I was nervously thumping my leg on my living room couch. It was almost 6:30pm and my parents were still here. I thought for sure they had a date night, but I guess it’s tomorrow? They’re just on the other end of the couch watching whatever is on the TV, but I was too fidgety to notice. I was sure it was some type of cooking competition show. 

I finally croaked out, “so, are you guys not going out?” I tried to conceal my uneasiness. 

My mom’s smile increased looking over at me. She looked me up and down and noticed how I was dressed. I was wearing slacks, a flannel, and sneakers. I didn’t typically dress up like this but, I felt compelled to put forth some more effort. 

“No honey, but are you?” She winked at me. Her tone caught the attention of my dad and he also glanced over.

“Yeah, No-No, you have someone you’re going out with?” My dad smirked. 

I rolled my eyes so intensely I thought I was going to lose my eyeballs in my own skull. The conversation with Stef several hours prior really did a number on me for the rest of the day. I grew increasingly annoyed at the constant mention of a date. It wasn’t my parent’s fault though, so I tried to resist the urge to scream. I dug my nails into my hand forming a fist. 

“Just with a friend. We’re going to the fair for old times sake.” I shrugged, trying to act as composed as possible. I didn’t want my parents to think I was upset with them or have them believe this was a date, ‘cause it wasn’t. 

My mom’s voice bounced off the walls with excitement. “Oh that’s so much fun! Dad and I were going to go tomorrow night. Which friend are you going with? Stef?” Her smile beamed at me.

Continuing to thump my leg, I gulped down spit that built up in the back of my throat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe or speak. My nerves were unwavering at that moment. I didn’t know if I was ready to tell her about Dylan. 

Her grin dimmed into a thin line and she cocked her head. “Honey? Are you alright? You look a bit pale.” 

I cleared my throat and inhaled deeply. “Mom, Dad, I don’t know how else to say it so I’ll just be frank, Dylan and I are kind of friends again and that’s who I’m going with tonight.” My wary eyes firming peered into my mom’s hazel ones. I felt my dad’s stare as well. 

It was seconds before they fully processed my words; when they did, they both smiled at each other and then back at me. “How long have you been hiding this from us?” My mom gave me a lopsided grin. 

I thought she'd be more upset.

“Uh--well since the dance thing at the start of summer. But aren’t you upset?” 

She still held her smile while shaking her head. She got up from her spot on the couch and moved right next to me. “We know about him and his recovery honey. Of course I’m hesitant and concerned because you’re my baby boy, but I can’t fret about you wanting to rekindle a lost friendship. Who am I to stop my grown son from doing that? I’ll trust your judgment.” She gently placed her hand on my shoulder, taking her thumb and rubbing circles there.

“Son, we will always support you. No matter what, do you understand?” My dad’s deep rustic voice interjected my ears. 

I just smiled to myself because damn, I have the best parents ever. “Thanks mom and dad. I love you guys.” 

“And we love you too honey.” She got back up and started to stand now. “I need to start dinner, but I’m sure you’re going out, right?” 

“Yeah I am.” I beamed, also standing up. I was much taller than my mom. “He’ll be here soon and I need to grab my wallet from upstairs.” 

I did exactly that. When I came back downstairs, I heard the doorbell ring. I already knew it was Dylan. I peeked at my phone and sure enough, there was a text from him saying he was on his way like 5 minutes ago. 

I felt a huge burden lift from my shoulders after telling my parents. I didn’t even mind that my mom opened the door. My side smile didn’t dissipate as I approached closer. I heard faintly some hellos and saw an obvious nervous wreck that was Dylan. 

I noticed Dylan’s attire. He looked really nice, like he just came from work nice, but he told me he was going home to change. He wore loose fitting black slacks, walking shoes, and a gray short-sleeved button down. I noticed he wasn’t wearing his glasses this evening. 

“How are you doing honey? You look great!” My mom was more giddy than me. He did look great.

He nervously uttered a thanks and I watched as his eyes desperately searched for mine. I found it a bit humorous even if it was cruel to think that. “Yo Dyl,” I nonchalantly said behind my mom. “Let’s get going, yeah?” I side-stepped around my mom and through the front door, Dylan obediently moved so we headed towards the car. 

“Have fun! We’ll probably be sleeping when you get back but be safe!” My mom waved us off, we stepped into the car. Dylan practically ran to the driver’s side might I add.

Chuckling to myself, I smiled over at my best friend. “My mom is still as loving as ever.” He was gripping the steering wheel tightly and only gave me a side glance. “Yeah sorry, I wasn’t expecting to see them. You told me they wouldn’t be here.”

The blond put the car in drive and headed towards our destination. I explained the whole situation and even told him about telling my parents about us and that encounter. He nodded the whole time and held a small smile. The fair wasn’t too far from our neighborhood. It didn’t take us too long to get there. I offered to pay for parking and surprisingly, Dylan let me.

We sat there for a minute before stepping out of the car. I decided to clear my throat and ask, “Where are your glasses?”

Almost immediately he answered. “Since we’ll be riding stuff, I put my contacts in. Why? Does it look weird?” His voice shook a bit when he asked me that. He flicked his eyes onto the passenger side.

“Oh no, quite the opposite, you look great!” I placed my hand on his shoulder and gave it a pat. “Don’t worry about how you look, Dyl. You always look nice.”

Before I caught myself, I was being overly nice. My smile went from beaming to a crooked line. My conversation with Stef earlier wouldn’t leave my brain. Maybe he was right? Maybe I am being too nice? 

