Three days after the Cabin and it was time to get back to reality.

It was my first day back to work since our little trip we all took together, I’ve sort of just stuck to myself because I don’t know what to do. Let me rephrase that—I do know what I should do but I wont let myself do anything about it.

I wish Ashton would give up on me, I wish he would see that I’m no good for him. See that I have too much baggage locked up inside that I can not and will not allow myself to open up to him let alone love him.

“I haven’t seen you since we left the cabin Ari! How was it? Tell me everything.” Jacely said as she sat down on my desk, the audacity of this whole entire female.

“First of all, get your ass off of my desk, Secondly it was alright.” I said to her as I began typing out this email. Jacely sat down on the stool that was next to me and had a concerning look on her face.

“Just alright?”

“Jacely, I really don’t wanna talk about it.” I didn’t even look at her, I just kept looking at the screen that was in front of me.

“Ari, what happened? I know that there was some tension going on at one point but nothing was said. Talk to me Ari.” I’d love to, but I just can’t. What am I supposed to say?

“Maybe something did happen but I really don’t want to talk about it. I feel like I made such a fool out of myself and I don’t want to have to relive it.” I finally took my eyes off the screen and looked at her face.

“Ari...Just tell me this. Is everything okay?” How do I answer this? How do I tell my best friend what really happened that day? That Ashton made me cry, made me show some type of emotion to him which was incredibly hard to do.

She acts like she will give up on asking me about it but she wont, I know her all too well and she will keep on and on until I tell her about it all.

“Are you busy tonight Jace?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Well come to my apartment tonight. I’ll make some dinner and tell you it’s...it’s quite a bit to talk about.”

“You got it Ari. I’m going to get back to work, don’t get too lost in your thoughts love.” She said as she began to get up . She kissed my cheek and walked away from me.

When I looked back at my screen I couldn’t believe what was on it. I thought that I was typing out an email to my manager but my dumb ass was typing to Ashton, I was so distracted that I hadn’t even realized it was his name.

If I would have sent this to him I think I would have died. This message literally has all my true feelings in it. I could never send this to him even if I wanted to. I sighed and deleted everything that was on the screen in front of me.

Now lets try this again and type the correct message to the correct person.

I tried leaving the office as soon as I could because I wanted to beat Ashton home, we literally always arrive home around the same time so I thought maybe if I was fast enough I would get here quicker than Ashton.

“I had such a great time this weekend Ari, if you’d like we could—“

“We need to have some space from each other..I..We shouldn’t see each other as often.” The look on his face broke my heart but I Couldn’t help what I said and I wasn’t going to take it back.

“But I thought...I thought we were getting somewhere?” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I can not focus on someone else right now.

I put my head on the steering wheel for a moment to clear my mind, I didn’t mean to hurt him but I did what I had to do for myself.

I didn’t see his car in its usual spot so hopefully I accomplished my mission. I did my usual routine—grabbed my mail, check for any packages just the regular old stuff. I walked up to my apartment and the entire time I was on edge until I got to my door. I really did not want to see Ashton let alone talk to him.

The moment that I was in the safety of my home I was able to breathe like a normal human being. This is the first day that I have been acting like a whole little bit just, this is something that I can not keep doing. I shouldn’t have to avoid anyone nor should I want to avoid anyone.

I just need to breathe, make this dinner for Jacely and I and move on in my life.

We sat silent in my car the only noise was from anyone or anything outside that was around us. My heart was beating so fast that I just knew Ashton was able to hear it, it made me wonder if his was doing the same as mine.

“Do you just not want to be around me? Did I do something wrong?” I never wanted Ashton to think that he did something wrong when he didn’t, this was all my doing and I was the one who was making this huge stupid mistake.

“Please believe me when I say its not you its me, its all the way me. I got too comfortable and forgot my place around you and that can not happen.” I did not want to look at him I did not want to see the look on his face, it was going to hurt me too bad to see it.

I heard him sigh lightly before looking out his window.

“Ari! I am here!” Jacely yelled as she walked inside of my home.

“How did you get in here? I thought that I locked the door?” Jacely laughed at me as she sat down on my counter. She literally has no manners what so ever she thinks she can just sit her ass any and everywhere she pleases.

“Well it wasn’t. And also, I did knock but you kind of ignored me so I walked right in. Ooooh you made some spaghetti! That is my favorite, did you—“

“Yes I crumbled the meat in the sauce just the way you like it.”

“You’re the best Ari.”

“Yeah I try. Now its about ready so go grab some plates for us.”

“Alright Mr. Bossy.” I can’t help but to come off as bossy its just who I am. As we all have come to realize I am an extremely dominant person that should not be any surprise.

We began eating and for the most part it was pretty quiet which was nice, it was just Jacely and I do it was pretty relaxing—no Lydia, no Ashton, no distractions.

I don’t often get to be alone with Jacely because Lydia is always with her, not saying that I don’t dislike Lydia but if she were a man I’d fight her the moment she opened her mouth and started running it. So a break from her is so very nice and so very needed.

