“I wish I would have stayed on the phone longer, I wish I would have gotten my shit together a week prior. I wish I would have been able to get better to show my dad and make him proud. The following morning I was woken up with call after call from my mother, something happened and my dad was in the hospital. I hopped on the first flight as fast as I could to New Jersey, but by the time I landed my phone rang again... My heart dropped when I answered it, I fell to my knees in the middle of the airport, tears escaping from my eyes. My father was gone. He was fucking gone.” I look into Chelf's brown eyes. 

“I guess what I am saying, maybe forgive him. Not for him but for you. Because if something happened, you do not want to live with the thought of ‘What if’ for the rest of your life. If nothing happens, he doesn't care, then you have nothing left to lose. You said your peace and made peace with him to better yourself. Just think about it.”

He goes quiet and sits there. I can tell his wheels in his head are turning but doesn't say anything.

“Honestly, I think you dad was proud of you before he died, and before you went into your depression. We are human. He knew how torn up you were about it. Personally, I would rather my child show signs of hurt than not showing emotions at all. It means you began the healing process. Some people stay in them longer than some, but eventually we make it out.”

“Speaking from experience?” I smile softly.

“Naw, not really with relationships, but I know what it's like to have depression. Being in the military, you see things. Things you don't want to talk about or remember. It can change you. But the first step to healing is acceptance.”

“Meaning, accept what has been done?”

He shrugs, “For each person it is different.”

I nod slowly. Acceptance?

His phone beeps. He glances at it then back at me.

“Go ahead, it's fine.” I smile.

He opens the phone and reads the message. His face goes even gloomier. “Another apology. Sorry, I told her I was going to lunch with my partner. I think she thinks you are a girl because she is acting a bit crazy.” He threw his head back and laughed while grabbing his wallet for the bill. “I got it this time. Next lunch date, you're buying.”

“Careful now, might make your girlfriend jealous even more.” I teased jokingly. 

He pays the bill and we leave the diner. We started walking and he continued.

“I am still pissed at her. This is the 3rd time she stood me up. I know her job is demanding but damn, I moved out here for her and she hasn't had lunch with me yet, barely is at home. Hell our sex life seems to be fast and quick. I dont remember the last time we had slow passionate sex.”

“Wow. No wonder you are always grumpy.” I nudged his shoulder with mine and he laughs. 

We pass a store and he pauses, “Want to go in?” I asked. 

He nods and walks in. He quickly grabs a soda, candy bar, and a bag of chips. 

Wow. I guess she has really upset him. 

After he paid his total we left and began our way back to work. 

“But anyways. I know we will be fine. I mean we survived over a year through long distance, I know we will get through this.” He stuffs his face with the candy bar.

The way he scarfs that down tells me other wise. I remember when I did the same thing... 

I looked at him and he looked hurt. “Well, here.” I pulled out my phone and handed it to him. “Put in your number.”

He took my phone and put his number in it. I took my phone back and quickly typed a message.

To Ziah:

Ziah. This is my number, whenever you feel down or she stands you up again. Call me, text me, face-time me. Whatever. Girls suck sometimes. Call and you can bitch about her.

-Zaire

Ding!

He glanced down at his phone and smiled. And quickly types back.

Ding!

From Ziah:

Zai. I like the nickname you gave me. But thanks I may take you up on that offer.

I glanced up at him and smiled, “Dude, this is so gay.”

He laughed loudly and wraps an arm around my shoulder, “Well dude, I go both ways so this is partially gay.”

We both laughed and continued talking as we entered the station. 

............................

For some reason, he makes things easy. He makes talking and being open bearable and fun. My words keep coming and there is no stopping them. When was the last time I spoke to someone with such ease? Why is it easy to talk to him? Why do I not feel so scared when I do? 

Jesus, I am loosing my fucking mind.