Reconciliation - Star of Bethlehem

Donovan

The best day of the year has started and I'm so excited. My mother and I might have overdone the decorations. We put lights in every part of the house, even the bathroom. I don't think it was safe, but we'd do anything to keep the aesthetic. The star at the top of the Christmas tree touched the roof. Every year, I got to put it up there.

As soon as I woke up, I took a shower and put on my Christmas sweater. I love it. It has Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer on it and his nose lights up. I added some jeans and my reindeer antlers.

I ran to the living room and I started to play Christmas carols while dancing around the house. If anyone were to see my like this, they'd think that something was very wrong with me, but it's Christmas! I continued dancing until I heard a shout.

"Donovan, turn it down. Why do you do this every year?!"

I laughed to myself, but I didn't turn it off. When my mother gets up, she's probably going to yell at me some more... and she did. When it was time to open the gifts, I sat quietly near the tree and my parents sat on the love seat. My mother distributed the gifts she bought first. She handed me a small red box and she gave my dad a small green box.

"Thanks!" I quickly opened it to find a paper saying Talk.

My dad opened his paper and it said the same thing. We confusedly looked at her.

"This has been going on for too long. Honey, I love you, but what you're doing to Donovan isn't right. I feel like I'm responsible because I let it go on for so long. When was the last time you had a proper conversation with him? Do you think that providing for him financially is enough? He needs a father, he needs you and it's not fair."

By the time she finished talking, her eyes were filled with tears. I didn't know how to comfort her and neither did he.

"I'm sorry," he choked out while trying to touch her. She instantly jerked away from this touch.

"Don't tell it to me. Tell it to the child you refused to talk. I love you, but I think... if this continues some major changes need to be made. I can’t be married to someone who doesn’t accept our child.”

“Lynn, what are you saying?” Dad stood up. Panic was written all over his face. 

“We’re going to need some time apart,” she choked out. “I can’t keep pretending like we’re okay. Cause we’re not.”

“Mum stop. Please stop. I’m okay. We’re okay,” 

“We’re not okay. We haven’t been for a long time. It’s not your fault Don. It’s ours. I shouldn’t have just accepted it when Justin started acting the way he did. You’re going to fix things with Donovan now, or we will talk out the house right now.”

She got up and stormed out the living room. I was left with my father and for the first time in a long time, he looked at me. He didn't look through me or behind of me, he looked at me.

"Dad, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't tell Mum anything. Please don't be mad."

He sighed. "I'm a coward."

I pulled my legs close to my body and watched him.

"When I first found out I was having a son, I was so excited. We would play sports together and I'd teach you how to be a man. Yet, by the time you turned ten, I noticed a lot of differences in you."

As he continued, he stopped looking at me.

"There were moments when we played football together. Then there were moments where you'd garden with your mother and you'd let her paint your nails. I remember one day, I came home from work and you showed me your nails. I started to freak out. I instantly ran to your mother and questioned her. I asked her why she was turning you into a girl. I couldn't comprehend any of it."

I remember that day. My mother was on the porch painting her nails. She never did it in the house because of the smell. I'd always been intrigued by the cool designs she'd make. I always wanted my nails to be painted, but I was always so scared. That day, I finally found the courage and I asked my mother. I remember the smile she gave me.

"What colour would you like?" She asked.

When Dad came home, I showed him my blue nails. He nodded at me and walked to their room. I could hear them arguing.

"He's a boy. Why would you do that? What's wrong with you?"

"It's just nail polish. It's an art."

"It's for girls. Are you trying to turn him gay?"

"I can't turn him gay, Justin. I can't believe you said that."

They went back and forth until I ran to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night. Not before scraping off the nail polish off my nails.

My mother came to my room the next morning and gave me so many kisses and hugs. When she saw my nails, she started to cry.

"They were beautiful. Why'd you peel them off?"

"Dad didn't like them."

"Did he tell you that?"

