"Forget and live. We have been two phantoms passing by, nothing is eternal. I love you Luca, my sweet little brother."

Each day I graze with my fingers the yellow page like suddenly new words appeared. I know well that in this diary never will be written again, it belonged to my beloved brothers, but both are long gone from this world, letting me behind, to live like nothing happened, like they never existed and marked my childhood.

Sometimes I hated them both for what they did, but after a few minutes guilt took over me. I have no right to hate them; they died and suffered, especially Ivan, losing his mind in an end. I wasn't enough to save him.

Another page and it was empty, waiting for new words to be written. This diary will always be incomplete, like me; the moment I saw one by one die before my eyes and my heart pulled and shredded by him.

I close my eyes and before I would still visualize his light blue eyes and his smile. The diary slipped between my fingers on the bed, opening on a ripped page.

"He has that page," I murmured to myself. I bet that it was long lost with my Ivan's inner thoughts in it.

Ten years. That much passed but I never forgot. I tried to live and love again, but as I always said since childhood," karma is a bitch."

Ivan you don't know how much I needed you...

"Tyler!" I opened my eyes and jumped fast from the bed, scattering my thoughts. The moment I open my best friend's door, my brother who practically took me under his wing, my heart started to ache. He tossed in bed, sobbing in his sleep. He was pale and looking vulnerable.

He relapsed in a short time the way was before, when we met, he was destroying himself once again. Tyler was his pillar but now it crumbled.

I walked slowly and sat near him stroking his back.

"It is okay Theodore, wake up..." I whispered to him. He gripped from the sheets and opened his eyes abruptly staring at me with his amber eyes. Theodore blinked a few times before sinking his head in the pillow, refusing to look at me.

"I'll make you something sweet before leaving for work, you want?"

He shook his head rejecting my offer. He barely ate lately and it was starting to show on his body that aspect.

He was an energetic guy and now he was numb and sleeping most of the day or crying. "I'll make you anyway, you'll eat when you will awake, promise this..." I continued stroking his back, but not a single reply. Glancing at him he seemed like he felt back to sleep, but I knew well he was faking just to let him alone.

I stood up, sighting. I'll fuck that shit to pieces if doesn't pull himself together and comes back home, near his husband, fighting to get back their son.

Staring through the kitchen I noticed beside a bottle of scotch which Sky brought after confiscated from some kids at school and some old lasagna wasn’t much.

"Guess I'll have to buy something sweet..."

"I brought..." I heard someone voice and I startled not letting him finish, while a loud shout came from my mouth, feeling my heart nearly breaking my ribs cage. I turned around and it was David who was dressed in a nice black suit and had in both of his hands two full bags with groceries.

"Fuck you..." I trailed off feeling my legs like being made from jelly.

"I'm sorry, I should have called first." He stared at me having a pleading look into his eyes. David passed near me and placed the bags on the table. "Sky asked me to do some shopping for you guys."

"Thanks," I mumbled feeling a bit shaken and rubbing the back of my head, smiling.

"No problem." He said glancing at his watch. "I should not scare you knowing that..." I made him a sign to not continue and he nodded. He smiled and walked away not before checking Theo and his eyes were filled with worry.

I walked him until the door and waved.

After a shower, brushing my teeth, the usual routine, I took a piece of bread and made myself a sandwich and to Theodore wrote a small note telling him that has food in the fridge, knowing well that he will not get down from the bed or eat.

Staring at the clock I noticed that I had enough time so I decided to make a stop before going to my work place, the school I loathed. Trembling, I opened the door and walked fast toward the car, watching in each direction and stepped in fast, igniting the engine.

Twenty minutes later I stepped down from Theodore's car and breathed the hot hair of a summer morning. Hot, but fresh with a scent of fresh grass and flowers. I started to walk and everything was surrounded by flowers, making this place alive and filled with color.

Ivan would have loved to see Leiv grave surrounded by flowers like it was his. I stepped and kneed in front of my brother stone. Lately I came by more often, missing him, especially when his birthday was barely a few days ago.

He and Leiv would have made both twenty eight. I couldn't believe how ten years flew so fast. "You should have fought harder big brother..." I mumbled nearly to a whisper toward the ground, touching the grass with my forehead. "I brought Theo, like every year he cried. This year was worse. Oh! Ivan, he is not well at all, I do not want to..." I stopped feeling my tears slipping down. "Ivan I miss you so much, I should have shown more, to be near you in those moments, I love you." I started to yell to an emotionless and cold stone, which was written my brother's name, only that which after death it didn’t mean anything.

After half an hour I pulled myself to stand up and walk back, letting him all alone.

The way back to school was me falling in my thoughts, blocking all the bad ones, which haunted my nights, making me unable to sleep.

The moment I arrived at the school I pulled out the key and I just stood lean back on the seat, glancing at the students passing my car, trying to find a reason to go down. It was lunch and most instead of eating in the cafeteria were out.

I opened the door and then his annoying voice pierced my ears.

"I'm a snuggler..."

I bit my cheek and curse in my mind. That fucker has my bracelet I gave to Theodore like a farewell gift and he doesn't remember from where he received being happy now with his “mommy”.

"Slow down with that deadly glare..." I heard Sky’s voice and turned. "You're acting worse than a five year old child who has lost his toy."

I mumbled something and walked away hearing his footsteps behind me.

"Could you leave me alone?" I sneered.

"No!" He simply replied and in my corner of the eye I could see Chris nearly climbing on the kid with black hair, which I could swear he reminds me a bit of him but with his brother's attitude, a full fledge bully.

