Elliot shook my Dad’s hand before we stepped out of the house, and once in the car, I sighed, leaning my head back on the headrest. Why is it always so exhausting talking to him and having to think that I can do things so quickly while I still have trouble with adjustments? Elliot reached to hold my hand as he started driving, and I wondered if he heard our conversation from the kitchen. It’s not like I haven’t thought about working, but it’s terrifying for me to approach strangers still, and if I work, how will I handle it? I still have a hard time speaking out without feeling flustered or even sounding professional. I'm barely doing well going to college, learning my course subject, and trying to adjust all this on my own because I feel like I have to do this on my own. Everyone else is no longer around me as before, and they also have to do things like this themselves, so that means I have to as well.

“Your dad is sort of right…” Elliot said, sounding a bit hesitant on continuing the subject after a couple of minutes in silence in the car. “It’s kind of what we talked about last week.”

“So, I should just drop a year or a semester and just work? Or do both?” I asked him.

“Either one is fine. It’s up to you on what you want to do.” He said as he focused on the road.

“It’s not that easy...”

“It can once you get used to it and what you think is best for yourself.” He replied, glancing over at me. “You don’t have to look so upset about it. It’s just an idea.”

“I know, but everything is still difficult for me while I'm trying to pass my courses for this semester, and these ideas of taking a break feel like I’m giving up.”

“I’m not saying that you should give up. I don’t want you to think that. I’m just saying that it’s okay to take time off while you figure out what major you'll be submitting to the counselor.” He tells me as he looks over at me at a red light. “Or take a job and work only weekends while you still go to school. I can help you if you want.”

"I don’t want to take your time away when you’re busy. Your campus is far, you live in the dorms on the weekday and home on weekends then you won’t be having free time once you have that intern job that you've been applying for,” I replied as I looked out the window. “I’ll figure it out on my own so don't worry about it.”

“Michael, even if I am busy or live far, I’m also here to support you. You don’t have to feel pressure about this, and if you don’t want to work, then wait until the semester is over.” He tells me.

I didn’t have much to respond during the drive, and it took some time to arrive at my house because of evening traffic. Elliot has always been supportive during my progress when selecting a college in high school, but there were times where I felt like he can’t always be there all the time now and everyone else has been busy as well that we haven’t had the chance to see each other until recently. I made my way inside the house feeling a little more at ease now lying down on my own bed, and I just wanted to clear my mind from everything that was discussed today.

Elliot sat at the end of the bed, he said that he can't stay too long, and it seemed like he didn't want to bring up any more sensitive topics. I'm sure he was curious about my thoughts when I walked into my room and I want to tell him, but I feel like he might not understand my reaction while I was in my old room. Maybe he will, but it could have been me overreacting and it's just embarrassing saying it out loud.

I felt myself taking a deep breath as I stared up at the ceiling, “I know that this really shouldn’t bother me and I don’t have to push myself to find work, but I just don’t want to let my parents down… I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to take a break from college because that would be like I’m setting myself back and if I don’t work then my dad would think that I can’t handle myself.”

“Michael, this is about you. Not them. I know you want to make them happy, but if this makes you upset then you are not doing anything that’ll be making yourself happy.” Elliot said, reached for my hand. “You told me that you never saw a future for yourself… Well, take this chance to go out there and find what you want to be or learn what you didn’t learn in high school. It’s okay to do what you want even when your parents don’t understand.

I looked at him, taking in his words, before sitting up and moved to rest my head on his shoulder. “Don’t go home yet…”

I can feel his hands running over the top of my head, “I can stay a little longer.”

 I wrap my arms around his waist and he moved so that I can lay down again with him beside me. It’s always comfortable being able to lay beside him that I never want him to leave and I know by the end of the night he has to go. I leaned over to kiss him and I just wanted to forget everything that was going on today. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he held me close and it feels like it’s been a while since been like this. I hoped that when I see him next week it’ll be a bit easier after the conversation we had and we don’t have this discussion for the time being.

We were like this for a while, him leaning moreover me, and I had my hands wrapped around his shoulders feeling his warm lips while his hands brushed over my cheeks. It was like time had stopped because it didn’t matter what else was going on and it’s just focusing on what we were doing. I can feel Elliot brushing his hands over my waist then felt his hands brushing under my shirt giving me shivers up my back. I watched him, feeling shy, as he lifts my shirt a bit more and he began to kiss my stomach. I ran my fingers over his hair and felt my breathing becoming heavy as I closed my eyes feeling his lips. I was completely distracted that I barely heard movement outside and I tapped him on the shoulders as I slowly moved to sit up trying to pull my shirt down.

“My mom is home,” I whispered.

Elliot moved over beside me and before he could say anything the door swung open. “Hi, Ms. Hernandez.” He said, giving a sheepish smile.

“Oh, you boys are home,” She said, smiling back. “I thought you guys would be gone a bit longer until I saw Elliot’s car.”

“Elliot still needs to drive home,” I said, trying not to blush, feeling like we were almost caught.

Mom nods, “Well, it’s good to see you, Elliot. We miss having you around the house.”

“I’ll be back next weekend,” He reassured her.

She smiled, “Alright. I’ll have dinner ready when you come by.” she replied before stepping out of the room and left the door a bit open.

I stood up and went over to quietly close it, “That was too close.”

“You should start locking the doors,” Elliot laughed.

I moved to lay beside him, placing my head on his shoulder, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said as he kisses my cheeks. “I wasn’t going to go far if that’s what you were worried about. I do need to leave soon.”

“I know. I’m just still shy about mom finding us like that,” I mumbled, watching him and hug him again trying to bury my face against his chest.

