Trigger warning: mention of su*cide and death

Lucid dreaming. I wished it was one of those times but how could I dream if I’m no longer alive? I knew I was dead, because it was me who killed myself. There’s no mistaking it, weeks of researching and planning were taken into consideration before I ended my life. I knew I did it; I knew I succeeded. I thought I would be satisfied and at peace now that my problems ended but why do I feel empty? ‘No.’ I wriggled and moved furiously as I tried to wake my body up. ‘I don’t want this! I want to live! I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, please let me live!’ I shouted and moved around, hoping to either wake myself up or for someone to discover my body.

“Sshhh…” I heard Nana coo me. ‘Nana? Why is she here?’

I stopped whatever I was doing. Nana is dead. I could hear her voice, that only means I, too, am already dead. ‘Am I in heaven?’

“Shkrishi.” Nana said something gibberish. I calmed down and focused on her voice since my eyesight was blurry. She’s now here, nothing will happen anymore. She’ll guide me. [1. Shkrishi = used when shuting someone up or soothing them, depending on the use of the word. It's the Cerulean equivalent of ssshhh.]

“Vemos kevriya tuldos tu’a ekwana.” I heard a high-pitched voice that seemed to belong to a religious mother who opens her mouth widely while talking slowly to her four children. I didn’t understand what she was saying but I could feel the disgust in her voice. [Trans: She really did gave birth to a daughter.]

“Di. Di. A dayang-dayang.” This time, it belonged to a raspy voice of a man. Although raspy, his resonant voice is filled with love. He talked again, his voice was comparable to when a commanding officer talks but this time I wasn’t able to follow what he was saying. I heard quiet yet hurried shuffles of people walking on a concrete floor. [2. Di = Cerulean equivalent of the word yes; used when the person is agreeing with someone.] [3. Dayang-dayang = translates to Her/Your Royal Highness and is given to the ruling monarch's daughter.]

Nana was still holding me in her arms and honestly, I felt quite suffocated. She had always been overprotective of me but not to this extent; she’s not letting me see my surroundings. ‘Is this place scary? Is it hell?’ I doubt it, there’s no way Nana would be sent to hell, she’s the most wonderful human I know. If so, what is she protecting me from? I wriggled a little bit to breathe more comfortably but Nana hugged me closer to her chest. Nana walked forward still cradling me but she tripped out of nowhere and fell on her knees. She held me closer and I felt more suffocated. I couldn’t breathe, her right hand clasped the back of my neck preventing me from moving. ‘Wait… something is wrong. Nana… this woman isn’t my Nana! This woman isn’t protecting me!’

I thrashed around and cried, trying to catch people’s attention which I accomplished; I heard voices and footsteps approaching. ‘This woman is choking me, she’s killing me!’ But how? I already died. How could a dead person be killed again? How could a dead person feel pain? Is this really hell? Will I experience torture for eternity just like what the myths said?

“Iris!” I heard a woman’s weak yet panicked voice. I didn’t know who the voice belonged to, this was my first time hearing it but I felt something inside me moved, I felt my heart pump and a sense of familiarity rushed over me. Her voice made me cry harder for no apparent reason. It became harder to breathe and I felt myself suffocate so I flailed more, making the person holding me hold me tighter. 

“Stop! You’re choking me!” I shouted but I didn’t hear myself, no words came out of my mouth except the loud uwaahs. I wanted to tell whoever who’s holding me that I didn’t do anything wrong. I wanted to push her but I had no strength, maybe because she’s been choking for a long time now, all I could do is flail my hands and kick my feet in an attempt to at least injure the woman who has the same face as my grandmother.

Out of nowhere, a gust of wind blew past us and a blinding light enveloped the surroundings. A deafening silence followed suit as I felt myself float midair. I felt a warm sensation touch my forehead. I opened my eyes and the moment I adjusted to light, I gasped. My eyes widened. These people, I didn’t know any of them! A group of foreigners was inside a very grandiose white room divided into two by a see through curtain. This place seemed to belong to a set of musicals or a Disney movie; everything is majestic and cut out from history.  The room is something you could see in palace museums that I used to visit when I was a child. The walls are mostly white, with the hint of the lightest pink I’ve ever seen and all the furniture are mostly magenta in color, everything looks regal. I could see a worn-out woman covered in sweat lying in bed reaching her hand out looking worried. Two ladies wearing the same blue colored dresses were standing on each side of the bed, bowing their heads down.

There’s a man wearing a western prince outfit in the middle on the other side, behind him is a slightly aged man wearing a tailcoat. On the left corner of the room stood three women wearing floor-length intricately designed ball gowns. Across the three women are four other women with mobcaps; one wearing a simple beige dress and the others wearing the same set of light mustard dress. In front of the prince is an old woman in the same beige colored dress as the other lady in the corner; showing a pained expression on her face and kneeling on the ground while tightly holding a blooded child.

Wait… don’t tell me… My eyes grew bigger as I realized something. The scene in front of me is what I was experiencing a while ago! ‘What the hell is happening?! Something’s wrong! Something is definitely wrong! Don’t tell me, this is where humans get judged when they die… a place between living and death? Oh, no! Is this some kind of a judgement hall?’

As I observed more, I noticed that these people were not moving, as if time stopped for them. Confused, I looked at my body. I was shocked, not because I am glowing, but because I have a body of a newly born child.

‘Is this my punishment for what I did when I was still alive? But it’s not my fault. I didn’t want it to happen, I was a victim. I needed it to save myself and to prevent myself from hurting someone innocent so why is it my fault?’

“It’s not your fault.” A sad, familiar voice told me. I looked up. I saw a beautiful person so broken that even though she was literally glowing, I could still see her sadness and sorrow. She glided towards me and reached for my left cheek and I felt myself grow back into my twenty-six-year-old self. My body shook as soon as her hand touched me, I couldn’t control my emotions and tears started to roll down my cheeks. I put my hands atop of hers and cried. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay. No one will hurt us anymore.” I bawled even more.

This person in front of me was someone I know very well; the one who knows everything about me and the one I know everything about. She’s on her prime, a very beautiful lady carved out of perfection. My very own ideal self; my creation. Mariana.

Her smile didn’t vanish, the love and concern in her eyes were still evident up until now. As I looked her in the eye, everything came flashing back on me. The tears that started to form on her eyes fell the moment she closed her eyes and as she rested her forehead on mine. ‘I succeeded. I did it. There’s no turning back.’

I bawled my eyes out as I started to think of the aftermath of what I did; sorrow, regret, repentance, satisfaction, acceptance, then peace. I looked at her: “Don’t worry about us. Trust me, I won’t lose this time.” 

She didn’t say anything, she only smiled back at me. We didn’t break our eye contact as I watched her fade away. ‘I’ll make sure that there will no longer be regrets this time.’ I promised. Lucid dreaming, there's a side of me wishing for all of this to be just a dream but the majority is hoping that it's real. I really wished for the pain to disappear and I got what I wished for. There's no turning back as I feel myself get sucked onto the newborn’s body… into my new life.