Chapter 6

-Emmanuel-

Percy’s hair is softer than I expected, probably because he had a shower whilst I was gone. I have a really nice conditioner which my mum got me and although I barely use it, I can tell that Percy did, because I recognise the calming lavender scent as I comb my fingers through his hair.

It’s even longer now that it isn’t in plaits, and reaches all the way down his back. I can tell that this is his version of trying to open up to me - touching his hair like this feels strangely intimate, plus it puts Percy at a vulnerable position to me - I could easily strangle him from behind whilst he can’t see me, because his back is turned.

He’s trying, so I should too. I should try and make conversation, I should try and learn more about my mate. 

But I’m so tired. I’ve been feeling extra angry today and it feels like I have to do deep breathing exercises every five seconds. Still though, I haven’t shouted at Percy again, or anyone else today, so I’m pretty proud of myself. 

One shout per day. If I can try and keep it at that level, then I’m making an improvement. 

I don’t know why I get so angry. I’ve never even seen my mother angry; she’s the total opposite of me. A good leader, a calm and strategic woman. So why the fuck did she make me the alpha? She wanted to retire, which makes sense but at the same time…

God, I just don’t want this role. It’s hard enough trying to sort myself out, and now I have to be responsible for the entire pack too? When I’m such a fuck-up?

I hate this.

I hate fucking everything. 

“Emmanuel. What’s wrong?”

I automatically started doing my deep breathing techniques and as a result it sounds like I’m on the verge of a panic attack, which is also…kind of true. I’m always one step away from an angry outburst or a panic attack; I’m such a loose canon. 

I quickly take my hands out of Percy’s hair and stand up, walking out of the room. If I stayed, I might end up shouting at him or even worse, pulling his hair or hurting him in some way by accident. 

And I’ve already hurt Percy enough. And this is literally only the second day I’ve ever seen him, including when we mated.

I run straight back outside, the freezing air and endless darkness giving me something to focus on other than my own thoughts which are pissing me off. 

After about twenty minutes of sitting in the freezing cold silence, it occurs to me that Percy will probably assume that he did something wrong, because I left so suddenly. God, I should’ve just told him I was feeling angry.

Seriously, I’m so shit. I’m such an awful person, I bet I’ve made him upset again, and he won’t want to talk to me and I’ll have ruined my chance to be with my mate and worst of all he’ll be sad and what if he cries again?

I don’t want Percy to cry, but I’ll have made him sad, I’ll have hurt him again.

Just like I hurt everyone. 

I have to push him away from me so that I can’t hurt him anymore, if he stays with me I’ll just hurt him more and more and more and more and more and- “-mmanuel…Emmi!”

I snap my eyes open, trying to focus on whatever’s in front of me but it’s snowing again, pretty heavily now, and all I notice is the red on my hands. “Shit,” I hiss through gritted teeth. Sometimes when I’m trying to control my anger, my claws come out. 

But I can’t tell if this is my own blood or if I hurt whoever is trying to talk to me.

Please, just let me not have hurt someone.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to- I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I whisper, desperately trying to explain that I didn’t want to- it was an accident, I was just- 

Arms wrap around me and my face is pressed into a warm chest, my head cradled gently. “It’s alright, everything is alright,” my mate says softly, his scent calming and his presence helping to relax me instantly.

I grip onto Percy’s shirt, hiding my face in his neck and clenching my teeth hard, just in case I start crying too. I don’t cry a lot; I don’t let myself. So I can’t cry. I have to hold it in. 

“Let’s get you inside, alright? And then we should talk,” Percy’s voice reverberates through me, low and soothing. Melodic and rhythmic, the lullaby I needed to hear.

Percy easily picks me up in a princess carry and takes me back to the bedroom, but I don’t move my face from his neck for the entire time. I feel like shit and I’m pretty sure I look like shit right now too. 

Everything is just…too much to deal with at the moment.

—————

-Percy-

I have no idea what happened. I could feel that something was wrong with Emmanuel, his hands stilled in my hair and his breathing went very obviously not easy. And then he just…left. To begin with, I thought that I’d done something wrong and pissed him off again, so I just let him leave. 

But then a woman came to the door, looking for…me. To talk. I already knew that she was Keye; I recognised her scent from when my mate came back smelling like someone else. I think she knew that I sort of…knew of her. 

And surprisingly, she was actually very nice. I thought she’d hate me or something, but she was very honest and told me that yes, she and Emmi had slept together, but that neither of them had feelings for each other and that they would stop now that I had arrived. 

She said that she was sorry.

And she also told me that when Emmanuel gets angry, it’s not my fault. 

“He never talks about it, but I know him well enough at this point, and with Emmi…he feels things so strongly, and then sometimes things just…explode. He can’t help it, but he’s working really hard on it, I promise. But if he ever shouts at you or something, you put him in his place ok?” She had told me, a kind smile on her face.

And whilst I was talking with Keye about Emmanuel and I was beginning to have some kind of understanding about him…I felt the bond shift. I felt it…deepen. And it was like someone opened the floodgates. I could feel the tiniest trickle of how my mate was feeling. And it was awful. 

I had to find him.