April 9, 2013

I started my day relatively easy today. I helped with the chores, and I listened to Janine bicker about me. It's the same shit here in the Lee household. I spent some of my time talking to Ivan after he got in some arguments with his mother again. He reassured me that my resentment toward his mother is valid and that I should just keep cultivating it inside of me. I really look up to him a lot. There are few people out there who would be so open about their feelings. The world is filled with plastic people and fake smiles and forced kindness. These things get even more obvious when others look at me. The only people who are ever real to me are my uncle and my cousin Ivan.

Ivan invited me to his room when I finished doing some light laundry. I absolutely adored his room. It says a lot about his personality. The room's walls are painted black, there are a lot of very intense-looking band posters all over the place, and I can see A LOT of vinyl and CDs neatly placed on shelves around his bed. Ivan showed me some of them and made me listen to his favorite bands like Yes and King Crimson. I can't quite understand some lyrics, though, but I can definitely see why Ivan would love their songs. They have this mellow and bizarre atmosphere in them that makes me feel both melancholic and excited. It's a foreign feeling. Especially when he made me listen to a King Crimson song entitled 21st Century Schizoid Man, it's filled with dread and angst and fear. After listening to the song, I can almost feel like tearing up, but the pounding of my heart prevented this from happening. Ivan told me he knew how it felt because that's how he felt, too, when he first listened to these songs. It seemed like he was thrilled about what he saw when he watched me listen to his favorite songs.

After that, he made me listen to the songs on his YouTube playlist. He told me he couldn't buy the CDs for these bands because his mom would throw them away. Apparently, Janine firmly believes that some bands create devil songs. Ivan then told me to listen to the songs in his YouTube playlist on full volume while wearing his HUGE headphones on, which I excitedly complied to do. One particular song that he really wished to make me listen to is the song entitled Down With the Sickness, which I swear I already heard somewhere. However, my stomach churned a bit while I'm listening to the song as I looked at the maniacal smile that's plastered all over Ivan's face. I felt a sudden tremor creeping through my veins. It was a very weird feeling. Especially around the part of the song where the singer started screaming and yelling almost incoherently. I felt strange, but maybe I am just not a fan of this song. No. I liked the song. I am just not fond of the part where the singer started going berserk. Of course, I didn't convey my displeasure to my cousin. I know how much these songs meant to him, and I didn't want to ruin his moment. I told him I liked the song, and the excited look on his face made me so, so happy that I said it. He then hugged me and told me we might be cousins, but he treats me as his 'blood brother.' I found it kinda weird, but being called a blood brother sounded so cool that I happily cheered after hearing it!

My cousin Ivan was then about to make me listen to more of his favorite songs, and I was, of course, excited to hear more. However, that was when my uncle knocked on his door and asked us if I was in the room. Ivan then showed a bright grin on his face upon hearing my uncle's voice. I can already tell that he likes his father more than his mother. Uncle then walked inside the room and politely asked us what we were doing. Ivan replied and said that we're just listening to some of his favorite songs. Uncle then started to look excited but immediately changed the topic. My uncle said that he wanted me to buy some groceries. He apologized for making me do this, but he really insisted with a somewhat regretful expression that he would have done it himself if it weren't for the sudden thing that occurred on his job. I happily accepted this little chore. My uncle was glad to hear this and gave me a list of things I should buy. Not a lot. I already forgot about it, actually. Ivan then asked his father if he could come with me so that we could continue our chat. Uncle was about to accept when he immediately shook his head and reminded Ivan of his 'church chores.' I still don't know what that is, but I'm guessing that it has something to do with his job. I'm not sure what Uncle and Ivan's jobs are. It's not like I have any right to be nosy about it, anyway. So oh well. 

Ivan then gave out a regretful expression before accepting what his father had said with a scoff. My uncle then patted his head; I went to the grocery after that—uncle stayed inside of Ivan's room.

Going to the supermarket went fine. Nothing else really happened.

Actually, something did happen. I can't believe I almost let it pass by my head.

