I'm numb.

Watching as the figures around me slowly blur together as they leave the church, I can't breathe. Hands graze my shoulders as they walk past me; no one really knows what to say to me except "I'm sorry".

I glance up to see the only two people left in the building. Luke and Travis Martin stand together by the closed coffin, Travis holding his brothers shoulder tightly as if he's afraid he'll vanish in an instant.

They both look over at me and carry a small conversation before Travis separates from Luke and makes his way to me. I watch as Luke places one hand on the top of the coffin and bows his head, but unlike me he can fight back the tears.

"Ellie," Travis squats down next to the pew I've fallen into, "It's probably time to go. We can take you home if you'd like."

"He's really gone," I can't look at him, just that haunting wooden box, "He's really dead."

Luke comes over and gently helps his brother to lift my onto my feet. Together they guide me from the church and away from the crowd of people and black limos.

"Hey, Noelle," I look up to see Luke holding open the back door of his brother's Jeep Wrangler, he holds out a hand to help me in.

I gently take his hand in mine and lift myself into the car. I hear the two of them chatter, but my mind can't comprehend what about.

After what feels like three hours, Travis gets into the drivers seat and Luke sits next to me.

"Your mom called," I look up and meet Travis' eyes, "She thinks it'd be best if you weren't home tonight. Your dad's having a real tough time and he's drunk out of his mind. Your mom packed you an overnight bag with all your necessities and comfort items, one of us will go up and grab it for you."

Luke takes my hand and squeezes, "Is there anything we can do to make this easier, Noelle?"

"Turn back time," I give him a blank stare as his face sags in what I can only guess is helplessness.

The brothers glance at each other before we head onto the road. The trip remains silent all the way to my house.

Travis and Luke discuss who should go, as my dad never really liked either of them around his "little girl" and he's now raging drunk. After a light conversation about who can take a hit, they take their chances and send Travis.

"Better not to harm this pretty face," Luke smiles as his brother smacks him in the chest.

"Shit head," he drops out of the car and walks up to the door, knocking and putting his head down.

I watch my mother poke her head out the door, she slips out with a duffel bag and closes the door behind her. I watch Travis and her talk, my mother wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her black blouse. He gently takes the bag from my mother as he also runs his hand over her shoulder. She looks behind her at the door before she heads back inside in tears.

Travis slowly makes his way back to the car, putting the bag in the empty passenger seat.

"Ellie?" He comes and taps my arm, "Are you hungry? We can stop wherever you want."

He stays there waiting for an answer that won't come. What I want he can't give, no one can. He surrenders and takes off down the road again, I know the road we're on I've been on it so many times, but now it's haunted. I hate it and it hurts and I want to jump out of the car and scream at the top of my lungs. All I want to do is scream and cry.

The trees are mostly bare, a few leaves clinging to the branches as winter grows near. I'm scared the ground will be too hard to bury anyone, if it is then we have to wait until spring comes and just go through all the pain again.

I watch us pull up the long gravel driveway to the Martin estate, I watch the large house grow closer. I basically grew up in this house, I still remember being in grade school and running through all the different rooms. Luke and Travis's parents often didn't notice us in the house, they were always so busy or away and us kids would be busy playing hide and seek in the eight bedrooms, kitchen, dinning room, office, living room, and library; it was a kids dream. When high school started, I loved to go sit in the woods behind their house until the boys came looking for me.

Now I just want to disappear into the woods.

Travis parks the car in front of the large brick steps and waits for his brother to start urging me out. Together they take me and my bag inside hurrying to get me out of the cold.

I'm greeted by the warmth of the fireplace and the beautiful designs on the old furniture.

"Noelle," I hear a whisper in my ear, causing me to jump.

"Ellie?" Travis holds my shoulder as my eyes dart around the room, "What's wrong?"

"Maybe we should get her upstairs, give her some time to rest," I hear Luke whisper to his brother behind me.

Travis wraps his arm around my shoulders to guide me up the dark oak staircase. He settles me into a bedroom with it's own bathroom and TV before he hands me my bag and leaves to help his brother prepare dinner.