"That kid has a death wish for sure," I said, trying to change the subject of what was about to start. Sky and me and talking about my dreams, my fears, my memories of a certain time that supposedly I lost, when my ass was kicked that bad that went in a coma by him.

All I did was lie and lie. I didn't want to talk about that period. He should just back off!

"Yes, his condition has been getting worse lately... Mickael." Sky called me name after a short pause and ran ahead of me stopping me. He glances into my stormy green eyes and pat my shoulder. "Give that child a break and stop being an ass with him; soon he will need all of us."

I nodded and pushed Sky from my sight.

I stopped and turned a bit noticing his empty stare the moment all pulls away from his grip. Same eyes I had when I was nearly his age and still have. His smile fades away and stared blankly. His eyes were always on Anthony.

He just fell in love with the wrong person which will step over him the moment he will get bored, if not already happen.

"Why did you spaced out?" Sky asked me cheerfully.

"I didn't. I was just thinking about why Anthony is not with that kid today like usual..."

"Awww, you do care about him." He said, mocking me.

"I do not care..." My words came out like a whine. I push him aside harder and storm toward the gym, where my class should start in ten minutes.

All I did was watch a bunch of kids running in a circle or play different sports. A yelp made me raise my head and again, Christopher, nearly humping the kid from early.

"Oh! I got someone mad. JD you're so cute when you clench your jaw and have that sexy and angry look in your eyes." He shouted while he was pulled back by James.

"Christopher," I shouted to him and made a sign to approach. He came jumping around toward me, smiling like a madman.

"Mr. Muller, what can this steamy boy and delicious can do for you?"

I rolled my eyes thinking for a second why I called him instead of just letting him get beat by two angry kids/

"Get those balls back in the room and stop fooling around."

He saluted me and dashed toward the four soccer balls, making me chuckle a bit looking at him how he was losing it all.

After that, the last two hours passed slowly. Staring at the watch a bad feeling started to impregnate in my mind. I started to feel agitated and I could not calm myself. Like forgetting something, but I brushed the feeling away, focusing on my students.

"I'm off..." I shouted to Sky passing near his office while he waved, feeling flushed and talking to the phone. "Pervert". I shouted and he took out his tongue to me.

The moment I opened the door, what I saw before my eyes made my heart clenched. Theodore nearly passed out near the sofa with the bottle in his arms. I rushed toward him and took him in my arms, rushing toward the shower, while he was mumbling Tyler's name.

He couldn't drink again. It could kill him...

I placed him in the cabin and let the cold water fall upon us, as slowly he opened his eyes and his body shook hard. I wrapped my arms around him, while he sunk his face in my chest, sobbing hard.

"I'm a bad person and I do not deserve to be happy..." Theodore sppke between sobbing and I could barely understand him. I saw him drunk before and I know why he did it. To be numb. I rock his tiny body in my arms back and forth, caressing his back, feeling his body shaking, unable to stop his pain.

Suddenly he pushed himself away hard from my arms, emptying his stomach near us. He touched the cold floor and dirty floor with his forehead, trembling.

"I beg you Theo, don't harm yourself again... "I said feeling the tears forming and my voice shaking. "You must fight for those two little twin boys you adopted with Tyler and love you like you're their entire world... Don't let them see you like you abandoned them, Like Tyler, you're better than him, he ran away. Don't hide behind a glass of alcohol which will only make you forget until the effect is gone, then remain again you and the pain."

He curled in a ball, trembling while I shut down the water and pulled him back again in my arms, getting him in my room. I had to keep an eye on him better, then to lock him in his room, surrounded by all the memories.

Theodore starred in blank, while I undress him, revealing his skinny body and marks of nails through all his body, like trying to scratch away something it still stuck on him, even how much he tried. I lean and kiss his forehead, taking his hair away, while wrapping a bathroom towel around him and wiping his hair with another.

"Lay down..." I told him. Hardly had he done what I said. I kneel near the bed and pull a blanket, wrapping his body in it. I pulled my phone and dialed Sky number, but after few rings the voice mail entered, making me feel frustrated and annoyed.

"Sky, I need you. Theo drank again."

I left a simple message and shut down my phone to not disturb Theodore's sleep.

He tossed a few times and threw once before falling deeply asleep. I stood up feeling my body stiff and sat on the sofa letting my door open to see him. I opened the TV watching random things when all of the sudden my phone rang.

"I could swear I shut this thing down." I looked at the number and it was unknown. Shaking, I pressed and the voice from the other end made me froze and breathless.

"Did you miss me babe?"

At that moment I dropped the phone and could not breathe. How much I tried to scream, not a single word came out. He found me.

I felt a voice shouting my name and I squeezed my eyes. I could hear my voice and started to get confused. The TV was open while my door to my room closed. Before me Sky was holding me tight in his arms.

"It was just a dream Luca."

"Never call me like that, I discarded that name and everything which was connected with it, my past," I snarled, shaking and unable to let go of Sky arms.

"It is okay...he won't harm you anymore..."

Sky whispered in my ear, seeing how my door opened wide and a dizzy Theodore came out, with red eyes and wrapped in my blanket. His body was filled with sweat and shaking hard. He had a fever. I smile, reaching my hand toward him; while Sky got aside a bit, letting Theo slide between us and both embracing him. In an odd way, three idiots ended up living under the same roof.

"I promise I'll get stronger...

He teold us, while silently the night felt upon us, finding us in each of our arms, holding tight, each with our scars.