"Diane?" Dad popped into my room later that morning. I was just chilling out in my bed, trying to decide if what I had said earlier was a good choice. “I made pancakes for breakfast. Want some?”

“Yea, I suppose.” I sighed. It was hard to say yes to that, but I knew I was going to have to eat anyway. And to be honest, after the night I just went through, I didn’t really feel like restricting like normal. I was too tired to do that.

“Alrighty.” Dad said. “I’ll bring you some in a bit.”

I kept my head down. I secretly felt awful for not being able to go to the table like a normal person, and enjoying time with the family. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had sat at the table with the whole family and enjoyed a meal. I missed it deeply.

“Sweetie? You ok?” Dad asked. He must’ve caught onto my mood.

“Um… Is it possible I could actually, well, eat with you guys? At the table?” I asked quietly. I felt like an idiot asking for such a thing.

I could hear Dad sigh. “If you do, can you stay downstairs for the day? I don’t want you going up and down the stairs.”

“Yea.” I replied. “I can do that. Maybe Bella and I could watch some TV together.”

“I’m sure she’d love that.” Dad smiled. He came over to me, and sat down next to me. He didn’t want me doing the same thing I did last time, so he decided to have me climb on his back, and he’d carry me downstairs. It made me feel like such a weakling, but whatever. I did as I was told, and he brought me downstairs. He let me walk the rest of the way once we were on the main floor, with his help of course.

Bella and Jack were in the kitchen waiting for the pancakes to be done. When they saw me, they looked surprised. Bella immediately pulled out a chair for me to sit on, and got me some water.

“Morning!” Jack said with a smile. “And what brings the blanket queen to the table today?”

I snorted. He liked to call me the blanket queen now because I almost always had myself wrapped up in a blanket. This time was no different. I had a blanket Bella and I had made when we were younger wrapped around me.

“May I interest thy in some pancakes?” Jack said with some sort of an accent that had the royalty feel to it. “They’re specially made by none other than Dad himself, and come with the golden syrup and the ever so nutritious butter.”

Everyone laughed at Jack. He was just making a fool of himself like usual. Funnily enough, he was good at it. He spent a lot of time in drama club, so he only got more dramatic by the day.

“Why yes, good sir.” I replied in a british accent. “The blanket queen desires a pancake, and thou shall give it to me.”

Jack almost fell over. “Since when does the blanket queen desire pancakes? I was not informed of this news! Word no longer gets around as fast as usual, if I do say so myself.”

I giggled. This was by far the best time I had had in awhile. “Oh sir Jack. Didn’t you hear from the early sobbing on this quiet May morning? The blanket queen has had a change of mind.”

“Oh?” Jack remained in character, despite looking a bit surprised to hear this. Bella gave me my water and sat down next to me to hear the so-called news. I could see Dad smiling whilst he poured some pancake batter into the pan.

“The blanket queens poor eating habits are no more.” I said with a slight accent. The nervousness got to me, and I quieted down a bit too. I knew once I said anything about recovering, I’d have to keep to my word.

“You’re recovering?” Bella asked me. “For real this time?”

Nervously I nodded. There was an awkward silence before Jack started cheering “all hail the blanket queen”, and Bella pulled me into a hug. They were both so happy I had decided to change things for the apparent better. I still wasn’t too sure how I felt though.

“I’m so proud of you for deciding this!” Bella smiled after finally letting me go from her tight hug. The girl had some serious strength. I didn’t have anything to say, so I just smiled.

“Alrighty! There’s a pancake for everyone!” Dad smiled as he slid over a pancake for everyone. He had cooked those surprisingly fast. “If anyone wants a second one, just let me know. There’s plenty of batter left for more.”

Everyone was happy to have breakfast finally, and went to grab the maple syrup and butter for their pancakes. Everyone, that was, but me. I just stared at mine. My anxiety had skyrocketed, and I immediately started questioning why I had even asked to be there. Suddenly, Bella pushed the maple syrup my way.

“You should put a bit of maple syrup.” Bella said. “Even just a little bit.”

“Uh… Sure, I guess.” I took it, and dribbled a bit of the syrup on the side of my plate. My hands were ridiculously shaky doing this, and I almost dropped the bottle. Now I just had to actually eat it.

No you don’t. You don’t have to eat any of it.

Diana was winning this fight. I tried telling her to just fuck off, but she just got meaner.

Don’t you dare tell me to fuck off. You don’t deserve that pancake. You don’t deserve any food. You know what you deserve? To starve.

“Diane?” Bella snapped me out of it. “You ok?”

I shook my head. I was trying so hard not to cry. My anxiety was way too high, and I couldn’t take it. “I-I can’t do it…”

“Yes you can!” Bella and Jack said in unison. Dad nodded to show he agreed. I looked back down at my plate, and shakily took hold of my fork. I tore off a small piece off the corner and prepared myself for Diana’s screaming. I kept telling myself to just do it, and it’d be fine. I told myself that until I finally put it in my mouth and ate it.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Please, just go away! Just this once! I can’t restrict constantly!

If you eat that, you have to do at LEAST an hour of exercise. You hear me??

I can’t! Have you seen the state I’m in? I can barely walk!

And do I look like I care?

What if I don’t eat lunch? Does that make up for it?

Hm. I suppose. No lunch, and a small dinner.

Alright. Deal.

Good. And don’t you dare go against it you pig.

