At this point in my life I am used to dealing with people who have serious anxiety attacks, Celest has them often and I always know how to help her through it.

Whatever has happened to Ari is absolutely terrifying. I don’t even think that I would want to know everything to the full extent.

I always thought that his rules were just because he wanted to be the dominant one, that it was just his kink. I never thought it was due to something that has scarred him and actually hurt him to the point where he has to be this way.

He had that attack because of me. I couldn’t help myself and I had selfish thoughts so I followed through with them. I kissed him and although it ended the way it did it felt so amazing.

His lips were so soft and they had fit so perfectly with mine. They are meant to be connected to mine, I feel like he could have liked it. I wish he did at least.

The look in his eyes though...they had nothing but fear. He looked so scared as if I was going to hurt him. I wouldn’t do that, no I couldn’t do that. Not to him. I feel pretty bad about it though, no matter how much I liked it. I never wanted to see him so weak it hurt me so much to have to see that.

I didn’t want to be around anyone at the moment my thoughts were so scattered that it just sounded nice to be alone. Right about now I was most definitely wishing that I had stayed home instead of being here.

I'm so terrified that I really messed things up with Ari, I wish I understood so much more about him maybe then I could really help him and grow with him. Why is this too much to ask for?

"Ashton?" I heard behind me, I was sitting on the bed with my back to the doorway and my face towards the wall. "You alright?" That was Jacely's voice that was behind me but I didn't really wanna answer or talk to anyone.

Since I wasn't answering her she came to me and sat down on the bed next to me, she wrapped her little petite arms around me and just hugged me. I needed this, I want this. I wish this was something I could have all the time.

I'm sorry that I am wanting too much out of this world.

"I know that things seem hard right now. You have to forgive Ari though, he has been through such terrible things that no human deserves. Don't you dare feel any less of a person because you can't get him to open up. He likes you Ash, he hasn't let someone get this close in a very long time." Her words were very reassuring.

Feels like they won't matter though.

"Is he alright?" That was all I could say to her. I haven't seen him since earlier and I was very worried about him.

"He is okay. He told me that the two of you got into a pretty bad argument after what happened on the porch, don't take it too personal though Ash. If there is anyone in this world who can get under him it's Parker and Lydia. I'm sorry it happened the way it did." I wonder why he didn't say anything to her about what happened out there.

What has he been telling them?

"Ash don't get all negative about this. It will all work out I promise." I looked at the girl as she gave me such a soft smile. I see why Ari has kept her around for so long.

"Thank you for this Jace." She kissed my cheek and then stood up.

"Let's go, dinner is ready and you need to eat."

"I'm not really--"

"Oh shut up. Ari is at the table and there is an empty seat next to his where you belong. Now get up!" She grabbed my arm and pulled me to the dining room where everyone else was already enjoying their meals.

Then there was Ari. He was sitting there, talking to Alex and smiling.

There was that amazing smile that always makes me feel so much better.

Although I could still see the pain in his eyes I was glad to see that he was actually okay enough to join all of his friends. It took me a little while to finally calm him down earlier, I was nervous that his panic attack was going to get much more severe than what it was.

I sat down next him and began taking little bites out of my food. Everyone was talking with each other all while Ari and I were remaining quiet as we both ate our food.

I’m so worried that I really messed up things with us, I was really loving what he and I had going on.

“What do you do Ash?” What about what? I looked away from my food and followed the voice.

“With what?” They all chuckled at me, I have no idea what is happening.

“Work silly. Or what ever it is you do.” Jacely had said to me.

“Oh uh, I’m a photographer actually.” None of them have asked me this before. Not even Ari.

“Oh cool! What kind of photography?” Alex was all too happy about this.

“Landscaping for some. Models mostly though, it’s fun and I do enjoy my job.” I have wanted Ari to model for me some time but he doesn’t seem like the type to want to do that. “What about you Jacely?”

“Well Ari and I work together for the city. We plan big events for the city and coordinate them all. Ari and I meet with the people with the ideas and we make it happen. Well more like Ari makes it happen, he always does most of the talking and I do the writing.” I looked at Ari but he was just looking at Jacely.

“People try to get things passed us but I can easily read them and see through it all. Typically they say they want this and when they get that it always manages to become something different and that causes problems for us. So I take care of the issue right then and there.” His job actually sounds interesting to say the least.

“What about you Lydia?” It was a mistake asking her this the moment she gave me that scary grin.

“Don’t say it Lyd.” Jacely said while covering her face.

“I’m working my way up to being an adult entertainer.” Does she mean...

“A pornstar. Just say it.” Parker chimed in as he took a sip of his...whatever was in that cup.

“Fuck off Parker.” I smiled at the group of people at this table. They each show hatred for each other but you can tell that they are all like family to each other.

I’m glad that I can be a part of this because this is what I need in my life.

“So I’m pretty exhausted from today so I hope you didn’t have anything planned for tonight Jace.” Ari said to the girl.

“No I don’t, I knew from all the driving and unpacking it was gonna be pretty tiring so I figured we all would just chill or whatever.” Well thank goodness for that.

“Okay great. I’m gonna head to bed then, see y’all later.” Not once did he even look at me, he got up and went straight to our room.

Should I even sleep with him? What if he doesn’t want me there next to him?

“I guess Jacely and I will be heading there ourselves. Sorry ahead of time.” Lydia grabbed Jacely and started walking away from all of us.

I could have went without having to hear that, I don’t think any of us really want to hear any of that.

“I’m gonna do the same. Goodnight guys.” Alex then left Parker and I alone. Honestly I have never been that alone with this guy, there were times at the club that we were together but that has been about it.

Ari has never left me alone with this guy, come to think of it he doesn’t even want me around him.

Parker was staring at me which was making me nervous. Do I say something?

“This place is pretty nice.” I said trying to make the silence go away.

“Mm.” That was literally all that came out of his mouth, what am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know how to continue a conversation with something like that.

“Well—“

“Are you and Ari together?” Is this guy for real?

“Like in a relationship?” I don’t know why I am so stupid sometimes. I knew what he meant but I’m just a dumb ass.

“Yeah.”

“No. We aren’t. We are just friends and that’s probably all we are going to be.” It broke my heart to say that but it was true.

“Y’all mess around though, right?” What the hell?

“Why does it matter? I’d rather not talk about it.” I now wanna get out of this area. I don’t wanna be around him much longer.

“I used...I've had some pretty strong feelings toward Ari during the time of me knowing him. He’s a pretty great dude if I don’t say so myself. I just...I wish I never messed things up. Then maybe it would be me going back to his room..” I don’t know if he was talking to himself or me.

He wasn’t even looking at me, he was looking at the glass that was in front of him.

“Why did you do it?” I probably shouldn’t have asked but it came out of my mouth and there was nothing that could have stopped it.

“Because I’m hard headed. Because I just had to have something that I wanted so bad, it shouldn’t have happened and I am an idiot and now he literally hates me. We used to be good friends.” I couldn’t imagine the two of them being friends at all just because of the way they are together now.

This almost makes me feel bad for Parker but he shouldn’t have done what he did. You don’t take advantage of someone just because they are vulnerable.

“Everyone makes mistake Parker. We are human so it is bound to happen it all just depends on what we do to fix that problem.” Here I am trying to give him words of wisdom and he laughs. He literally laughed at what I said.

“I didn’t do a damn thing to fix it. I made it worst and I became angry at someone who actually gives a fuck about me...” Is he talking about Alex? “I’m gonna hit the hay as well. See you tomorrow Ash.” And with that he left me alone.

There is so much damn baggage within this friend group, there is so much toxicity within it yet I still want to stay and put all off the pieces together.