"It's probably something that shouldn't be said out loud. Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now."

~Billie Eilish, 'bury a friend'

~~~

*Ryland's POV*

I groan loudly, pain shooting through my back. The ground is cold and hard beneath me, making the impact feel that much worse.

"Get up," Ronnie commands. "We're not done yet."

"Easy for you to say," I grumble as I try to stand back up. "You're not the one getting your ass kicked."

"You wouldn't be either if you actually tried to fight back."

"I can't," I spit back through clenched teeth. Ronnie reaches her hand out, pulling me back on my feet.

"You can. You just need to focus."

I narrow my eyes at her. She knows exactly why I can't fight back. She knows. And yet, she won't let up on these stupid training exercises. It's not going to work. It hasn't worked for the past five years, and it's not going to work now.

"Don't be a pussy," Ronnie snaps, sending a jolt of irritation through me. "Fight back!" Her fist comes swinging at me. I block her attack with my forearm, making sure to stick with purely defensive actions as Ronnie takes the offensive position. Ronnie groans, throwing her hands in the air. "Come on, Ry! We can't get your adrenaline racing if you refuse to fight back! The training only works if your adrenaline is racing! If you can control yourself while your adrenaline is high, you won't need the collar anymore!"

"This training is shit and you know it," I retort. "If doing these exercises helped, don't you think we would've seen some progress by now? Forget it, I'm done with this useless sparring."

I turn away, marching across the empty field back towards town. The chilling sounds of bones cracking and fabric tearing echo through the air, making me stop dead in my tracks. A low growl is heard behind me, and I slowly turn back around.

My heart pounds in my chest at the sight of the large wolf in front of me. Wind blows through her silky, dark grey fur, and her golden glowing eyes lock on mine. The sight of her is so stunningly beautiful, rendering me speechless. No matter how many times we meet, I'm always blown away by the power and beauty of her aura.

"Valeria," I breathe out. A low rumble resounds in her chest in response. "It's good to see you."

'Veronica thought you might need more motivation,' she informs me through our pack mind link. Her voice is similar to Ronnie's, only huskier. Almost what you would expect a blues singer to sound like.

"So she asked you to come out?" I question, raising an eyebrow.

'I can be very.... persuasive.'

Before I can wrap my mind around that, Valeria lunges at me. I yelp and hit the ground, scrambling in the grassy field. The grey wolf towers over me, snapping her teeth in my face as animalistic growls rip from her muzzle. I push against her, keeping her sharp canines from shredding my face. Panic starts to rise up in my chest, which only makes me panic even more.

Stop.

Please.

No more.

I can't....

Panic reaches its heights, and my body begins to convulse as shock waves are shot through my body. I gasp as the pain jolts down my spine. My hands reach up towards the insidious collar, and I hiss as the contact burns my palms.

"Shit!" I grit out, my body continuing to spasm violently. Taking deep breathes, I will myself to calm down. I hear that familiar sound of bones cracking, and Ronnie appears above me, watching me with fearful eyes. Her hands twitch at her sides, and I know she wants to reach out for me, but she knows better than that. The only thing that will help now is riding it out, and waiting for the collar to detect my lowering heart rate.

I close my eyes and focus on lowering my heart rate. My breathing is the first that returns to normal as I feel the pounding in my chest slowly decelerate. The pain decreases until it's but a mere memory; the phantom pains still making my limbs tingle. I release a breath of relief, relaxing into the soft grass as my eyes flutter shut.

"Ry?" Ronnie calls out softly.

"I told you I didn't want to fight back," I say, keeping my eyes shut tight.

"I know, but I just thought—"

"No! I'm tired of hearing the same old reasonings every time! This didn't work five years ago, it didn't work just now, and it's not going to work five years in the future. Give it up."

I pull myself off the ground, holding back a groan at the ache in my bones. Ronnie crosses her arms over her chest, doing her best to cover her bare form. I sigh, pulling off my hoodie and tossing it to her. Fortunately, my torso is longer than hers, so the garment falls to the middle of her thighs. Ronnie isn't short by any means, but I'm 6' 1", giving myself a few inches on her.

"We can't just give up!" Ronnie huffs, smoothing her tangled locks down. "Don't you want to live a semi-normal life? Be able to let loose without worrying about that collar blasting your ass to Mars?"

"We're wolves. Nothing about our lives is 'normal' in the first place. I've made my peace with it, and so should you."

"How can you say that! There's no way you've just 'made your peace' with it. God, Ryland! I'm so sick of your shit attitude. You should be able to do the things all the other wolves don't have to worry about doing. Sparring, racing, having sex—"

"I can still do that last one," I interject.