"I heard you fighting. I made you fight Mum. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, no sweetheart. It's okay. I promise. I'll repaint your nails. You'll see everything is going to be fine."

Too bad everything wasn't fine. After that day my father started acting weird around me. I think his breaking point was when I turned fourteen and I started wearing flowers in my hair. Everything became strained. He never started a conversation with me. He never looked at me. He only spoke to me when necessary and that was it.

Dad continued, "I grew up in a world where men were manly and women were feminine. Nail polish, makeup and flowers were for girls and sports, cars and being tough were for men. Seeing the child I raised, do the opposite of what was expected of him, really bothered me. I thought about what my Christian parents would think. I thought of our neighbors and I thought about myself and how I felt about your decisions."

This is the most he's spoken to me in years and it hurts to know how he feels.

"I never thought of you. I didn't think about how you felt. I never tried to understand you. I thought things had to be one way and if they weren't, I'd just ignore it. I told myself that I'd be the world's best Dad and I've been failing at it for over 8 years now."

"Dad..."

My hand covered my mouth to stop myself from crying. My lips trembled and my vision blurred.

"No Donovan. I need to get this off my chest. I love you more than anything in this world. I know I don't act like it, but I do. I love you so much. I got so caught up in what I thought was right, I put my beliefs and my pride before my child and I don't think I could ever forgive myself for that. I've been meaning to talk to you, but I never had the guts to do it. I feel like I've made you so unhappy and yet you walk around the house with a smile. You tell me good morning and you make my favourite foods. I wanted you to resent me. I wanted you to hate me, but you didn't and it hurt. I was too afraid to accept you and instead of turning your back to me, you still loved me. How could I hurt such a pure soul?"

Dad started to rapidly blink. He breathing became ragged and his hands raised to his face. I could only look at him. His revelation struck me. When he removed his hands, there were tears on his face.

"Dad...”

"The idea of losing you and Lynn are my biggest fear. I love you, Donovan. I am so sorry for how I treated you. I still don't understand everything about you, but I'm willing to try. I want to understand so that I can become a better father and husband.”

I quickly got up and walked into his arms for a hug. All I've wanted for the past couple of years was my Dad to acknowledge me.

"I forgive you. I want to try. I love you too."

He tightened his arms around me. My neck was soaked by his tears. I don't think I minded though. It's been so long since he hugged me. I felt like I was eight years old again. I didn't want him to let me go. Mum was probably listening to everything because a few moments later she walked back in. 

"Lynn...I'm sorry." Dad carefully moved me off of him and approached my mother.

“I don’t want an apology. I need to see results. I love you Justin, but our family has been falling apart for awhile. I can’t keep pretending.”

“I understand and I respect your decision. I just want you to know that I love you so much.”

She nodded. “I love you too.” Mum sighed. “What a Christmas. So here's your real presents." She stooped beside the tree then she handed me a rectangular shaped box and she gave Dad an envelope. I quickly opened my gift and saw a Journal, colour pencils, markers and pens.

"Your head is full. You don't like talking to us, so maybe you can put your words in your book."

I could see the pain in her eyes. "I'm sorry..."

"It's okay, baby. Maybe the journal can help you."

"Thank you."

She got dad a voucher for his favourite appliance store.

"Thank you." He offered her a smile and she nodded.

"Hopefully you can buy a new drill and fix the kitchen cupboards." My mother is so passive-aggressive.

"Anyways, where are my presents?"

All the money I get is from my parents. So this is a gift they bought for themselves. I handed my mother the small box. She quickly opened it and took out the diamond studs.

"They're beautiful sweetheart. Thank you."

I was awarded with a kiss and I beamed. Dad got her a diamond necklace and took a deep breath.

“Thank you baby.”

She kissed him and I instantly looked away. They always overdid the PDA. It was finally time for Dad and I to exchange gifts. He got me a custom made Liverpool shirt with my last name in the back.

