I was jealous. I was, and I couldn't avoid it anymore. And that day wasn't any different.

I was looking at my friend that was sat right in front of me, feeling my insides twisting at the sight of him sitting next to some of his football mates. He was just there, doing nothing, with his muscly arms laid relaxed on the armchair as nothing happened. Like he was not ignoring me at all. 

His teammates were shielding him and following him at every step he took recently, sticking at Cheng's ass like a magnet. As soon as I was around, they had to take him somewhere, and I couldn't go because 'I was not part of the team'. Any kind of excuse was good enough to exclude me and take him away from me, and yet I couldn't believe how Cheng wasn't doing anything to stop that. I was his friend; I was there before those idiots. 

But no matter if I was trying to justify Cheng in any way, I couldn't believe he didn't realise what those guys were doing. Couldn't he see how much he grew distant from me... from us and what we had? Our friendship was dissipating into thin air, and he wasn't doing anything about it. I was scared of being alone, going back to my life without him, and I was hurt because he seemed not to care anymore. I understood that we were now living together and that maybe he needed some personal space, but it was his idea to make me move in with him. He always stuck with me, ignoring everybody else, but things change, and it was also wrong to preclude him to make other friends just for my inability to make some.

“Make sure to enjoy your Christmas holiday, but remember to access the contents available online. Have a nice holiday.” I froze to the realisation that I was completely ignoring the tutor for more than an hour and looked at him bewildered as he shut down the lecture computer and welcomed some students with a fake and tired smile on his lips.

I stood up when the row I was sat started moving, frustrating myself mentally and moved down the stairs of the lecture theatre, quietly and composed, trying not to feel guilty when I purposedly ignored Cheng's gaze and surrendered to the fact that I had to give him space. 

I stepped out of the university doors, happy to feel some fresh air slapping my warm face, but I felt my body being pulled back abruptly. “I am calling you.” and it didn't take more than a second to knew who it was. Turning towards him, Cheng looked at me angrily, tightening the grasp around my arm while I hardly contained a groan of pain.

“I didn’t hear you.” I said, quickly justifying myself, “And I am going home; I am hungry.” I concluded, pressing my hand over his to remove it, but the only reaction I had from him was the usual smirk that appears on his lips when he spotted something he liked.

 Wait-

“Cool, Emma asked me to go out and eat something. You are coming too.” Cheng slid his hand over mine, but he now grabbed it gently as he leads me back inside the university. 

I tried not to feel something about how his skin's warmth was burning mine and suffocating me, but it was useless. And it was also pointless thinking about how that girl, Emma, was secretly in love with Cheng, and that if she had invited him out, she was probably trying to confess... and that by bringing me, I was going to ruin everything she had planned and also allowed myself to feel unwanted. 

I knew that day would come since she visited the house quite frequently, but they were just watching movies or doing homework from what I saw. Well, that was when I would get back from shopping or doing something that Cheng asked me to do, so I didn’t know if they were doing something else when I was out-

“What’s wrong with you today? You seem lost in thoughts.” I heard my friend asking me with an annoyed tone, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me against him. 

“Don’t know, maybe I didn’t sleep well.” my heart throbbed with anguish at the contact, so I pushed him back as I noticed Emma smiling when seeing us, or better, smiling to him. 

I sighed deeply and grabbed my phone just to entertain myself and to kill some time while they started talking, even though Cheng seemed not interested but willing to listen to her. Why was he doing that if he didn't want to be there in the first place? 

Oh, maybe that's how friendships were-

“So, now that Chin Mae is finally here, let’s go,” she happily encouraged us to exit the university premises and adjusted her black cat-eye shaped glasses that were enhancing the dark green colour of her eyes. I was surprised to have never noticed how her curvy body seemed so soft that... that you would dream of laying on her, kissing and biting her tender neck-

“Stop looking at her like this; you're too obvious,” Cheng spoke softly into my ear and stood in front of me so that I couldn't see her anymore. His presence woke me up from my trance and made me notice that he was dragging me around the city by holding my wrist. His fingers were brushing my palm gently, confusing me with his way too comforting presence, but what was disturbing me more was my sudden interest in Emma. I wasn't even into her; how could I think of her in that way?

