** BRIAN **

SPENDING THOSE TWO HOURS WITH ALLAN DURING his class was perhaps the best moment I’ve had the whole week. He was so incredible to be around that I even gave him the fifteen minutes he stood outside the door in the end. I didn’t tell him, though, and only pretended to be distracted. If I’m honest with myself, as I saw the clock rushing towards the end of his class, I started to realise I wasn’t ready to let him go. That was stupid. I was his teacher.

Right from the start of his lesson I quickly understood he performed better when he had something else to distract him. Trying too hard to focus made him extra aware of his mistakes and that made him recoil in shame next to me. That was a sight I never wanted to see again from him. I still wasn’t sure of the reason, though.

Damn it.

That meant I started inserting small talk in the middle of the instructions I would give him basic personal questions, but making sure I stayed very distant from the many hobbies he had taken. I didn’t want him to think about failure, I wanted him to think about hope. And if that assassination to my ears that first time he touched my piano was an indicator of anything, it was that he still had at least a little ray of hope in him and that was what I held on to.

Learning he was actually three years older than me was a bit of a shock to the both of us and I quickly saw him starting to recoil again, so I cut that self-awareness very quick.

‘Don’t think of age, think of time of experience. You have one hour of piano-playing in you and I just happen to have sixteen years, that’s all. Who knows, sixteen years from now, you can be the world’s greatest pianist.’

He relaxed his arms and started laughing out loud. That sounded better than any music I’ve ever heard or played.

When it was at last time for him to leave, I rummaged my brain for an excuse to be with him even if a little longer.

‘Uuuh… Hey, Allan. Hang on. I’ll go down with you, if you don’t mind. I need to get dinner. I’ll just grab my wallet.’

I ran into my bedroom trying to hide my face because I was certain I was blushing. I got my wallet from my nightstand and, for good measure, sprayed a little perfume up the air and walked underneath it on my way out. I got back to the living room and saw him at ease. That was the Allan I wanted to keep seeing.

Problem was, I kept remembering his mother’s words about how he always gave up whenever he tried something new. What just yesterday sounded like a possible blessing was now daunting.

We kept talking basic things as we waited for the lifts and walked down the road to the intersection. There, I tried pushing my luck a second time by inviting myself to his company once more. He smiled so widely that the world stopped for a second and I needed to disguise the look on my face, so I turned round and pretended to sneeze. Thank God he bought it.

His bus arrived just too soon and I attempted something at the same time natural and bold, considering his case. I gave him my best smile and just blasted ‘until Friday’. I was really pushing it.

‘Sure,’ he smiled while speaking and there was honesty in that smile.

I watched his bus go up the main road and out of sight and I stayed there for a few more seconds. I spun on my heels and headed back home, dinner forgotten, seeing his face in front of me as I walked. His sand hair that was so short it was almost spiked, but still combed to the side as if he hadn’t really given it much thought. His skin that looked like gold.

Brian, you’re his teacher.

But his mother wants me to spend time with him.

You’re still his teacher.

That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.

You’re a better professional than this.

But he accepted my company and no one can fake a smile like that.

You’ll get in trouble for that and you know it. You’ll get in trouble with yourself.

His mother did say any extra time I decided to spend with him was on me.

You’re hopeless, you know that.

Damn it.

I threw myself on my couch and just sat there with spread legs for what felt like eternity. Then I sat by my piano. One would think that after a day in front of it I would want some rest, but it was actually after my teaching day was done that I loved the most to play and, modesty aside, played my best. Sometimes the song would be just as boring as the whole day had been before it, but today the tune was full of inspiration, hope… longing.

What power was that? I had just met the guy, I only knew silly amenities about him, nothing really deep. And he didn’t seem to know even that about me.

‘Did you see that, nanna?’ I caught myself talking out loud. ‘He didn’t know who I was. That was a first. How many people came here just pretending to be students but were expecting me to dish on those pop starts I would tour with. Even a reporter tried to pull that trick on me once, remember? But he has no idea. I liked it. I wonder if you’ve ever met him, since you were friends with his mother. We never crossed paths when we were kids, though. True, I rarely went to church with you and you never had people over. You knew better than to annoy grandpa.’

I sighed as I continued playing, memories of Allan mixed with thoughts of my grandmother, all blending into a rather melancholic melody. Friday couldn’t come fast enough.

Until it finally did. His was the only class I had that day, so I killed some time playing. When it was five minutes before his class, I retreated my hands from the keys and wanted to pee before waiting by the door, when I immediately heard the four knocks. I jogged to the door and swung it open to find him there, awestruck, looking deep into my eyes.

‘Beautiful,’ he said. A bolt of hope striking my heart. ‘That was so beautiful, Brian.’

I blushed. Hard. I could feel the blood on my cheeks. This time, though, I didn’t have it in me to hide it. Maybe I didn’t even want to.

‘Thanks. Come on in. How long have you been there?’

‘I don’t know, really. Twenty, thirty minutes, maybe? I came straight from work and I was wondering if you’d mind if I arrived a bit earlier, but when I got out of the lift, I could hear the music and it was so gorgeous… And then that magnificent door of yours made the whole thing magical. It was as if I could see this whole world of fantasy and perfection and it had this amazing soundtrack. I just didn’t have the guts to interrupt it, so I just stayed and enjoyed it until you seemed to have finished.’

‘Yeah. I just did. Make yourself comfortable, okay? I’ll be right back.’

I tried to calmly enter the flat towards the bathroom, but I think I did a little bit of a run. At least it wasn’t as fast as my heart was pounding.

I closed the door behind me and turned on the lights, facing my reflection.

It was the strangest feeling. For a second out there I thought this urge to run to him and kiss him, holding that clueless boy in my arms and be all over him. No. I can’t do that. No.

But the way he talked about my music made everything matter ten times more. I never cared for fame or fortune; it had always been about the music for me, maybe that was why I didn’t mind retiring so young. And now, to hear Allan complimenting my abilities like that was making me feel even more things for him than I was already dealing with.

I need to find middle ground.

Obviously, you need him to be in your life more than just as a student.

But I can’t make him give up. I need to be a good teacher for him.

You want to look at his face every moment of your life.

I need to be professional.

You can be his friend. That’s harmless enough, right?

Okay. I can work towards that. It seems a reasonable goal.

Talking about work, right now it’s time to think of him only as what he still is: my student. I head back to the living room, where he’s already sitting by the piano, gently caressing the keys. At the same time being careful not to play any notes, but longing to touch.

For the next two hours, I was the perfect example of professionalism. But when his class ended and we got to our feet, I was quick to speak.

‘Do you mind waiting again? Dinner.’

He gave me that smile that killed me with tenderness every time. I ran to grab my wallet and we were soon walking down the pavement together. I had a plan, I think.

‘You said earlier you came straight from work,’ I said as we approached the intersection. ‘Does that mean you still didn’t have anything to eat?’

‘Actually, it does. I think I’ll grab something when I get down from the bus close to home.’

‘Or we can grab something here. There are a lot of options down the main road, my favourite being this pizza parlour three corners down that serves the best stuffed crust on the planet. What do you say?’

‘You had me at pizza,’ his smile was wide and perfect. ‘You had me all over again at stuffed crust.’

I stared at him with an excited gaze for a second. I know what he had meant by ‘I had him’, but if only he knew how much I wanted to actually have him.