“Ari.” Well there goes the silence. I already know what is about to be said, I was actually kind of hoping that we wouldn’t need to have this conversation.

“Yes?”

“What happened with Ashton?” I sighed and just sat there for a moment.

“I try Ari...” By the tone of his voice it really sounded like he was ready to cry and I hated that so much. This is not what I wanted.

“Ashton..”

“No.” He said as he began to look at me, I almost wish he wouldn’t have done that. “I try so hard to understand you, to be on your side but you are making this so hard for me. I don’t get this at all.” I have no idea what to tell him.

In my mind I was hoping he would understand this and be okay with what I was saying but he wasn’t. His words were hitting me hard in places that it shouldn’t, and it was making me feel like complete shit to say the least.

“It has to be like this Ashton, I’m sorry.” He stared at me before laughing lightly. He shook his head and began getting out of the car. “Wait—“

“Just stop. This is what you want, so have it your way.” He got out of my car and started to grab all of his belongings. He didn’t have much but I didn’t want him doing it all by himself so I got out to help him out at least a little bit.

I grabbed one of his bags and handed it to him but the moment his hand even remotely touched it he snatched it from me. He was beyond mad at me and it really scared me.

What do I say?

“Jacely...Ever since what happened...years ago you...you know how like I don’t want to be touched ov even kissed anymore?”

“Well yeah.”

“I was venting to Ashton about some things and I don’t know what happened. Ive told him so many times though that I don’t want to be kissed or touched...And he kissed me. I loved it Jacely, I loved it so much but I also hated every second of it.

“It brought back so many memories that I have been trying to forget and then when I panicked he grabbed me. I lost it. I was scared and I started having a panic attack. He was doing his best to help me but after what happened I couldn’t handle it.” Jacely came over to me and hugged me.

“Oh Ari I’m so sorry..” I cried Jacely, I cried so hard. No one has made me cry like that in years, I don’t understand what it is about him this isn’t me.” Jacely just stared at me before giving me this big smile.

What in the world is she thinking about?

“Ari you are so oblivious you like this guy a lot. You haven’t liked someone in a long time so of course its all new to you. I think you should give him a chance, like seriously give him a chance.” That is not what I wanted to hear at all.

Ashton was supposed to be a fling, someone who I use to get what I want and need. How did any of this even happen?

“I don’t know Jace, I’m extremely confused and I am not ready to love anyone.” Jacely rolled her eyes at me then got up to gather our dishes.

She has always been a hopeless romantic and she always thinks that love will fix all of your problems in life when obviously that is not true at all.

From my experience with it I have learned that even if you love someone and give them all that you got it doesn’t even matter and it never will. If they want to hurt you they will and not even think twice about it, its like a major thrill to them so they can help but want to do it.

So you know what, fuck that. I don’t have time to go through that all over again.

“It’s a lot to think about Jacely I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. What are your plans for the rest of the evening? I just had to change the subject between us. Jacely sat back down and took a sip of her drink.

“I think Lydia and I are just going to chill. Maybe watch a movie or something. You know, what couples do with each other.” I just glared at the girl, well thanks for all of that shade.

“Well good for you guys, I’m just so happy for the two of you.”

“You’re missing out Ari. Love is such a beautiful thing and you deserve it, its time for you to let go and just feel the love.” If that ain’t the cheesiest most clingiest thing I have ever heard.

“I can’t wait Jace.”

Jacely stayed for a while longer before leaving, we were just lost in conversation with each that we didn’t really realize how fast time was actually going. Once she was ready I walked to her car with her because I didn’t want her going by herself. You never know what could happen from my place to her vehicle.

Can I say, gentleman?

She started her car and rolled down her window. “Think about what I said Ari, its about time you get some damn happiness in your life.”

“Yeah yeah I get it. Be careful okay?” I gave her my goodbyes and headed back to my place.

Jacely’s words stuck with me the entire time I walked to my apartment. I wish she could understand why I am this way, just see what I had to go through.

As I was passing Ashtons door I picked up the speed that I was walking because I heard his door being fiddled with. I did my best to open my door as fast as I could so I didn’t have to make any type of contact with Ashton.

The moment his door opened I had went inside of mine so all that he would have seen was my door being closed. I do feel a little shitty about this but after this weekend we got extremely close and it scares me.

“I need time Ashton, just give me some time to figure this out on my own.” I wanted him to go to leave me alone but I also wanted him to stay right here by my side. I didn’t want his love though I knew that I was not ready for that at all.

“I want to give you all the time in the world Ari, I really do but I don’t want you messing with my head I cant take that at all.” That is what I have been doing this whole time too.

I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to stop that though..

“I just need a little more time, and when I’m ready for you to know everything I'll let you, it may be little by little when I do tell you but at least you will know something.” I had to think of something to make him stay, I couldn’t have him leaving without wanting me.

He shifted his legs around and looked down at the ground, I could tell that he was truly thinking hard about what I just said to him and that is exactly what I needed. I couldn’t lose my puppet, not yet at least.

“Okay Ari. You just let me know when you are ready.” And with those final words I watched him walk away from in into our building.

I can’t do this to myself. Not again.