we entered the restaurant, feeling so goddamn anxious I just wanted to run and hide.

“Everything,” Jax said, peering at the menu. “I’m hungry.”

“Yes, let’s do that. My treat,” I said, grabbed his hand, and pulled him with me when I entered the restaurant.

“I can and will pay for my own food,” he told me sternly.

“Sorry, I’ve become momentarily deaf, so I can’t hear you,” I said jokingly, trying to find an empty table in the packed place.

Why was it so hard to breathe…? What was wrong with me?

Why was my life so out of control…?

I spotted one last empty table at the very back and pulled Jax toward it. I wasn’t even aware of how silent he was, or that he was watching me closely. Not until we sat down at the table, but I couldn’t stop fidgeting around, so he placed his hand on mine on the table.

“Breathe,” he said slowly, calmly.

“I am breathing,” I said.

“Sure,” he said with raised eyebrows. “I know a panic attack when I see one.”

“I’m calm. I’m fine. Everything is perfect,” I said, trying to smile at him.

“Just breathe, okay? Deep, slow breaths.”

I did as he asked, being very dramatic about it. If I tried to say something, he immediately interrupted me and told me to focus on breathing.

“Everything is just fine. Just take deep breaths for me, okay?” he spoke soothingly. “We’re all right.”

And it helped. Little by little, it helped.

“I’m fine now. I’m sorry. I’m fine,” I told him, not quite able to look at him.

“You’re not fine,” he said quietly. “But we’ll get there.”

The way he kept saying we…

I forced it out of my head. I had to force it out of my head, or I’d end up spiraling again.

“We should order,” I said, but he shook his head.

“Let’s just sit here for a bit,” he said. “Panic and food don’t go well together.”

“I suppose so…” I muttered, rubbing my temples. “I’m sorry about this…”

“Don’t apologize. I know exactly how bad it is,” he said reassuringly. “Let’s talk about something else. Something safe.”

“Safe?” I repeated.

“Yeah, you know, anything that doesn’t cause you to panic. A safe topic that will make you feel better.”

I nodded slowly, still giving half my focus on my breathing. “I really liked that skirt…”

He let out a small sigh and tilted his head. Then a small smile appeared on his lips. “I really liked it, too.”

“I know it’ll look good on you,” I added.

“Maybe…” he said, but only to humor me.

That was sad.

The conversation moved on soon, and I started feeling better again. We spent over an hour at the restaurant, trying different things and ranking them. The food was good, and I was glad that I could actually eat. Overall, it was a nice date.

But the anxiety was constantly there, hovering over me like a dark, deadly cloud I couldn’t escape.

And I ignored it.