DANGEROUS ELYSIUM

PART THIRTEEN

OLIVER

'I felt hollow. My heart had spilled out hitting the floor with a squelch. I looked at my heart by my feet. But all I could do was stare, I didn't try to put it back in my hollow chest. Yet as I stood there staring at the floor I heard footsteps, still I didn't look up. I knew who it was and he bent down and picked up my heart, my eyes followed his hands as he stood straight and looked straight through me. "This belongs to you," he said. I didn't reply with words I just nodded, then he held his hand out, offering me my heart. "You should take this back," His words seemed soft, but the look in his eyes said differently. "No one wants it, Oliver. It's disgusting."

"No...no it's…."

"It's nasty. Why would anyone want it?"

"I thought you did….you said you love me."

He leaned in closer, a smile crept up on his face. "I've never wanted it. Ever. Take it or throw it away."

I held out my hand and he plopped the organ into my hand. Blood seeped through my fingers and tears rolled over my cheeks. "I'll...I'll just throw it away, then."

"Best thing really. There's no point in keeping a heart no one wants. You might as well just die Oliver, do everyone a favor and disappear." I sniffed as more tears rolled over my cheeks and suddenly he wasn't there anymore. I was alone again, sinking into myself and watched my heart turn to dust.'

Then I was suddenly yanked out of my dream, the return to reality so jarring it was physically painful and I clutched my chest. Sweat was dripping off me and I was also shivering. I must have kicked the covers off at some point during the night. So I scrambled off the bed and grabbed my quilt and threw it back over the bed. I looked at the mess and started sobbing. What an awful dream. It felt so real. The look on Sharna's face was all too real too. It's a look I've seen before and I hated it. I hated that my mind deceived me and my heart too. I hated feeling so lost and….broken. My heart is broken and fragile. It's strange how fragile hearts are. They hold the weight of the world, but just one wrong move and they shatter so easily. Like glass and once a heart is broken, you can never put it back together. You can try, but it will never be the same. It will never beat the same, it may never find the joy it once did. Not for me anyway because once upon a time my heart smiled and would pound like crazy, until it just didn't smile anymore and the beating felt like it had stopped, yet I was still alive. Still walking around, but in an almost zombified state. I was awake, but I just wasn't alive anymore. Not only did Sharna haunt me in my waking hours, but haunted me in my dreams too. How ironic.

"Oliver," I held my breath when I heard uncle Curtis on the other side of my door. "Are you okay son? I heard a loud bang."

"I'm fine uncle Curtis. I'll be down shortly."

"Okay son, I've made pancakes. Come and eat them while they're still warm."

"I will, just give me a minute."

"Alright."

I closed my eyes briefly then got up and I dropped down onto the bed and told myself I needed to get my ass back on track. I was here to forget and start anew. It would be a good life here. Peaceful. Easy. I needed that. I didn't need to worry here, I had no one to be afraid of here. I had support from uncle Curtis and hopefully a new budding friendship with Ethan. I wrapped my arms around my upper body then grabbed for the t-shirt and sweatpants I'd left out and hurried myself then quickly made my way out of my room and downstairs. I could smell the fresh pancakes and coffee as I walked through into the kitchen. Uncle Curtis was reading a morning newspaper. "Morning." I mumbled.

"Why don't you have a seat, son? Grab yourself a mug. There's enough coffee." He motioned to the pot sitting in the middle of the table. "You alright?" Uncle Curtis asked. There were a million other questions behind that one, but I knew he wouldn’t ask them. At least not yet.

"I'm fine. Just had a bad dream is all. Sorry if I worried you," I said. "Probably need better sleep." I added. I didn't want him to think for a second that leaving was because I hurt in any kind of way, at least not physically. And I wasn't in any position emotionally to admit the parts that had hurt.

"Of course I worry. You don't seem like yourself," I opened my mouth to say something, but uncle Curtis made a cutting motion and I closed my mouth. "Look son, I know you told me about living in the city was lonely, but I'm not stupid. There's more to it."

"I…." I couldn't lie anymore than I already had. He needed to know, even if I didn't want to hear it. "....I had trouble. A lot of trouble and I got really hurt because of it. Really hurt. It still hurts. Deep inside me, cutting me to pieces."

I stopped to stare at my uncle, trying to read his face. "Does it have anything to do with that boy?" He was referring to Sharna. He knew a little about our argument as kids and the end of the friendship, but nothing more. I refused to ever talk about it.

"Yeah. Too much has happened. So much I cannot come back from. I had to leave, I couldn't stay any longer."

"Okay. We'll leave it at that. Eat some food and come out and help your poor uncle sort some stuff out on the ranch. Are you any good at fixing things up?"