"Thank you."

He offered me a smile and ruffled my hair. I got him an electric razor. My mother suggested it and I went along with it.

"Do you think my beard looks bad?"

"I like it. Mum said the razor would be the best gift for you."

He sighed. "I like the beard, Lynn."

She rolled her eyes. "I bet there are animals living in there,” she muted.

He scoffed. "You don't complain when I'm kissing you."

"Okay, I've heard enough." I quickly got up and started cleaning up the wrapping paper off the floor. I nearly piled them up and nearly fell on my face when I heard a knock on the door.

My mom stood up to answer it.

"I'll get it!" I hastily got up and ran to it. I quickly opened the door and was greeted with a smiling Jeremy. He wore a plain white T-Shirt and blue jeans with brown timberlands. The hat on his head was worn backwards. I disapproved.

"Merry Christmas, Donovan"

"Merry Christmas, Jeremy."

"Are you okay? Your eyes are red."

"I'm good. I'm happy."

"Do you promise?"

"Promise." I grinned at him. "Do you want reindeer ears? We have extra."

"I'll take one."

I beckoned him to come inside. I quickly ran and grabbed the ears and handed it to him.

He took off his hat and set them on his messy hair. "I need a haircut."

"I actually love your hair."

I quickly took out my phone ready to take a picture.

"Okay, smile for me."

"No. I don't want a picture," he instantly frowned at me. I poked his stomach.

"I want memories. So, fix your face right now."

He instantly smiled. His eyes crinkled and his eyes got smaller.

"I can't believe that you threatened me. I feel attacked."

I quickly hugged him tightly. "If you listen to my orders the first time, I wouldn't have to threaten you."

"When did you get so mean. I feel like I'm spoiling you."

I grinned up at him. "I like being spoilt. So keep it up. Now, come greet my parents."

I pulled him into the living room where my parents were now having some tea. The teapot was on the table and there were two empty cups available.

Jeremy walked over to them and shook both of their hands. "Merry Christmas."

Mum quickly stood up. "I need a hug." She hugged Jeremy tightly. He looked taken aback but he hugged her back. She finally let go and returned to her seat next to my Dad. My father offered Jeremy a smile.

"Thanks for having me. Um..."

"Would you like some tea?" Mum asked. She pointed at the two cups. "We set a cup out for you just in case."

"No thank you. I don't drink tea."

"Is there anything that you'd like to drink?"

"Do you have soda?"

It was 10 o clock in the morning, on Christmas Day and Jeremy wanted to drink soda.

"We do. I can get you a —"

"No," I interrupted. "Take a seat and have some tea."

I pulled him down to sit on the couch beside me. "I'm surprised all your teeth aren't rotten by now. It's absolutely ridiculous Jeremy. If you're going to start playing football again, you'll be so unfit. All you ever want to eat is junk. Think about your heart. Do you know how easy it is for you to get a stroke?"

Jeremy quickly poured himself some tea and started sipping it.

"I did it again."

He nodded. He stuck his pinky finger up and continued sipping. I hesitantly looked at my parents from the corner of my eyes. I felt so embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"You care. I understand." He squeezed my cheek and I instantly blushed.

"Jeremy, what package do you have at school?"

He set the cup down. "I chose Culture and Society."

"Oh, that's interesting and very different," mum replied, whilst sipping her tea.

"What are your aspirations?" Dad asked.

Jeremy paused for a moment. I could literally see the gears turning in his head.

"I just want to be someone that my family is proud of."

"That's so sweet," Mum said.

I could feel how uncomfortable he was. I instantly felt bad for putting him in this situation. I quickly took Jeremy's hand and led him to the Christmas tree. "Let's open the gifts."I didn't want him to open the gift in front of my parents, but he had already sat down on the floor. I hesitantly handed him the box and hoped for the best.

Note: I like that the flower for the chapter fits so well with the Christmas Season!

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