Liam

“Which one is the most handsome?” Maisie asks me. We are in the bleachers by the pool. There won’t be a competition for a while to Adam’s coach is making them have a ‘swim off’. It is sort of a competition between the members of the team that other students can come and watch to keep the competitive spirit among the swimmers, or something. There is usually quite a little crowd coming to these, partly because there is some gambling happening.

“I’m not playing that game.”

“What’s the point in having a gay best friend if I can’t play that game?”

“My delightful personality? How I’m always there for you? That I check your math homework? That I will never hit on you?”

“You’re a decent friend,” she admits, falsely picky. “But you have a problem with the swimming team.”

“My brother is in it.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Don’t be such a baby. No one is asking you to look at your brother. He’s a boy and you’re still attracted to boys, aren’t you? So he can be a swimmer and you can be attracted to other swimmers. Besides, it’s a pretend game. No one is asking you to go down there and ask any of them out.”

I don’t tell that this is precisely the issue. Adam is just an excuse. This game makes me uncomfortable because I know which boy I find most handsome, and if I go there I’ll start to wish that this wasn’t just a pretend game and that would make all the times Caleb comes home to spend time with Adam even weirder.

Thankfully, Clara joins us. “Can I come and cheer with you?”

Clara is Adam’s girlfriend. She’s a senior like him so I mainly know her from the times she comes to dinner at home or, like today, when there is a swimming event. Her friends are not particularly interested and even if we’re not really friends, we are definitely friendly.

“Sure!” Maisie replies. “You’re probably going to be more fun than this one.”

“Oh? What is he being a buzzkill about?”

“Picking up the hottest member of the team.”

“Well, of course! The hottest one is his brother. And he’s mine.”

“You just say that because you have to,” Masie replies. “The hottest one is clearly Tom. Or maybe Caleb.”

The two of them start debating and I try to ignore the way my skin slightly tingled when Maisie called out Caleb’s name. That is ridiculous. How does one even develop a crush from history classes and moments stolen from time he was spending with my brother?

It’s not until Clara leaves to wait for Adam by the changing rooms (he won and she wants to be the first one to congratulate him) that I decide to answer my friend’s question.

“Hey, Maisie?”

“Yup?”

“You know your question from before?” I ask as we get into her car. “About the most handsome guy from the team?”

“I said ‘hottest’.”

“Not when you started the game.”

“Whatever. Do you finally have an answer for me?”

“I think it’s Caleb.”

“See? I knew you could do it. Nice choice!” Then her smile freezes slightly and she doesn’t turn the engine on.

“Wait… why are you looking all serious?”

“Because I might be the worst idiot in the world.”

“What do you mean?”

“I pretend like I don’t notice it, but… when he’s home I often find excuses to pop into Adam’s room, when we have lunch with them, I tend to be happier in the afternoon, I hate waiting for Adam’s practice to be over except when we give Caleb a ride home, and… I don’t know. I think I might have a low-key crush on him.”

“You call that low-key? If you put that on paper, it’s a love letter.”

“He barely knows who I am.”

“I don’t know about that. I’m pretty sure he notices the extra body in the car when Adam takes him home.”

“Yeah, okay, he knows my name, but that’s about it.”

“I don’t know. He talks to you more than some of his teammates.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably straight anyway.”

“Right. Exactly like you were before coming out. I mean… yes, he might be. But he might not.” She suddenly looks very excited. “Do you want me to investigate?”

“No. I absolutely do not want you to investigate.”

“Okay. What are you going to do then?”

“Absolutely nothing. I will do what most teenagers do when they have a crush on their older brother’s best friend. I will ignore it.”

Caleb

This is so like Adam. He is the one who asked me to meet him at his place and when I arrive, he isn’t there. I text him and he replies that he is sorry, he lost track of time and he is still at Clara’s, but he’s leaving now and I should just wait for him inside.

I hesitate for a minute, but then I knock on the door. I’m sure Adam’s parents will let me wait in his room and that seems like the least uncomfortable option.

“Oh, hi Caleb,” his mother says with a nice smile. “Adam isn’t here, I’m afraid.”

“I know, he’s running late. He told me it was fine for me to wait for him inside.”

“Of course, it is! You’re always welcome here!” I walk in and I’m about to thank her and disappear in Adam’s room when she does something I didn’t expect. She calls for Liam. He appears at the top of the stairs and frowns when he sees me, confused.

“Honey, your brother is running late. You don’t mind keeping Caleb company, do you?”

“No,” he replies, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. He probably feels awkward about this. We don’t really hang out, just the two of us.

“Great! I’ll leave you two alone. Caleb, are you staying for dinner?”

“No, not tonight, thank you.” My mom finished her last big project at work and she won’t have to work late for a while.

“Okay. Oh, and Liam? Door open, okay?”

He looks mortified for a moment but nods and turns around. I follow him, feeling like such an imposition. I should just have waited outside.

“Sorry about my mom,” he tells me as we get in his room. “Since I came out, my parents have not mentioned it once, but they are much more relaxed when Maisie comes over but I can’t be unsupervised with a boy.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your parents didn’t take it well. Adam never mentioned anything.”

“No, he wouldn’t. He tries to bring the subject up now and then, but… my parents are really good at changing the subject. Which we should do now. You probably don’t care. How is training going?”

“I can discuss other things than swimming, you know?” I reply. He looks embarrassed and I didn’t mean it that way. I just wanted him to stop being so sheltered and defensive.

“You probably don’t want to talk about me coming out to my parents.”

“Why not?”

He shrugs. I can tell that this is a sensitive subject for him. The words come out of my mouth before I can think about them. I guess I wanted to find a way to show him that he isn’t alone and that he can talk about it with me if he wants to. I didn’t fully realize that it would be the first time I would say the words out loud. “At least you could tell them. I had to wait until my mom found out on her own.”

His eyes open wide and he slowly looks up to meet my eyes. “What?”

“No one knows except her. I haven’t even told your brother yet. I just… I don’t know. Felt like it was only fair that you’d know.”

“Adam will be fine with it,” he says, apparently unsure of where he should take this conversation.

“I know. But…”

“But it’s a big step,” he finishes. I nod. “Thanks for sharing this with me,” he adds.

I shrug because I don’t know what else to do. “How is your science project going?” I ask, remembering that he is going to enter a fancy science competition.

“Fine. How do you know about that?”

“You mentioned it in the car.”

He looks pleased and surprised that I would remember. And for the first time ever, I realize that, maybe, by trying to be invisible I made someone else feel invisible. I wish Liam could see how wrong that is.