The AC churned out a fuzzy, mechanical “sshhing” sound right above Eliza’s head as she sat and stared at nothing. Her arms were goose-fleshing and body stiff from sitting for so long. This was one of her favorite lecture halls. It had plush blue seats all elevated to look down at the professor in the center of the room and a classic huge green blackboard at the front. It was just like what she imagined college would look like.

She took deep even breaths just like her therapist suggested. The room was completely empty, even the professor had left a couple minutes after the bell and Eliza was alone in the back. She didn’t normally sit by herself below the arctic AC blast, but she was told she always did get weird on test days. And test-return days. And essay days. And lab days.

And most days in general.

Her jaw hurt from clenching it and she knew Dr. Sofia would probably be disappointed in her. She had a bad feeling about this test though-- one that gnawed at her insides and ran it’s cold claws down her spine. Eliza slowly, steadily, and quiet bravely turned over her Biology test.

Eliza’s mouth became a hard flat line that could steamroll cities into pancakes. She picked up the three pages of paper and started folding them, first horizontally and then vertically. Over and over again she folded them with precise, careful movements. One edge after the next, one crease after another until it was just a boxy square of paper.

She always liked the feel of paper. Eliza was never any good at most arts and crafts growing up, like with everything else, she seemed to overthink it. She liked paper though-- paper mache and paper hats and paper dolls. She liked the way it bent and crinkled and almost musty smell. When her mom noticed the trance she got when working with the stuff she bought her a whole origami set. Eliza spent months and months learning to fold cranes and butterflies and little green frogs.

She folded up the paper now until it was the smallest thing imaginable and then stuffed into her backpack. She stood up and imagined herself to be a paper doll, thin and delicate with every part adjustable and making sense. A paper doll with no wrong edges. She moved her paper body up the stairs and back into the sunlight.

It was October, but that didn’t mean the Arizona sun was any less forgiving. She covered her eyes as it pierced through the clouds like an avenging force and felt herself moving without thinking. She was still light now, still paper.

Biology was her last class of the day, and also the last science credit she would ever have to take for the rest of her life. Eliza didn't mind science, but she liked art more, art made her a little less anxious. It soothed the scrapes inside of her instead of inflaming them.

Eliza walked across campus ignoring the shouts and chatter and good mood of the rest of the students. Midterms had barely started and most people were excited for Halloween and booze and the good weather.

Eliza practiced her breathing until she found a huge beige building with thick bushes on either side of the doors that you could fall into like a sandpit. She pushed her way inside the heavy double-doors and found the stairs headed toward the garden level.

The pottery studio on campus was a vast room with cement walls and a cement floor and smelled like clay and wet earth. It was peaceful as the light streamed through the motes of dust in the air and the students worked in silence.

A tall Asian girl with her hair clipped back in a butterfly pin stood in the corner. Another student, Cameron Eliza thinks, stood on the other side of the room, but Eliza paid her no mind. She made a beeline to where Joany was standing in front of a huge clay pot and thinking. Eliza didn’t make a sound, she just placed herself against the wall closest to Joany and crumpled to the ground. She made herself small, pressing her knees to her chest, and waited.

She watched Joany work for an hour. The other girl didn’t touch the pot that came up to her waist. It was perfectly bell-shaped with a thick lip at the top, but there were no designs in its flesh yet-- just blank canvas. Joany walked around and around the pot looking for something Eliza couldn’t see.

Eliza watched her and cleared her mind of thought. She made lists in her head of what she saw: dust in the air, clay on a table, an open door, tools, dirty hands. She heard music from someone’s headphones and voices upstairs. Eliza squeezed her eyes shut when it all became too much. When she was reminded that she was heavy flesh and blood and brain and not paper. That brain knocked on the inside of her skull like a cranky toddler: how will you-- failure-- idiot-- you’ll never--

“Hey,” A voice interrupted the angry radio static in Eliza’s head. She looked up. Joany strolled over and pushed her goggles onto her forehead. “Wanna get ice cream?” Eliza nodded and Joany put her hand out to help her out. “You look like shit, are you sure you’re feeling alright again?”

“I’m better.” She said hoarsely. It was Wednesday by then and her sore throat was all but a memory. She gave a shaky smile, “got a test back today.”

Joany just nodded and stripped her work gloves off. “Freaking out about another B?”

She shrugged. “Trying not.”

Joany patted her shoulder and sucked in a deep breath. “Ice cream.” Joany didn’t bother to clean herself up very much before she gave her pot one last scathing look, one you might give a faithless lover, and then they were out the door.