I did my best to ignore her, and to keep to my word of recovery, I went for a second piece of the pancake. My family was super supportive, and talked me through every bit of the way. I had majorly surprised myself when I had actually finished breakfast. I didn’t think I was capable of doing that, but I did! Unfortunately, being proud of myself had to wait. I just wanted to lay down. Eating made my stomach hurt like hell, and caused some serious acid reflux. Dad was happy to help me over to the couch, so I could lay down.

Purge! Get rid of it!! It's all going to go straight to your thighs, and you know it!

I didn't want to purge. I was too tired. I didn't understand why food made me feel so tired! I thought it was supposed to give me energy! But instead it was making me so tired that I basically fell asleep within minutes, and was out cold for the rest of the morning.

--

Lunch came along, and Dad didn’t even give me a choice for lunch. He had gone out earlier for groceries and had gotten me one of my old favourites. Instant ramen. I know that’s something that most people can get anyday, but I had denied myself any sort of junk like that ever since it all started. I missed it, but didn’t ever think that I'd be eating it anytime soon. But there I was. With a fresh cup of hot instant noodles on my lap that Dad had given me.

“You holding up ok?” Dad asked. “I can imagine going against your eating disorder is tough, and I just want to make sure you’re not getting overwhelmed.”

“Well, seeing as I didn’t plan on having lunch but yet I’m sitting here with noodles, uh, I could be better.” I admitted.

“You deserve to eat lunch.” Dad said. “I don’t see why you wouldn’t be allowed to eat it.”

Quietly, I played around with the noodles with my fork. They looked and smelled amazing, but were also super calorific. I would’ve checked the label on the cup, and done the math to make it fit in my limit, but Dad had scratched the nutrition label out with a sharpie. He was one step ahead of me.

I said NO LUNCH. Don’t even touch it!

Slowly, I handed the cup of noodles over to Dad. He refused to take it, and gave me a concerned look. Realizing he wouldn’t take it, I sighed and put the noodles back on my lap. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started crying.

“Oh Diane… What’s wrong?” Dad pulled me into a hug and ran his fingers through my hair.

“I can’t do this!” I cried. “Every meal is an even harder challenge and I can’t take the stress of it! I’m so scared of gaining weight, and losing control and-”

“Calm down.” Dad interrupted. “First off, you can do it. If you work hard at it, it’ll slowly get easier the more you fight the disorder. As for weight gain, it’s for your health. Don’t you want to be able to get around on your own, and get out to do new things?”

“I suppose…” I sobbed. There was a small moment of silence before I asked, “...Did Sheryl call about treatment yet?”

“She did.” Dad replied. “I was going to tell you after lunch, but I’m guessing you want to know what's going on right now?”

I nodded.

“She got you a place in the outpatient program. So you’ll be at the hospital for most of the day, but will be home for the rest of the day. She tried to get into inpatient, but there’s no open beds right now, so you’re on a waiting list. Once you get the spot, you’re going to be spending some time there.”

“When am I going?” I asked quietly.

“Next Monday.” Dad said. That was a little over a week away. I was speechless, and just continued crying in Dad’s shoulder. It was officially happening, and I was terrified. Diana was screaming in my ears, making it hard to hear anything else Dad said. It took me almost an hour to calm down.. By then the noodles I had had completely cooled down, and I thought I wouldn’t have to eat them because of that, but I was wrong. Dad reheated them, and sat with me until I ate at least half of them. Cue another meltdown.

I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping on the couch. Sleep was my escape from the world. I didn’t have to face any big decisions in my dreams. Unfortunately, Dad wasn’t about to let me sleep for the rest of the day.

“Diane! Oi!” Jack was gently shaking me awake. I tried to tell him to let me sleep, but Jack said I had to get up and go get dinner. Geez. Why couldn’t I just wait until later? I wasn’t hungry anyways. Despite that, Jack woke me up, and helped me up and over to the table. I could see that Dad had made steamed veggies and chicken. He had already prepared my plate, and slid it over to me once I got to the table.

“Hopefully that’s an ok amount for you.” Dad said. “If you need anything, let me know.”

Bella was already at the table eating, but I felt that I had to wait for everyone else to get to the table too. Once everyone sat down, I slowly ate the vegetables. They were safe. Chicken was also pretty safe, so really, dinner wasn’t too bad. It definitely went better than the previous meals did.

Later, I was once again on the couch. I was about to go for another nap, but Bella and Jack stopped me.

“You up for a movie?” Bella asked me.

“Sure.” I said with a yawn. I went to go sit up to give them space to sit on the couch, but Jack stopped me.

“Diane, chill out.” He said. “There’s plenty of chairs here. Don’t worry about giving us space on the couch.”

The living room had the couch that was in front of the TV, and then two chairs. One next to the couch, and one one the side of the room, right by the window. Normally when we watched movies, it was a fight for the couch since it had the best view of the TV, and then we’d usually end up jamming all three of us on it, plus Robin sometimes.

“Alright, sorry.” I sighed as I laid back and relaxed. We spent a couple minutes deciding which movie to watch before settling on Grease. A good ol’ classic.

Halfway through the movie, Dad joined in. He brought a little bowl of ice cream for everyone, including me. Ugh. He wasn’t pushy about it, and let me decide if I wanted to eat it or not. So I only took a couple bites before setting it down and leaving it alone. I rathered enjoy the movie instead of stressing out.

--