Liam

I’m not entirely sure what happened. All I know is that I can’t sleep. Today was… so unexpected.

When Caleb came out to me, I thought he was messing with me. Then I realized that hit isn’t who he is. He wouldn’t do that. And that was… a trigger of sorts. It took Adam another half hour or so to get back home and in that time, Caleb and I had a proper conversation. Without Adam as a catalyst. And all the things I liked about him when I could get a glance at them were so much better when I could explore them through a conversation.

He even laughed a couple of times and that felt like such an achievement.

Yes. The crush was definitely there, more alive and vibrant than ever. But just because he is gay doesn’t mean that he is or would ever be interested. But it did fill my heart with hope.

And then… as we heard the front door open, indicating that Adam was home – slightly earlier than I’d have liked – I got a text from Maisie. She wanted to know if I’d go to the cinema with her on Sunday. And before I could think, I was inviting Caleb to come along.

I didn’t care that I was putting him on the spot, Adam already climbing the stairs and calling him, I didn’t care that Maisie might be upset about me inviting someone, I didn’t care that whatever happened in my room might never happen again and that socializing might go back to being awkward, I didn’t care about much. I was just desperate to get another opportunity to see him, away from Adam.

To be fair, I was also fully expecting him to quietly decline, putting his shy mask on now that Adam’s presence was breaking whatever fragile bond we had just sort of been waving. So it took me a little by surprise when he replied: “I’d love to”.

And then next thing I knew, I was texting back Maisie telling her that I already had plans on Sunday.

So here I am now, partly happy, partly guilty.

I can’t wait for tomorrow. But this is also shitty and messed up because… did I just ambush Caleb into a date? I mean… obviously, it’s not a date given that he thinks it’s just hanging out with friends, and I don’t even know if I’d want it to be a date anyway, but… it still doesn’t feel right.

Why do I mess up everything I touch?

So when Caleb shows up at the cinema on Sunday morning, I tell him straight away. “Maisie won’t be there.” I very much avoid telling him why. “So… we can take a raincheck if you want.”

He shrugs. “No, that’s fine. I didn’t come here to hang out with Maisie anyway.”

Does that mean he came to spend time with me? That’s what it means, right?

After the movie, we grab some lunch and that gives us the opportunity to talk a bit more. Like we did in my room. I don’t know what a date is supposed to feel like. Jake and I didn’t really date. We just kissed a bunch of times. But this feels more like spending time with a friend than anything else. Sure, a friend I’d like to kiss a bit more than I ever wanted to kiss Jake, but still.

I am also amazed to realize that although we have pretty much spent all our time together with Adam so far, that was still enough for us to get to know each other. I understand my crush better than ever. It didn’t come out of nowhere. I know this boy. And I think he knows me. Even if we discovered each other on stolen time.

Maybe we can do better now. Maybe we can develop a relationship without my brother in the mix. Even if it’s just friendship. I’d be honored to be his friend. If he wants to.

But then, as we are getting into my car (well… Adam’s care. He wouldn’t lend it to me but mom made him), he asks me: “Liam… what was this?”

I freeze just before putting the engine on and I let go of the wheel, shifting slightly so I can face him. “What do you mean?”

“Today. Is it… were we just hanging out because Maisie didn’t show and we made the best of that, or was this supposed to be a date?”

I have never been this mortified in my entire life. Somehow, coming out was easier than the next sentence I have to say. But I say it anyway, because not coming clean would make me a very shitty person. “I asked Maisie not to come.”

Caleb

Oh.

It’s a convoluted way to answer the question but it says it all, really.

Liam looks embarrassed. Ashamed, even. And I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t mind. That I’m happy, even. That this is the best possible outcome of my improvised coming out.

So I decide to be brave, much braver than I’ve ever been, and I take his hand. An amazing mix of relief and happiness washes over me as his fingers move to link with mine. There is a tension between us, the good kind, and I know he feels it too.

“My mom is going to like you a lot less now,” he jokes. I chuckle and that seems to relax him a little.

“I think I care about this,” I reply, squeezing his fingers gently, “much more than I care about your mother…”

He smiles but then he adds, serious again: “Is it all going a bit fast? You’re not even out.”

“I told my mom. I told you. We’ll have to tell Adam. Other than that… I don’t really care who knows.”

“Are you sure?”

“A few days ago, I would have been terrified at the prospect. But now… it feels like I have more to gain than to lose.”

His face goes soft and he says; “You’ll see. Being out sucks some days, but… it’s quite freeing.”

“What do you think Adam will say?”

“I don’t know. Do you want me to tell him or do you want to do it? He’s my brother so it’s easier for me, but he’s your best friend so you might want to handle it yourself.”

“I think we should do it together.”

“Okay. Just let me know when you want to do this. I get it if you want to take this slow and see where it goes before making a big deal out of it.”

“Now,” I reply.

“What?”

“I want to do it today. I’m done hiding behind every excuse I can find. And you and me… I know it might not work. I know we’re still very much discovering each other, I know I have zero experience doing this, but… I also very badly want to try.”

He smiles, looking a little overwhelmed, and then he slowly leans forward. My heart skips a couple of beats when I understand he is about to kiss me. My eyes fall shut the moment before our lips touch.

A sharp pain immediately pierces my stomach, and yet this is the best thing I’ve ever felt. My free hand lands on the nape of his neck, as if I was trying to keep him close.

And, suddenly, I don’t care about what Adam might say, how the guys from the team might react, what people will whisper in the corridors… All I can think about is how lucky and happy I feel right now.

It is almost incredible that the boy I like would like me back and that all it took for us to find each other was a single moment when we were both ready to open up.

But I don’t want to analyze that right now. All I want is to push my luck a little longer, keep kissing him, half-hidden in that car, before we have to face the world again.

Although something tells me the world is going to feel so wonderfully different now…