Ronnie rolls her eyes. "I'm not talking about that pathetic, vanilla sex you partake in when you're bored. I'm talking about real sex. Sweaty bodies, roaming hands, tongues—"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" I cut her off before the imagery gets me too excited. "And for the record, I don't have sex out of boredom."

"Oh yeah? Then why else would you choose to subject yourself to something when you can't fully let loose?"

I shrug my shoulders. "To feel normal. I just want to do the things everyone else can do," I explain, looking out at the empty field surrounding us. We've been coming to this field ever since I got my collar. The witch that bestowed it upon me vanished without giving me any instructions. All I know is that if my heart races too much, or if I get overly worked up, I receive a nasty shock to keep River from breaking free. It pretty much limits everything I can do as a wolf. I can't wrestle with my friends like I used to. I can't challenge them to races. The only thing I can do to help me feel normal is sex. No matter how 'plain' it may be. Seeing as I was saving myself for my mate, it's obviously not something I did before Roman rejected me, so it's not like I can tell the difference anyway. Ronnie and Lyn both agree that I'm missing out on something, but who cares? It's not like I'll ever get to experience the shit they talk about. Vanilla sex with random guys and faking orgasms instead of allowing the real thing to happen is all I'm ever going to get.

Besides, I'm sure Ronnie is just full of shit. She's saving herself for her mate, too. Wherever he or she is. The only one of us who has experienced real sex (as my friends like to call it) is Lyn.

And eventually, Ronnie will experience it, too.

But not me.

Never me.

"Ryland," Ronnie starts in a softer tone. "I just want to do everything I can to help you."

"I know, but—"

"And you should have all the experiences that everyone else can have."

"Ronnie, you're not listening to—"

"And if something as simple as sparring is going to make you feral—"

"Enough!" I snarl. My eyes burn as they glow, and I don't need a fucking mirror to know they're red as opposed to their former bright gold. "I said I'm done, and I'm mean it! I'm done!"

I turn on my heel and stomp away, my anger fuming. Once I've reached the pack grounds, I lean back against a tree and take a few deep breathes to calm myself. I focus on the breathing exercises the pack shrink taught me to help keep me calm. The breathing exercises don't help much as Ronnie's words echo in my mind.

And if something as simple as sparring is going to make you feral...

My jaw clenches with that word. That word should never be said out loud.

Feral.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I release a heavy sigh, letting my head fall back against the hardwood tree.

It happened five years ago.

I was 19-years-old. Young, optimistic, hopeful. Excited about one day finding my mate. A year had passed since I became of age, but that didn't put a damper on my spirits. A lot of wolves searched for a few years before finding their mates. Unless you happened to be in the same pack as your mate, it's likely that you won't find your mate right away.

We had just gotten news that the Alpha of the Blood River Pack was touring the packs in the area. He was to be stopping by our pack next, meeting our leaders and paying respects to the pack elder. Ronnie, Lyn and I were bursting at the seams with excitement. We would discuss the possibilities that one of us could be mated to this Alpha, giggling like a bunch of school girls. Well, Lyn and I were giggling. Ronnie was just silently smirking, trying to act cool when we all knew she was just as excited as we were.

The pack gathered outside to greet the Alpha. He arrived with a swarm of guards surrounding him. The only thing I could see at first was the back of him, and damn, did that leave quite the impression. I didn't need to see his face to know he was beautiful. Power exuded from him, and I basked in the warm glow of it. I watched from afar as he greeted our own Alpha. He held himself with a powerful grace; the sun shining on his chocolate skin only adding to his beauty.

I didn't know why, but I knew I felt drawn to him. I wanted him to turn around, to look into my eyes. To confirm or deny my suspicious... that we....

'What if he's our mate?' River questioned giddily. 'Oh goddess, could you imagine having such a gorgeous mate? I bet his wolf is just as stunning. You have to get him to look at us, get his attention—'

'River, calm down,' I chuckled back in our mind link. 'There's no way someone like him is mated to someone like me.'

'Why not? What's wrong with you? You're great!'

I rolled my eyes. 'You have to say that. We share our bodies.'

'Still.'

'He's an Alpha. An incredibly sexy one at that. His mate is probably a high ranking wolf of another pack. Or at least a woman. He might not even be gay.'

'You never know. Not everyone is gay before finding out their mate is a guy. You're just one of the special ones,' River teased. I wished we had different vessels so I could knock him upside the head for that comment.

Whatever. There was no point in getting my hopes up. Still.... it didn't hurt to look.