Oh c'mon. You're happy with that? You know, those girls still call you fat. I'd go to 85lbs if I were you.

Once again, the voice had a point. Lucille and her friends were still going at me. Even telling me that I didn't deserve to eat, and if they saw me eating, they would make sure to pick on me. But wouldn't 85lbs be too low of a number? There was no way I could get to that weight!

Nonsense! Just cut your calories to about 900 and you'll be fine.

But 900 calories isn't a lot!

Skip meals. Problem solved.

Robin would notice! She wouldn't be happy!

Well it's your life not hers! She can't control you!

90lbs is acceptable. I could do that. 85, on the other hand is ridiculous. I'm not doing it.

We'll see about that.

Later that morning, I went to get my usual breakfast. But, just as I went to sit down, I had the sudden urge to just not eat it. I stared at the bowl of fruit for minutes. My hands were shaking so badly, and my anxiety was rising. It was like I was scared of it! I wanted to eat, and I knew I had to, but just couldn’t physically manage it!

You are getting to 85lbs. So, no breakfast for you. Or lunch. You can have a snack for 200 cals, and supper for 700. You never know when your father will make some high calorie food, so I want you to be safe making dinner the highest allowance. Total at 900.

It was as if I wasn't in control anymore. Even if I wanted to eat, I couldn't make myself. And everytime I tried, I could only think of my newly chosen goal weight. So, despite wanting to eat, and knowing I should've, I threw my breakfast away. I did grab a quick lunch though, just in case I needed it whilst in school. I had a problem with blood sugars dropping, so I wasn’t about to take the risk.

Unfortunately, later when lunch came, I tried to eat lunch but simply couldn't. It didn’t help that Robin was right next to me, wondering what was going on. Robin watched as I tried to force myself to take a bite of my wrap, but couldn't actually do it. I noticed it was getting harder to eat lately, but it just seemed so sudden that I couldn't seem to anymore. Unless I just progressed this far without even noticing?

"Diane?" Robin interrupted my thoughts. "Are you ok?"

"F-fine. Why?" I stammered.

"You're uh, not eating. You're just tearing it into small pieces."

I didn't even realize I had basically destroyed the wrap I had for lunch by tearing it into small pieces. I sighed and shoved it all back in the bag it came in. I couldn't eat that now. I was going to have to toss it.

"What are you doing?" Robin cried out of surprise. "You can't just throw it away! You gotta eat something!"

I sighed. "I… I can't…"

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I can't make myself do it. I don't know why."

I glanced over at Robin and she had such a worried look on her face, it made me uncomfortable.

"Diane, something's going on." She said with concern. "I'm really worried. Like really worried. First you lose a bunch of weight, and now you can't eat? You're gonna end up dead!"

I didn't have anything to say to her. I was tired from fighting with myself and didn't have any energy left since I hadn't eaten all day. Instead of answering her, I wrapped my arms around my grumbling stomach and put my head on the table. I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn't know what to do.

"Diane?"

I replied with a muffled groan.

"Are you ok? You really don't look good. Which I know is from not eating, but still. You're worrying me."

I turned my head and looked up at her. She really was worried. It showed loud and clear on her face. But her worry only made me feel worse. Before I knew it, I was tearing up and started crying.

"I-I don't know what's wrong with me!" I sobbed. Robin didn't look surprised I was crying and did her best to show she was listening. "I just wanted to be healthy, and now I can't even make myself eat! And I know it's not healthy! But I can't take control of it!!"

Robin sighed. "Maybe it has something to do with your weight? I think it's obvious you're scared of putting on weight."

"I know I am…but right now I want to just maintain where I am at least… but I can't even do that…"

"I don't know what to tell you. I would talk to someone though. I don't think you realize how badly this is hurting you." Robin said quietly. “I never thought I’d say this, but therapy would do you some good.”

I nodded slowly. Logically she had a point, but the voice in my head didn't care. It was determined I got to a lower weight, and it wasn't something I could seem to fight. Talking to someone about my weight loss plans seemed like a bad idea. They would possibly intervene, and I didn't need that.

"Do you think you're gonna make it through the day?" Robin asked. "I would imagine you haven't got much energy."

I groaned. I wanted to go home, but biology and pre calculus were important. I needed to get good marks in those classes.

"I can't… I got biology and pre cal. I need those classes." I muttered.

"Well, this is my opinion but what's the point in showing up if you can't even function? I mean, look at the state you're in." Robin pointed out. “I would call your Dad and go home.”

Once again, she made a good point. I wasn't going to properly take in any information. And I really just wanted to go home. I was exhausted.

“Alright…” I sighed. “I’ll call home. Just don’t tell him about this, ok?”

“I won’t. As long as you promise to eat something when you get home. I don’t care what.”

I nodded. I pulled out my phone, and gave my dad a call. Luckily, he was on break, and was able to come and get me. His workplace was a bit picky on when people could take time off, so I was extremely lucky. Robin waited with me by the office, and eventually Dad came and got me.

“You feeling ok?” He asked as we drove home. “I noticed you seem more tired than usual.”

“Haven’t been sleeping properly.” I lied.

“Ah. Maybe I should get you some melatonin tablets.”

“No, don’t worry. It’s fine.” I sighed.

“If you say so.”

We got home, and Dad dropped me off. He had to go back to work, so he couldn’t stick around.

“Alright, get some rest.” Dad told me after kissing my forehead. “And if you remember, try to eat something. You’re getting a bit bony.”

I nodded. Dad left, and I flopped into bed. Dad’s comment reminded me of what Robin wanted me to do. Before I left she made me promise to eat something. I really didn’t want to get up and get something, but breaking promises went against what I stood for. So with a grunt, I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the kitchen.

I looked through the cupboards and fridge, trying to find something low in calories, and healthy, but nothing was catching my eye. Everything that was catching my eye was junk food. I really really wanted it, but knew it was a bad idea. But yet, I found myself drawn to it. With the hopes of fulfilling my cravings, I grabbed a small handful of gummy worms. However, after eating them, I just craved them more. I found myself going back and forth between the kitchen and my room, each time with a small handful of sweets. After about the sixth time of doing this, I realized what I was doing. I was binging. Oh, no no no no. Not good.

Pig!! This is why you stay away from junk food!!

I freaked out, and started sobbing. I messed up, and didn’t know what to do. I had to get it out of my system. I knew exercise was my better bet, but I just didn’t have the energy, despite eating so much sugar laden crap. So for some reason, I went to the bathroom, and checked my body out to see the damage I had done.

Look at you. You look so fat. Especially after that damn candy.

My own reflection made my eyes sting. I hated my body. It wasn't slim, or built the way I wanted. My hair was a complete mess, and my eyes looked tired. I could tell I was bloated from what I had previously eaten, and it just made me look deformed, and wrong.

Purge. Get rid of the shit you ate.

I changed my view from the mirror to the toilet. Without even thinking about it, I went over to the toilet, knelt down and shoved my fingers down my throat. I didn't care how much the stomach acid stung coming up. All I cared about was how much I hated myself and how I needed to change it.