His face flushed at my words. “Thank you Noey.” He took his attention onto the door handle and pulled it, “let’s get inside.” I followed suit, even though my brain wouldn’t stop overthinking. Before this afternoon, my day had been amazing. 

He took the lead and walked in front of me to navigate our way to the ticket booth. He weaved through people like it was nothing, meanwhile I was a few people behind him now, struggling to catch up. It was one of those fairs where you just walk right in and buy tickets to participate in rides and games. 

It was honestly pretty humorous. I was laughing at myself before I finally regained the appropriate distance behind him. By the time I did, we were at the booth. He bought the tickets without even asking me to pay for mine and handed me a stack. 

“My treat Noey, don’t give me that look.” His green eyes glistened in the setting sun. 

My furrowed expression softened into a sincere smile. Don’t smile like that, No, you could give him the wrong idea. Wanting to shift my focus, I inquired, “Alright, what did you want to do first?” We were walking side by side again, our arms sometimes brushing up against each other. I didn’t notice how close we were though. 

“I think you should watch how you treat him.”

“Whether you’re romantically involved or just friends, my points still stand. I was serious when I told you that if you hurt him, we won’t be friends”

I loudly gulped while sideways glancing over at Dylan. His eyes were straight ahead with the biggest smile planted there. I watched as his hand formed a pointing finger, suggesting we do something. All I could hear was white noise. It wasn’t until he looked up at me that I snapped back to the world of the living.

“Does that sound good?” 

I had zero clue what he said. “Sure.” I agreed because I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t listening or what I was thinking. The truth of the matter was that I was overthinking. It was impossible to escape Stef’s words. They were like a broken record in my head. I kept it together though. I couldn’t let my anxiety get the better of me, especially when Dylan was so excited to spend time with me. 

The summer fair used to be one of my favorite times of the year. It was an annual event. Except, we didn’t go in our last year of high school, so it had been 9 years since I’d been here.

The sun had dipped into the horizon and was replaced with the stunning night sky. There were string lights that captivated the whole ambiance of the fair. The yellow and white lights that encased every vendor and every tent really made it seem magical. The summer air heavy with laughter and conversation from strangers made for a surreal experience. I tried to zone all my attention onto him. I couldn’t allow my mind to get distracted.

“We’re here!” 

My mind snapped to what was in front of me. It was the ferris wheel.

It was bright red and absolutely huge. When I said I conquered my fear with rides, I meant with rollercoasters. Being suspended into the air with nothing but a wagon to sit in didn’t appeal to me. I’ve always had a fear of heights. It was worse in my youth, but god did I not want to be in that contraption. 

Before I could object, Dylan beamed at me with those stunning eyes and the biggest smile. “I’ve always wanted to go on this with you! And now that you said you’re not as afraid I thought we could do it!” I couldn’t say no to that happy face.

I swallowed my fear and forced a smile, I only nodded. My worries of giving him any wrong ideas only increased. If I objected he might think I lied or that I didn’t want to be here. Perhaps he’d think this was a date if we do get on this thing. Being on one is typically a romantic gesture, but what if it wasn’t? He said that he’s always wanted to get on one with me, so maybe it’s just that. Simply platonic. 

There wasn't a line for it so we were quick to give the attendant the tickets and get inside the death trap. I was fine when sitting but not with it moving. Dylan was babbling about something related to the history of ferris wheels but I was too busy trying not to have a full blown panic attack. Both from the unanswered stupid questions inside my head and the height.

I tried some techniques Lilian told me to do. I attempted to rationalize my fear and outway the anxiety with logical outcomes, but my brain kept saying, “YOU’RE GOING TO FALL OFF AND DIE.” I attempted to remain calm and even looked across at the blonde. Maybe it’ll be okay. He’s chatting so peacefully. Maybe if I tune in I’ll be fine.

Then it started to move and my whole body just froze. Dylan and I were on opposing sides but he was too busy looking up at the sky. I didn’t dare to move a muscle. 

And then we just stopped while we were all the way on top. I started to tap the seat with my fingers intensely, trying to keep my composure. I completely forgot that they all stop so you can get a great view of the town. I suppose if I wasn’t panicking, I’d find the view beautiful. I hated it.

Dylan slowly made eye contact with me and saw the panic in my brown eyes. I felt like my brain was a volcano and my brain was erupting with anxieties. His own widened with immense concern. 

“Are you okay Noey?” His voice was soft. 

I shook my head ‘no’ because holy crap I thought I was going to throw up. I’m so stupid for pretending that I'd be okay. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten on this. Mixing the cocktail of worries and a phobia is unmeasurably horrid. Oh no no no. My brain is starting to panic. I haven’t had a panic attack in years. I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. Now that I didn’t have to keep it together, I just started to crumble. 

I closed my eyes tightly trying to focus on anything but I couldn’t. I started to lose my senses. I started to descend. I just wanted this to be over. Why couldn't my day have been as pleasant as the first half? The perimeters of my eyes began to burn. The stinging wouldn’t subside; I felt tears stream down my cheeks. How pathetic are you Noah? You overthink too much and now you’re ruining this evening with your supposed best friend. 

In the middle of my episode, I felt a warm sensation over my right hand. I tried my best to focus on that warmth and tried to keep a steady breath. I halted my thoughts from spiraling too much, but I couldn’t shake off the eruption entirely. My eyes were red and filled with nothing but self-pity.

I eventually calmed myself enough to open my tired eyes ever so slightly. I peered over at my hand to see the Dyl was holding it. I dared to glance up into his gaze. His eyes were somber, he truly looked concerned.