Adoration - Sunflower

Jeremy

Rory's Saturdays were action-packed. Football in the morning, music class in the afternoon and fun time (my parents spoiling him) in the evening. Both of my parents take him everywhere together. After Jean, they sat us down and they told us how they wanted to be more involved. They were always involved before. I felt bad that they felt guilty.

Rory's fun day meant that I was home alone because I didn't want to leave the house. My parents didn't want to leave me, but I didn't want them to mess up their plans. If I had to be alone for Rory to have a good day, then so be it.

Too bad, I instantly regretted my actions, when I was left alone with my thoughts. For the past week, I've cried at least twice a day, I always forget to eat and I sleep at many strange times of the day. I had a meeting with my therapist next Monday and I wonder if she'd be disappointed in me. She told me that things were looking better, yet here I am.

I'm pathetic. I'm a burden. I'm a waste of space. What's the point of even trying when I always end up here? Here I am, alone, wallowing in my pity. The tears came with no warning. I hate being like this. I'm so weak. I wanted to call my parents, but I didn't want to ruin their day.

Wiping my eyes, I stood up and paced around my room. I needed to calm down. I nearly tripped on my shoes when I heard a knock. Who's knocking? Why would anyone come to my house at — I glanced at my clock — 10 in the morning on a Saturday. I took a deep breath and wiped my face. I sluggishly headed for the front door and peeked. Donovan was standing there holding a box.

I stepped away from the door and ran to the bathroom mirror. My face was red and my eyes were red-rimmed. This is horrible. This can't work. I filled the sink with water and dunked my face in it. I kept it there for twenty seconds before pulling it out and wiping it with a towel. I didn't look any different and I groaned. I wanted to answer the door, but I didn't want him to see me like this.

I've seen him cry, maybe he wouldn't care.

I ran back to the door and opened it. Donovan was already on the sidewalk walking away.

"Donovan wait!"

"Yay, you're home."

He ran over to me and hugged me tightly while balancing the box. I opened the door and shuffled the two of us inside. I didn't want to let him go because I enjoyed hugging him. His positive energy and happiness were contagious.

"Hi!"

"Hi."

Donovan looked up at me with a frown. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." I offered him a smile and hugged him tighter.

"Sad eyes never lie. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. That's okay. Are you home alone?"

"Yeah, my parents took my little brother out for the day."

"Thankfully, I'm here to keep you company."

Thankfully.

"So...my mother helped me to make a get well soon cake. It's chocolate. I know you have a sweet tooth."

What is he doing to me?

"Thank you, Donovan."

He shyly smiled and looked around the house. "Beautiful decor. Who's the mastermind behind these olive curtains? They match perfectly with the yellow mats and I love the dining table."

We had green curtains? When did that happen? I studied my house and realized that the curtains were green and the mats were yellow. What even is olive green?

"My mother is responsible for the decor."

"Nice. I like it. I might steal this idea."

He pointed at the way the plates were arranged. They looked normal to me. I feel like a one-dimensional person when I'm around him. He finds beauty in everything and I see things as they are.

"Where should I put this?" He lifted the box in his hand.

"Follow me."

He followed me into the kitchen and gasped.

"What?"

"Black and white tiles? I love this aesthetic."

I've seen these tiles every day. I feel no emotions when I see them.

"So are you staying or did you just come to give me a cake?" I wanted him to say he was staying. He bit his lip, something he tends to do when he's nervous.

"Whichever one you want."

"Please stay."

"Okay great. Would you like some cake?"

I didn't feel like eating, but the look on his face changed my mind. He looked so happy.

"I'll have some cake."

"Okay, I'm not a professional. It's just a hobby. Just like last time, if it tastes bad, you're going to eat it anyway."

The box was opened with two clicks. The cake was huge. It was a chocolate cake with brown frosting and it said "Get well soon" with white frosting.

I went for a knife and two plates. I started cutting the cake and Donovan squeaked.

"You're doing it all wrong. You're cutting it wrong."

Donovan went into a five-minute rant on cake etiquette. I loved hearing him talk. He had passion. Something I didn't have anymore.

"I need to shut up."

"No, go ahead. I love hearing you talk."

"No, I'm going to shut up."

I chuckled. He handed me the slice of cake, but he didn't take one for himself.

"None for you?"

"I ate before I came."

"Okay, later then. We can go to my room."

I led Donovan to my room. It was kinda clean. I had a few clothes on my desk and chair. The curtains were closed. It looked more like a cave than a room.

"Welcome to my room. Before you came I was lying in bed. I'm not a good host."

I set the cake on my side table and went back into my bed. Donovan stood at the door.

"Where do I go?"

I opened the sheet for him to join me. He hesitantly joined me on the bed. While I lied down, he sat.

"What are you sick with? If you don't mind me asking?"

His eyes scanned over my body. He probably thought it was weird to see me looking perfectly normal while staying home from school.

"Migraines." I lied. I'm so used to lying about my condition that it came out without a second thought. I don't think that I'm ready to tell anyone outside my family about my depression. I was afraid of the judgment.

"Oh no. Are they that bad? I get migraines sometimes and it's horrible. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you."

"Yeah," I breathed. "It gets hard sometimes."

"I know I talk a lot and it might be overwhelming for you. If you're ever feeling sick, you can tell me. So I can shut up."