I met the guy named Lucas Buckley today in the supermarket. Nothing weird happened. Our meeting occurred out of pure coincidence. I was walking around the supermarket while pushing a trolley when I bumped into Lucas. He was looking at his phone with a scowl. It took him a while before he recognized me, but when he did, he pointed his fingers at me and snapped them like he just had a eureka moment. He looked decent today, unlike his menacing vibe yesterday. Maybe it was because he looked like a mafia don when we met at the convenience store? He was wearing something casual today: a loose long-sleeve shirt with faded green color and a pair of denim pants and black rubber shoes. So simple that I can still remember it now, even when a few hours had already passed. When I locked eyes with him, he immediately shoved his phone in his pocket and smiled at me. I was feeling a bit scared and uncomfortable at this point.

Lucas then approached me but immediately stepped back away from me before saying that he doesn't have any ill intention, and he just wanted to be friendly. Lucas said that he was still sorry about what happened yesterday, and it was a real dick move for him to say something sexually inappropriate to a stranger and that he wanted to make amends. He then extended his hands towards me, and I very cautiously shook it. Lucas did nothing weird, unlike what I had expected. He also seemed very sincere about his apology earlier. Lucas then explained that he cracked that joke to make me feel less wary of him but quickly realized the apparent sexual harassment he had made in that same joke. Lucas expressed that when he thought about it, he realized that the joke wasn't even funny. He said that he just wanted to get along with me, but it went off the wrong way. Lucas was very apologetic about it. He would say sorry whenever he had the chance to do so. Lucas kept repeating his apology until I started laughing at his forcefulness. 

I don't know why, but there's something about the way he smiled—it's so contagious. Maybe it's because his mouth would appear so big on his face whenever he flashed a smile, and I can't help but look at the bright grin he's sporting throughout our conversation. It was really charming. He's also very witty and knows how to banter well. I can't remember what he said, but I remembered laughing hard when he said it. Something about how he's older now and how his time was so much more indifferent when it comes to those kinda indecent jokes. He also elaborated about how he's changing his mindset for the better, and what happened yesterday between us was a massive help for him in becoming better. It's way funnier when he said it. He also implied that he's old when he said those words. He looked about a few years older than me, though. Maybe that's part of the gag? Oh well.

I was then about to leave, so I told him that I still have some things to do. Lucas quickly let me go and cracked some jokes here and there, which are all hysterical.

Before I left, though, he asked me if I wanted to go with him and have some late lunch. He said we could dine at McDonald's if I wanted something casual. No big deal, he said. He kept repeating it throughout his invitation—no big deal. I politely declined, and Lucas didn't press on this matter anymore. We then went our separate ways.

I then went home and saw that Janine is screaming again. It seemed to be coming from Ivan's room. I noticed that my uncle is not in the house at that moment, so there was no one there to moderate their heated emotions. It was a rather nasty argument. I didn't want to eavesdrop, but the loudness of their voice made it impossible not to listen to the full intensity of their fight at full throttle. Something about music. Apparently, Janine saw Ivan listening to 'Satan music.' Ivan then calmly and politely explained to Janine that he's just enjoying these songs because he liked them and not because he's possessed by Beelzebub or something. Janine didn't like Ivan's civil defense and told her son to never talk back to her ever again. This went on for so long until I heard a loud cracking noise. It sounded like something was being smashed to pieces. Silence then took over the house. After that, Janine told Ivan something like, "that's what you get for messing with your mother!" or something along those lines. Ivan didn't retort any further.

I finished doing my chores after a few minutes when their fight ended, so I decided to check on Ivan if he's feeling okay. I saw my cousin sitting on the edge of his bed while massaging his temples. I then saw his headphones on the ground. Broken. His most prized possession is now nothing but bits and pieces on the ground. It looked like it was trampled and stepped on until it turned into nothing but junk below our feet. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said he was fine and that he appreciated me checking up on him. He then embraced me tightly again and casually gave my neck a smooch. This must be something that siblings often do. I regularly saw some scenes on internet shows and anime series that showed how close brothers are and how they would kiss each other to show a sense of closeness. I never had a sibling, so I never knew. Plus, it's not like I leave my house anyway for me to know. Does this mean that Ivan thinks of me as his little brother? I found that thought comforting. I then left his room when he said that he wanted to be left alone. After that, I started writing this journal entry! 

It's a quiet night. But I'm sure this stillness I get to enjoy leisurely would break into pieces once my uncle came home—just like those headphones that Janine ever so audaciously destroyed.