Elliot was quiet for a second running his fingers over my hair, “Michael.”

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk about it now?”

“About what?”

“How you felt when you saw your room,” he said moving his hand away when I looked at him.

“Don’t do that,” I said. “Not right now.”

“What?”

I sat up and moved to lean back against the headboard, “Don’t be my boyfriend then switch to being my therapist. That’s why I have Doctor Brown. I just want you to be my boyfriend right now before you have to leave. You helped me enough that I don’t want you to always check on me like a patient.”

“I’m just curious. You just looked really upset,” He said reaching for my hand. “I didn’t mean to come off like that. Do you not want to talk about it?”

I glanced over at the door then shook my head, “No. At least not right now.”

He looked at me looking a little uncertain before nodding his head. standing up, and getting out of bed. “Alright. Well, I should head out. It’s really getting late and I can’t stay any longer.”

I sat up reaching out to grab his hand when I saw him pulling away, “You’re not leaving because I don’t want to talk about what happened at my dad’s right?”

“No, of course not. It really is getting late and there’ll be traffic,” Elliot said, turning to me. “I’m sorry if I overstepped… I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

I leaned up over to him and kissed him wrapping my arms around his waist, “I’m fine. If I’m still bothered by it then I will tell you, but it shouldn’t be something for you to be worried about or try to get my emotions out of my mouth.”

Elliot frowned, “That didn’t sound nice.”

I rest my head on his shoulders, “Sorry.”

He sighed reaching out to brush my cheeks, having me look at him, “I’ll let it slide since I wasn’t being fair with you either, and if I made you uncomfortable.”

I shook my head, “I just don’t want you to always have to care for me in that way that leaves you worried and to bother you with things I say. I could just be overreacting about certain situations as I did in high school and take things out of proportion.”

Elliot kissed my lips softly and I can feel his warm breath as he rests his head on my shoulder, “Nothing you say or feel is an overreaction. I’m sure you already know that everything you feel is always important to me and just hearing how you feel about what bothers you let me know that you still have that much trust in me.”

I bit my bottom lip as I’m hearing him say these words and making me feel bad that I was pushing him away. I know he said that he has to leave, but I feel like what I’ll say would make him leave to stay a little longer and I wouldn’t mind that. It was true that I don’t want Elliot to act as my therapist, but sometimes I think we’ve gotten too comfortable with me telling him all my problems and there are times where I feel like he’s already busy enough to hear my problems. I sat down again and reached for his hand pulling him back down to sit beside me deciding that I’ll tell him how I felt.

“It’s embarrassing to say. I just… I felt replaced,” I mumbled, staring at the ground.

“What do you mean?”

“At my dad’s house, when I saw that my room now belongs to Ally and seeing my things gone,” I told him, feeling my jaw clenched, embarrassed at how I felt. “I should be happy that my dad has a new family and that I have a sister… I feel like my dad is replacing me with his new family and wants to start new so he can forget what we went through.”

“She’s not replacing you, Michael,” Elliot said, shaking his head. “It’s okay-”

“You said you want to know how I felt so I’m going to tell you… Please, don’t give me this heartfelt advice or comment on why it’s normal to react this way. I don’t want to hear that right now,” I said, trying to not sound harsh as I inhaled moving to lean back against the headboard wanting a bit of space to finish explaining. “Dad obviously isn’t proud of me if you heard our conversation and knowing that he has a girl to raise would be easier on him. She won’t turn out like I did and she’ll have a mom that won’t leave. She’ll have a happier life. A happier family.”

“Michael, don’t… don’t let yourself compare your childhood and assuming that she’ll have it easier. She’ll grow up wanting to know about your past: why her big brother has a different mom and why his partner is male, not a female.” Elliot said, shifting a bit on the bed to face me. “This is my personal advice, not professional, since I grew up with a step-brother and having a brother that isn’t blood-related. Having to remember that my father isn’t around while there is another man to call dad that my mom married. I know how all that feels and this isn’t about you being replaced, but having a larger family now.”

I reached out to hold his hand and I shook my head, “But she can’t have a brother who is sick and soiled. Elliot, she’s also sleeping in that room… Like, I understand that they let me keep the guest room when I visit, but for her room to be the place that I tried to end my life.”

Elliot moved to sit beside me as he still held on to my hand, “Please, don’t let yourself think that you are what’s wrong.”

“I’m stupid for feeling like this right?”

“No, it’s not that. I don’t want to hear you putting yourself down while believing that your dirty and saying that you’re defective because of your illness. If you think of yourself like this then I’m doing a bad job as your boyfriend and not loving you enough.”

I clutched at his jacket, moving closer to hug him. “No, it’s not like that. I know that with you I don’t ever feel like that, but the thought never stops to come up when I’m with my family and it reminds me of all that happened.”

“Then tell your mind that you need to leave the past behind because your present is trying to show you a new memory and a baby to love.” He tells me.

I thought about his words, “I wouldn’t feel so conflicted if I had stopped going to my dad’s house like I wanted to and let him forget that he has a son. That was the plan after I graduate high school and I should have stuck with it before finding out that he was engaged or that Lily was pregnant.” I continued. “Honestly, to both my parents, I was worthless as a child; that was why my mom left me and dad left me alone as much as he could.”

“Michael, you’ve talked with your mom-”

“Come on Elliot, there was no one when I would come home from school or would care when I came home with bruised,” I said glancing at the door hoping that Mom couldn’t hear. “I don’t want to come off as pathetic-”

“Your not pathetic-”

“Then why didn’t they care about me?” I asked him.