Clover

Biking home, I thought about Sarang. She usually told her sister everything that happened at school, so why not now? Back when we first met, I used to go over to her house, and we’d complain about the other kids to Chunhwa. 

If I had to guess, it might have to do with Chunhwa being too amazing. Their mom isn’t around a lot, so Chunhwa has to take up a lot of their household duties. I’ve had her cooking—amazing by the way—and I’ve watched her clean up the house before while Sarang and I did our homework. She grew up balancing school and the work of a housewife, giving Sarang the chance to grow up normally.

Maybe after all this time, Sarang’s starting to feel insecure about the things her sister's done.

Yuri

Her words echoed in my mind again.

“If I let Sora go, will you take his place?”

I remember how I responded.

“We’ll talk about it later.”

Now that later was here, I started feeling nervous.

From the way she was holding onto me, it has to mean taking his place in the romantic sense or something, right? If that’s it, then I can’t accept how she feels.

On the other hand, if she means she’ll transform her obsession with Sora into an obsession with me, I’ll have to give that shit a hard pass too. Either way, I’ll find out in a few minutes.

After being in awe of the size of this home and being escorted by a housekeeper, I found myself sitting on a long black couch that took up one corner of the room.

I heard a familiar strut come from the hallway, and she appeared. I wasn’t used to seeing her out of uniform, so I was surprised when Nari walked into the room sweating with a towel around her neck. She had on yoga pants with a matching crop top, a ponytail, and not a single speck of makeup.

She looked like a completely different person.

“We can go upstairs to my room,” She said, “The last time I spoke to someone in this room, things didn’t go too well.”

I started following her through the house. “So, were you working out just now?”

“If it wasn’t obvious from how much I’m sweating, yes. Today’s the day you’re not supposed to skip.”

“Leg day?”

She whipped around to look at me. “Correct.”

I took in the sheer presence of the house as we went up the stairs. I saw a few family photos strung up, but most of them were missing Nari. Haru and their parents were hard to miss with how happy they looked in every picture.

I decided to comment on it. “It must suck not having many pictures of yourself in your own house.”

“It used to bother me as a child,” We reached a door, and she led me through it. “But after seeing your parents give the bulk of their attention to your sibling, you tend to grow used to the status quo.”

Her room wasn’t as girly as I thought it’d be. She had a large white bookshelf to one wall with a standing computer desk to its side. In another corner of the room, a violin was neatly lying in its stand. Above the violin were a few different trophies of what looked like girls in gymnastic positions, along with some more violins.

“Having fun memorizing my room?” Nari plopped on her bed. “You’re staring as if you’ll never see this room again.”

I wasn’t sure what she was trying to imply with that. “I came here to ask about the thing you said earlier.”

Nari brushed a loose hair away from her face. “Since you’re so eager to know, I’ll tell you.”

I was nervous, but I braced myself to reject her, along with the reaction that would likely come after.

“To me, Sora was many things. I’m glad you noticed the lack of pictures in the hallway since that saves explaining my family situation to you. I’m grateful for the video you sent me of you and Sora. I’m surprised he posed so close to you for it.”

“Well, he was excited that this chapter of his life was gonna end.”

“Ouch, but fair.” She grimaced slightly at my comment and continued. “I replayed the video a few times as a last act of defiance, but it’s starting to click in my head that no, I will never date Kim Sora again.”

I clapped. “So you’re over him?”

“I’ve loved him for years. Could you get rid of years’ worth of feelings for someone in less than a month?” My first crush came to mind and I shook my head. “I didn’t think so. However, I’m feeling better…now that I’m moving on. As for you,” She stretched and smiled at me. “I’m not ready to date again, nor do I think I’ll be dating someone any time soon. I want to spend some time getting to know the version of myself that doesn’t need a man.”

Thank god.

“But,” There it is. “I wanted to ask you a few things.”

“Go for it. Ask what you want.”

With a serious face, Nari asked, “Am I…attractive to you?”

I answered carefully. “Physically, yes.”

“If you were the only man left in the world, would you be disappointed to find out that I was the only woman left?”

“I’d be more concerned about whatever the hell happened to everyone else, but no, I wouldn’t be disappointed or anything. Honestly, I’d be relieved.”

Her eyes grew wide. “You would?”

