Brandon's words stuck with me until long after the weekend, but after some time to think, I decided it was best to act normal and observe.
Obviously I couldn't confront Felicia. I could ask her about Chelsea, sure; but somehow I doubted she would tell me, if she even knew what was going on. Maybe Chelsea's weirdness was totally one-sided, and Felicia hadn't noticed a thing, and me asking would only drive a wedge between these two (if she even believed me in the first place). And that would definitely spell drama.
So, watch and wait. Act normal and see if I could figure out what Brandon was talking about.
Well, act normal and ask Sunday and Dan about it. But they didn't seem to know anything worth knowing either.
"I guess that's just how popular girl friendships work," Sunday assumed. "Screw up and you're out. Chelsea probably knows that."
For once Dan didn't disagree with her. He just frowned, looking deep in thought, and didn't say anything.
Days turned into weeks. Late summer faded into fall, and my new double life went on without any incidents. I hung out with Brandon whenever I could. I spent time with the girls as often as I couldn't find an excuse, usually as the four of us, but sometimes it was just Felicia and me, going to the cat café again. We always chatted easily when we were there, but she never told me anything that could help me solve the riddles around me. She didn't even bring up Brandon.
Except once.
"You know," she said one afternoon, a purring Espresso in her lap, "I'm so glad you and Brandon didn't turn into anything. No offense, but I totally didn't expect you to be this smart about it."
I gulped, stiffening while trying not to let any emotions show on my face. Was this a trick question? Was she trying to get me to slip up that that wasn't the truth? Did she know?
"Thanks," I said cautiously.
I waited for a moment, expecting a trap, a follow-up that revealed her compliment hadn't been genuine, an accusation of lying to her—anything. But no such thing came. Instead Felicia only said, "But hey, you can always meet someone better. Have you met anybody yet?" She regarded me with sharp, inquiring blue eyes. "Anyone you like?"
Brandon's face flickered through my mind, his tousled hair, his vibrant green eyes, and I knew at once what not to say.
"Not really, no," I lied.
"Nobody? Damn." Felicia took a sip from her complicated something-or-other latte I'd forgotten the name of. "I can introduce you to some people if you want. Who do you like? Just guys?"
Up until a second ago, I would've said yes without batting an eye, but Felicia's question suddenly made me hesitate.
Did I? I'd never actually questioned it, I realized. I had just…assumed, sort of. And all the books I'd read had been about girls and guys, and I had always daydreamed about having a love story straight out of a novel, and—well. It had just automatically translated into dreaming of a handsome boyfriend to sweep me off my feet, with little room for other options.
But…was that really the extent of it?
"Um…I think so," I found myself answering instead of the clear 'yes' I'd been hoping for. "Never thought about it, to be honest."
Felicia raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment on that. "So just guys, huh," she said instead. "Ugh, seriously? That's so difficult." She made a face. "There are, like, almost no cute guys here who aren't total douchebags. But you like who you like, so, whatever." She pulled out her phone, ignoring an indignant yelp from Espresso, who meowed at her repeatedly before jumping off her lap. "I can figure something out."
That spelled disaster. "Um—you don't have to," I said. "I don't mind…not liking anybody. I mean, not having anyone I like that way," I added with a nervous giggle. "Sorry. That came out…not right."
"You sure?" she asked. "'Cause I think you could, like, really use somebody who treats you right. Anybody who's not that garbage fire Brandon."
I faked a smile. "Right," I said. "Didn't you just say it's difficult, though? Finding someone? It's not worth the trouble—"
"Shut up," she cut me off. "Girl. I'm serious. Remember what I told you about compliments?"
Compliments? I repeated in my head, confused where that leap had come from. "To take them?"
"Exactly." Felicia crossed her arms. "And the same thing goes for favors. You accept them and say thanks." She smiled sharply. "Any questions?"
"Actually…yes." My mind was racing at breakneck speed for any and all excuses. "What if we have real reasons not to take the favor? Like, I mean—thanks, really. But I think I just…can't."
Felicia's expression didn't change. "Why not?"
