I looked at my phone, than to Al who was still smiling. His smile instantly turned into a worried look as he saw my Expression.

„Whats wrong?“ His words were fuzzy. Everything grow further away and I felt like this wasn’t real. Like nothing of the things from today evening ever happened. As if everything was fake, the party, the conversation, the kiss…

I suddenly felt sick. Everything was blurry my eyes were twitching and even the little rest of sunshine on the horizon became too bright for me. I shielded my Eyes from the sun and the whole moment with both my hands. Al said something very blurry but I couldn’t understand a single word he said. Everything was going down. What if I just imagined all this? What if all his smiles were fake? What if he will look at me tomorrow with a expression like my father did? I shivered as the picture of Al with his wild smile was exchanged with a cold regretting expression full of hate. Captured in my downward spiral all the thoughts I hid behind my self confidence came hailing down on me in a sole second. What if I don’t deserve freedom? What if Al will reget everything? What if nothing was real? What if - a hand grabbed mine and interrupted my thoughts. With tears in the Eyes from who I don’t even know were they came from I looked at Al who was holding my hand looking at me worried but composed.

„Shhh.“ He said softly. „Look at me.“ I turned my still twitching eyes to his. „Breath slowly.“ He ordered. „Inhale“ he said softly while inhaling. I breathed in. „Now exhale!“ He said doing the same. I breathed out. „I am here.“ He said now. „Your doing great.“ He comforted me. „Your not alone, Kai“ He said finally.

I could slowly come away from my dark thoughts. Al pulled me in a hug and I lend on Al’s chest. His slow breathing and constant Heartbeat calmed me down. With still trembling hands I softly shoved Al away and took my phone in my hand. My Dad called for the second time. I took a deep breath and pressed the red button.

I never rejected a call from my dad before. I looked Al in the Eyes with a crazy expression.

I felt free, full of adrenaline and crazy.

What the hell was that? All these Emotions were so intense. Damn this boy really drives me crazy. I hate weak Main characters in books. Damn I hate them so much if they cry for the smallest reason. There are so many things out there who are so much worse than all their and my first world problems: War, Child soldiers, Famine, Water scarcity, Climate Change, Factory Farming, Bi-kill, Rainforest deforestation and and and … this list is way to long. 


But then again I think I am just jealous how they can show their emotions free and let everything out. I want to do that too. And I know I should but I am scared. I am too scared to let anyone know my emotion. My true emotions. I sometimes wish I could just cry. But I never cry. I am to scared to get hurt again. I am scared to show people what I feel I am scared of being used. I am scared of being laughed at. I am scared to loose control. So why the hell did I cry? What did this boy do to me? Did he slipped something in my drink or so? But I didn’t even drink. This was to much… to much.

I can't handle him. I don't have control when I am with him.

I shoved Al who was still sitting near to me softly away and stood up. „I can’t.“ I said. The words I said hurt but I knew I had to say them if I wanted to stay sane. „…Not anymore.“ I added and walked away. Leaving Al behind. I am sure Al said something but I already was to far to hear him.

I need to leave now, before it is too late. If I would stay with him I would lose myself. I would life in the illusion that I know what freedom is, that I know what it feels like to be happy. But I won’t be. Not in the way I always wanted to be.

There is no Freedom if your own happiness depends on someone else.

I would get hurt. He will hurt me and I can't handle that. I can't handle him. I want to change this cruel world. I want to change it to something better with everything that I can give. I want to change the world and myself together. And I don’t want to break before I can do this. So there is no way that I let someone in my life just to get hurt.

He has way too much power over me and that is fu**ing scary.