I stare at my black heels and suddenly feel sick. I can't help it, I start crying and yank the heels off as well as my dress. I throw the soft, black fabric across the room and curl up in the corner in nothing but my bra and underwear. I don't need to look in a mirror to know my mascara is running and the rest of my makeup is probably shot.

I stare at the dress across the room, wanting it to disappear. My mother had picked it up for the funeral, normally I would have loved it with it's long sleeves and flowing bottom but I really just want to throw it in a fire.

After my tears and hiccups stop, I'm able to hobble into the bathroom to wash off this makeup and put on new clothes. My eyes are red and puffy, there will be no way to hide how much I cried. I pull on my softest, warmest sweat pants and an old, stretched, plush, black sweater I've had since I was thirteen. The soft fabrics warm me up and comfort me a little as I sit on the bed in pieces. My mind is going a mile a minute but I'm not processing anything, I feel like I'm stuck in a bubble of white noise.

A light knock on the door jars me from my thought, "Ellie?" Travis steps in, now in jeans and a t-shirt instead of his suit, "Dinner is downstairs, you ready to come eat?"

I couldn't care less about food, but I know I need to eat something since I was too upset to eat before the funeral. Slipping off the bed, I slowly make my way over to Travis who escorts me down to the dinning room.

The table is large, large enough to seat ten, but only three plates were set. Luke comes in with a few nice glasses and soda, his eyes soften at the sight of me.

"Hey you," he smiles and puts the glasses down to pull me into a hug, "I think Travis loves you, he made you chicken parmesan, and you know he isn't the biggest chicken fan."

I fake a smile to appease him as he helps me into a seat at the head of the table. They both take a seat at either side of me and wait for me to touch my food.

"Thanks for letting me stay tonight, you didn't have to cook dinner though," I look at them and cringe at how nasally my voice sounds.

"Really it's no big deal, anything to help. We're here for you," he reaches his hand out to comfort me.

I stare at my food, Travis is an amazing cook and the chicken and salad look amazing but I just can't stand the thought of food. Forcing myself, I take a few bites and watch them relax and start eating their food. I don't taste anything.

"Maybe we could watch a movie later, we could dig through the DVDs and watch whatever you want," Luke smiles as he talks.

"Maybe. I'm tired." I poke my chicken with my fork.

"Well if you want we can do something tomorrow and let you turn in early tonight," Travis shovels some of his food into his mouth and tries to keep conversation going, "Maybe we can go to the lake when it freezes over if it's thick enough we can go ahead and go skating."

I feel my mouth form into a sneer, I'm sick of them being so dotting to me. I'm sick of them trying to get me active and involved, they've been doing it for a week.

"Can you guys please just shut up?" I keep my voice low.

They both look stunned and concerned, "Ellie, we're just trying to help. We love you and we just want to be here for you. No one has seen you all week until today, you can't stay in bed all the time, you need to eat, you need to be involved."

"If you think putting me in ice skates on a frozen lake is going to help, then you're full of shit, but whatever that's your choice."

They both look at me before giving each other concerned looks. Luke puts his fork down and comes sit on the floor next to me.

"Listen to me, Noelle," he takes my hand, "I know it's hard right now, I know it hurts. Trust me when I tell you this kills us too. You aren't alone in this, you know that, you have us and I can think of someone who definitely wouldn't want you to go through this alone."

I look over at him, no longer numb, instead fuming mad.

"No!" I shake my head furiously, "No, don't you dare use him against me!"

"Noelle, please," Travis stands up.

I shoot up from my chair, causing both of them to step back, "No! Don't you dare use Jasper against me! Don't you dare! Jasper is dead! My brother is dead! Don't you dare use him against me!"

I pull away from the table and take off up the stairs. My rage makes me shake, slamming the door behind me I start crying again.

I finally said it. I haven't said it once, not once since I saw his car upside down on the road.

Jasper, my big brother and best friend, is dead.

And it's my fault.