Wow. So… my life is weird. In a good way.

But wow. Shit went down my manatee, and I really have to tell you about it.

…well, okay, actually, let me rephrase that: life is MOSTLY good.

Alex admitted to me that his wrist was hurting a little too much for it to be normal, and that he even went to see a doctor, and that… is very worrying. I can tell this has also upset him a lot. So although I’m glad he told me, and that we’re working things out, I’m really sad for Alex.

I know it’s probably not that easy, but I hope he feels better soon.

Anyway… On the day when Alex went to meet his new assistant, I should have gone to classes, but I stayed home instead because I really wasn’t feeling it. You know those days where you haven’t slept, and you feel like your whole body is heavy, and your eyes just always close no matter what you do?

Yeah, I didn’t think I could concentrate in class anyway. I figured I would just ask someone for the notes.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning on making a habit of skipping classes. This is actually the first time I did that. (I’ve been surprisingly good at being consistent lol). But yeah, showing up for the sake of just showing up, when you’re literally not any more reactive than a doormat, is kind of silly in my opinion. So I stayed home. I napped, and rested, and it was pretty nice!

Once I felt a bit more like myself again, I made some spicy cup noodles (because I was lazy), curled myself up into a blanket burrito on the couch, and took out my laptop.

There was an unpleasant moment where I accidentally saw some weird comments left on Alex’s video (the page had been left open).

1: Damn, if she’s a chick I wonder how she likes it... role reversal? uWu

2: Nah dude, he’s 100% a bottom lmao look at the way he walks

3: Wat? lol sry but he’s obvs a top? have you seen those hands??

4: Who cares??? hahaha would fuck em any day, look at that face ;)

5: HIS FRENCH IS SO HOT OMG SPANK ME, SIR

“What the fuck.”

I quickly clicked away and off the page. I cringed.

I still don’t know if Alex saw those comments, or if he’s even reading them anymore, but sweet baby Jesus I hope he hasn’t been keeping an eye on them because okay, I know I said we couldn’t do much about it—that was before, when I figured people would just get over his video in a day, and move on to something else like they usually do.

Guess who was wrong, my manatee.

Yeah, it’s always me.

This is getting out of hand. And I wish I knew how to help Alex, but I can’t, and that sucks.

Moving on…. To distract myself from what I had just seen, I hung out on my blog a bit and wrote this article about being uncertain about the future, and how scary that was. I won’t note the whole thing down here, but basically I just mentioned how weird it was that everything could change because of a single choice you’d make, and sometimes you wouldn’t even know what that choice was, but it did affect your life in the end.

Like, man, we have too much power. We can interact with this world however we want to. And that means there’s never some kind of timeline that’s certain, since I feel like it’s just changing all the time.

Literally, I was meant to end up being some depressed dropout, who’d spend his days wanking to porn, crying about existing, and eating cereal at three in the morning, but I went to this party, got crazy wasted, somehow met Alex and wanted to live again, and now here I am, the complete opposite of who I used to be. I AM LITERATE. DO YOU KNOW HOW WEIRD THAT IS? AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY LOGGED INTO A WARRIOR TRIBE CHATROOM, INSTEAD OF CLICKING ON MY USUAL TEXTING APP, BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK AND HIGH??? (LIKE WHAT???)

Okay, full disclaimer though, I’m sure being drunk and high usually leads to some questionable decisions that probably make your life worse, I just got lucky this time around. And, okay, I’m not saying there’s anything inherently bad with my previous lifestyle (except for the drugs, don’t do those my manatee, it’s not a fun time, even if you think it is in the moment, you’ll regret it lol).

It’s not like I was hurting anyone, in the end, but I was hurting me, and I wasn’t happy, and I never thought I’d be happy—like, ever, I was seriously set on settling for being moderately content, as long as I wasn’t dead, y’know?—so that’s kind of what I’m trying to get at. The contrast between then and now… I hope this makes sense.

I just… I find this notion of freedom as cool, as it is terrifying. Like, damn, what if I’m making the wrong choice? What if I accidentally change my life forever without knowing it, but in a negative way this time?

I know I was overthinking and probably just lacking sleep haha but anyway, the main point I wanted to make here is that the article I wrote where I just shared my random fears got featured by some famous person who said it was relatable and posted it to their blog, and now I have 3000 followers on my blog, that used to have less than ten weekly visitors, and I’m fucking terrified diary save my soul oh my god so many people have read my words what the fuck is this timeline?

So yeah, that happened.

And then Alex came home. And before I could even tell him about anything, he just admitted to me that he’d injured his wrist, and he said he was sorry if he wasn’t cool anymore because he couldn’t draw like before.