“Thank you for coming tonight and cooking for me." Cheng looked embarrassed, and it seemed that I wasn't the only one feeling that he had something more to say. "I was a bit worried about you; you're working every day and keep losing weight.” my friend confessed, removing his hand from mine, and suddenly I missed the weight it had on it. I shook my head, refraining from removing my hoodie as my body felt way too warm.

“It’s fine; I need the money anyway. I just need to stay focused on classes even though I'm working until late and get good grades.” I reassured him while removing some empty plates from the table and leaving them stocked up in the sink before sitting down again. I've always worked hard and doing it again sure was bothersome as I thought I could have an easier life in another country, but it had to be done. It wasn't something negotiable since I had to make a living and improve my current situation.

“Where do you live? I could come to help you clean the room or apartment if you are too tired. You keep on falling asleep in class.” he added, playing with the wine inside his glass after I've poured him another one. I appreciated his kindness, but he shouldn't meddle in something like that... not because I felt he was nosey or something, the mere reason is that after all he'd done for me, I would never make him do something like that. I owed him too much already.

“I'm actually living in a hostel, and really, I don’t need any help,” I replied quickly, regretting it soon after " I can take care of myself." I scratched my nape, uneasy as my response might have come out too blunt and maybe disrespectful, "It's not bad, I can move to any place I want without much notice to give. It's somehow, liberating." I added, looking at his still surprised expression. Sure, it wasn't the best option, but better than living on the streets while I was gathering some cash to keep on living.

 That wine... damn. My head was spinning.

“Why-” Cheng stopped, rubbing his face. “Okay. Well, if you want to stay here for a couple of days, I'm happy to. I don’t mind sharing my bed with you, so when you feel like staying, just do.” He sighed nervously but then laughed, covering his mouth elegantly but I could see how my confession moved him. I wasn't sure what he was thinking exactly, but I could see he was feeling guilty somehow, knowing that a friend of his is in that situation with no expiration date could surely worry him... maybe I should invite him over one day, so he could see that I still live temporarily in a nice and welcoming place.

“You know, I really think that there’s something between us, something that connects us no matter what. I don’t normally become friends with someone this quickly and have this chemistry… it feels so different from my other experiences.” Cheng mumbled carefree, finishing the rest of his glass. His ever slightly closed as he spoke, his head heavy slightly moving from one side to another...

Was he drunk already? 

"Mnh... Yeah." I acknowledged standing up and removing the last few things off the table so that I could give him my back. I needed to refrain from blushing unconditionally, or I would've exploded... the heat I felt when he talked about us was too much to bury deep down like I always did. But anyway, I agreed with what he was saying. I could sense that there was some sort of connection between us that draws us back together every time, even when I tried to push him away.

The addiction we had towards each other was intense and I realised it when we agreed to whatever the other said without thinking it twice. From his small requests like going out after class, following me around the city with my list of things to do or waiting for him until his extra classes or training finished... not to mention all the times he protected me and looked after me when I was ill even though I was most of the time harsh and disrespectful... Or even today when he appositely got drenched only to covering me from the rain... Those small acts of love and consideration towards me made me feel like I could really trust him with all my secrets, I felt like he would stay and support me no matter my troubled background.

But I couldn't avoid, in my stillness, letting my mind overthink about those precious moments that I will always treasure. The positive side of my brain atrophied as soon as the negative one crashed against it, making me lose the unconditional love that a friend could give as a simple explanation for all his kindness. It was easier for me to appreciate the affection from others, thinking that nothing was expected in return or that the nature of the action was not caused by sympathy or pity... but somehow, I couldn't ignore it.

I truly believed that Cheng was a lovely and kind-hearted person. Still, I couldn't avoid the negative thought that his behaviour was dictated to my unfortunate situation, and that reversed into a totally normal sympathy towards me. I knew he liked my company, but he had that overprotective behaviour only because he wanted to look after something, to look after someone with difficulties in his dull and perfect life. 

