"I did. For a long time, I did."
Sang Yu nodded. He knew. He knew very well how much Ru Shen had been torn over whether he should abandon the pure loyalty he had originally sworn to him and go beyond that. It was exactly that, what made him feel so guilty. "When I took you to bed for the first time, it was for your beauty just as much as it was because of the good feelings I held for you.
"I don’t need to tell you but there are … few people I can be myself with. And there is only a handful that I would entrust myself to in my most vulnerable moments. You are one of these people, you have been for a long time, and … I can safely say that among these people, you are the one that is the closest and the most important to me."
Sang Yu brushed Ru Shen’s hair to the other side and grabbed his chin, making him face him. "Ah Shen, the feelings I hold for you … They are deep. It is just that I would be lying if I said it is the love that I have heard so many men speak of. That feeling is something I have never felt. If I could, I would start loving you instantly. If I had it in me, then you would be the love of my life. But … I cannot. As much as I regret that."
Ru Shen looked at him. He was still agitated even though not as much as before. Right now, there was mostly a deep sense of disappointment.
He had loved Sang Yu for a long time and every single day until he finally agreed to share his bed with him had been pure agony. He had chastised himself for having these thoughts about his Lord and only when he abandoned those constraints and finally gave himself to this man he had admired for so long did he find peace of mind again.
But the closer they became, the more his worry grew as well. Having to watch Sang Yu marry somebody else and sire a child … even though he knew that it was the right thing to do, he couldn’t help but hurt. But what hurt the most was to never hear him say 'I love you'.
He longed for these three words. He longed for them more than he wanted to admit. But Sang Yu refused to say them and the longer this remained the case, the more worried he grew.
Could it be that Sang Yu’s feelings were not the same as his? Could it be that for all these years, while Sang Yu had enjoyed himself in bed with him, his heart had never been there? Was he unable to fill that spot?
He did not want to think like this. He wanted to believe in his husband. He wanted to believe that this was about more than just plain pleasure. After all, Sang Yu had indeed always treated him different from others. It was just … if Sang Yu did love him, why couldn’t he just satisfy this one wish of his?
He had never asked for anything. He didn’t need to be his only spouse. He did not even need to be his first one. In fact, he might have been able to do without an official title altogether as long as he had Sang Yu’s love. So why could Sang Yu not give him that? Why could he not say the words he wanted to hear so badly? Why couldn’t he reciprocate his feelings?! He couldn’t understand!
Sang Yu observed Ru Shen’s expression and his heart twisted in pain. "Ah Shen …" He hugged him tightly, hoping to somehow dispel his sadness.
The physical closeness only made Ru Shen cry harder. "What did I do wrong?!" He clasped Sang Yu’s shoulders and buried his face in his hair, his own shoulders trembling. He felt pathetic. His husband had just returned from war and he had not suffered injuries. He should be happy and celebrate with him. Instead, he was making a scene because of something like this. So what if Sang Yu did not love him? He was his Lord. How could he expect him to fully give him his heart?
But even though he understood that when he thought about it logically, he still couldn’t help it. He had to make sure, he had to make a fuss. Because if he didn’t, his own heart might break someday soon.
Sang Yu took a shaky breath. "It’s not that. You did nothing wrong. You did everything right. It’s just that I … It’s me who’s different." He sighed and brushed through Ru Shen’s hair. "I never talked about this because …" He paused and tried to sort his thoughts, eventually kissing Ru Shen’s temple to comfort him first. His voice turned softer as well, as if that alone could help him turn things around.
"I should have said something sooner but for a long time, I felt that something was wrong with me. When I heard the others talk about how they fell in love, how they were infatuated with this woman or that man … I could not understand. The feelings they described were foreign to me although I did at least understand the desire to share my bed with somebody. I just couldn’t follow these other feelings they described."
Ru Shen looked up, his eyes still brimming with tears. "Then maybe you haven’t met the right one."
