I sighed, a little confused on how it even started, and was glad to drop the topic. “I’m going to change the subject. Our anniversary is coming up and I was thinking about asking Elliot if he wants to go on a trip together during the summer… He would say yes, but he’s been so busy lately that I’m not sure if that is a good idea.” “You went out of town with him before, right?” Brian asked. “Yeah, but with my mom and we slept in separate beds. It’ll be my first trip going somewhere alone with him and we were supposed to do it last year after my graduation, but he was too busy working and he’s busy looking for an apartment. Would that be too much to ask him?” I explained, feeling a little shy about my idea. “Well, ask him and I’m sure he’ll make time for you. There’s no shame to want to spend private time with your boyfriend,” Luis commented. “I did that with a girl I went out with, but it was for a whole weekend get-away and she enjoyed it,” Fernando said. “Just doing what you want and having fun in an unknown city.” “I bet you wasted your time drinking and messing around with her,” Brian commented, taking a sip from his drink. “Duh,” He answered. I rolled my eyes and continued on, “That wasn’t my ideal plan so don’t think that I’ll be doing the same thing.”

Luis pressed his lips together and tapped on the table before turning to me, “I know it's private to be asking, but have you guys done it?”

I can see all three of them looking at me, waiting for my answer. “Not really… We’ve tried, but I just can’t do it and he doesn’t pressure me about it. After what happened between Chris and I, sex is not as appealing to me and he knows that. Sometimes I worry that it’ll frustrate him and he would want to end our relationship because I don’t want to be intimate but I know that is just in my head.” I tell them, hoping that my face isn’t red. “I’ve brought it up a few times before and he would always reassure me that he wouldn’t end our relationship for that reason.”

Luis shook his head, “I doubt that Elliot would do that as well.”

I turned to Fernando, “Would you break up with a girl if she doesn’t want to have sex?”

“You're asking the guy who just said that he’s not thinking about marriage so of course, he would,” Brian said, laughing.

“Hey, I’m not some dirty dog that just meets girls for sex,” Fernando said, reaching over to smack Brian on the arm. 

“You make it seem like it,” Luis mumbled.

“Shut it. Don’t just put me on the spot like that, but I guess I would. I mean, if I’m not looking for a serious relationship then sex is just something that we would most want from each other.” Fernando said, sitting back and did a side glare at Brian who was still chuckling. 

“But Fernando is not like Elliot… No, he’s the opposite of Elliot. Don’t take his words into consideration.” Luis tells me, shaking his head. 

“Hey, stop making me sound like I don’t have value.” Fernando retorts.

I smiled for a second before it fades away, “I was just asking because I brought this up before when we started dating and he obviously showed that he didn’t want our relationship to be reflected on it, but we've been together for two years. Wouldn’t he be expecting something more from me?”

They didn’t answer me for a second when Luis shook his head, “I really doubt that Elliot would be expecting things like that from you… I mean, your relationship with him has been very healthy. Healthier than I’ve seen with straight couples and I can say that compared to how my relationship with Jennifer is going.”

“I agree. You shouldn’t compare yourself to Fernando and Luis or even myself.” Brian said, looking over at me. “See how things go in your relationship at its own pace. I actually haven’t come across a girl to be in a serious relationship that you have and I’m a bit jealous.” 

I stared at him, unsure if I believed him, but Brian hasn’t given me a reason to think that he’ll lie to me. “I don’t think you have to be. Yes, we’ve had good communications and there are times where I feel like he understands me better than my own family, but it’s a lot of work we put into it. There are moments where I feel like that I won’t be enough and other thoughts that I’m sure it’s my depression trying to make me view things that way.”

“I think that is something you both will have to see later on if there’s ever a conflict in your relationship. It’s not something to worry about,” Luis said before giving me a curious expression. “Michael, how long are you doing therapy?”

“I’m not sure. I’m still under my mom’s work insurance to cover for my sessions, but at the moment I’m not comfortable stopping even if I feel like I’ve gotten better than I was before.” I tell him; it wasn’t uncommon for Luis to ask about my therapy. “Besides, I’ve been going for almost two years and I feel like that would have been too little time for me to just quit.”

“I think you have a good point and therapy really brought you out of your shell,” Brian said, checking his phone. “Hey, I’m going to leave in a couple of minutes.”

