“Dammit…  C’mon, light already!”

The paper finally caught and I inhaled desperately.  Between the hot orange glow from the end of the joint, the dry night breeze vying to extinguish it, the cold concrete curb beneath me, and the lack of light coming from the house behind me, I knew I’d hit a new low.  I’d never run out on someone to smoke before.  I took too long a drag and the entire joint shriveled; I had a mouthful of foul-tasting smoke and I hacked as I tried to clear my lungs out.  God, it was awful.  The only good thing about this stupid herb was the high, but that’s true for pretty much any drug.

I don’t know exactly how long I sat on the curb smoking, but I went through two joints.  I felt shitty about going over my one-joint limit, but I needed it.  I needed it badly.  I had to calm down and have a level head.  I was halfway through a third when the wind carried a familiar scent over to me.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”  I took another drag and coughed once.

Mirai sat beside me and rested his cheek on my shoulder.  This was the first time he’d been around me while I was smoking without his mask, and I didn’t know what to think of it.

“Why are you out here?”  I exhaled; a puff of pale grey smoke spiraled into the air and the breeze blew some of it back at us.  Mirai coughed and waved a hand in front of his face to clear it.

“Because you shouldn’t be alone when you’re like this.”  He glanced at me out of the corner of one mesmerizing scarlet eye.  “What number is that?”

“Three.”

Mirai didn’t say anything.  I didn’t even look at him; I’d said I wouldn’t do more than one a day, and I was on number three.  I didn’t want to see the anger or disappointment on his face.  For a moment, I forgot what my justification was for going over the limit, but another inhale blanked the thought. 

“Why aren’t you wearing your mask?” I asked at last.

“Because I am here for you, not for me.”

I sighed, another stream of pale smoke swirling into the dark night.  Mirai and I sat in silence for God knows how long.  I finished the joint and reached for a fourth.  Mirai still didn’t say anything as I lit it and inhaled deeply.  I was so anxious that I was just now starting to feel the high and it was hitting me hard.

“Mirai?” I slurred.  “Do you remember all your promises to me?”

“I do.”  Mirai leaned on my shoulder and I put all my energy into focusing on what he was saying.  “After my last suicide attempt, I promised that I would never hurt myself again and that I would tell you when I was having those kinds of thoughts and urges and you gave me my ring; I promised to listen to your comments about my health and let you help me; and I promised that I will tell you what’s happening to me as soon as I’m able.”  He let out a soft huff of amusement.  “And, of course, our promise to never again speak of the occurrences on your sixteenth birthday, but we didn’t bind it to the rings.”

“And you better keep every last one of them!” I sobbed, emotion welling in my throat.  “I can’t keep you safe from everything, but I can at least try and keep you safe from yourself!”

“And I’ve kept every promise I’ve ever made.”  Mirai’s voice was heavy.  “The ring you gave me reminds me of each one of them, each day.”  He held out his right hand.  His promise ring shone unrealistically bright in the pale light of the moon.  “Now give it to me.”

“Wha…?”

“The weed.  Give it.”

I snorted and took another purposeful drag.  “But it’s mine.”

“Do you remember your promise?” Mirai asked pointedly.

“What promise?” I sulked.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“No, I don’t.”  I slightly twisted the joint between my pursed lips.

“You promised you wouldn’t smoke around me, that you’ll have one joint a day, that you won’t do any other drugs, that you’ll only use it when you’ve tried every other way to calm down, that you’re honest about how much you use, and more importantly, that you won’t fight me if I think you’re getting addicted and need help.”

I groaned.  “I’m not addicted!”

“Chann, you’re breaking your promise right now.”

For some reason, that made my high start to recede.  “What…?”

“You’re smoking around me, you’ve had more than one joint, I haven’t seen you try any other ways to cope with the stress, and you’re not listening to me when I say you need help.  That’s almost every part of your promise.”  Mirai flicked his hand out again.  “Hand it over.”

I felt my body start to tremble.  The ring on my finger had only two promises bound to it, and I was breaking one of them now.  It seemed to blaze hotter than the end of my joint.  It hurt.

“I-I…”  I swallowed.  “Oh my God, please take this, take it away from me–!”

Mirai promptly nipped it out of my fingers, stood up, went about twenty paces down the street, and firmly ground it beneath the heel of his boot.  I stared at him the whole time.  I had never wanted a smoke as badly as I did in that moment.  I was so close to reaching into the tin case I had in my pocket and lighting up another joint.  Mirai strode back over to me and held out his hand again.

“The tin, the lighter, and everything else you’ve got on you.  Now.”

I complied.  The high was fading – nothing sobered me faster than having an upset Mirai around me – and a fierce headache was starting up.  My hands were shaking as I handed him the tin of joints and the backup lighter I had in my back pocket.  The moment I handed the last of my things over, my ring stopped hurting.

I couldn’t continue breaking my promise now.

“Mirai.”  A sob caught in my throat.  “I’m so sorry.  I fucked up.”

“Thank you, and I forgive you.”  Mirai rolled my stuff in his jacket and set it aside, far enough away that I couldn’t reach it.  “Chann, I’m your brother.  I’ve been at your side for fifteen years now, and I don’t plan on ever leaving.  You smoked more because of the extra stress.  I know and understand that.  It’s just how you cope.  I…  played my part in this.  I was the straw that broke your back tonight.”  Mirai hesitated.  “I’m going to make you another promise tonight.”

