COBARDE (coward)- Ximena Sarinana 

.

“Wait, wait… Hmm…”

“What?”

“HAhahaha. Shit. Dude, I hit my head!”

Carlos pulled back and looked at his girlfriend who was laying against the pillows laughing and holding her head. They were in his house, in his room, while his parents were out and had been in the middle of an intense make-out session before he flipped Catalina and she’d hit her head on the windowsill.

She’d yelped and pushed him off, scaring the hell out of him when she had grabbed her head.

“Are you okay?”

“Give me a second. Man, I think you cracked my head open,” she muttered as she continued to rub at the spot behind her head. He told her to turn around so he could check it for her and she did. “See anything?”

“It’s going to be a lump for sure,” he said with a wince. The spot on her scalp was bright pink. He sat back on his knees and studied her. She was wearing one of her My Chemical Romance t-shirts and shorts. She was on the shorter side, not that skinny, not fat, more on the chunky side. And there was just something about her that kept him coming back to her again and again, even when they had broken up like two different times already in the last two years.

She finally raised her face to his and caught him looking at her.

“What? Got monkeys on my face?”

“No.”

“So?”

“What? Can’t I check out my girlfriend?” he said with a grin as he sat back against the wall. Catalina blushed prettily at the words and sat against the windowsill, legs stretched out towards him. She was sure that he hadn’t meant it in a dirty sort of way, but for some reason it made her... made her stomach flutter.

She dropped her head a little, her dark hair cascading around her shoulders and she watched him through it.

He was tall for his age, almost six feet tall with black hair and glasses. He was broad shouldered and thick... She wouldn’t exactly call him fat. His pouty lips made her grin because they only got poutier after they had been kissing for longer periods of time. She watched him nervously shuffle on the bed when he caught her eyeing him back.

“W-what?”

“Nothing. What? Can’t I check out my boyfriend?” she tossed back at him watching him flush red at the words. She had blushed. He had turned into a bright red tomato.

She watched him look away for a moment, thinking. She knew that face. There was always something going on with him. That was his doubting face. Cat looked away as well because now things were awkward... And she knew it was headed to another break up....

.

Carlos had been the first boyfriend that she had brought home to meet her parents. He was mixed as well, like her, except to both Spanish speaking parents. Her grandmother did not like him at all. How they had come to be a couple was a strange, and it had been so long ago she couldn’t remember anymore.

What she did remember was that it wasn’t a sudden thing, but more gradual.

They had met in one class and started talking when they had been assigned to the same group for an assignment. He was more on the quiet side, while she had been a little more vocal on her likes and dislikes. Probably... it had probably been when she had defended him from another kid who had made a stupid comment about the way he looked like ‘death and a funeral’ that it had all started.

She remembered that annoying kid even now, almost twelve years later.

And she was sure that he remembered her as well. She had run into him at a restaurant one time and he had given her the stink eye but said nothing else.

He had thought he was being funny making comments about Carlos’ appearance and how he didn’t have a chance with Cat... Except when he’d turned to Cat and made some obnoxious comment about her, she’d straight up told him he wasn’t funny, he was acting like an ignorant asshole and if he didn’t shut his trap he’d become acquainted with her fist.

The kid had looked surprised, probably because all the girls were into him and he thought he was ‘cute’. Cat had stared him down, said that he didn’t know her to make comments to her as if he did, and that it was best for him to not assume stupid things.

She was still surprised years later, that the teacher had only stared at them, shrugged, and said nothing else.

Now, Carlos and her were a difficult story to think about even though the years passed by...

It had started out fine, just regular high school Juniors playing at being in love. Except that there was a problem with that because Cat didn’t think she was in love with him. She was still hung up on Henry, this other nerdy kid she had dated before.

Carlos knew that.

And it caused a lot of drama between them, especially when he had asked Cat if they could finally... do it.

She had turned him away saying she was not ready.

Truth was, even if she was, she did not want him that way.

Childhood crushes, growing up together, dealing with high school, liking the same music, same hobbies, same foods... Everything ends eventually, and Cat found that out the hard way. Being a year older than him, she’d graduated before him and gone away to college, where he would still visit her from time to time.

But it was never the same. 

The way that things had gone down between them had been hurtful and dishonest, something that she would never forget and something that would eventually make her into the cautious person she was now as an adult.

There were plenty of good things and nice memories that she shared with Carlos. It had been nice in the beginning, but the end was another story.

She was sure that it was partly her fault, but she also had to blame his mother in a way for the way she would push her needs on Carlos, making it so that whatever doubt he had in their relationship just increased tenfold with her ideas.

Cat remembered a time when she had been over at their house. They were only supposed to be hanging out, and they did for a while in the garage. Later, his mother had called them out for dinner... except it turned weird when she started making comments about Cat's cooking, or lack of cooking, and how that would affect her son.

Cat had stared at the older woman with the most bored look on her face and asked her what she was going on about.

"Well, you know, it would be good if you knew how to cook. Because my son will be going off to college soon and it would be nice to have someone go with him. Maybe like, I don't know, live with him. I'm worried for my son... You should totally go with him, be a nice girlfriend, cook him some meals..."

She doubted that his mother was happy when she'd started laughing in her face.

"Ma'am, I don't even cook at home. Don't get me wrong, I know how to cook. It's me wanting to cook, or doing it out of my own will that's the problem. My father doesn't even make me cook unless I have to."

Carlos' mother had been red in the face and annoyed.

"Well, you are going to have to do it sometime eventually. Maybe learn for him."

"It's not like I'm moving out with him."