Her stare creeps me out, I thought. I'd yet to figure out how exactly she did it; something about personal space invasion paired with a lack of blinking, I suspected. Although it definitely wouldn't work that way if her eyes weren't such a sharp, electric blue that pierced through you with laser precision.
"I…don't really feel ready to date," I improvised, trying my best not to avoid her gaze too hard. "I mean, I only just moved here, and I've got school and homework, and you guys, and it's already…kind of a lot on my plate, you know? I don't think I really have time for a boyfriend."
Felicia regarded me for a moment, her gaze heavy and thoughtful. "You're, like, weirdly logical about this," she said after a moment.
My heart stood still. Was she questioning my excuse? Did she not believe me?
But then Felicia smiled, a lopsided, appreciative little quirk of her lips. "I like that," she said. "Most people don't think that far and date anyway, and then it all blows up, and then there's this huge drama and the whole world knows and people don't talk to people for, like, half a year." She rolled her eyes. "I just thought you'd be like that too. 'Cause it's…romantic, or whatever."
I smiled, but my smile felt stiff and fake. Felicia's praise couldn't be further from the truth, and I suddenly felt like I'd gotten an A on a test I had cheated at. If Felicia ever found out the truth…
If she ever finds out, I'm pretty much dead.
It wasn't even just that she hated Brandon and didn't want me to date him. At this point it felt like she trusted me not to see Brandon behind her back. And that was worse. Expectations were one thing; but if I wound up betraying her trust…
I didn't want that. Not just because it would get me in trouble, but because I actually didn't want Felicia to be disappointed in me. I didn't want her to think she'd been wrong about me, wrong to have had faith in me. Even if, right now, I didn't fully trust her myself.
…Was that how Chelsea felt?
I didn't know. I couldn't know. All I knew was that I didn't want Felicia to find out about me and Brandon, ever, even though deep down I knew it would have to happen eventually.
"Uh…thanks," I said, because I needed to say something, and I couldn't think of anything better to say. "I think."
Felicia flashed a quick smile. "But I still think you need to meet more people," she said. "Especially decent guys. You don't need to, like, get a boyfriend or whatever if you don't want to," she added quickly, "but you need to raise your standards, in case Brandon comes after you again or something, and fictional guys are so totally not helping. You need to meet some real good guys so you know how you're supposed to be treated."
Once again she was getting uncomfortably close to the truth, so close I couldn't help wondering if she didn't know it already. Was this all a game to her? A way to trick me into admitting something I shouldn't?
"Okay," I said, nodding along in supposed understanding. "So…where do I get those?"
"Well, here's the thing." Felicia pursed her lips. "Since you said you don't wanna date, I can introduce you to other people's boyfriends and it's fine. Some of the girls on the cheer squad have really good boyfriends, I hope they keep them 'cause they could totally marry those guys or something. Anyway, do you have any plans for Halloween?"
Another drastic subject change. "Halloween?"
"Yeah! There's gonna be this huge party and—" She stopped short. "Have you ever been to a real party before?"
I thought for a moment, then shook my head. "I don't really get invited to parties."
"I can get you invited, the girls and I are going already. We just need a costume for you or something, we coordinate costumes every year, but we can totally still fit you in there." Felicia unlocked her phone again, tapping something into her notes app. "So, you in?"
I tensed, already thinking of Brandon's reaction if I joined the girls for a party. "I really don't think—"
Felicia looked at me, and I froze just in time. I really don't think Brandon will like that, was what I'd been about to say.
"What?" she asked.
"Um…" My face felt hot. "I really don't think my parents will like that…they wouldn't be happy to see me partying."
Felicia pondered that, then she waved it off. "Your dad seems cool, I can talk to him," she said. "If your mom has a problem, I can try her too. If I were your parents I'd be happy my daughter's getting a social life."
I was rapidly running out of excuses, and the truth wasn't an option. "What if I still can't go?" I asked.
She thought about it again. "Then that's life," she said at length. "You can go to a different party someday or whatever. It's not the end of the world."
Learning that felt both surprising and weirdly relaxing.
"But," she added with a smile, "I really don't think it's gonna go that far."
"Right," I said distantly.
Houston, I had a problem.
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