"Ivan!" I hear my mom calling my name. "Where are you going out in rain?" this fake concern from my mother was pissing me off.

"I'm going to meet someone, moya lyubimaya mama [my beloved mother]". I snapped at her faking a sweet tone and slammed the door without paying attention to her voice. Who is she to tell me what to do or not to do! She left me behind and ran away from everything when I needed her the most. Those days I used to cry for her affection only. I put aside all those memories of past years whenever I remember them my heart got twitched.

Right now there is only one thing rather says one person in my mind, Emil!

"Where is he?" "How is he?" My mind is clouded with so many queries regarding him, Only him. But Why?

I got irritated with these stupid conflicts in between my heart and brain. Ugh! Inhaling a deep breath I started to walk towards the Cafe Shop.

The moment I arrived at the café shop I saw him. Gazing at him I had a urge to lock him up in a room and sunk him under a jet of cold water until his skin would peel off. I want to crush his bones and that pretty face. He should feel the same pain I do, feel every passing moment.

I started walking towards him biting my lower lip. I noticed that he has got taller a bit in these last few years since the last time we saw each other. Watch at him suddenly made me remember those happenings of past three years. How it all started, slowly...

***

I was looking around the school yard for someone. Finally! I saw a cute little boy few steps away from me, sitting on the ground all alone. His baggy coat was soaked in mud. He looked funny yet sickly sweet. He is really something!

"Theo!" I whisper to him while taking him by surprise. He always looked downwards without paying attention to anyone. Every time I saw him I wonder; why he was always lost in his own world. It may sound creepy but I really want to be a part of his world. I looked down at him and our eyes met. He blushed deeply and shyly he hid his face in the collar of his coat. Oh God! How can he manage to become sweeter?

I pulled him up gently and dragged him in a corner which was hidden from the school's play yard. I couldn't resist myself from kissing his rosy cheeks. It was my first time kissing another boy and I felt nervous yet comfortable at the same time. I looked at him and he was smiling. His ears had colored into red. He looked damn adorable just like an innocent baby.

Suddenly I open my mouth to say something nice but feeling embarrassed I ended up asking him "Who buys clothes for you?"

Mentally I face palmed myself.

"It's m-my brother." He replied in a low tone without looking into my eyes. His head was buried in my chest, but he was holding my hand. I knew he was happy, even though we decided to hide our little relationship which barely bloomed. He doesn't mind. For some unfamiliar reason something really fits in between us but we were far different from each other. We're attracted to each other, perhaps for both an emotionally and sexually.

It was the very same boy who could not even say two words untill yesterday and now he's holding my hand. I know he was too innocent and timid for his own good. Everything was too easy for me but that day my little brother caught our secret and the look in his eyes was nothing but pure disgust for us, for me.

***

He was looking into the pavement with his hands in his pocket not paying attention to anything. I let out a slight smirk. He looked like lost in his train of thoughts. He was visibly paled and worn out. He lifted his head up and the moment he saw me standing right in front of him, he froze.

I still have that memory in my mind as if it was just yesterday. I walk toward him feeling confuse. I want to hurt him so bad for what he done but as well as I want to feel his skin upon mine, his breath, finding comfort in his arms and losing myself into those amber eyes, that sometime resembled a copper tin like when sun reflected in them.

I needed him...

"Hello there!" I said to him smilingly. He just glanced at me and remained silent. I can read the visible fear in his eyes. I bend my arm purposely touching his waist. His body trembles under my touch, „still shy like before," I whispered in his ear getting a bit closer.

"What you want from me?" I heard him asking me in a shuttering low voice. "Wait, Where you're taking me?" He continued while I pulled his hand which was cold. It had been raining and windy until some minutes ago. He was dressed in only a thin hoodie and some tight black jeans. His hair was slightly wet as well as his shoulders.

"Nothing and a fucking surprise," I let out a grim while slightly yelling and I pulled him from his neck toward my car. "I only want to just remember our old days and make peace," I said. He glares at me and I could see he slowly lets his guard down while looking at me.