“That one just won’t tell me what the fuck it wants.”

Eliza studied her profile. “You’ll get it.” She smiled. “You always do.”

Joany lifted an eyebrow as they went up the steps back to campus. “Lemme text Seb to meet us there. Marcos?”

“Marcos.” Eliza nodded and they started their trek off campus. Their steps lined up together like Storm Troopers on the march and Eliza stretched her stiff arms toward the pale afternoon skies.

“Did the breathing exercises help?” Joany asked in a soft voice after a few minutes.

Eliza looked away. “About as much as anything else.”

Joany crushed her with a fierce look. “You know you’re brilliant, right? Absolutely fucking brilliant. A mind at work.”

“Oh shut up.” Eliza softly laughed and pushed her away. “That last line you stole from Hamilton.”

Joany lifted her chin proudly. “Borrowed.”

Eliza exhaled. “I’m working on it. Just… tell me about your thesis project with the pots.”

“I want to break them in a performance piece at the end.”

“See, but you always say that.” She met her gaze steadily. “But you never do break them at the end.”

Joany crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m working up to it.”

Eliza lifted her chin up, “It’s too much of a cliche!’

“Art is the most beautiful when it’s fleeting.”

They bickered about the concept of shattering your own art until they made their way over to a small strip mall near the river. It had fairy lights down the path and tiny colorful shops all pushed together like a chain-link fire hazard.

They found their way to their favorite place: Marco’s Ice Cream. It was more like a hole in the wall than it was a proper room, but it had three tables to offer and four more outside. The walls were bubblegum pink and the tables outside were wooden and sometimes gave you splinters. Now and then they bullied freshmen off the inside tables by talking loudly about a foot fetish neither of them actually had.

They settled for an outdoor table this time though and Eliza collapsed again under the wait of her radio static brain. You’ll never-- you can’t-- She shook it all loose. “Should we wait for Seb?”

“That boy is always late.” Joany lamented and stood up. “The usual?”

“Sure.”

Eliza fiddled with her hands and ended up shredding a loose napkin into bits and it was almost as good as folding it. It was basically white powder snow by the time Joany came back with a toffee ice cream and a peaches and cream one. Eliza reached out for her peach one.

“That bad?” Joany looked at her shredded paper napkin. “Between getting sick and the teeth thing maybe you should just take a vacation. You’re self-detonating, girl.” She handed over the ice cream and Eliza took a huge spiteful bite. It was cold and subtly sweet, a thick cream with bits of peach embedded in it.

“It’s fine.” She took another bite. “I’ve got this.”

Joany made a face at her. “I know you’re only biting it to annoy me, perhaps to destroy me even. Certainly ruin my whole entire day.” Eliza stuck her tongue out at her and took another purpose bite with her front teeth. Joany scowled. “I hate you.”

“I thought I was brilliant?” She teased.

“Brilliant as an evil scientist.” Joany sighed. “There’s got to be something you can do to blow off steam besides bite ice cream like a fiend.” Joany’s eyes lit up. “Want to help me break my pots?”

Eliza shook her head. “Your work is too good to destroy. I’d spend the whole time worrying some more.” She sniffed. “And the clean-up. My God.”

“Ugh.” Joany rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I’m just glad you didn’t go to work after you got that killer fever. Seb bet me five bucks you’d go and pass out on the job.”

Eliza went very pale and stopped mid-bite. “I probably would’ve.” She fidgeted. “My roommate helped.” Her eyes flicked up and down. “She’s uh, actually really cool…”

“Okay?” Joany squinted at her.

Eliza bit her bottom lip. “There is something I kinda just learned though?” Something squirmed in her gut and she took another bite of ice cream. She had been keeping it to herself for days now, but Mickey said it was fine to tell people that she fully trusted. She had been waiting for a moment to discuss it with her friends though.

“What?” Joany leaned on the table.

“I dunno.” Eliza rubbed the back of her neck. “It’s personal. But I’ve also been thinking about it? Not in a weird way! But it’s been on my mind.”

Joany wrinkled her brow in. “Okay. Now you definitely have to tell me.” Her smile stretched into something wide and abrasive. “Is it something juicy? Is it like a secret relationship with a professor?”

“I just don’t know what to do about it,” Eliza went on. “I mean, I’m fine with it. Totally fine, but maybe I should. Support her?”

“Is it a baby?” Her eyes went wide, “A secret baby…”

Eliza scoffed, “You watch too many TV soap operas.”

“Tell me,” Joany kicked her lightly under the table.