"But he's moving out, he will need someone to--"

"Then maybe he needs to stay put and learn how to do it himself. I'm not going to move out of my damn house, to go spend my time cooking for someone else when I have my own classes and schooling to worry about." Cat knew she was probably being a little rude, but she didn't care. The woman was pushy and trying to guilt-trip her as well. It wasn't going to work. Not against Cat.

"He's your boyfriend."

Cat snorted. "Yeah, boyfriend. He's not my husband. I'm not planning on getting married any time soon. There is a boundary, and our relationship is one that is on that boundary."

That was one of the last times that she had been over for dinner at his house, and one of the last times that she had spoken to his mother in person. Everything else had been downhill from there, for the last time.

Did she have good memories with Carlos? Of course, she did. Those were the only things she tried to think about when they had finally parted ways and she felt lonely. The good things. Call it being naive, or stupid, call it what you will, but Cat had a problem

That she always gave people the benefit of doubt.

That was what kept bringing Carlos back into her life again and again, her thinking that it was going to work out the next time, and the next time, and the next...

Except it never did and it would always end in arguments, in verbal assaults, in sarcasm, and finally in tears.

"Cat... I think you should look at this..."

Cat rolled over on the floor and stood up, going over to her friend where she was pointing at something on her laptop screen.

"What is it?"

"I... am so sorry, but you have to read it yourself."

"Okay."

And her heart had broken into a hundred pieces because there on that screen, she'd learned about a side of Carlos that she had never thought she'd see.

It was a Facebook comment on a post that her friend has posted. What she was reading now was a screenshot since her friend had deleted the post completely, but that had remained.

"Your friend is one hot *****. You should see how w-wet she gets when... What is this...?" Cat whispered in shock at the rest of the sentence. It went on to talk about the size of her breasts, among other things in detail that she had never heard from him or anyone else before. Heart pounding, she turned to her friend. "What is this?"

"I had posted a comment about relationships... And he so happened to see it and commented on it. Dane commented on it, asking Carlos why he was being an asshole about it and that he needed to stop because you were also his friend. Carlos had asked why we would be friends with you?"

"I don't understand why he would put that!" 

"I can only guess it's because he's butthurt that you finally broke it off with him..."

Cat shook her head sadly as she continued reading... "We never even had sex! What the hell is he going on about!?"

"I don't know! I am so sorry! I just had to show it to you because I know how you're always forgiving him when he's done being stupid. I don't think you deserve that."

"We never, ever, ever did it! I'm still a virgin, Lena!"

"I know, Cat. I trust you. I know you wouldn't lie about that."

Cat stared at the screenshot one more time before going to her own laptop and trying to find him on Facebook... only to find that he'd blocked her.

He'd blocked her and he was going around posting personal things about her body and their relationship on the web for everyone to see.

"He fucking blocked me!" Cat gasped as she tried again and again to find him. "He fucking blocked me, that jerk! Oh, hell no. OH HELL NO!"

"Calm down, Catalina. I know you're hurt, and yes with good reason, but you don't need to lower yourself to his stupidness. That guy is nothing but a mama's boy who doesn't deserve your pain. Let him be the fool for posting things, and a coward for not facing you. He blocked you because he's a coward!"

Cat sighed dejectedly, her shoulder drooping as she dropped her face as well.

"I know! I just thought he was different. Oh god!" She threw her hands up to her face as she cried. "I am so glad I never did anything with him! What a fool I could've been! Why would he post that stuff though!?"

"It's over, Cat. Don't worry about him anymore. This...sadly, is what you needed from him to finally move on. That boy is no good for you. Now you know why it always felt off with him. He's no longer your responsibility."

"I know... It's just.. shocking."

"I know, Cat, I know..."

Both girls sat there on the floor, shoulders around each other as Cat cried at the realization that sometimes, even the ones that you think you can trust can end up hurting you.

Never again, she promised herself, never again am I going to let myself be used that way. No more trusting, no more good girl. No more trusting guys and giving them what they want...

The first time that she ever did it with someone, it would be with someone she loved. No more guys like Carlos who only liked fooling around and then posting about people when they turned him down.

No more.

..

It was a sunny Summer afternoon when Cat stepped into the grocery store in town. Her mother was making dinner for some guests they were having later and had sent Cat to grab some things she'd forgotten.

She was minding her own business, looking for what her Mom had sent her to get when she turned the corner and was heading up an aisle when it happened.

There at the other end of the aisle stood Carlos with a grocery basket in hand. They were now about twenty-one and twenty-two respectively, hadn't seen each other in about two years, not since they'd finally broken up for the last time.

He paled, looking worried as he eyed her while she said nothing, made no expression that she cared to see him there.

He turned and hurried out of the aisle, leaving her standing there.

That happened on two other occasions until she left town and began working somewhere else.

She found it funny that even after the years had gone by, he was still worried about running into her. She didn't care anymore, she'd done her fair share of crying and moping around, feeling angry and hurt. He wasn't any of her concern or a reason to feel anxious about. The fact that he booked it like the aisle was on fire, not even willing to face her, or at least acknowledge the fact that he'd been an asshole on Facebook, talking crap about her on her own friend's comments showed exactly how much of an idiot he was.

She never brought it up with anyone else, nor did she ever try to contact him to argue about it. That happened after they had broken up and that ship had sailed.

In her mind, knowing that she hadn't stooped low enough to try and post something about him, made her feel better. She was the bigger person, the respectful one, the brave one.

The one who wasn't afraid to hide anymore.

Years have gone by now, she has never seen him around town anymore, but every now and then her cousins tell her how they've run into him at the store or somewhere else, and last she'd heard he was engaged to some girl who was supposed to be a friend of hers as well.

Friend. What a funny word that is.

Good riddance. 

But that's a story for another day.