I could bet that if Cheng knew what happened to me, he would behave as my ex-girlfriend and as my best friend did. They left me, bullied me and spread rumours around even if half of them were true and... I just hoped he would never discover the truth about me, no matter what.

The reality was that Cheng was just curious. I just needed to entertain him with my drama until he will get bored and throw me away. It will be better for me if it ends like that… Even though I could feel already that it will hurt me so badly since the only thought of a future separation made me want to scream my lungs out. The idea of him using me for his entertainment made me sick, especially the realization that I was getting used to his presence and his light...

His hands, 

His smile, 

His warmth... 

It all made me want to grasp my heart out so it wouldn't hurt when I'll him disappear from my life.

“Can you get some more wine, please?” Cheng suddenly asked, interrupting my internal turmoil and pulling me out of my tormented and offuscated mind. I nodded obediently, got a new glass and poured him some more wine without even blinking, but when I tried to go back to the sink, he trapped my wrist into his hand, pulling me back. 

I needed to go away; I couldn't-

“Can you stay here tonight?” Cheng asked as he stood up from his seat, “I know I'm asking a lot, but could you just... stay?” He whispered in my ear, slowly putting his arms around my neck as I stepped back, looking at him confused. 

Did he realize that I was in the dumps already? 

“I can’t; I have to work. I told you already...?” I tried to remove his hands from me, but the only result I had was him getting closer. Cheng pushed me near the sofa as he sat down, inviting me to sit on his lap while he smiled wholeheartedly.

Yup, the wine must have gotten to his head already.

"I hate it when people contradict me.” my friend confessed, whispering in my ear. His hand gently held one side of my face to turn me towards him, and from there, his finger slid up my jaw to my neck. The heat that his touch created every single time inside me suffocated me, and I knew I should feel it in the first place, but I couldn't reverse those reactions. The only thing I could do was step back and get away from him, but it was hard. It was hard to stay away from Cheng, so hard.

“I-I probably should go.” I burst out, pushing him to the side, “This is not you and... I'm not gay, Cheng. And I guess you're not too, so let’s stop here.” I finally managed to stand up, but he grabbed my hips and sat me between his legs. My back adhered to his abdomen, and the usual warmth that I kept avoiding and distancing myself from... swallowed me whole, softly dimming my rationality. My silence was taken as consent for him to continue cuddling and teasing my already sensitive body. His hands were now rubbing my tensed back, slowly massaging it with circular gentle movements that led me to close my eyes. 

Get away, Chin Mae. You can't get attached to people. You don't even deserve love.

In the end, people will only hurt you and not even say sorry when they will see you breaking apart, so why bother now?

It was abnormal how I could easily get subjugated if a person I cared about showed me love and attention, so much that I could even forgive anything in an instant. So much that I didn't care if Cheng was using me because-

Without realizing it, Cheng's passionate hands slid under my hoodie, and I sighed, a mix between pain and pleasure, relieved as the knots in my muscles were slowly looked at. But I abruptly got back to reality when Cheng moved towards my ribcage, caressing my chest so delicately that it didn't feel even real.

“Cheng?” I asked, clenching his wrists firmly. “I- I'm not gay.” 

“You aren’t?” he asked me rhetorically, chuckling next to my ear. Cheng agilely turned me over so that we could face, starting to caress my chest under my clothes while leaning toward my neck, kissing it softly while pulling my hoodie down enough to show my collarbone. I froze in place when I realized what was happening, but it was too late when I saw how his eyes changed from lustrious to deep disappointment and anger. 

Oh, Lord.

“Who the fuck did this to you?!” Cheng shouted at me, throwing me on the floor and immobilizing me with his weight on my hips. He removed my hoodie and t-shirt, then he pressed my arms next to my face, looking at me shocked and… hurt?

“I-I can explain!” I mumbled, trying to push him back. 

The marks of ropes, bites, hickeys and whips wounds were not really helping me at the moment, but I felt the urge to tell him that I did not agree to that and that I was sorry for breaking his expectation of me and trust. 

But how could I?