“What are you say-” I stopped talking as soon as I understood what was happening. Slowly hugging me, Cheng wrapped one arm around my back-

“You are not allowed to have lewd thoughts about... someone else. It's an order from your boss,” he stated, smirking and reaching out to Emma, leaving me stock-still right where he left me. 

Emma smiled at him, embraced his arm and laughed at something he might have said, but Cheng smirked evilly towards me. But I couldn't seem to react because the only thing that my brain was focussing on was to press my humid lobe with two fingers and to try to control my breath. 

What was happening to me? I felt so hot.

“I was thinking to have some barbeque; Cheng told me you love meat.” Emma initiated a conversation after noticing that she had only had eyes and mouth for Cheng. I was tempted to ignore her completely, but I remembered that I wasn't an ass like someone else...

“Yeah, he's right indeed,” I simply replied, trying to avoid his gaze. Cheng touched her arm gently but smirked in my direction once again. I shrugged my shoulders and walked behind them, turning quiet, looking here and there at the massive crowds of people walking around us.

I stared at the groups and single people who were busy buying all sorts of stuff for Christmas, and my mood suddenly went miserable again. The anger and disappointment of what was happening with Cheng and me didn't matter, and the only thing that I was surprised about was how quickly the time went by... I couldn't believe it was already December... 

I wondered what my mother would do this year for Christmas day without me. Since my father went missing, I was nothing to my mother, so I bet that my presence didn't matter... My company wasn't somehow necessary; it didn't add any value or changed the mood positively anymore. I was not enough. But I imagined that other families were doing the same in these situations: they will meet up for the special occasion and prepare amazing and abundant delicacies for the whole family, even if some couldn't make it. Because everyone is replaceable... no one was essential. No matter who you were.

Something brushed hardly against my tibia, taking me out of my usual dark loop of thoughts. I looked down, and a small ginger crossbreed dog was trying to get my attention by wagging his tail and whining.

Realising that we had stopped at the traffic light waiting for the green sign to show, I crouched down and cuddled the dog, who, happily, positioned itself better so that I could pat his preferred spots. A slow but genuine smile grew on my face. The negative thoughts seemed to flow away when I looked at his beautiful earthy eyes, making me feel at peace. I guessed that being and making others feeling loved unconditionally with only a glance must be amazing, eh?

My hand remained halfway in the air as the dog was suddenly yanked away from me when the pedestrians started to cross the street. I looked at him, walking away even though it turned back a few times, leaving me still lost in my small happy place up until something caressed my head.

“It liked you at first sight... Not something to be surprised at. You have that effect on people.” Cheng stated when I glanced up at him, making sure to shove off his hand rudely.

“I wish it won’t affect the ill-intentioned ones. I had too many already.” I whispered in his ear before crossing the street, secretly enjoying his frozen smile and starting another meaningless conversation with Emma. 

We walked faster than before as the air seemed freezing our bodies from the inside, and I found myself a bit annoyed by how Emma seemed all over Cheng’s body just because she was cold. 

Well, I was a bit too, but I didn’t complain…

Finally, spotting the restaurant, a waitress welcomed us to our table right in front of the windows. I shivered as I just remembered that the pub where I used to work was around here, feeling already the anxiety running through my body. I gasped, trying to say something but nothing came out of my mouth. I could only look at my feet when Emma squeaked to the waitress how the table was just perfect for us, so I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes,  focused on repeating to myself that I was safe and that nothing was going ever to hurt me-

“Sorry to be a pain, but can we please have a table on the opposite side of the restaurant? I don’t like being near the windows.” Cheng asked the waitress, who politely takes us to the far end of the restaurant. 

I sighed silently at ease, sitting down against the wall of the red couch with relief. The black marble square table had a small grill in the middle, and the theme of the restaurant was primarily red and black. The walls had some warm lighting coming from some pillars, making the room dark and intimate. Emma wanted to take Cheng here because she wanted an actual date, and I had just ruined it. 

Brilliant.

Cheng smiled when he took place in front of me, sitting composed and staring at me with his usual smirk. I smiled back shyly as I had to admit that he had helped me out again; I was thankful that he didn't turn out an ass like he was becoming, thanks to his new friend-teammates. At the same time, Emma sat down next to me, chatting about something that had happened with her tutor, but I couldn’t seem to understand what she was saying as my focus was orientated entirely at Cheng’s lips and his doe shiny eyes. 

