Now that I jot this all down, it has become painfully apparent how terrible I’ve been with this body. My body… in theory.

I wonder if continuing to live as female in my regular life isn’t impeding on any potential progress I could make. In my work life, I am still Alexandra. And since my work life is most of my life… I’m assuming this is not optimal for my brain, who seems to be quite fond of making me dissociate lately.

I wish I could say that I have a perfect plan for this, and that I have not been staring at a blank wall for the entirety of my afternoon, once I got home with my doctor’s orders, that stated I should rest my hands for a while, if I could afford to do so—which, I definitely could, and can. I have two months ahead of me before my next deadline.

But what do people do, when they are not working, friend?

I would gladly take David’s example, but it seems that he is like me, in this sense. And I suppose it is not surprising, considering how he was raised…

Should I ask Eve about self-care? Honestly, even the very word seems like the name of a foreign, mythical creature to me. I feel as if everyone around me is always working—where on Earth could they ever find the time to be lazy?

…

On second thought, friend, I don’t think I can ask Eve.

I picked up my phone three seconds ago with the intention of sending her a text full of questions about the art of taking care of oneself, but… I will worry her if I do that. I think, that I will keep the act of sharing these concerns for someone that isn’t so involved in my personal life, such as my therapist, for example.

Urgh. And on top of all this I need to meet my new assistant tomorrow. My boss tells me her name is Nora, and that she’s just about my age. I hope she will be efficient, and that I will not need to cover every single line she draws on my projects. I recall working with an assistant for another game, once—honestly, the whole experience was traumatizing, and we wasted more time, than we gained efficiency. I do not want to go through that again…

Honestly, I already despise the days that are to come. I’ve never taken a break before, let alone gotten surgery. Granted, it isn’t a sure prospect… but my doctor said it was a possibility, and the idea of having a doctor toying around with my wrist is not one I enjoy picturing very much.

Friend, I regret not making an effort to treat myself more like a human being, instead of pretending that I was able to uphold the workload of an android. Once again, I am a fool.

(And, no, that dratted video is not down yet. I’ve even started getting calls from agents, Gods only know where they found my number. I must remember to get a new phone and change my personal information. This is starting to get out of hand.)

(Sigh.)

On that note friend, I can hear footsteps nearing by the doorway and the jingling of keys. I think David has arrived. I’m going to greet him. And… have a little, much needed chat with my dearest lover.

That is all, for now. I will check in… whenever my wrist is hurting less, perhaps.

I hope things are better where you are, friend.

Yours,

Alexander