“You have to promise not to tell anyone else.” Eliza sucked on her bottom lip and felt her ice cream leaking onto her knuckles. “And be cool.”

“I’m always cool!” Joany’s eyes were huge now. “You never have any gossip, hit me with it. I won’t tell.”

Eliza looked left and right and then bent forward. “Okay,” she leaned into her ear. “You know what a camgirl is?”

“What?” Joany’s entire face broke into a scandalized “o.” “For real? She’s a camgirl?!”

“Keep your voice down!” Eliza hissed at her just as a new figure approached.

“Ladies!” A short boy in track shorts and frayed band shirt waved at them. “What is up?”

Joany turned in one fluid movement. “Eliza’s roommate is an online stripper!”

“Jesus, Joany!”

She threw her hands up. “I mean, what the fuck, right?”

“You are too happy about this.” Eliza licked her ice cream as it melted onto her fingers.

Seb looked between the two of them. “What?” He made a face. “Alright, watch my skateboard. I’m getting ice cream and then we’re having an old-fashioned sit down blow out.”

Eliza looked away. “I’m just still trying to figure out how I feel about it.”

“Do you know her website?”

“No.” Eliza lied. “Just that she uses it to pay for rent and she must have at least a small following for that.”

“Wow.” Joany tipped her face up toward the sunlight. “A real life harlot with a heart of gold.”

“Don’t be weird, Joany.” Eliza grumbled and started eating her ice cream cone. “It’s just like any other job.” Eliza kept chewing as she parroted Mickey’s words.

“How did she tell you?” Joany asked curiously.

Eliza’s mouth fell open. “Uuuuh.”

“Hold your roll!” Seb came out quickly with his two scoops piled high. “I want to hear whatever this is. Did you say Eliza’s roommate is a stripper?”

“A camgirl!” She growled. “Not that I would care if she was a stripper either.”

“Right, right,” Seb nodded, “and she just told you this? Like, today?”

Eliza looked away as her two best friends looked expectantly at her. “Sunday…”

“She was just like, good morning roomie,” Seb pantomimed the interaction, “I take off my clothes for bitcoin.”

“Did she offer to put you in one of her videos?” Joany gave her a mischievous grin. “Is that why she brought it up?”

“No! Jesus,” Eliza’s face was starting to burn hot again. She dare not summon that ideal from the bowels of mount doom into her consciousness. “I’m just thinking it through. I’ve never known anyone with a job like hers.”

“So she was just like, good morning roomie.” Seb blundered on ahead. “Please don’t ever use my computer--”

“Wait, did you find her online?” Joany was almost cackling. “Like, you randomly came across your hot naked roommate on some sketchy site?”

“Come on, this is Eliza, she doesn’t google porn.” Seb started licking his birthday cake ice cream.

“She could have hit an ad by accident!” Joany defended.

Eliza pouted and sank into her seat, “I could google porn, you know.”

“We know, my lamb.” Seb winked. “You could google night time hand holding, the series.”

Eliza crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m never telling you guys shit after this.”

“Tell us.” They pestered her for the rest of the meal until the sun was threatening to go down and Eliza sighed and pushed her hair back.

“I just think she’s cool,” she said back. “And I don’t want to make a fool of myself when it comes to her job.”

“Just google it.” Seb said with a sigh. “How to be polite to ladies of the night. Also sounds like your type of porn.”

Eliza pinched his arm. “I’m going to get into straight-up dungeon BDSM one day and it’ll be all on you Sebastian Gomez. It’ll be right on your conscience.”

Seb snorted. “I knew a guy who wanted to tie me up once. Real weirdo, but damn was he pretty smooth when it came to--”

“What did we say about talking about your sex life?” Joany put a hand up.

“Not while you’re not getting any?”

“Precisely.”

Eliza sighed and let them argue while she looked off toward the bloody orange death of the sun on the horizon. “She said she mentions me on it.” She cocked her head to the side, “I don’t know what to do with that either.”

“You’ve got to google her.” Seb came back to Eliza. “We absolutely have to find this chick online.”

Joany leaned forward, “You really don’t know her handle or the site?”

Eliza shook her head. “But why would I look her up?” She wrinkled her nose. “It’d get weird. Like really weird. I live with her!”

“Only if you let it get weird.” Seb winked. “Come on, don’t tell me you’re not a little curious.”

Eliza’s face smoldered slightly, and at least she had forgotten her subpar grades for the moment. “I’m not curious.” She lied again, and tried not to entertain the ideal of finding her roommate anywhere online. “I’m not curious at all.”