Sang Yu laughed. "So? How long do you want me to wait? Ru Shen, I am already past thirty years. Up until now, I’ve never felt that … crush in my childhood or that blind passion when I was a youth, that urgency of needing to pursue somebody when I finally became a man. At this rate, I might wait until my death and never meet this 'right person'. No. I have waited for that person long enough before I understood that there is no such thing for me."
Ru Shen tried to pull out of his arms but Sang Yu pulled him back, cupping his cheeks.
"There isn’t that 'right person' that I can fall in love with. I simply … I simply do not have these feelings in me. But there is a right person to spend my life with and I have already found him. Don’t take that from me."
Ru Shen looked down and bit his lip. "But you don’t love me. How can you want to spend your life with me?"
Sang Yu’s gaze flickered. He had no doubt about this but he understood that it would be hard for Ru Shen to understand. Once, he had already contemplated telling him about all this. About the doubts he had had for so long, about the realization that maybe he was different from other men and that he would indeed never fall in love. But he had held back in the end precisely because he had feared that this might happen. He had feared that his husband might misunderstand and be hurt and he wanted to prevent that at all costs.
Ru Shen loved him with all his heart. He was sure about that. He could see it in his eyes and hear it when he talked to him. It was in the way he touched him when they were alone and tried to hold back when there were others around.
He knew all of that. And that was exactly what made it so hard for him to admit his lack of … romantic feelings towards him. If he could, he would instantly fall in love. But unfortunately, the Heavens had not gifted him this ability.
That didn’t mean that he didn’t care about Ru Shen though. It was just that he cared about him in his own way and this was hard to make him realize. But he needed to explain it so that Ru Shen could understand or they would indeed break up. He didn’t want that.
Sang Yu furrowed his brows, thinking deeply. If he had known that this would happen, he would have taken more time back then to figure out how to put his feelings into words. Now, he had to rush to find a solution. After all, he could hardly tell Ru Shen to give him time to figure things out himself. If he did that, his husband would walk away without looking back and maybe just shed some tears because he had wasted the best years of his life on him.
Sang Yu looked at his husband who was still crying silently. He himself had been confused by this lack of romantic feelings and had needed years to accept it. He could hardly expect Ru Shen to be able to come to terms with it right away. The best way would probably be to liken it to something …
He pondered and finally, his face lit up. Right! There might be one experience from Ru Shen’s life that would make him understand that not loving him in a romantic way did not mean that he had no feelings for him at all.
He cleared his throat and then gently grabbed Ru Shen’s chin, tilting his head up so he had to look at him. "Ah Shen, let me ask you something. Before you met me, have you ever been in love with somebody else?"
Ru Shen gazed at his husband in confusion and wiped away his tears. "Why are you asking that? Aren’t we talking about us?"
"We are. But I don’t know how to make you understand otherwise. So … have you?"
"Yes. I have." He shook his head. "A few times. You also know that."
Sang Yu nodded. Yes, he knew indeed. When they met, Ru Shen had already been a young man. Naturally, there had been others before him. In fact, he had watched some of that. "Always other men?"
"Yes."
"So no woman?"
Ru Shen furrowed his brows. "Why are you asking what you already know? Sang Yu, are you not taking this serious at all?"
Sang Yu shook his head. "That’s not it. I would never make light of your feelings. I understand that this must have weighed on you for a long time. But that is precisely why I am asking. I am afraid I won’t be able to give you a good explanation but you’re important to me so I want you to understand. Alright?"
Ru Shen hesitated but eventually nodded. "Well, what did you want to say?"
"I remember … before the two of us became a couple, you were considering to marry Ru Xun. Obviously, from what you just said, you never loved her but you were still willing to marry her. Tell me, why was that?"
Ru Shen’s expression turned subtle. "That … she is my adoptive sister … and she always liked me. I knew that."
"So you were just doing it for her? You held no good feelings for her?"
