“Do you want to talk about it?”

I ran my fingers over the pillow I’m holding and looked at Doctor Brown as she’s writing in her notebook after I brought up my visit with my dad. I’ve been avoiding it and I felt bad that I promised Elliot that I would talk to her about it and I still feel embarrassed about the way I reacted. I sighed and knew that I have to talk about it and it really wasn’t something that I should be avoiding.

“I was supposed to talk about it that week after it happened,” I informed her and took a deep breath. “I visited my dad and everything seemed fine. We talked, had dinner and I saw my sister, but my dad just always finds a way to end the day with this hardship advice that I just don’t think he hears himself on the way talks to me.”

“Didn’t you say that he always had a rough expression since childhood? Maybe he doesn’t know any other way to respond,” She said as she set her notebook on the coffee table. “You brought up the discussion about your suicide when we first met and we discussed being involved with his wedding.”

I thought about my dad’s wedding and blushed, “The wedding did go well.”

“And now?” She asked.

I turned to her and reminded myself what I wanted to say, “He was telling me that I need to work and how I shouldn’t be depending on others especially to go visit him without needing people to take me.”

“And what do you see that is a problem?” Doctor Brown asked as she reached for her notebook again.

I took a deep breath, “It’s not really a problem with any of it. I don’t mind going to visit without Elliot or my mom if she ever likes to go. I haven’t been traveling alone so often as before but I do it when I have to and I feel like my dad believes I depend on them to take me everywhere.” I explained to her and sat up a bit to face her. “And to work, that makes me nervous just thinking about it that I’m afraid of failing. I don’t want a job that stresses me out that I would leave because I can’t handle it and I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want them to think that I’ll reset and believe that I can’t do things on my own.”

Doctor Brown wrote on the notebook and tapped on the paper for a second before looking over at me, “And yourself? Do you believe that you’ll feel like that as well?”

I opened my mouth then closed it, nodding my head.

“You don’t want to feel disappointed in yourself?” She asked, wanting a verbal answer.

“Yeah, yes. I guess I’m still scared to disappoint them and… I don’t want to be disappointed with myself as well. I feel like if I can’t handle one job then I can’t handle the work somewhere else,” I told her and held the pillow tightly against my chest. “Is that bad to want to achieve and also be afraid of doing it?”

“Oh, no. It’s not a bad thing to feel that way and honestly, that is normal to be scared.” She said putting her notebook down again and scooting a little to sit on the edge of her chair. “I was nervous working in a field like this when I first started and I felt like I don’t always do a good job.”

“But you do. I’ve always enjoyed coming to your sessions,” I cut in.

She smiled, “And thank you for always being honest with me.”

“I told Elliot and my friend that I might just wait a bit when the semester is over and spend my summer working,” I informed her. “I don’t want to balance both school work and actual work at the same time. I would rather work and be comfortable before having to balance school with it.”

She nods, “I think that is a fabulous idea. Have you thought about where you would like to work? Checked the stores or online for places that could be a possibility?”

I shook my head, “No. Should I already look into it?”

“That’s up to you. You still have time before the semester is over and it just means that you can see what work would be available for summer work or maybe ask a friend if their workplace is hiring so there is someone that can help.”She suggested and checked the time. “We have just a few minutes more before the session ends if there is any more you like to talk about or we can reflect on a few things.”

I wasn’t too sure if there was any more to tell her before I thought about Lucas, “I made a new friend… friends, hopefully.”

Doctor Brown smiled and raised her hand in a motion for me to continue. “That’s great. You haven’t talked about your friends for some time.”

“Well, there wasn’t much to go on with my friends and I hardly see them besides Luis since I see him on campus,” I said, feeling a bit embarrassed. “They aren’t like my friends in high school.”

“And how are they different?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

“They… they are just different in their own way, but they are just as normal,” I said and I know that might not make sense. “I mean, that they are different in age and personality, orientation.”

“Ah, would you like to tell me who they are?” She asks me.

“Well, Lucas approached me and he offers tutoring sessions at the campus library which is where I met his friends,” I explained and thought about what we did last week. “Lucas and his friend Andre run a support group for the LGBTQ and plus...”

Doctor Brown nod as she listens and I can see she was curious, “Does that also mean everyone in the group is queer or have another way to defined themselves?” She asked.

“Yes. They were welcoming and has this energy around them... That’s what made them different.” I answered her. “I haven’t hanged out with other people that are like me…”

“Gay?”

“Gay, lesbian, or queer,” I said, turning to her and hoped that I made sense of what I’m trying to explain. “I’ve only had Elliot, but he was never interested in men before he started dating me and he admits that he might not be interested in other guys besides me.”

“What about Chris?” Doctor Brown asked me.

I paused and just shrugged my shoulders. “Was he ever interested in me… I felt like he just enjoyed having me around like a lap dog or just be able to have control of something… someone.” I said looking down at the ground. “Chris must have been with girls and I didn’t know about it. I wouldn’t be surprised, really.”

“So you’re claiming that Chris is not bisexual?”

I turned to her and thought about her question, “No, I’m not claiming.”

“It’s possible that Chris is bisexual and terrified for others to know about it,” She suggested.

“He would wrap his arms around me while his friends are around and they seemed to take the hint whenever we were together,. I don't think that is him showing that he was terrified for others to know,” I tell her.

“But did the words that you two were a couple ever came out of his mouth in front of other people?”

I opened my mouth wanting to reply, but I thought hard to remember if Chris told his friends and not just when they claimed that I was his ‘play toy’ when they were teasing me. “Um, no, not that I remember.” I finally answered. “His friends joked a lot about Chris using me during the time they were bullying me and Chris never cared about it, but I don’t remember him telling his friends that I’m his boyfriend. I just thought they didn't care about our relationship since we didn't announce it to them and I liked that Chris never made it a big deal about how things were between us. But...”

"But?" She waited for me to finish talking.

I pressed my lips together, biting my bottom lip. "But Elliot made me realized how abnormal it was. When Elliot asked me out on our first date I realized that Chris and I never went on dates. We never went out in public together like going to the movies or out to eat as a couple." I continued on as I cupped my hands together. "A lot of things were always my first with Elliot and that's why I don't believe Chris would actually be interested in someone of the same-sex. I was probably his experiment."

Doctor Brown watched me before sitting back in her chair, “People tend to hide around fear or anger to not show their true self. Maybe Chris hasn’t accepted that he is interested in men and doesn’t wish to share it openly-”

“I don’t think any of that should be an excuse for his actions.” I cut her off and I felt a bit angry as I was listening to her. “He told me over and over that he liked me. The same words that Elliot said to me when we started dating and the difference between the two was that Elliot wanted to show everyone how much he cared for me while Chris kept me hidden away from the damage he was causing.”

Doctor Brown didn’t respond back to my statement before nodding, “I would have to agree with you on that.”