Dear Iris,

I don’t know if telling you how you made me feel will help anything. Perhaps it would be cathartic. So we’ll start with the kiss. After the initial shock, it was just empty? I don’t know what you were feeling at the time but it wasn’t a shared experience. Your confession. It would have definitely gone better without the “girlfriend” word being used. But there is no way you could have confessed that would have succeeded.

I love you Iris. I love you, not like a sister, or a friend, but as a part of me. Without you I am not whole. Like platonic soulmates?

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Noa grumbled as the alarm went off. They had fallen asleep writing. They packed the letter into their school bag and got ready for school. They looked at the mirror and considered taking the sweater again. They shook their head and decided to push through as is. Ciel knocked on the door and Noa came out, ready to go.

“No escort from Em today?” Noa asked with a light smile as the two left the hall.

Ciel returned the smile, but hesitated to answer. They knew Em wouldn’t want Noa to know about his nightmare. “He, uh, something kept him up last night. He asked me to see if you were coming to DI?”

“Yes well, no point in continuing to run away.” Noa shrugged and walked beside Ciel. “I’ve been meaning to ask, could I get your mother to call mine? She’s interested in meeting you and maybe you could come with us this Saturday?”

Ciel’s smile faded and for a moment Noa was worried they’d said something wrong. “Uh, I guess. If you send me your mom’s number I can pass it on.” They didn’t look up at Noa again, and the walk continued in silence. They waved as Ciel stepped to the cafeteria, and Noa continued on to the DI office for their Wednesday morning meeting. Something nagged at the back of Noa’s mind, but they couldn’t quite figure it out.

As they sat to eat waiting for everyone else to show up they sent a text to Ciel with their mother’s name and number. Noa sat at their new presidential spot, the head of the conference table, and watched as the others came in. Eventually they spotted Em shuffling through the door. He did look half-asleep and disheveled compared to his usual self. But they couldn’t pay too much attention as the secretary was talking excitedly about their upcoming surgery.

Noa reached their hand out to him and held it tight. “I am so happy for you! Your family wasn’t understanding, at first, right?”

“Well it was much easier than it would have been 20 or 30 years ago, and they weren’t phobic or anything, just had a hard time changing my name and pronouns. My older sister was my champion. Even if she was mad at me, she didn’t let anyone disrespect my choices.” Jason smiled at the memories.

“I’m glad. You’re going to be discussing your journey before surgery?” Noa asked as they took their hand back to continue eating.

“I wanted to, but it seems we’re booked! So it’s set for after recovery,” he blushed at the extra attention. “That reminds me,” Jason was interrupted by the look of shock on Noa’s face. He turned to see Trevor Simmons stepping into the room, a grimy sneer on his face as he made eye contact with Noa. When Jason turned back to Noa the look of shock was gone, but so was every other emotion.

Noa stood and called for the meeting to start. Em sat on a chair behind Jason since he was Jason’s assistant. Trevor ignored the call for taking a seat and approached Noa to give their notice from the office about his assignment to DI. Noa looked at it momentarily before passing it to Jason. Trevor was also assigned as an assistant to Jason since Jason would be on leave soon. Jason told him to sit beside Em and waited for Noa to start.

Noa had brief respites from Trevor’s presence as Jason made full use of him as a runner. Even when they didn’t need fifteen copies of something, Jason decided it was to be done. By the close of the meeting, Trevor seemed ready to buy a copier for the DI office. Officer assistants were left to the cleaning up after breakfast as everyone else stepped out. Noa wanted to wait for Em to go to calculus, but stepped around the corner to avoid Trevor. They pulled out their phone and found some messages from Jason.

Jason: The note from the office says Trevor will be the temp secretary while I am out.

Jason: I just want you to know I’m not going to let that happen.

Noa: Thank you. I don’t know what they’re thinking with this type of punishment.

Jason: Well, we got your back, Noa. I’ll make Em step in, at least, if I can’t get Trevor completely gone.

Noa: <3

Noa spied Trevor walking away, so they went to get Em, stopping as they heard him on the phone. They didn’t want to listen in, so they thought it would be best to make it known that they’re there. Noa stepped from around the corner and waved to Em. Em paused and just put one finger up, to indicate he’d be a minute. Noa turned towards calculus trying not to hear what they hear.

“Uh-yeah. Ciel will have a pass for Saturday. No, um, it’s just that we haven’t told anyone. Thank you. Bye.” Em watched Noa’s retreating back and wondered if they’d heard. He jogged to catch up, falling into step beside Noa. “Are we studying tonight?”

“Yeh,” Noa had a small smile, but was distracted. That thought they couldn’t remember, something about Ciel’s mother, parents? It was still nagging at them, especially since, well it sounded like Em had been on the phone with Noa’s mom. Out of habit they swiped their phone open and found a message from their mom. Yes, Ciel was allowed to join them Saturday. There was a sick feeling in their stomach as the thought finally caught up with them. “Even my parents called him by it.” Past tense.

“Are you ok? Noa? You look pale?” Em tugged on their sleeve.

They stopped walking and turned towards Em, their eyes darted around his face, his stance, everything, there was nothing there that gave it away. Noa took a breath and gathered their strength, “I-I’m ok. It was just…” talk about walls, they thought as they stalled, “Trevor really threw me off today. I’m sorry to worry you.”

Em drew back a bit, surprised they had admitted it. “Oh, uh, anything I can do?”

Noa wrinkled their brow in thought, switching gears from thinking of Ciel and Em’s parents to responding to the excuse they gave. “Yeh, keep him as far away from me as possible. That’s about it.”

They continued to class in silence.

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I think you’ve missed out on seeing how much you are my hero, Iris. Maybe I have hidden a lot from you, but in every dark moment, you were my light. I knew that if I had to wake up the next day, then at least you’d be there.

I admit I am afraid to let others in. But you’ve been in. You’re as close to inside as I’ve allowed anyone to get. I’ve messed it all up just as much as you have, though. Where maybe you weren’t thinking of “love” in its truest sense, this wall didn’t protect me from getting hurt, and in turn, it hurt you too.

I don’t know where we go from here. I need some time, some space. But I love you, and I miss you. I do forgive you. Just wait a little longer. I’ll be there.

Love always,

Noa Altwater