Slowly shifting his eye contact with mine after grabbing the menu handed by the waitress, Cheng nodded to something that Emma said, partially smiling. His fine but muscly neck stood out from his blue shirt collar, and the red sweater embraced his body so firmly that nothing was left to imagine. The contrast of those two colours made his skin stank out and glow, also helped by the only bright light pointed in the middle of the table. My eyes seemed to slowly zoom on the side of his neck, especially to the vein on the side that was pulsating against his skin, making my mouth water and my body slowly move forward.

A firm grasp on my knee was enough to immediately make me snap out of whatever I was doing, recognising that I was suddenly out of breath and that Cheng’s eyes were staring at me with an alarmed look. Dazed, I chunked down a glass of water that seemed to have been ordered and poured for me, forcing myself to think of anything else aside from that something that was rising in my pants. 

Was I that pent up?

Emma kept talking with Cheng, sipping her apple juice while Cheng couldn’t refrain from glancing at me when she was focused on looking somewhere else. I bit my lip, looking at the menu and ordered soon after when the waitress came to our table, glad to see her coming back quickly with the rest of our drinks. I took a long sip of my blond beer while she turned on our grill... then started to flirt with Cheng, making all of us uncomfortable.

I coughed, interrupting the torture “Sorry, your toilet?” I asked while standing up, making Emma sliding out of the couch. The waitress pointed at the obvious sign on my right, and I thanked her, leaving the awkward situation. When I entered one of the bathroom stalls, I sighed deeply, unzipping my jeans and worsening the situation.

Guess I had to take care of it quickly.

Placing a hand over my uncomfortable part, I started to work it out vehemently. Soft moans came out of my mouth as I increased the intensity of my stokes, biting my lower lip from raising my voice. Unconsciously, Cheng appeared right in front of my eyes like a hologram, unbuttoning his shirt: sitting on the closed toilet with his sweaty and muscly chest exposed, his legs open wide, urging me to come closer- 

"Mae... ah!" he whined my name, sliding his hands over his own groin. Cheng arched his back, pushing his head backwards-

"Cheng...!" I moaned angrily, focusing on shifting my imagination to my ex-girlfriend as I couldn't cross that line with him. I grabbed some toilet paper leaning on the tiles, finally releasing myself, pressing my lips together to contain my orgasm. Stepping out of the stall, my eyes rose from the pavement and met the ones that, right now, were the last that I wanted to bump into.

“What the-” Cheng failed to ask me, but I stopped him with a hand gesture and washed my hands, thoughtful. “What was that?” He insisted, crossing his arms on his chest "Something's making you that horny?" 

“It’s not,” I stated, trying to avoid his inquisitor gaze while reaching the exit, but he stopped me by standing his arm across it.

“Then, why were you moaning my name?” he declared, stepping in front of me. 

“I was just pent up, unlike someone else..." I replied, leaning on him a bit, smirking "I didn’t know you were into eavesdropping,” I said, trying to change the topic.

"That's not what I'm asking" Cheng placed a hand over my nape, trying to pull me closer.

“Listen, it was a mistake, I couldn't control my-" I sighed, pushing a hand over his chest "Stop whatever you are thinking, it was nothing.” I tried to stop my damn mouth, but words just seemed to flow out-

“Also, If you really want it, don’t run in circles. All those girls you are going out with, they don't deserve to be played like that." 

“Wait-” he tried to talk, but I stop him again, exasperated.

“Those girls want you. I don't. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, so just drop it.” Cheng looked at me furiously. I wanted to punch him so badly. 

“Emma is really interested in you, okay? And I am tired of being in the middle of it every time." I tried to move away, but Cheng grasped my wrists, pulling me closer to him.

“Right.” Cheng ranted, clenching his jaw tightly. Wait, why did he look so... hurt and disappointed?

“Sorry then, I might have misunderstood and thought that you..." he released me; pain was painted all over his face. 

“My bad, friend.” he spits out before storming off the bathroom, leaving me alone, speechless and confused more than before.