Anders’ shoulders, which were also covered in freckles, tensed up. “N… No,” he struggled to say, “I never feel this way.”

He slipped a few inches away from him and looked at the hourglass again. It had been only five minutes since he entered the sauna, but Tauno’s unrestrained stream of words made him want to run away.

“But just imagine, you write this story, which is totally different and not in any way resembling plagiarism at all, and it’s so good that it becomes famous. So famous that at some point even the cute actress from the original series reads it. And you know what happens after that?”

Anders wanted to slide even further to the side, but the bench was over and the wall made of kelo wood began.

Tauno suddenly grabbed his hand and held it tightly to his sweaty chest. He grinned feverishly. “She will look at me and say, ‘Oh, Tauno, you are such a great writer! From now on, I’ll be the main character in every one of your stories!’ And then we’ll get married, build a house and have two children.”

He let out a laugh that would worry a psychiatrist. The picture in his head was so perfect he could already imagine his crush and him sitting together at the breakfast table every Sunday, eating homemade pancakes with jam and maple syrup.

At that moment, in his eyes, Anders morphed into his beloved, to whom he gave a second cup of coffee.

He reached out to stroke her hair and kiss her, but Anders ducked away awkwardly and crawled past him onto the lower bench.

The sudden effort had made him turn as red as a lobster. He breathed heavily and huddled in the other corner of the sauna.

Tauno sighed melodramatically as the images in his head began to fade. “And do you know what we’re going to name our two children?”

“Wet and hot! Time for the Russian sauna infusion!”

“Yes, that’s it, wet and hot! Wet and hot, huh?”

Ivan had entered the sauna with a bucket and a ladle. Like the other three boys, he only wore a towel around his waist. Without clothes, and in front of the dark wood of the sauna, he looked even paler and more unreal, although the heat immediately revealed red spots on his melanin-deficient albino skin.

Anders’ shoulders relaxed. Ivan’s sudden appearance had interrupted Tauno’s wild imagination. Finally he would be able to enjoy the comforting peace of the sauna again.

Ivan cleared his throat and gave the three boys a nod like a dignified master of ceremonies. “Gentlemen … Thank you for coming in such great numbers today.” He tried to look respectable, but the Russian sauna hat on his head made him look like an imp.

Tauno tried not to laugh.

“Hey, enough from the peanut gallery over there!” He blushed, both embarrassed and angry. “As you know, as a part of the student council, it is my duty to conduct occasional bag searches, so that no student drinks alcohol on school property.” He placed the bucket filled with water on the edge of the sauna heater.

“And as you all know, particularly fine wines are destroyed by me once a month as part of the Russian sauna infusion.”

While Anders and Tauno were having a hard time hiding their excitement, the Hispanic boy in the top row was aloof from his surroundings and began to doze off again.

Ivan laughed heartily. “Early this morning, I did indeed strike a lucky note.” He put his hand on the brim of his felt military hat. “May I present to you … a bottle of sake!”

When he revealed the small bottle from under his hat, the three boys applauded with delight. Ivan took the bottle and shook it once vigorously.

(Excuse me. Can you not do that?)

Immediately a rainbow spread out in the glass. Ivan passed the bottle to the Hispanic boy, shaking him awake.

Tauno was amazed, his jaw slowly dropping. “Japanese peeps are crazy. What kind of weird shit did they put in it?”

Anders shrugged, unimpressed. “A lot of Japanese things are a little flashier and more colorful. Right, John?”

The Hispanic boy nodded and uncorked the bottle. But as he took a deep breath, he had to cough. “Wow, that smells worse than real Mezcal!”

Tauno took the bottle from him. “I don’t know, it kinda smells more metallic to me.”

Anders frowned and took a whiff of it as well. “Spruce tree.”

(Would you perverts please stop smelling me? That’s rude!)

Ivan clicked his tongue and took back the bottle. “Alcohol is alcohol. Even if this one smells a bit earthy. I’m Russian, I can smell alcohol from ten kilometers away!”

To prove it, he took a small sip, but then shuddered and pulled a face. “Wow, that’s disgusting! Quick, pour it into the wooden bucket. Yuck!”

(Are you kidding me? You can’t just drink from me like that!)

At the second he was about to start mixing the contents of the bottle with the water, someone broke through the wooden door.

With a fresh breeze Taro Yamada entered the sauna, fully clothed. He took a deep breath, bowed and shouted:

“Please let me join the Super Club!”

The bottle slipped out of Ivan’s hand.

(Help! Help! I don’t want to die!)

Sizzling viciously, the contents spilled out onto the hot stones. While Ivan was still saying “Oops” and the rainbow-coloured fog spread throughout the sauna, Anders merely shook his head, “Normally you take a shower and enter the sauna naked.”

Tauno nodded unimpressed. “Oh and by the way, it’s not Super Club, but Spa Club. The Spa Club.”

Right on cue, like a planned course of action, everyone in the sauna started gasping and coughing like there was no tomorrow.

***

Bathed in sweat, with undiluted dismay in his eyes, Taro had to watch his father’s precious gift turn into steam. He felt like crying. With tears forming in his eyes, he grabbed the empty bottle and pressed it to his chest. “You bloody barbarians! How dare you!”

(Can you finally stop your personal drama and listen to me? Hello?)

In the meantime Ivan had become red like a lobster and made himself comfortable on the lowest row of the sauna bench. “Huh?” He crossed his arms. “If anyone’s barbaric, it’s you, little pooper.” Sweat dripped from his chin. Behind him, the soaking wet Anders began to shake and sway.

“So you want to join the Spa Club?” John gave him a friendly smile and climbed down from the bench. When he stood next to him, Taro felt a little queasy. John was tall and strongly built, and his eyebrows were even more impressive and thicker than his own.

(Holleri di dudl jö!)

“Y…Yes,” Taro forced himself to say. John patted his head and pointed at the door. “Then I’d say you’d better learn the basic rules of sauna etiquette first.”

Taro tensed up. “Yes! Yes, sir!”

(Ain’t nobody got time for that now!)

“Undress, shower and dry off.” John even chose to open the door for him, but instead he suddenly found himself holding the loose door handle in his hand. The sauna began to creak.

(Out, damn it, everyone, get out!)

The five boys looked around irritated. “Did you just hear that?” Tauno rubbed his chin, pondering intently.

“Do you mean that weird creaking, like the whole cabin’s about to collapse, or the voice inside my head?” Anders went pale-white.

“Don’t tell me I’m the only one who can hear that nagging choleric?” John tilted his head and put a finger in his ear.

(Finally someone’s listening! Get out or you’ll be mush!)

“Mush? What’s mush?” Taro didn’t quite understand.

“Mush. Mashed potatoes. Scrambled eggs.” Ivan pulled the sauna hat deeper into his face. “Get out. GET OUT NOW!”

He ran and jumped against the wooden door. It crashed loudly as it shattered into its components.

Immediately the others rose from the benches, the benches also fell apart.

Taro took to his heels and ran. As fast as his lethargic legs could carry him, he ran through the slippery shower room, out into the spacious club room, and all the way to the door of the log cabin, where he jumped into the open in a full-length dive.

The cold stung him like a thousand pinpricks and he could hardly imagine how the other four, only clad in their towels, must have felt. Snow got caught in his collar and trickled frostily down his neck. He rolled forward and felt Tauno and Anders fall over him. Behind them, the log cabin groaned horribly in its final agony and collapsed.