"Of course, I did! But she was family. How could that compare to … to us?" He looked back down, furrowing his brows. He could somewhat understand where Sang Yu was coming from but wasn’t the situation completely different? He had grown up with Ru Xun. Naturally, there would be some good feelings.
"And what were we before our wedding day? You were my adviser, my best friend, the person I admired and shared my bed with. You are still all these things. And you are more in a way that nobody else is. You are all of that at the same time.
"Ru Shen, tell me, if you are willing to spend the rest of your life with your adoptive sister without loving her in a romantic way and see nothing wrong with that, then what is wrong about me wanting to be with you for the rest of our lives just because I cannot have those feelings for you?
"Please, don’t leave me. Not because of this. Not because of something I can’t control and that has been a part of me likely since the day I was born. I don’t love you that way and I understand that you are hurt because of that and might need time to come to terms with it. I’m willing to give you that time. Take as much as you need to think things through, to ask me about whatever you can’t understand. But don’t just leave. Give me a chance."
Ru Shen closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn’t that he wanted to but hearing Sang Yu admit that he had indeed never loved him the same way he had always loved him pained him and he didn’t know if he would be able to live with that pain for the rest of his life.
"Ah Shen." Sang Yu cupped his cheeks again and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. "I know it’s hard to think about it like this but be honest: If you just listen to your heart, if you just look back at the time we spent together and don’t try to assign more meaning to me saying or not saying one sentence than to everything we’ve experienced together, then do you really think that I feel nothing for you? Is that really the case?"
Ru Shen’s brows furrowed. If he did not search for those words, if he just thought of their time together, of the way Sang Yu looked at him when they woke up in the morning, of how they ate together, talking about the things they had to do that day, of how they would separate to go about their own tasks up until they went to bed together in the evening, entangling with each other before they fell asleep …
If he only thought of that and did not think about these words Sang Yu might say or what he might feel toward him, there was nothing left to be desired. It was the kind of relationship he wanted. In fact, he likely would not miss anything if there weren’t others around he could compare their relationship to. When he saw other men hugging their wives and tell them that they loved them, he always felt a pang in his heart.
Just once. He wanted to experience that just once.
Ru Shen teared up once again but this time, he hugged Sang Yu of his own volition. "I’m sorry. I just … I’ve wanted to hear you say it just once. I imagined it, over and over again. But you never said a word. Can you understand that I’m disappointed?"
Sang Yu brushed through his husband’s hair and nodded. "I can. I …" He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "I love you."
Ru Shen laughed despite his tears. "You’re a terrible liar. You always were."
"Only when it comes to you." Sang Yu kissed his cheek again, wiping away the tears, and taking a long look at him until Ru Shen shifted uncomfortably. "I cherish you. More than anyone else in my life. It’s not love but … I hope it’ll be enough for us to last for the rest of our lives."
Ru Shen sighed and nodded. This time, Sang Yu’s words had been sincere. Those were his true feelings. He could sense as much. "It’s my fault for asking in the first place. I might need some time to think it through and I’ll have more questions in the future but … I think I can accept it. Somewhat. Anyway, I would break my own heart if I left you. Why would I do something as stupid as that when you’ve given me no other cause?"
Sang Yu nodded. "Thank you. I know it’s hard for you so … it means a lot to me that you’re willing to stay with me." He leaned over and kissed him, eventually motioning at the bed. "Anyway, why don’t we sleep for a bit? It’s still some time until the celebration and I think the two of us could use some rest after all this."
Ru Shen nodded and laid back down, snuggling up against Sang Yu’s chest. Well, there was nothing he could do to change how things were. He could only try to understand and then learn to live with it.
Some things just were like that and in the end, life with Sang Yu was still what he had imagined it to be. It was just that after all these years, he had still found out something new about him. Maybe it was also his fault for not asking sooner and bringing up what bothered him.
Now that he knew, they could continue on together, just like before. Maybe that was more important than hearing those three words Sang Yu was unable to say. Maybe being cherished in Sang Yu’s own way was enough.
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