“Yeah! If some apocalypse happened, the last person I’d wanna be with is some stranger.”

“I see.” Her cheeks started turning as pink as her hair. “Then for this last question, I want you to answer me honestly.” She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, and stood up. She walked until we were less than a foot apart.

“Yuri.”

“Yes?”

Her eyes were determined. It was the same look I saw in her eyes on the day we first talked. Whatever she prepared to say wasn’t something I could take lightly.

“One day, I will tell you that I love you. It won’t be tomorrow, next month, or even next year. For all I know, you may even fall in love with someone else before I get my chance to say it. I don’t expect you to wait for me, and considering what I’ve done, I wouldn’t be surprised if you actually came here ready to reject me. I knew that, but I still wanted to tell you.

“Right now, my heart has a lot of leftover feelings for Sora, and I don’t expect them to disappear soon, but over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed how differently I think of you when I compare it to how I thought about Sora. With Sora, he helped me hide from the past through our forced love. With you, I realized how idiotic it is to willingly stay blind to the past. I enjoy our short calls about music, and my organized mind falls to shambles when I think about you.

“So when I tell you that I love you one day, all I ask of you is that you give me a direct answer. Until then, I want to rebuild our friendship from the ground up.” It was then that the Jin Nari bowed to me. “Please.” Her voice started to quiver. “I-I realized how much I’ve fucked up and I want to ch-change, but I can’t do that without help! I tend to try and do things on my own, but that’s only because I’ve never had someone to guide me. Please stay my friend, Yuri!”

Wow, that’s a lot to unpack. Out of consideration for what she wants, I won’t beat around the bush.

I got down on one knee. “Na…Pinkie, look at me.” She raised her head. I could see the tears streaming down her face. “You’re not the only one here with issues when it comes to love. I never told you this, but my first crush disappeared into thin air right after I realized I liked her, and to this day I still think about what I’d say if I could see her again.” I decided not to mention Sarang or my budding feelings for her. “You’re right that anything could happen between now and later, but I want to be sure of something. I want you to promise right now that you won’t do something to hurt any of my friends. If you can do that for me, then I’ll think about starting over.”

She fell to her knees and took hold of my hands. “I-I promise!”

I hoped that I wouldn’t regret this. “Then sure, we can try being friends again.” She let go of my hands and hugged me tight. I hesitated for a second, but I hugged her back.

I never noticed because of how she carries herself, but she feels so fragile in my arms. She’s what, barely even five feet tall, but you tend to forget that because of how she acts.

After that conversation, I felt emotionally exhausted. Nari asked if I wanted to stay over longer and work out with her, but I said I’ll do it some other time.

Before I was out her front door, she stopped me. "I've never been bothered by you calling me Pinkie."

I smirked at her. "Then I won't stop."

I dreamt about middle school again. This time, it was a week after my first crush found me crying alone in a classroom.

I used all my breaks to walk around school, hoping that I’d run into her again. I wanted to thank her for cheering me up, but I also just wanted to see her. In the end, the only reminder I had of her were those yellow flowers she left behind the day we first met. I later looked them up and found out that those flowers were called yellow pansies. You give them to someone if they’re going through a rough spot in life.

I wonder who the flowers were really for?

I woke up to bright sunlight in my face. I was tempted to roll over and go back to sleep, but the sun had already ruined that for me.

I got dressed and went outside. Across the street, I saw someone in a sun hat and blue overalls on her knees in front of Sarang’s house. It looked like she was digging something.

Is she...planting something?

I walked across the street. Hearing my footsteps, the person turned around. It was Sarang’s older sister.

“Chunhwa, right?”

She smiled brightly, her unhidden eye shining with light. “You remember!” For some reason, her voice made my heart hurt. “What brings you over here? Sarang’s still in bed asleep.”

I motioned towards the small piles of dirt in front of the house. “I was just wondering about...this?”

“Oh, this? I noticed that our new home had a flowerbed in front of it, but the last owners likely didn’t take care of it.” She pat the top of two large bags of dirt by her side. “I’m replacing its soil and adding some compost so that I can plant some flowers here soon!”

“What kinds of flowers?” I sat down, sensing that I’d be here for a while.

“A few of my favorites. Lilies, different colored roses, and maybe even my favorite flower.” She looked at me, her face still filled with joy. “After all, I left some of my pansies with you, didn’t I?”

