Cheng's shaky hands were wrapped around the side of my head, his eyes wide opened, looking right into my shallow and detached ones. All that my body and mind could sense and internally shout was how painful it was to stand and be held by him. 

“Chin Mae?” Cheng insisted, patiently waiting for an answer that never arrived. My brain could not register his voice since all I could hear was distant and muffled echoes around me.

His mouth quivered, and the imperceptible move for others was like a slap on the face for me. “Chin Mae, what happened here?” my friend urged warily, looking then at my lips and my bare legs. I didn’t dare to speak a word even because if I did, I was afraid of his reaction, or better, how will I react after saying it. 

Biting his lip, Cheng tried to keep his composure while he dressed me up, adjusting my sweater around my shoulders and hair. Then he hugged me tightly, and all the turmoil that I had in my heart flew out from my eyes. 

His touch was enough to melt and loosen the suffocating knots accumulated in my tensed body, breaking the silence that resonated around us with my soft and contained cry. 

What did the hell happen? Was that a nightmare? Because it was, wasn't it?!

“Hey…” Cheng rubbed my face gently with his sleeve. “Don’t cry. I will sort this all out, okay?” he assured me as he gently moved my head to rest on his shoulder. He then paused, taking out his phone, and those few seconds of hesitancy made his heartbeat increase more than it was already. 

Dialling a number, Cheng spoke concisely and calmly in his mother language, but I could perceive how he hid his concern and irritation deep down his voice. Was that a reaction caused by the person who called him, or from what happened a few minutes ago? 

What stopped me from breaking out contact was how Cheng suddenly caressed my back and mumbled a simple "Let's go home now," as he put away his phone. He then laid one of my arms around his shoulders, but somehow I managed to push him away. “Nobody will know; you are safe”, he insisted, wrapping his hands around my wrists and not forcing me to do anything before he had my consent.

“You can still run away, Cheng. Run before I do something to you as well.” I whispered in a hoarse voice, shaking my head, something was wrong with me, and I wouldn't dare to put him in danger.

But he only smiled and hugged me once again in that shallow road. “I am never going to leave you. We can solve this together.” enchanted by his beauty and his touching words, I let him lead me out of there and head towards his apartment. 

He kept repeating that phrase as it was some kind of mantra, but little hope I had in me that things would have gone well. Maybe he was trying to convince himself first that a simple call and positive affirmations could settle everything.

After approaching Cheng's lobby, we moved toward the stairs as the lift was broken, and I started to feel his hand around one of my wrists as a burden. I was forcing myself to stay with him for the good times we shared, but nothing was about to be that way anymore, and we both knew that. I understood he was afraid that I would leave as soon as he would remove his tight fingers on my skin, and I only hoped that after all this time, he noted that I was only happy to share every time of the day, every single minute with him. 

I knew that I always talked back, be spiteful and distant wherever I could, but I really wished he realised that even if my mouth and my actions kept pushing him away, all I wanted was to staying next to him, talk to him, joke with him and hearing his voice... all the time. I wanted his company like I needed air going through my lungs in order to live. I didn’t exactly know when, but I realized how important Cheng was, and it scared me. 

He would never understand how my presence will lead to his suffering. That’s what I bring whenever someone stays with me anyway, but he simply didn't know that yet, and it was my responsibility to make sure he wouldn't get hurt. I knew deep down that we couldn't stay together. Somehow, I felt it the first day we met that we were destined to walk away from each other. All I could do was to cheer for him from afar; that was my place. Away from people I could hurt, away from sight so that nobody could see me and my monstrosity. 

I instantly stopped on one of the steps. My arm extended as Cheng kept going undeterred, and the distance created was the only thing I dared to look at “Cheng.” I whispered atonically. 

My friend slowly turned to look at me; his gaze hurt like the words I said wounded him deeply. His fingers slid from my wrist to my hand, gently intertwining them together and caressing the back of my hand with his thumb.

"We can talk inside; we are nearly there," Cheng insisted stubbornly, tugging my arm to invite me to keep going. He didn't want to see me go away, not after what happened tonight, and I could quite grasp the reason. 

Maybe it was his way to save other people from someone like me, but he wasn't entitled to do that. I would make sure that I wouldn't hurt anybody if he only removed his warm hand from mine. Or maybe he was really trying to get an understanding of how could something like that happened nowadays. I was now a dangerous attraction that might have aroused his interest.

“I am going away for tonight,” I murmured softly, so softly that I didn’t even think that I have uttered a word. Turning my back to him and heading down the stairs, I tried to untangle my fingers from his, but of course, Cheng didn’t let me go. He pushed me against the wall instead, pressing his hand on the back of my head so that it wouldn’t bang it at the collision with the wall.

“Sorry, I’ve-” he mumbled, confused, trying to think of an excuse to justify his action but failing. “Don’t leave me, okay? Let’s just- Please.” Cheng looked up at me; his body was so warm against mine that it irradiated my skin even through our clothes. 

