Paul

“So?” Sarah asks.

“So what?” Paul asks absentmindedly, finishing his maths equation.

He is sitting on his bed with Sarah, who came to ‘avoid distractions during homework’ – which is slightly offensive – and they both have a different textbook open in front of them.

“What is life with a boyfriend like?”

Paul shrugs.

“Oh, come on! I’m sure you tell Amy all about it.”

“I don’t tell Amy all about it,” Paul replies. But he closes his maths homework. He knows that Sarah sometimes needs him to show her that she is still his number one girl, and he’d rather talk about Ben than look at more numbers. “But I’ll humor you. What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know. Anything, I guess. I mean, this whole thing is crazy. I still need to wrap my head around Ben Carter being into you.” Paul glares at her, but she ignores him. “It’s just new. That the two of you would be gay and into one another. It’s… it’s like a ‘meant to be’ story, and those are not supposed to exist!”

“I don’t know about ‘meant to be’,” Paul tempers, “but it’s nice.”

“You do look happy,” she agrees and, coming from her, it says a lot. “So… when did you know it was him?”

“What do you mean?”

“We were all pretty sure that there was something between you and Louie. Not just because of the picture, but… you were cute together. So when did you know that you actually wanted Ben?”

“You know… that first party, when someone took that picture… there was something between me and Louie. If I hadn’t met Ben, I think I would have gone out with him when he asked me after the play. But Ben… I don’t know. Part of me has been attracted to him since he moved here. He’s the perfect mix of hot, cute, kind, humble…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. He’s a catch.”

“It’s more than that, though. From the first time we had a conversation, there has been this bond and quiet understanding between us. I’ve always felt like I could be me and that was enough. And… I don’t know… I had the impression that there is something about him that’s worth discovering... Even now, when he already is that wonderful, I know that there is so much more for me to find out.” Paul pauses when he sees Sarah pretend to be sick. “Shut up! So… what about you? Anyone in mind?”

A shadow passes on Sarah’s face and her smile fades slightly. ‘No, I… no. Nobody.”

Paul isn’t entirely sure that it’s the entire truth, but he lets it go. In her own time.

It’s Saturday night. Most teenagers are going to a party, going out to have fun, or – like pre-relationship Paul – catching up on homework. But because Paul is the luckiest teenager on the planet, he is cozied up against his boyfriend, in said boyfriend living room, watching a superhero movie. Paul doesn’t care much about the superhero movie, but Ben likes it and Paul has a soft spot for everything Ben likes. He is cheesy like that.

Ben’s mother is in her office, her door cracked open. From there, she can’t see them, and she probably can’t really hear them either. It’s more a reminder that she’s in the house and that clothes are not optional.

Not that Paul and Ben are there yet. There have been a few making out sessions. Intense, hot make-out sessions. But their hands haven’t even traveled south yet. Paul thinks about it a lot. He has many fantasies about his boyfriend. Asleep and awake. But there is this massive gap between wanting something in theory and being ready for it in practice.

Paul’s back is against Ben’s chest. Ben’s arms around him make him feel warm, safe and happy. From time to time, Ben rubs his nose in Paul’s hair, plays with his fingers, or caresses his arm. Every time, Paul wishes the movie wasn’t nearly over, that he didn’t have a curfew, and that this moment would continue forever.

Paul tries to focus on the movie, but he’s lost track a little bit and he doesn’t remember the names of some characters. That’s fine, he’ll focus on the handsome, muscular men fighting to save the world.

But his mind doesn’t want to focus on the movie. It keeps going back to the conversation he had with Sarah. Especially the moment she asked him how long he knew about Ben being gay. And Paul realizes that he never asked Ben when he knew about him.

“Babe?”

“You have no intention to watch the rest of the movie quietly, do you?”

Paul shrugs. “Do you want me to stay quiet?”

“No.” Ben lowers the sound of the TV. It’s quiet enough that they can focus on their conversation more than the world ending, but loud enough that Ben’s mother won’t be able to eavesdrop.

“Why me?”

“Paul, you will have to be slightly more specific.”

“Out of all the boys… why did you pick me?”

Ben buries his forehead in Paul’s neck and Paul leans even closer. “When I moved school, I felt completely lost. I’m not the best at making new friends. But there was Max and even though he gave me the absolute worst first impression at camp, we bonded quickly. Like he could see through me, and I was overwhelmed by how much more he is than he lets people see, you know? Anyway. Thanks to our friendship, I ended up at our lunch table. And that first lunch… actually no… that day I met you in the parking lot… I’ll always remember it.”

“Why?”

