Hey, my diary of a manatee!

It’s been like, what? Months? Yeah… sorry about that, but I kind of forgot to write in this journal for a while because life happened, but I’m back now.

Alex has been kind of distant. Also, that guy I said would likely not work in the same coffee shop with me, ended up working at the same coffee shop with me… yeah… I don’t know what to think. He’s still, uh… a bit too friendly with me.

If I’m being honest, I don’t hate the attention, Isaac is… really attractive. And I’ve kind of been missing having someone’s eyes on me like that, because I barely see Alex anymore, even though we live together.

I mean, okay, we did talk yesterday when I showed him that video (the views have gone up since then… we haven’t managed to take it down yet, Alex hates it), but we ended up arguing when I tried to lighten the mood, so I don’t really feel like that counts as a romantic interaction, if you see what I mean?

Urgh. I dunno. Maybe this wasn’t the right time for us to move in together, after all. Or maybe this is normal. I guess, even though I’ve had a lot of relationships, they never actually lasted up to this point so it’s hard to tell. And the fact that our schedules don’t line up anymore isn’t helping at all.

I guess the good news in all this that I’ve found some new hobbies. Because of the time we spend apart, I get bored every now and try something new. Lately I’ve been writing—like, actually writing. Turns out essays are fun to work on, in a weird, masochistic way. lol

I posted one online the other day (yeah, I caved and made a blog), I didn’t expect any responses, but five people commented, and we had a nice exchange of opinions on moving away from home for the first time, so that was neat. Maybe I’ll tell Alex and my friends in the future, for now though… it’s my little secret! Hehe.

Also, you can probably tell, but my writing has improved so much. Yeah, all right, I still get tempted to add smilies and random ‘lols’ here and there, but damn, when I went to read about on how I used to note down my thoughts, it was weird to see how sloppy I used to be.

…Oh well. At least I got better... even if I feel like I started from a worse place than most people do grammar-wise.

Anyway, I guess that’s it for now…

Okay, no, I lied. I wish that could be it, but there are a lot of things weighing on my mind.

I can’t… touch myself.

I mean, I can, but each time I do, I think of Alex, and then Alex’s image turns into Isaac, and that makes me feel guilty to the point of no return, because I don’t know what that means. And it keeps on happening. So eventually, I just stopped spending time with David Jr. And now I’m also afraid that this problem’ll arise if I have sex with Alex, so I’ve been avoiding him too, and kind of purposely coming home late, when I don’t really have to. Like, the library’s nice and all that, but I could totally take the first bus home and study from our apartment.

Except if I do that, then I’ll have to face Alex, and Alex is in a bad mood already, and I don’t know why. But it’s also partially my fault if I don’t know why, because I haven’t been there for him, and each time we see each other it’s always for some weird, formal stuff, like bills or papers to sign.

Man, I’m sure he can tell I’m being distant. But how do I even bring this up? ‘Hey, dude, I’ve been thinking of having sex with someone else, and if given the opportunity, I would probably want to act on those stupid, stupid desires.’

Okay, God, I need to stop. I’m freaking out for nothing.

Tomorrow, I’ll just go to work as always, and I’ll tell Isaac to stop… whatever it is that he’s doing.

…Fuck. I should probably go home. It’s getting late. The library-guardian-lady is throwing me strange looks.

Aw, crap, and now my phone’s ringing.

Okay, I’ll be back.

***

Okay, I’m back.

I’m on the bus. It’s dark. And I kind of regret not leaving before the sun set now.

Sorry in advance if my handwriting looks kind of shaky, it’s hard to write on a moving vehicle. I’ll try my best though.

So… Alex called me while I was having that mini existential crisis. That was fun. (I’m being very, very sarcastic. It was not fun.)

“Are you busy?” he asked me.

And I told him that, “No,” no, I was not, busy. I was just… trying not to cry in the middle of a public library because of how confused I was.

“Ah. Good.” He didn’t sound too happy. I wondered if this was bad news. “Do you… recall the”—Alex cleared his throat— “events at our camping trip that unfolded before our eyes?”

“Alex,” I frowned. “You’re going to have to be a lot more specific than that. A lot fucking happened on that trip.”

There was a moment of silence. I heard him shift on the spot again. “My apologies,” Alex told me, with a huff. “I was… referring to Sasha and Eve’s… endeavors.”

I wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but once again, I was nervous, and sweating like it was the end of the world outside. “Y-yeah?” I said, as I tugged at my collar, then gulped. “What about them?”

“How…” He paused again. “How would you feel about opening up our relationship, too?”

I froze. I hadn’t expected this. At all. What the fuck? I thought. Did I do something wrong?

Does he not want me anymore?

Is this because I’ve been distant?

“Fuck,” I muttered, under my breath, as I asked Alex if we could talk about this once I’d get back. “I’ll be there soon,” I said, while I rose to my feet in order to rush home, then accidentally knocked over a pile of books that I had stacked on the library’s desk I’d been using.

The librarian threw me a mean glance. I told her I was sorry, and that I’d take better care of her books in the future, before I picked up the mess I’d made and dashed for the bus stop.

And well, here I am now… currently waiting on a wait that’s pretty much unbearable, if you ask me. I want to get to our apartment soon, just as much as I want to never arrive.

I guess I’ll write in here again once I’ve had this… weird but apparently needed talk with Alex?

BYE!

(God, I’m so afraid.)