Wait, she doesn’t mean those pansies, right?

“I couldn’t believe it when you came to our house that day! You’re a little older and your voice is a lot deeper, but I still remember you.” You’re kidding me, right? “I felt sad that I couldn’t check up on you after I saw you in that classroom. I ended up moving later that same week. I wondered what happened to you, but I’m glad you’re…okay?”

She brought her hand to my face and wiped away a tear. “You’re crying again.”

She’s lived across the street from me all this time and I didn’t know.

I talked to her again and I didn’t know!

I wanna beat myself up for not noticing, but I feel too happy and relieved to say anything else.

I choked out some words. “I…I wanted to see you again. You don’t know how much you helped me that day.”

I opened up about my grandma and her lung cancer diagnosis. She used to smoke a lot before she and my grandfather started raising me. She quit for my sake, but at her age, the damage was already done. From the day she was diagnosed, the funeral happened only three months afterwards. We barely had any time to say goodbye, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared to handle her death.

I’ve never met my biological parents, but I hear that they’re alive and well. Unlike them, my grandparents did everything they could to raise me. My grandma was my real mom, and it hurt so much when she left this world. I don’t even know if my biological parents came to the funeral. I’ve seen pictures of them, but looking at them always made me feel angry.

“You know what I think? I don’t remember what I said last time, but your grandma was really lucky to have you. My mother is alive too, but her job takes her around the world. The few times I’ve seen her in person, she’s always tried her best to make an impression before going off to do more work. The last time that happened, I told her how lonely I sometimes felt growing up without her, and do you know what she said to me?”

I shook my head and Chunhwa jumped up. “To be loved is to live forever in someone’s heart. As long as you remember and think about someone, even if they’re not always there, they’ll live forever because of your love. If you think about life that way, then the ones who grieve the most are the people who keep the ones we love alive for eternity.”

“Then,” I started, “What would you do if you suddenly ran into the person who made you believe in love?”

Without any hesitation, she said “I would thank them. Simple as that!”

“Even if they were your first love?”

“Especially if they were my first love.”

The sun was shining behind her, and her hands were still dirty from changing the soil. Her once-long brown hair was now short, partially covering one of her eyes. There’s not a person in the world who wouldn’t call her beautiful. Back then, I would always look at the ground instead of at others. Now that I’m looking up, I can finally see the face of the girl who saved me.

“Thank you, Chunhwa.”

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat!” Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Your first love?”

Oh no. This is happening now?

I awkwardly scratched my head. “Uh, yeah!”

She squatted in place, supporting her head with her hands. “That’s so cool! I’m usually pretty dense when it comes to that stuff, so it’s interesting hearing it from someone.” Her eyes seemed to sparkle with wonder. “Have your feelings changed?”

I thought about it.

I’ve fantasized and even dreamed about seeing her again. Now, in my second year of high school, I live across the street from my first love. Most people would jump on that opportunity, but I don’t feel happy at the thought of taking things further.

I’m happy that I got to meet her again, and I’m even happier that she remembered who I was. I hate to say this, but I’m just as guilty as Pinkie.

The girl crouching in front of me was a real person, but the girl I used to dream about was someone I’d made up. Her kindness those days was genuine. I can tell just from what Sarang’s said about her, the way she happily talks about flowers, and from what happened four years ago.

I wasn’t in love with her anymore.

With relief, I said “Yeah, they have. Now, I just feel thankful.”

“Good, ‘cause I’ve never dated someone before.”

Pause.

“What? Are you serious?”

She nodded. “I’ve always been too busy taking care of Dad and the house to even think about dating.” She smirked at me. “So! Is there a girl at your school you like?”

The excuse I held for not liking anyone was gone. Chunhwa wasn’t at our school because she and Sarang moved away, and I wasn’t forgotten. I felt free, but I also felt sad thinking about letting those memories go.

Then I remembered.

“Can I ask you for one bit of advice?”

“Sure! Go ahead!”

“There is one girl I like, but someone I know likes her too. What would you do?”

“If no one’s stopping you from liking her, then what’s the problem?”

I looked at the closed curtains above us and smiled.

"As long as she doesn't move away, I think it'll be okay."

Chunhwa laughed, and a chapter of my life finally came to end.