“Because of the way you look at people. Like you care so much about the person in front of you. No one does that. But I was new here and I really didn’t want to start having a crush on someone, so I tried to ignore it. But then we started having lunch together all the time and… you’re just pure light, you know that, right?” Paul does not know that. “You smile like it’s your resting face, you always see the silver lining in things, you’re funny, and… even when my stupidly shy self took over and I was unable to speak to you like a normal human being, it still felt like you saw me. I don’t know… the more I was trying to ignore my crush, the bigger it was getting, and the more I hoped that you would actually see me. I just never thought it could actually turn into something.”

“Why not?”

“I thought I was ridiculous with my crush. I wasn’t even out, you had a known history with another guy and… I was just so awkward around you. Every lunchtime, I would just sit there and space out, staring at you. When I came out to him, Max told me that he already knew because of the way I was looking at you. I wasn’t sure why he never mentioned it, but he told me that it was my thing to share with him, not his thing to pry on. But still… there I was with my crush that was starting to be noticed by other people. So I just thought that I should at least try to talk to you instead of pining like an idiot.”

“Is that why you finally talked to me at the party?”

“Yeah, I guess so. And I was so happy. It was going so well! I could feel something between us that I had never felt with anyone. For the first time, I thought that, maybe, I was enough. I was so close to not being afraid anymore… I was just about to ask you out. And then Amy showed up, saying that Louie was there, and you just… left. I felt like an idiot for thinking I could have you. It was heartbreaking, really.”

“Ben…”

“No, that’s fine. Now that we had our happy ending, I’m actually sort of glad about it. You picked me over your crush. Everyone was pushing you toward Louie, who you probably knew better than me despite having lunch together, and you still came after me when I left the play early. As if I wasn’t the only one to feel that bond between us, and that you wanted to find out if it was real too… So… anyway… that’s pretty much why I chose you. Because you were the only choice that made sense. There wasn’t even a choice, actually. It’s almost like… it was you and I didn’t even question it.”

Paul brushes his fingers against the back of Ben’s hand and the other boy links their fingers together. If Sarah had heard that conversation, she would have thrown up for real. But Paul has never felt so happy. He wishes he could see himself through Ben’s eyes. He also wishes Ben could see himself the way Paul does… that would destroy all of the insecurities he has about himself.

Paul turns his head around and kisses Ben’s throat. “You know… if you had asked me out at Max’s party, even if it were our first real conversation, I would have said yes. You’re right. I felt that bond too.”

Ben’s face goes even softer and he suddenly looks really emotional. “I’m so grateful for you…” he whispers. “You know… when I came out to my mother, I told her that I was in love with a boy, but that wasn’t it. That was just butterflies, me trying to understand that link between us, and a bit of jealousy because you left me for Louie, but… that wasn’t it. Yet.” Ben swallows and looks at Paul with a fire in his eyes that Paul isn’t quite sure how to interpret. “Paul, I love you.”

Paul always thought that he would experience a whirlpool of emotions when he heard those words for the first time. That’s not the case, however. Instead, he feels calm. He can feel serenity fill his mind as the rest of the world disappears. There is nothing left but Ben’s brown eyes and his soft words that seem to be lingering in the air.

“Ben, I’m so in love with you, you have no idea.”

Ben pulls Paul in for a kiss, and it’s a bit less careful than it should be with Ben’s mother a few feet away, and the movie nearly reaching the end of the credits – Paul did not pay any sort of attention to the ending, but he assumes that the world is saved – but none of them seems to care.

Paul needs to kiss his wonderful boyfriend who loves him, and whom he loves.

It’s only been a couple of months, so Paul guesses that they are still in what people call ‘the honeymoon phase’, but things just keep getting better and better. He is confident they will manage to stay in their honeymoon phase forever.

Paul pulls Ben closer, and he is more than happy to oblige, grabbing his boyfriend’s hips.

They jump apart when they hear Ben’s mother clear her throat. She is standing by the doorframe, and she looks half-amused, half not. That second half is frightening.

“I believe that the movie is over, boys. And I promised Alison that Paul would be home on time. I’ll let you finish saying goodbye, but Paul needs to be on his way in five minutes.”

“Sure,” Paul replies. “That was the plan.” It was most definitely not.

“Great. Good night boys.”

“Good night, Mom.”

“Good night Mrs. Carter. Thank you again for dinner.”

“You are welcome. And thank your mother for sending you here with flowers.”

She leaves the room. Ben’s mother is very nice, and she really seems to like Paul, but he still finds her terrifying. He doesn’t feel like kissing anymore, so he just smiles at Ben and squeezes his hand. “I think I’m gonna go now.”

“It’s probably best, yes. I’ll text you in the morning.”

“Sounds great. Good night, Babe.” And because he can say it now, he adds “I love you.” And it feels so great to say it and see Ben’s eyes sparkle with joy.

“I love you too.”

Okay. So. Maybe it’s even better to hear it.