On the contrary, Donovan lightens my mood. I want as much of him as I can get. When I told him to not be a stranger, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't think that he'd show up with food.

"I like when you're around. You make things tolerable. Especially at school."

"Soo, what were you planning on doing today?"

"I was going to stay here and sleep all day."

"It's Saturday. Maybe, it would help if you go outside and get some air. There's a lot for us to do."

He was trying so hard. I don't think that I could ever respond to him negatively.

"I can't go outside. I'm sorry. I've had mood swings in the past with my friends. They weren't ever severe. They were never angry moods. It was always sad moods. I'd be at a party and suddenly I'd be so sad or I'd be chilling with my friends and I'd just get so emotional and I couldn't cope. Donovan continued to sit awkwardly on my bed, while I pushed myself lower and lower under the sheets. The air condition was turned on to the lowest degree. I liked that the temperature matched my feelings.

"I'm sorry Donovan."

He got off my bed and for a second I thought he was leaving. He pulled the sheet off of my bed and left me grasping air.

"I'm giving you ten minutes to take a shower and put on some clean clothes. There has to be something for us to do around here. You can't stay in your bed all day," he asserted. I was taken aback. He'd never spoken to me like that before. I kinda liked it.

"Donovan, no. I can't."

"Stop saying you can't. You don't want to. There's a difference. Too bad for you though."

"What..."

He dropped the sheet on my desk. "9 minutes." Then he walked out of my room.

                                                                🌞

Here I am, sitting in my backyard pulling weeds out of a heart-shaped flower bed that I didn't know existed. Do I even live here? First green —olive green curtains and now this? I don't remember the last time I came to the backyard. This was Jean's and Mum's project. They would come out here together and they'd plant flowers and spend time together. After he died, my mother stopped coming out here and the result is a backyard full of weeds.

Donovan seemed to be in his element. It appeared as if he came dressed for this. He wore a white t-shirt and black shorts. He was wearing my mother's sun hat over his head.

He held a watering can in one hand and a tool, that I didn't know the name of. He looked so concentrated.

"Sometimes, I feel bad for weeds. They just want to live and grow. Too bad, they hurt all the beautiful plants and flowers."

"What if you wanted to live, just like the weed, but by you living you end up hurting everyone close to you. Would you just end it all?"

My words weren't mean to be said aloud. Donovan dropped the watering can and the tool. He gave me his full attention.

"What? What do you mean by that?"

"I was just making a real-life analogy of weeds to humans.," I lied.

"Jeremy are you sure? Those words are dangerous. Sometimes you scare me."

"I scare me too."

"What does that mean?" His eyes pleaded with me.

"I promise. I was just making an analogy. It's not a cry for help or anything. I promise you, I'm fine."

He took off the hat, took up the tools and put them back in their spots. He wiped some sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. For the first time in a long time, he looked very serious and it made me nervous. I directed my gaze to the bag of weeds in my lap and I felt just like them. Useless, like a waste of space.

"I shouldn't have forced you to come outside. I always overstep. I thought maybe we could do something productive, but my selfishness always overshadows everything else."

How does he always turn things around and make it seem as if it's his fault?

"You didn't overstep. You never overstep. This is fun. I say stupid things sometimes. Please don't make my stupidity bring you down."

"I'll take your word for it. Now turn that frown upside down."

I instantly smiled.

"Good."

We picked up the remaining weeds until my backyard looked semi-normal. There were lots of flowers that died before they could fully bloom. Some flowers bloomed.

"These sunflowers are beautiful. I always loved the powdery smell. Have you ever tried sunflower seeds?"

"Tried them? In what way?"

"The black and brown things in the center of the flowers are seeds. You can eat them." I bent down and went closer to the flower and I did indeed see the seeds.

"Do I live under a rock?"

"No, you live in a cave." His remark was followed with laughter.

I groaned. "That wasn't funny."

"It was for me. "

"What are those flowers called?" I pointed at the red flower with a weird thing coming out the middle.

"It's a hibiscus. There are a lot of those around here. They come in many different colors. I have pink and yellow at my house."

"Do you know what every flower is called?"

"I don't think I know all, but I know a lot about them."

"What do sunflowers mean? I like seeing them."

"They got their name because the flowers turn towards the sun. Sunflowers symbolize adoration and loyalty."

"Adoration. I like that word."

He just smiled at me. "Do you have a hose or a pipe? I'd like to wash my hands?"

"Yeah, hold on."

I quickly went into the shed to get the hose, to connect it to the pipe. When I got out, Donovan was sitting in the dirt softly touching the sunflower.

He looked...

He looked at peace.

I needed to disrupt his peace. This wasn't good for me.

I connect the hose and sprayed him with water.

"No, my hair. Jeremy!" He squealed and ran over to me. He tried to take the hose from me and failed miserably which resulted in him becoming even wetter.

"You're being mean right now."

Donovan tripped me and as I fell he took the hose from me and sprayed me as if his life depended on it. When he saw that I was fully drenched in water, he set the hose down and ran his hand through his hair.

"My hair is a mess."

His hair looked normal to me, but I think my perception of things is screwed up.

"You looked great."

He huffed. "I don't have extra clothes." If looks could kill.

"I need clothes and a shower Jeremy."

"Okay."

Donovan followed me into the house and I couldn't be happier because it meant he'd stay longer.