Paul

The play was AMAZING. Paul loves this buzzing feeling he always gets when he leaves the stage. This rush of pride, adrenaline, and sense of accomplishment. Sure, he had a minor role, but it’s so nice to be part of a group, to work together to create something bigger than oneself… And Amy was fantastic, too. Even Hannah, who is oh so annoying in real life, completely stole the stage as Ophelia.

Paul gets out of his costume but doesn’t take his make-up off. He is too eager to see everyone and in plain clothes, the eyeliner makes him feel like the bad boy he’ll never be.

He makes it the main hall and his family is there. His parents and Sophie, at least, Anna left for college last September.

“You were fantastic!” His mother says immediately, and even if she sort of has to say that, it still makes him smile.

“Yes! Well done, “ his father adds.

“Thanks.” Things are a bit harder with his dad. Paul needs to be fair to his father: he completely accepted his coming out and he is trying really hard to understand that part of his son, but… he also is the kind of person who makes offensive jokes without really realizing, who made a few homophobic comments across the years and is only now noticing that it might have had an impact, somehow.

If Paul is completely honest, he does resent his father for it to some extent. But they are both trying to find some common ground and to understand each other. It’s easier now that everything is in the open.

“I think you were alright,” Sophie says. His little sister is another story entirely. She seems to be blaming herself for not figuring out before. Yet it doesn’t affect her behavior and the two of them are interacting the same way they always did. They might even be closer now that Anna is not around anymore. He loves that. The sense of normalcy he gets from his sister. As if she was the only person in his house not trying harder or forcing anything in the way she acts around him. That, more than anything, shows Paul that it really is alright, that he really still is the same boy he was before coming out.

They talk a little about the play and then his mother suggests that they go get some food or coffee. Sophie immediately suggests pie.

“It sounds really nice,” Paul says, “but I’d like to stay with my friends a little bit longer if that’s alright.”

“Of course, it is!” his mother replies. “Go be a star! But it’s a school night. You need to be home by dinner.”

“I will,” Paul promises.

Amy is the actual star. She had a much bigger role and it is her first year in the drama club. Plus, Leo is completely smitten and is going a bit overboard with the ‘supportive boyfriend’ thing. It’s endearing, though.

Ben did say he would come, but Paul is still happy when he sees him.

The two boys keep glancing at each other. Paul knows why his eyes keep finding Ben’s face, but he isn’t sure why Ben is looking back at him so often. It makes him hope, even if he probably shouldn’t.

“Oh my god,” Sarah suddenly interjects. “He really came!”

“Who?” Max asks.

“Louie!”

Everyone turns to look at where Sarah is staring and the boy is there, with his friends, looking at Paul. He smiles softly and Paul’s mind splits immediately. The first part is so happy and giddy that Louie is there, that he found him in the crowd, that he might be waiting for an opportunity to ask Paul about hanging out again after his so vague answer at the party. The second part, however, is uncomfortable and wishes that Ben weren’t here to see that. He really doesn’t want Ben to think that he is taken, even if Paul still doesn't know if he has a shot or if he’s just seeing what he wants to see…

Still, he can’t just ignore Louie. So he walks away from the group and Louie leaves his own friends behind to meet him halfway. It’s a bit awkward because they are both so conscious of all their friends staring at them.

“Hi,” Louie says softly.

“Hi. I’m glad you came. Did you like the play?”

“I did.”

“Was it better than your school’s?” Paul teases.

“We’re doing a musical, not a classic, so it’s hard to compare. But I was really impressed by the costumes and the lights. They were incredible.”

“Yes, they worked really hard.”

“I was also impressed by you.” Paul’s stomach does this weird thing and his cheeks heat up instantly. “So… do you want to go get coffee or something? We could go with our common friends from the play, or… just the two of us…”

This is the moment. Paul has to decide, right now. In front of him is a nice boy who likes him, who is ready for him, who Paul knows could make him happy, but who is still constantly second best in his mind. The only thing is… first best might not be interested. First best might not even be gay. First best is definitely not out…

Paul also knows that he can’t say ‘no’ or ‘later’ to Louie if the plan is to run back to him if things with Ben are a dead end. That would be ugly and that would be unfair. He has to decide right now if he a no from Ben would still be worth losing a yes from Louie…

When Paul returns to his friends, Amy looks at him with a wide, happy smile.