"You know I'm terrible at anything that doesn't require knowledge."

"Well it's just hammering some nails into wood, you can do that much son." Uncle Curtis chuckled and went back to his morning paper.

"Thank you for not asking anymore."

"I'm sure you'll tell me everything in your own time. Just enjoy what's here now. Get your head into some work, it always works for me."

"I can do that….well I'll try."

"Ethan will be here soon for Max. Maybe you can give him a hand too."

I could sense what my uncle was up to. Pushing me towards Ethan. It was only my uncle out of my family who knew I was gay. And I hoped that my mom up in heaven didn't hate that I was either. "It was nice seeing Ethan yesterday."

"He thought so too."

"He told you that?"

"Yes. He looked….happy. Considering what's happened to him over the last few months. Seeing you made his night. He didn't need to tell me, although he did."

"Well, it was nice."

"Good," Then he folded his paper, placing it on the table and slapped his hands down on his thighs. "Right son, I'm going to get ready. Eat up and then join me out back."

"Alright." My uncle nodded and left me to it. I wasn't feeling very hungry, but I also knew I'd have a lot of work to do today and I need the energy. I also need to get my head into this life, even if that means working my fingers to the bone. A distraction. Working was a distraction to my heavy thoughts. So I grabbed a couple of pancakes and rushed them into my mouth, swallowing them before I could fully chew them. Then grabbed a mug of coffee and washed the lumps down.

"Right Oliver, you got this." I whispered to myself and left the kitchen.

There were a few ranch hands milling about the pastures and paddocks outside the barn I was walking towards. I didn't know my uncle had this many people working for him. I never really noticed much to be fair. When I came here for breaks I was always in my own world. "Morning." One of the guys said around a bright smile.

"Morning," I nodded too. "Is my uncle in the barn?"

"He sure is."

I nodded again and left the guy to do whatever it was he was doing to go find my uncle. When I entered the barn, I was greeted with neighs from the horses until I noticed uncle Curtis. "Hey," I said. "So, what am I doing?"

"Here son, take this," He handed me a brush. "Max's coat needs brushing, ready for when Ethan comes."

"I can do that." I said, taking it from him and proceeded with brushing his black as midnight coat. He'd grown a lot since I last came. Max was my uncle's pride and joy, a real stallion with very expensive breeding.

"You carry on with that, I'll call you when I need you to start with some renovations on the foreman’s house. It's falling apart from the seams." He laughed a little as he walked out, leaving me alone.

I huffed out a small laugh, then stroked my hand over Max's coat. It was soft, warm. He was calm as I touched him. I guess I really can see the appeal when it came down to horses. They were calm and beautiful creatures. Strong and reliable. "Your beautiful Max," I whispered. Then started on his coat again. "So lucky too. You're really loved ...."

"He is…" I snapped my head around at the sound of Ethan's voice. He was standing in the back entrance to the barn. "Did I scare you?"

"Nope. No way…."

"You looked like you were going to run just then."

"Well I'm not. Anyway, I didn't think you'd be here yet."

"Hey, handsome," Ethan said and ran his hands over Max's fuzzy body. "You know, I speak nonsense to him more so he could get used to the sound of my voice than anything else. With a horse of this size you don't want to be kicked or even knocked over by him."

"Sure. I guess that would hurt a lot."

Ethan chuckled. "It would definitely break some bones.

"Yeah, no one wants broken bones."

"Of course not, but I think it would be more embarrassing that you got the broken bones from a horse."

"I guess so," It's funny to note. I hadn't had any trouble recognizing Ethan last night. Well, except the voice. For some reason, that had seemed really different. Much more deep and vibrant than when I'd seen him way back before. And yes, he was bigger now, more filled out, and his hair was shaved around the sides and longer on top, not a buzz cut like it'd been when I first met him. But it was his eyes that I'd recognized first. He’d always had the most uniquely colored eyes I'd ever seen. He'd always referred to them as being silver bluish, not that we’d had a lot of conversations about them. It probably said a lot about me that, even as a youngster, I’d noticed things like that about someone of my own sex and that I'd gotten close enough to him to even see such fine details. He'd always been a guy’s guy, not a weak geek like me. "So you're here to collect Max?"

"Yep. You wanna come with me to my father's ranch?"

"Oh...erm, right. Well I would but uncle Curtis asked me to help with the foreman's house."

"You really want to lug wood about the place?"

No. Of course I didn't want to, it was a distraction, that's all. "I need to do something…." Then I stopped my mouth.

Ethan looked at me with an intense curiosity. "Well, it's up to you. I don't mind." I thought about for a second, maybe Ethan could be my distraction. Instead.