With his chest pressed on mine and his face so close, I seriously thought for a second that he was going to kiss me. But I laughed at the idea as it was never going to happen, simply because I couldn’t let it happen. How stupid could I be sometimes? I was just a toy that he could use to try out his moves to hook up girls, and now apparently, I was another person to be added to his list of 'laid cute people' of the year. That’s what I was, apart from being his friend. I shouldn’t put my hopes up for anything.

“I need to be alone; can’t you understand that?” I growled, pushing him back, “I- I killed that man, and you think that I can just sit down with you and sleep on it?!” I manage to dodge his hands, but Cheng grabbed my sweater, pulling me towards him while I did the exact opposite. 

It all happened so fast that I didn't even know how we managed to fall from the stairs, and I froze when I realised that his body shielded mine.

“Cheng?” I called him out once the world around us stopped. Facing the ceiling, I couldn't stop worrying about his condition as I was flawlessly resting on his body. Finally, he released his arms around my waist, and I turned to face him. Kneeling on the stairs, I laid my forearm under his neck, nurturing the back of his head as his eyes were still closed.

"Please, Cheng?" I whined with a shaken voice. My free hand brushed his head gently, hoping not to find blood coming out or even minor injuries. Why did he have to shield me? We were also both drunk; what if something serious happened to him? What was I going to do without-

“Please, talk to me!” I pleaded, nearly shouting at his face but containing my voice down as I didn’t want any neighbour to come out and see all this. What if I attack them without realising it? What if-

“Don’t go away from me… I need you, Chin Mae. I really do.” he begged as tears rolled down from the corner of his eyes and slowly opening them.

"I think I have finally found some happiness since I met you, so don't leave," Cheng added soon after, lifting upwards only one side of his lips as I moved some of his fringes off his face. How could he be happy staying by my side when all I did was actually nothing? He looked after me every single time, so how...? 

"Your other friends make you happy all the time while I make you cry... just like now; so how can you say that?" I questioned him, not even bothering for an answer; I knew I was right."I always make things worse," 

Cheng slowly leaned on my chest with his palms, pushing my back against the stairs' metal spindle next to me. I sat down quietly, dazed and confused when he touched my thighs delicately, stretching them wide open so that he could position his body between them. 

“You are so important to me, Chin Mae... I don't know what else I have to do to prove you what I feel... ” his voice was soft and caring, but deep down, he was shaking. 

He briefly breathed in; his heart was beating furiously against his chest as he gradually leaned over my face like he wanted to capture every second and every reaction before the real action took place. Cheng caressed my lips with a finger and half-closed his eyes as he got way too close, and I was surprised how he was still lost in his world when a monster like me was destroying the one we were currently living.

"Are you doing this now?" I questioned bitterly, placing a hand over his mouth. It took me a lot to get myself together and not indulge in his warm, soft and damp lips that were captured by my hand instead.

"How can you even think that after I've kissed a random guy, kissed Brian and sucked him dry, I would want you getting this close? And why would I even want to kiss you?!" A door suddenly slammed, making the sound echoing in the whole flight of stairs. Cheng gulped down hardly, lowering his gaze. I guess his conscience finally got back already.

"Why not me?" Cheng grabbed the hand covering his mouth and asked, hurt, waiting for me to answer. Instead, I sighed deeply, realising that I couldn't expect him to act like his usual self when he was that drunk; he wouldn't even try to do any of that in the first place if he wasn't.

I grasped one of his shoulders, making him wince. “Cheng, could you stop teasing me? I don't want to ruin what we have; I don't want to be one of your many one-night stands."

“I don't want you to be one-" he yelled angrily and disappointed but stopping mid-sentence. He grumbled, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand for a brief moment.

"Nevermind. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." Cheng concluded emotionless, resting his hands on his thighs, "It wasn't the right time to do such a thing; I'm sorry, I don't know what got me to think it was." I smirked a bit, moved by his drunken state and by knowing his genuine thoughts.

I grabbed his chin gently, raising it at my level. “You have many girls around you; I am sure you have enough fun. Let’s not complicate our relationship, and let’s get you to bed now.” I stated, falsely calm, pulling him up the stairs and reaching the door lock with the keys in my other hand.

"I am not going inside if you don't stay," Cheng commented harshly, taking a step back and crossing his arms on his chest. Somehow I wished I would see more of that fragile and full of emotions person that he was, instead of the always happy guy who entertained and listened to other people but never shared something about himself.

"Cheng," I snorted, grabbing his nape and pulling him close to me. "You don't want to get me angry. Now shut up and get inside." Instead, my friend grasped my hand with enormous strength, twisting my arm so that I would turn my shoulders at him. He then blocked my arm behind my back as he pressed my face and body firmly against the apartment door.

"You don't want to get me angry, too," he smirked while panting excitedly in my ear. "No matter what you are now, I can always handle you, Chin Mae. It's a promise."