“So?” she asks. “Hot date planned?”

“No. He just came for his friends.”

“What? But…”

“Amy, can you please let that picture go?” Paul snaps. He knows he is being a bit unfair with her, but he is also fed up about her trying to get some magical love bloom from the picture of what felt like a sweet moment, but was also just a drunken kiss.

“Sorry, I…”

“It’s fine,” he replies. He truly didn’t want to upset her. “Where is Ben?”

“He just left,” Max answers. “He wanted to congratulate you first, but you were busy and he didn’t know how long you’d be.”

“Oh. I should have… thanked him for coming.” Paul sometimes wishes his brain would opt to not speak.

Yet, somehow, that sentence makes Max smile. Not a mocking smile, a happy, knowing smile that Paul doesn’t know how to interpret.

“I’m sure you can still catch him.”

Paul doesn’t even hesitate. If he turned down Louie, the least he can do is get some answers…

Paul catches up with Ben in the parking lot. “Hey! Are you leaving?”

“Hey. Yeah, sorry, I would have said goodbye, but I couldn’t really interrupt. Anyway, well done today. You were great up there. I’m guessing you have plans to celebrate, now.”

“Plans?”

“With Louie. I remember you telling me that he asked you out.”

“He did,” Paul confirms. “But… I told him I couldn’t go.”

“Why?”

Paul is so nervous that he could throw up. This is stage fright times a million. But he also still feels the effects of the adrenaline. Now is the time to be brave. It feels like a now or never kind of moment.

“There is another boy.”

Ben’s jaw drops just enough for his lips to slightly open. There are a few emotions on his face. Surprise. Confusion. Hope. This one squeezes Paul’s stomach much tighter than Louie asking him out. Hope. Does that mean that he isn’t reading too much into this? Could Cute, Smart, Hot, Kind Ben be into him? Could such a thing happen?

“I… Louie is great. We obviously got along… and in another life, I’m sure I would have said yes and we would have had a great time. But in this world, I… there is another boy that’s always on my mind… It’s stupid, it’s not like he said anything that would encourage me, but it feels like we have a connection, and when I’m with him, we get each other, or at least I think we do, and I get crazy butterflies, you know? But we’re also very unlucky and we keep being interrupted before I can actually check if there is something real there or if it’s all in my head.”

“It’s not all in your head,” Ben replies and Paul’s stomach goes wild again. “Can I… Can I give you a ride home?”

“Hum… sure…”

“It doesn’t have to be home… I just want to get out of here before Amy comes out of a bush or something.”

Paul can’t help but laugh.

They are parked in Paul’s driveway. His parents’ car isn’t there – they might have stopped at Mindy’s for pie for Sophie. It’s for the best. He wouldn’t like for any of his family members to come and check the unknown car in their driveway.

“Here we are,” Paul says, nervous. “That’s my house.”

“It’s a nice house,” Ben comments.

“It’s a regular house.”

“Regular is more than some people get.” That’s true, but that also feels like the two of them are doing this weird thing where they talk about everything but the one thing they are both dying to discuss. Paul’s adrenaline level dropped and so did his courage and resolutions.

Luckily, Ben decides to cross the line. “You and Louie… it makes more sense than you and me.”

“Why?”

Ben shrugs. “You two have history. Whereas you and I… you intimidated me so much when we first met that it took me months to have a conversation with you, and then we kept being interrupted… it felt unfair, but it also felt like a sign, you know?”

“At the party, when I left you on the porch to go talk to Louie… It was very odd. It was like… whatever he said, however perfectly he said it… didn’t feel important. Or, at least, it didn’t feel as important as what you were about to say before Amy interrupted us. So when he asked me out… it still didn’t feel as important as what you were about to say, even if it might not have been what I was hoping for.”

“You… Wait… You passed on the certainty of him for the possibility of me?”