“Then make it.”  I don’t need to ask what you’re promising.  I trust you.

“I promise that I will always be open and honest with you about my sex life, be it sex, masturbation, touching, making out – all of it, either on my own or with a partner.  I promise to come to you on my own, not tell you the truth only when you ask or catch me.  I promise this for my health and, in part, for yours, so you don’t have to stress as much anymore.  I don’t want to scare you like that again.”  Mirai and I linked our fingers.  “I bind this promise to this ring, as a reminder forevermore.”

I lowered my head, the image of Mirai’s bloodstained pants once again flashing in my mind.  Seeing him in bloodied clothing was nothing new – he came to me injured with his clothes torn to shreds all the time – but I’d never seen blood in his pants before.

We stayed still and silent for a moment, waiting for the promise to sink into the ring like the heat that had shaped it, then unlinked our fingers.  It felt like a tight rope being severed, letting go of that slender silver band.  We put so much power into them.

By that point, the last of the high was fading and my head was pounding.  “I’ll hold you to that.”

“I expect you to hold me to every promise I’ve ever made.”  Mirai rested his head against mine.  “And I will hold you to every promise you’ve ever made.  That’s why we have our rings.”  He affectionately bumped his shoulder against mine.  “C’mon, let’s go back inside.”

I nodded and stood up, stumbling slightly and having to grab onto Mirai for support.  It felt strange, having to hold onto him when he usually held onto me, but this was what brothers did.  They leaned on each other, for anything and everything.

“Mirai, you’re amazing.  I couldn’t do this without you.”  I sighed.  “Thank you.”

Mirai smiled at me.  “It’s my job to be here for you, just as it is yours to be here for me.  There’s nothing to thank me for.”

When we were back in the house, I felt myself start to shake at the thought of sleeping in my room.  Mirai had taken only a small part of my stash; I didn’t want to be around the rest of it.

“Do you want me to take your stash?” Mirai asked.  “And hide it?”

“I can’t ask that of you.”  It was a big enough deal that he had a few of my things on him now; I couldn’t ask him to handle my whole stash, especially now that I’d added Jake’s abandoned stuff to it.  “I’ll just sleep somewhere else.”

“You can sleep with me, if you like.”

“No, it’s fine.”  After all I’d smoked tonight, I was going to reek of weed no matter how much I showered, and the last thing I wanted was for Mirai to have that smell in his nose all night.  “I think I’ll take Jake’s room tonight.”

Mirai nodded and went upstairs, me following behind.  I saw him go into my room and assumed he was putting the lighters and the tin of joints back with the rest of my stash.  He came out a few minutes later with a set of fresh clothes for me.

“Go change and shower.”  He leaned in and nuzzled my cheek, only to pull away with a snort.  “Phew!  You smell worse than a hippie’s headband.  A cannabis farmer couldn’t do worse.  You better bathe in Febreeze tonight, you hear me?”

“I’m hearing, ‘Smother me with your weedy clothes while I sleep’?  Is that right?”  I gave Mirai a playful shove.  “Goodnight, champ.”

“Goodnight.”

Procrastinating going to Jake’s room, I took my sweet time in the shower, scrubbing at every inch of my body to get the reek of weed off me, then changed into the clean clothes Mirai had given me.  I hesitated in Jake’s doorway, and the moment I stepped into his room, I raced to his bed and leapt onto it.  I spread-eagled on it and breathed in the scent of his blankets; they didn’t smell like him anymore, but it was still comforting.

“Hey, brother,” I murmured.  “I…  kinda need your help tonight.  A lot’s been happening.  I need your advice.”

Talk to me, little brother.  I could practically hear his voice.  Sit down and tell me everything.

“I’ve been doing my best, not to push Mirai about his wounds.  He lets me so much, I feel selfish for wanting to see more.  I know he’s hurt down-there but he won’t let me see, I just…”  I trailed off.  “He’s hurt so bad.  There was blood in his pants tonight.  He says he was touching himself and that it was an accident.  I wanna believe him, but…  if that really was it, I feel like he would’ve told me before now, like I didn’t have to catch him for him to tell me.  If he really did get hurt touching himself, I can’t help but feel that it was at least partially self-harm, but he promised he wouldn’t ever hurt himself again and promises mean so much to him!  I know I could probably get the truth out of him if I pressed hard enough, but he gets so scared…”  I sighed.  “Oh, Jake…  Am I doing the right thing?  What should I do instead?  I want to be there for him, but I don’t know how.  And I smoked so much tonight,” I growled as my heartbeat started to throb in my ears.  “I feel awful, from all the weed and for breaking my promise to Mirai about smoking it.  I fucked up so much tonight…  I need your help.  What would you do if you were here?”

That’s what I think Jake would say.  I went over to Jake’s drums and experimentally tapped on them a bit with his drumsticks.  It sounded really bad, but it gave me a bit of comfort, imagining it was my brother masterfully smashing on his drums, sweating and grinning like a maniac.  He had been so energetic, so skilled, so fun to be around.  I set the drumsticks back down not even a minute later.

“I miss you, Jake,” I whispered to the empty room.  “Come home soon.  We need you.”  I sighed.  “I need you.”