Paul

Max appears by Paul’s locker, making him jump. It’s almost like he materialized out of nowhere.

“Hey. Congratulations on yesterday!” Paul says. Another victory for the basketball team. It’s not really a surprise – their school has a very good team.

“Thanks. But it really wasn’t just me.”

“I know. I’ll congratulate Leo and Ben at lunch, don’t worry.”

“I’m sure Leo would love that. But… I didn’t come here for the praise.”

“Really?”

“Really. I wanted to ask you if you were cool with me throwing a party.”

Paul is confused for a second. “Hum… sure… I’m not your mom, you know…” Paul immediately regrets what he just said. It was just an expression, but he also knows that Max’s mother left them one morning and never came back. That was nearly ten years ago.

Thankfully, Max doesn’t notice, or pretends not to. “No, it’s not that, it’s just… if I throw one, I’d like you to come, and last time wasn’t… I mean… you know what happened last time.”

Right. The picture. Of course, he remembers. And it was very unfortunate, but Paul cannot blame Max for this. And Max shouldn’t beat himself up.

“Max… you do know that what happened at your party isn’t your fault, right?”

“I know, but… I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“Is that why you haven’t thrown any parties in a while?”

“Maybe.” That’s definitely Max’s version of a yes. Paul is touched. He likes Max, he really does, but the two of them aren’t really friends. He used to hang out with them mostly because of Leo, and now, he is definitely Ben’s friend more than anyone else’s.

“Throw your party. It’s not only fine, it’s expected.”

“Will you be there?” Max asks. “No pressure, I get it if you’re a bit lukewarm about the whole thing.”

Truthfully, Paul isn’t sure if he wants to go to the party. He wasn’t that much into parties in the first place, and now he is even less interested. Not just because of what happened, as it most likely won’t happen again, but he also isn’t in any rush to be in any sort of public gathering with his peers right now. All the people who saw, shared, commented or liked the picture…

On the other hand, he doesn’t want to stop supporting his friends. They did win the last game. And Max probably needs to know that Paul can move on from what happened. And it’s been months now. He’s over it. Well… he will never be truly over it, but he made his peace with the fact that it happened to him and he managed with the fallouts the best way he could. Now, people see him as ‘the gay kid’ rather than ‘the guy from the picture’. It still sucks, but a little bit less.

“I will be at the party.”

Once he said it, he couldn’t take it back. So he came. Sarah seems to be the only one who realized that he doesn’t really want to be there, but she hasn’t commented so far.

“You should get drunk,” she says. “It might make things smoother…”

“Last time I got drunk at a party, I kissed a stranger in plain sight when I wasn’t even out. I think I’ll pass. Plus, I’m driving.”

“I can watch you. Be your shadow all evening and prevent you from being a gigantic idiot again. And Ben is driving too. I’m sure we could fit in his car.”

“Who told you that?”

“Ben. When I asked him if he wanted a beer.”

“You do realize that he lives three houses down, right?”

Her mouth falls slowly open. “I am such an idiot! He made a joke and I didn’t even get that. Do you think he thinks I’m stupid?”

“No, I’m sure he doesn’t think that.” Paul is pretty sure that Ben doesn’t have a nasty thought about others. Like ever. Actually, he is pretty sure that Ben felt stupid himself when she didn’t get the joke.

“Just in case, I’m going to hide and stay as far from Ben as possible tonight.”

Paul can’t help but laugh. Usually, Amy is the dramatic one. “I honestly think he already forgot. I don’t think he’s the type to make fun of people.”

Sarah glares at Paul as if she was saying that everyone makes fun of people in high school. He sort of sees her point, but… it’s Ben. Paul really can’t picture him doing that. There is something so gentle in his eyes. Something that catches Paul’s gaze every time.

Paul abandons Sarah when she joins a drinking game. Leo and Amy are nowhere to be found and Paul refuses to think about that.

He gets outside and under the patio, leaning against the guardrail, is Ben.

“Hi,” Paul says.

Ben jumps and turns around. Paul is pretty sure that the other boy blushed slightly.

“Hi. Where is your sidekick?”

“Sarah? She’s playing some drinking games with students from her maths class. Not really my crowd.”

“Maths or drinking games?”

“Neither, really. And where is your sidekick?”

“Probably serenading some girl. He got the guitar out.”

“Oh. That sounds serious.”

Ben smiles softly and Paul is comforted in his certainty that he wouldn’t have made fun of Sarah. Not to her face, not behind her back, not even in his head.

Paul would like to start a conversation with Ben, but he realizes that they never really talked before and he doesn’t know how to start; Do they even have things in common?

“What are you drinking?” Paul really wants to bite his tongue. Who starts a conversation with a lame pick-up line? What is he? An idiot?

But Ben looks down at his drink and answers: “Coke.”

“Ah, yes. Sarah told me you’re driving,” Paul recalls with a smile.

“She told you that? It was a lame joke. She didn’t even get it.”

“I think it was funny. Actually, I think you’re much funnier than you let on.” Ben looks at Paul like he’s not sure if he’s serious or not. Paul is extremely serious, so he adds: “Maybe I’m an observer too.”

“I’m an observer?” Ben asks.

Paul shrugs. “I think you are. You don’t talk a lot, but your face is always so expressive. I think I could understand everything happening at the lunch table just by looking at your face.”