“Where are you off to?” Fernando asked.

“I have a date,” He answered.

“Who's the girl?” Luis asked, raising an eyebrow. “Do we know her?”

He shook his head, “No, it’s some girl I met through a friend.”

“Are you going on a blind date?” I asked him.

“I guess you can call it that. I barely know anything about her, except what my friends told me.” He said, standing up and reached for his jacket. “I’ll see you guys next time and let’s go somewhere nice instead of sitting around drinking.”

“We drink and Michael doesn’t.” Fernando corrected before shrugging his shoulders. “But I guess meeting at a restaurant sounds good.”

“Alright. Bye,” Brian waved as he left through the drive-away.

“I guess we should be leaving soon as well,” Luis said, setting his can on the table.

We end our day there; Luis dropped me off at my house and I finished my homework before going to bed. I felt embarrassed discussing my relationship and maybe it wasn’t something for them to know, but it gave me comfort knowing that they can give me some advice. I have no one else besides them to talk about relationship advice, but it left me questions that I don’t think they can understand and I know that at some point I should approach Elliot with these problems. I laid in my room, distracted with my thoughts, and they might not even understand how it is with a partner of the same sex. Well, I never really met anyone else who is gay and it's not like I can discuss with my mom. I don't know anyone to talk about this with and who can have a real understanding.

I reached for my phone sending a message to Elliot wondering if he was available to talk before the night ends and it didn’t take so long to hear my phone ring.

“Hey,” I answered. “Are you home?”

“Kind of. I had to stop by the market before making my way back,” He replies. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah. Everyone is mad that you weren’t there.” I teased. “We agreed that we’re going out to dinner next time and you're paying for us.”

“Really? That doesn’t sound fair.” He responded. “The only person I would pay for is you.”

I smiled hearing his answer and laid down pulling the covers over myself trying to get comfortable, “Elliot.”

“Yes?”

“Can we just go away for a while?” I asked him. “Just leave town.”

“And where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere.”

“Alaska?”

I smiled, “Sure.”

“How about England? We did agree to travel the world.”

“That’s fine too.”

“Japan? Have you brushed up on your Japanese?”

I laughed, “I can say just basic words, but I won’t be able to hold a conversation or ask directions.”

“Maybe we should learn french,” He suggested.

“For fun or are you suggesting we go to France?”

“Both? Didn’t you say that you wouldn’t mind learning a new language?” He asked me. “And we both know you will never know Japanese.”

I put him on speaker as I plugged in the charger and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t mind learning, but I think I rather learn during the summer when there is more free time for us to learn.”

“Si quieres podemos aprender español,” He asks me.

I turned to my phone, surprised. “Have you been practicing Spanish?”

Elliot laughed, “I’ve learned a few words.”

“No, that was a sentence. How can you hide that from me and suggest other languages?” I asked him.

“I learned a few things at work since a lot of the workers only speak Spanish and it’s a restaurant so I thought I should pick up what I can learn,” He informs me.

“I forget that you work at a restaurant… Do you really like it there?” I asked him.

“Sometimes. Customers can be rude and don’t know how to order correctly, but they give me the hours I want.” He answered.

“Right,” I mumbled as I lay down again. “But it has been working out for you.”

“Michael, are you still upset?” He asks me.

I opened my mouth, but I closed my eyes letting out a sigh, “I wasn’t that upset.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I guess talking about my problems just rattled me up a bit. I just feel a little embarrassed that I don’t have a major picked out and that it would reflect like this. You have what you want...” I tell him.

“And you're feeling unsure about yourself.”

“Yes.”

“You probably never found something to focus on before. You had volleyball but it was just something for you to learn and have fun with.”

“Volleyball was your thing and it was just something easy for you to teach me,” I responded as I sat up and leaned back against the headboard. “I just happened to have fun with it.”

“No, it doesn’t have to be ‘my thing’ if you enjoyed it. Just because I liked something doesn’t mean you can’t like it either.” He retorts before letting out a sigh. “Were you afraid to learn something because someone else finds it odd or they’re doing it that you feel like you can’t?”

“No,” I answered. “I haven’t tried anything that I find fascinating which is bothering me and I tend to overthink it.”

