Standing across the glass door of my room I saw that it had started to pour heavily. The room was illuminated by the lightning and the sound of the rain was relaxing me, but for some unknown reason it was making me feel uneasy today. I knew that I preferred staying in the dark when it was raining.

The thunder calmed me down like always. I looked around and realized my room looks plain. Since I've moved I haven't even bothered to unpack or organize my own room, unlike my older sister and brother.

I stood up from the bed and I looked at my desk. On it I had very few books and under them a small notebook covered by a black leather cover. On it was only two letters,"LH." I reach toward it but I heard my mother's voice.

"Kids! Dinner!" My mother shouts like she's desperate. I must admit she has a strong voice. She has always terrified us when she was yelling at us, sometime she still does, but she became gentler now.

After a few minutes I enter into the kitchen. My parents were already sitting at the table, as well as Inessa and Nikolas, my sister and my two years younger brother.

I looked at them and I felt as if I'm adopted, both siblings' have blonde hair with beautiful green eyes, like my mother, while I have the black thick hair inheriting my dad's look. He was a man, which despite his age, still looks pretty well. I suddenly let out a small grin.

"How was your new school Ivan?" My dad asksed me looking a bit worried.

"It was fine," I replied to him coldly. The truth is that I was just moved here, after a long time. I stayed away from my family.

I wonder why only time has to decide everything for me, why it can't be my own decisions! Things had changed a lot. Nowadays I felt like a stranger in my own family, they acted so differently around me thinking I'm too stupid to notice the reality. Whenever I'm around my brother acted as if he is very happy but I know he's not. I fucking hate them all. All of them are deceiving me!

We used to talk a lot while having dinner but now we all eat in silence. For a while my sister was talking about her school life and her friends, which was nothing important to me and I truly didn't give a damn of her nonsense.

I'm living with my family nearly after two years and now I'm feeling awful. They all left me behind when I need them the most. Maybe they wanted to enjoy their lives and moved on from the past or maybe they were too ashamed of me to stay with me.

"Ivan, dear?" I feel my mother's hand over my shoulder which startled me. "Are you feeling alright sweetheart?"

"You blanked out for a good minute." My dad continues while having a concerned look in his eyes.

"I'm fine, just thinking about something," I told them smiling. "Just... something that happened at school today." I looked at them, scattering my thoughts I had previously; as well as the fake concern for me and their toxic sweet words like "sweetheart".

They all looked at me curious. I know they will be happy just like I was, when they will hear what I found there. They must be. I open my mouth and let it go.

"I found him," I finally blurted out with a sigh.

"You found whom?" My father said a bit puzzled while he was cutting his piece of chicken schnitzel.

"Theodore Emil Dashiell." After hearing his name I glanced up, paying attention to my parents' facial expressions. The colors of their faces got drained.

My father's jaw started trembling and he let his knife down near the plate, looking for the glass with water. My mother dropped her gaze down. My brother made an irritating grimace while my sister was in her own world.

"How did you..." He tried to ask me but I cut him off fast.

"Do you think I stayed there doing nothing?" I told my father slipping a slight grim in the corner of my mouth. "He was easy to find. Did you think I'd bother telling you daily why I wanted to go to my new school?" I was feeling satisfied of my brilliance. I had a slightly high IQ, which is not important.

"Leave him alone." My father said in an angry voice but kept it low.

"How could you say this?" I suddenly burst at the table nervously throwing the plate on the floor. "He broke me...." my breathing got hitched as I continue."He broke this family up and he ran away... he left everything messed up and now it's time that he has to pay for his misdeed."

They look at me like I was on drugs. What happened with them? I opened my mouth to say something but their eyes were piercing me. They were not feeling comfortable around me anymore; I knew it the moment I entered in the house a week ago. They were happy, only four of them, without me.

I look into my mother's eyes and I could clearly read she was feeling hurt. My brother was ashamed of me. "It is all fine." I mumbled and left the kitchen hearing my father calling my name, not caring. I was boiling inside and had no mood in seeing their faces. Once I entered in my own small sanctuary I slammed the door furiously.

I sat on the edge of the bed biting my thumb and violently shaking a leg, a thing that I do when I'm nervous or excited. It was a thing that in the last years worsened. I look around the room and I noticed the diary. I picked it up and for the first time in nearly three years, I open it.

'Tonight at the campfire I'll kiss him and I'll tell him that I love him.'

A single line had popped out in my view. The rest was erased or unreadable because some time ago the diary fell in the water. Shaking I put my hand on a pen and blindly I start writing, enraged on it, after years.

"I'll take all from him,

I'll make him crawl to my leg,

I'll fuck him until he bleed;

I love him more than anyone..."

Reading the last line made me shiver. I hated him but seeing him today all the feelings got mixed up. I flip up the diary trying to erase from my mind the last line and on the floor a photo falls down from it. When I pick it up my heart started to race. In it was Theo. He looked happy.

My arm was around his shoulder and behind us the sun was setting in the sea, leaving a glimpse of its reflection into it. I chuckled softly maybe it's an awful metaphor cause from that day everything in between us lost somewhere into the darkness of confusions just like that afternoon sun. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday... It was at the campfire before all...

I closed my eyes and shook of my head, blasting away the thoughts which were about to flood my mind.

I looked at the diary I had in hand and in one move I ripped out the page, falling on my back on the bed. I put the photo on my chest and felt my eyes burning. I was on verge of crying but I had to be strong. How could he be so happy after all it happened? Did he even have a single ounce of feelings for me!

"I do all of these only for you brother so stop giving me that look," I say while looking towards the semi opened door. Annoyingly I took the diary and throw it toward the door, closing it.

I leaned back on the bed and closed my eyes, hearing the sound of heavy rainfall. It was calming me and helping me sort out my thoughts... sometimes I got jealous of the rains, when the sky gets heavy it rains but my fragmented heart is so heavy from those past two years yet I can't cry! I can't be relieved from the unbearable pain. Suddenly I remembered something. I rolled over on the bed and from my jeans pocket, which I had tossed down on the floor when I changed; I picked up a black phone, which obviously wasn't mine.

It was on the bathroom floor near the door. Curious, I picked it up. The moment I looked over it I knew whose it was. Lucky me.

"Let's see Theo, what you have in it," I said to myself sneering out a bit forgetting about what happened early. To my disappointment I noticed he only had a few contacts. I let out a puff when I see the last name from the contact list. I could feel my face burning and inside rage was increasing. I bit my thumb again while stood up.

"You're so stupid Theo, leaving your phone in the bathroom," I mumbled to myself. I knew perfectly well what I had to do. Becoming close to the group and then...

Not thinking about anything, I pushed the call button randomly while closing my eyes. After a few seconds I heard loud music, someone screaming or laughing and a voice.