“I… honestly don’t know what to answer to that.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Why would I be uncomfortable?” Ben asks, confused.

“I don’t think you enjoy being stared at in general, and boys don’t enjoy being stared at by the gay kid.”

“Do you often refer to yourself as ‘the gay kid’?” Ben asks and Paul doesn’t know how to respond to that. “Look… you just said that you’re an observer. That doesn’t sound like you fixating on me. But even if you were…”

Ben doesn’t finish his sentence and something churns in Paul’s stomach. Was he going to say that he wouldn’t care? Or was he going to say something else?

It’s really funny how in life, you might have to wait for something to become very obvious to realize it’s been there all along.

Ben is incredibly cute. And hot. But there is more than that. There is the quiet way he looks at people as if he wanted to really see them. There is the way he always gets a perfect score in English and maths, but Paul only knows because he glanced at his tests a couple of times by accident. There is the incredible loyalty between him and Max and how incredible it is that two people would create such a bond in such a short amount of time. There is the way he moves when he plays basketball, rapid, graceful and fluid. There is his quietness that makes Paul so eager to know more. There is… Oh, Gosh… That’s a crush, isn’t it?

Paul needs to kill that. Fast. Before he actually makes Ben uncomfortable. Ben who probably was just about to tell him that it’s fine if he stares at him as long as it stays just that…

“So… how do you like it here?” Paul asks to change the subject.

“I like it,” Ben replies. “We’re really close to Atlanta, and there is much more to do than there was in Savannah. The team is great. I made good friends. A great one. I like most of the teachers. I like my new house. I was terrified about moving, but it all worked out in the end.”

“Why did you move?”

Ben takes a second before he answers that question. “My mom got a great job opportunity at the Emory University Hospital. But honestly… I think she wanted a fresh start after my father remarried.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ben shrugs. “My father is happy. I try to focus on that more than the fact that he left.”

“That’s healthy, I guess. Do you see him often?”

“I spent a week at his place this summer. Then I saw him for Hannukah.”

“I didn’t know you were Jewish.”

“I’m not. Not really. My mother is Methodist and in the tradition, Judaism is passed on from the mother.”

Paul feels like it’s not the first time Ben has explained that specific point. “You’re great at English, aren’t you?”

“I guess so…” Ben seems confused. “My dad is a Literature professor, and I guess he managed to pass his love of books onto me. Why?”

“Because I'm sure there is a real word for ‘passed on from the mother’.”

Ben smiles. “There is. If you must know, Judaism is matrilineal.”

“I do think that I did must know.”

Ben frowns. “That sentence was so incorrect that it hurt me a bit,” Ben teases. “But enough of my nerdiness, and definitely enough of my drama.”

“Should we talk about mine?” Paul jokes. “Not that there is anything to talk about that you wouldn’t know about. I’m pretty sure you’ve seen the picture…”

“I haven’t.”

“What? Really?”

“I mean… I had the chance once or twice, but why would I do that? It’s not just because we’re friends. I really wouldn’t want to look at something so private. For anyone. But if you add the whole being outed part… I think looking at that picture would literally make me a bad person.”

Paul is moved by that way of seeing things. His friends, although without fail on his side, have all seen the picture – watched, even. Paul is pretty sure that at least one of his parents has looked at it too.

“Thank you,” Paul says, sincerely.

Ben shrugs. “Any first kiss should be private. Intimate, even. And coming out should be something you decide, not something forced on you. Especially the big, scary, first one.”

Paul’s entire body freezes. He doesn’t know what to do with that. Either Ben is just a really woke person, or he just implicitly shared something with Paul. How much does Ben know and understand about coming out?

Paul also knows he can’t just ask. If there is anything more to say, it will be in Ben’s own time. If there is something that Paul doesn’t ever want to do is force someone else’s timeline.

So Paul talks about the reason they are here: their big win on the basketball court. Ben is very humble about his role in everything. Paul finds it both endearing and heartbreaking. It’s great to see someone put the team before the individual, but Ben also needs to know how great he is and develop some self-confidence.

From there, the conversation keeps evolving. They talk about school, movies, music, sports, books… Paul was right. Ben is bright, funny, and interesting. It’s a shame, really that he isn’t talking more at lunch. Paul almost can’t believe the difference between Ben in a large group and Ben one on one.

At some point, they both stop talking and they end up just enjoying the silence. It’s not awkward, it’s not uncomfortable, it’s nice and natural. Paul is actually glad he showed up tonight, even just for this moment.

Even more than that… Paul feels like he’s really seeing Ben for the first time, and he really likes what he sees. Plus… he gets this vibe from Ben that he doesn’t quite know how to interpret. As if he was interested too… But that’s probably just him seeing what he wants to see…

Ben takes a deep breath, as if he was gathering courage, opens his mouth, and Paul feels his heart beat faster in anticipation. Whatever he is going to say, he can feel it’s important.

But before Ben can speak, the two of them are interrupted by Amy just bolting out of the house and grabbing Paul’s arm firmly. She looks more excited than usual, and that’s saying something.

“Paul!” she shrieks. “Guess what!”

“I have no idea,” he replies, already thinking of a way to gently but quickly get rid of her.

“Louie is here!”

Oh.