"You know you won't be able to kill me by just glaring daggers at me," I said while we entered in the car. He didn't say anything. The drive was silent except the songs from the radio which were piercing sharply into the silence.

"Life goes on...." Three words which are easy to say but life will never be the same for me anymore... Because of Emil, who was staying so near me now, after three years, quiet like always, a thing which made my heart throb, I hated him but as well as I loved him.

I changed the channel on the radio stopping when I heard one of my favorites songs, Dark Waters by Agent Fresco, which was blasting loudly through the car.

After a while I stopped the car and we went out. "Welcome to my little surprise." with a smirk I said to Emil who looked at me puzzled. "You forgot our first and last date already?" I asked him followed by a sigh I said "Emil you can't forget about..."

"N-no." Cutting me off Emil replied firmly looking straight into my eyes. "I've forget nothing about us about you, about him." And he looked toward the sea. In front of us the endless blue sea was whirling. A mild breeze was blowing and his shoulders slumbers. Few threads of sun lights were lingering above on to the sky with an enthralling mix of crimson red and purple enchanting that dusk is falling.

He looked up at the sky and inhaling a sharp breath he started. "I remember it pretty well. How can I forget about It while It was one of the happy days in my life until..." He stopped in midway in guttural voice.

"Until you fucked my little brother's life so badly you..." I started with venom.

He looked at me with hatred and pain. My words got caught in my troth. His eyes were bloodshot. His face holds a slight of guilt too.

No, no I can bear anything but pain and hatred in his eyes for me! Never! But why I should be the one to hate Him!

"I fucked up his life! You fucked up his life..." He suddenly yells. It was the first time seeing him yelling at someone and that too on me. His voice was deep but he was terrified. He knew one word from me and everybody will start to hate him and leave his side in the blink of eyes. I let out a smile, but suddenly felt anger, but on whom? Emil or Myself! I walked towards him raising my hand up to hit his fucking face but I can't. He flinched with his eyes closed but he opened his eyes feeling nothing.

"How can you be happy and smiling like that?" I shouted infuriatingly to him. "You... I'm the one? No you're the one who fucked up my life, my family, everything of me!"

"What make you think I'm happy? If you think I'm smiling daily like an imbecile, you think I passed over everything? You're fucking wrong. Day after day I fight not to drown in depression. I'm struggling to forget that week and I curse the day I met you. Each time I close my eyes everything comes in my mind and I'm so tired all of these shit. The harder I try to move on forgetting everything; images of those past, what happen three years ago with you becomes more vivid."

Emil kneels down on the wet sand holding his head he started crying. He looked vulnerable and pathetic. I know I can crush him, easily I can get my revenge anytime soon, but suddenly my brain stopped working. My body moves on its own. I make him stand up and look at me we get lost in each other eyes. I felt like his eyes were telling me to ease his pain and love him. Unknowingly our lips started to move against each other in sync motion.

Letting out a slight moan he pulled himself out from my embrace, like a stubborn kid he is! I pulled his neck and this time forced my lips on his. I kissed him again letting myself drown in his soft lips.

"You'll only be mine," I whisper after I let him go, biting his lower lip. "Blake will never love you how I do."

I look at him and see his face becoming white and mumbling something. "How do I know?"

"It is simple. You have that same look in your eyes whenever you looked at him... You used to have that look while gazing at me, only me and now..." I gripped his jaw and looked into his eyes. "Don't get me mad, Emil. Or else everyone will come to know what you have done three years back and your little crush will hate you forever..." Looking how terrified he was and scared to lose his fake friends I felt satisfied. I always find my ways with this kid.

He had bags under his teary eyes. Theodore Emil Dashiell, you'll be only mine, even if you'll die. I'm the only one you truly deserve.

"I love you." Suddenly in my mind three words echoed. I close my eyes and I hear the wave falling on to the sea shore as well as Emil's sobbing voice. Leaning towards him I place my chin on his head, caressing his back. I truly, madly, deeply love him...

I love Theodore Emil Dashiell more than myself.