“And you want to go away so you won’t have to deal with it…”

I didn’t say anything as I picked on the fabric of my blanket, “Maybe. Why does that sound so wrong? I’m not trying to hide from everything.”

“I’m not saying you are-”

“But I’m being childish about my situation?”

“No, I never said that either. Let me talk. I think it was nice that you took advantage of learning more about sport since you thought you weren’t good at it and you learned more from it.” He said in a calm tone. “It could be odd to suggest this, but maybe try something that you think you're not good at and see how that goes for you. You were always scared to do new things and college is the same thing. It’s having to try new things to see how much you’ll enjoy it.”

“You think that would work?” I asked, reaching for my phone and checked the time.

“I’m not sure but it doesn’t hurt to try it that way,” He said with a small yawn. 

I pressed my lips together as I wondered about this for a second, “I’ll keep that in mind… You should go to sleep.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Alright. Goodnight.” 

-

“Mom, you don’t have to take me today,” I said, grabbing my backpack from the couch. “I’m going to take the bus.”

“But that is a very long ride.” She said, watching me. “I can just take you in my car.”

“You're already running late to work, and I’m not in a rush. Besides, I’m going to the library first before my class.” I said, checking my wallet for change then took a deep breath turning to her. “Dr. Brown always said that I need to get adjusted to doing things myself, and I’m trying to do that. I haven’t been on the bus this whole month and I need to get back to doing that again.”

“I know.” She said, reaching out to hug me. “I forget that you're not a little kid anymore.”

“Mom,” I hugged her back. “I’m doing a lot better now, so you should be more at ease.”

She lets me go, trying to give me a supporting smile. “Alright. Just text me if you need me to pick you up later. Your last class ends at six, right?”

I nod, making my way to the front door. “I’ll let you know once I’m out.”

“Be careful crossing the streets.”

“Bye, Mom,” I said, closing the door behind me.

I headed down the block, taking the small park as my fast route, and it was already a path that I was used to; there is also a bus I took during my first semester. I was lucky to find a bus that goes straight to the campus and, hopefully, I can find a comfortable seat during the ride. I stood for a while at the bus stop, kicking a small stone, and I tried to take a deep breath trying to control my anxiety. I’ve learned to use my breathing exercises whenever I go out alone for an extended period of time and the first time I had to practice was during my senior year of high school when I went on a class trip. Luckily I had my friends with me to help, but I still had an anxiety attack a few hours into the tour and I felt embarrassed about everything that I had to leave right away once I got back to school.

The bus arrived, I tried finding a place to sit since it’s a bit of a long ride to campus and I don’t want to be huddled if there is a crowd. Seeing all the seats taken in the front, I make my way towards the back hoping to find an empty seat but it seems that I’ll be standing for a while; hopefully, someone gets off and I can take their seat. I tried to be careful with the people walking by not wanting to be in the way and I was also trying to make sure that no one was touching me. I noticed that I was holding my breath trying not to feel so anxious as people kept getting on and I was pushed towards the back of the bus and I felt this tightness in my throat; the anxiety to me felt like the longer I was standing around the crowd the more trapped I am from getting off. When I finally arrived at the campus that’s when a large crowd got off and I followed behind trying to catch my breath while hoping that people weren’t watching me have an anxiety attack.

I stepped to the side trying to hide while trying to take deep breaths and hoped that I wouldn’t spend my day dealing with this uneasy feeling when I haven’t started my day. I stood by the student's parking lot for some time when a motorcycle passed by me quickly and I saw a queue that I should try to continue on hoping that it’ll subside. I crossed the street making my way to the library and when I came across a vending machine I took a pause to buy myself a bottle of water. I took a sip as I’m leaning against the wall and I can still feel my hands a little shaky out of nerves. I was trying not to feel annoyed at myself because I haven’t calmed down yet and there is no way I can enter the library in this state or it’ll continue to grow.

My thoughts were wondering if the library is crowded and how would I be comfortable sitting around in a room filled with strangers watching me have an anxiety attack. No, this is going to give me a panic feeling if I think more about it and I can’t deal with that either. I felt myself breathing through my house, my lips were pressed together as if trying to call it all in and this wasn’t working either. Damn, maybe I shouldn’t have taken the bus.

“Hey, you're okay?”