Paul shrugs, more nervous than ever. He can feel his face heat up and he knows that even his make-up will not cover that. He wishes he could be cool and detached, instead of the mess he is, throwing himself at a cute guy just because he gets a vague vibe from him. Although… at this point it’s more than that, right?

“Maybe. Look… I know it’s weird, and that I probably misread the entire thing, and… if that’s the case, just tell me, and I promise we can forget all about it, I won’t ever mention it again… but I don’t know… I also feel like if there is any possibility that I might not be wrong and I don’t seize it… I will always regret it. You know what I mean?”

“I do.” Ben stays silent for a moment and even if Paul knows that he is probably just processing what he just said, it feels like torture.

The two of them are breathing heavily. This definitely feels like more than a ‘maybe’, but this isn’t a ‘yes’ either. Paul is nervously twisting his fingers. Ben’s hand slowly moves across and he softly puts his fingers on Paul’s which immediately relax and they organically link together.

Paul’s heart skips a couple of beats. He is holding hands – sort of – with Ben. He detaches his eyes from their fingers when Ben’s second hand gently pulls on his chin. They lock gaze again and Paul is almost petrified. There is nothing left in the world but Ben’s eyes and where his hands touch Paul.

Their faces are really close, now, but they don’t seem willing to close the gap. As if none of them could take the last step that would make them real.

Paul realizes that he has never felt like that. Not when he had a girlfriend, not when he kissed Louie… Never but now. There is so much about Ben that he doesn’t know, and he can’t wait to discover them, but right now, he doesn’t care. In this moment, he can feel a connection between them that he cannot explain but that is there nonetheless.

His free hand lands on Ben’s neck, he pulls softly, and the gap is finally closed.

His stomach, his heart, his skin, his knees… his entire body is responding to the kiss, getting weak, getting wild, getting hot… Paul knows, suddenly, that this is what a kiss is supposed to feel like, and he had no idea until now.

When they break the kiss, they barely move back and stare at each other, smiling.

“You should wear eyeliner more often,” Ben whispers.

Paul chuckles. “I had to ask the girls to help me with it. My first attempts weren’t very symmetrical…” Even if he disregarded the comment, Paul is flattered that Ben noticed and liked the look.

“So… what do you want?”

Paul immediately knows what he is referring to. “It depends. Are you ready to be out?”

“I told my mom already. My dad is visiting in a couple of weeks and I planned to tell him then. Max knows. I know for a fact that our friends will be fine with it. I don’t really care what the rest of the world thinks.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure. If I can have you… coming out doesn’t feel so scary anymore… I still don’t want to shout it out to everyone, but I also don’t care who knows.”

“So… are we a thing now?” Paul asks.

“I hope so.”

“I never thought I’d be enough for you to notice me…” Ben says.

“You're not enough. You’re so much more than that. You’re wonderful.” Paul looks at the time. “Okay, I should go before my parents come back and we are forced to do the boyfriend – family introduction.”

“Boyfriend,” Ben repeats dreamily and Paul’s smile gets wider. The word does sound very nice. Especially when attached to Ben.

“Do you think we should tell our friends tomorrow?”

“No need,” Ben replies. “Amy will smell it on you the moment you’ll step in the building like the love detective that she is.”

“I’m actually fine with that.”

“Me too.”

Paul puts one last kiss on Ben’s lips – now that he’s allowed, why would he deny himself such a treat? – and opens the door.

“Hey, Paul, wait…” Paul stops, half out of the car. “Would you… would you go out with me this weekend? Like… like on a date.”

Paul feels a smile bloom on his face. “I would love to.”

Ben looks even happier. If that’s even a thing…

Paul still feels like he’s on a cloud when he gets to his room. He’s never felt so light and happy before… He got a boyfriend. Not just any, actually, he got THE boyfriend.

He can’t wait to be in school tomorrow and make it official…

Which reminds him… Paul grabs his phone and starts texting Leo. He didn’t even think twice before following Ben, but that means that he will need a ride to school tomorrow… He left his car in the school’s parking lot.