We both stayed quiet and I wasn’t too sure where the conversation is going now. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up when he said that he will consider my feelings and he also doesn’t know how to feel towards me. I could never force him to understand my feelings and I didn’t mean to confuse him as well. I probably should have kept quiet and not realized my feelings for him. I’m not even sure when I started liking him… It was before hearing Jennifer wanting to go to prom with him, I think.

Elliot sighed and that made me turn to him, “I’m sorry…” he said quietly. “I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I didn’t know what else to do and I was also really mad that he was bugging you.”

“All I said was that he was making me feel uncomfortable. He started approaching me more after you talked to him and that made it worse because that got me injured.” I told him. “My mom wants to have me homeschooled now and I’m considering it.”

“Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t think it’ll be healthy for you. Being locked up in your house, hiding from everything and everyone,” he said. “Don’t you think it’ll just convert you? I’ve seen you changed since you first started school.”

I tried not to get annoyed at his response and I did think about it. “I wasn’t that bad in my old school... Being somewhere new was what made me nervous and that’s what made me revert to my episodes... Things had calmed down for me before I moved here because I was able to adjust and I just don’t know how to feel about all that's been happening because it’s a lot of different changes that I never expected.”

Elliot took a deep breath and I think we’re both becoming overwhelmed with the conversation that we both weren't sure how to continue it without getting angry at each other.

“I want to be able to do things myself, protect myself and try not to depend on other people to fight my battles for me because if I can’t do it then that makes me feel worthless,” I tell him as I look down. “I’m tired of feeling like that and how it eats away at me. Aren’t you worried about being with someone who can’t be dependent? Wouldn’t that annoy you?” I asked him.

“I don’t think so... It’ll be new for me to care about someone as special as that, but if it's someone that I love then why should that be a burden for me?” he said. “It's me taking care of someone that I care about and I think I wouldn’t mind having to go through that with that person because these are challenges that we both should go through together.”

I sat there quietly as I didn’t know how to respond to that. What can I say about it besides wishing that there can be a person who can deal with my disorder and not grow frustrated with me?

“There is no cure. I can see a therapist or take whatever medicine that they want to give me, but I will always have my episodes and have my depressing moments.” I tell him. “I’ll always have my good days and bad days.”

He nods, “I know.”

I stared at him, “Then whatever it is... Us... We’ll just let it be as you figure out what your feelings are towards me and I’m not going to pressure you about it because I can’t do that to you.” I said. “As I said, we can just be friends if that’s how you feel towards me in the end.”

“And we’ll still be honest with each other and not put distance between each other like that again?” he asked. “I won’t do things without telling you again and I don’t like to fight either. It's not me, but I just got mad because I was worried about what he could do.”

“Thank you. I honestly don’t think I was handling it well like I wanted to, but you did step up for me and I shouldn’t get mad about that. I’m sorry that I did.” I said.

He nodded his head as we both stared at each other, not sure what else to say and I can tell that we’re both still feeling a little tense after our conversation. So, Elliot might have feelings towards me... I let myself come to terms with this fact and I don’t mind figuring it out with him on what we are together. Friends or not. Partners; lover. Acquaintance. Even if he didn’t say that he likes me, it is better than him saying that he is disgusted with me for liking him. At least he’s not like those kids from middle school who taunted me and pulled away because of my sexuality.

“You said we’re going to your dad’s for the weekend, right?” Elliot asked, breaking the silence.

I turned to him, “I am.”

“Did he ever move or does he still live there?” he mumbled and I knew what he wanted to ask.

“He could still be living there,” I answered, nodding. “I haven’t stayed at my dad’s house for a little more than a year since I was discharged, but from what I remember he never left town after knowing that I almost killed myself.”

“Did he ever come by to see you while in the hospital?” he asked and add-in. “If it's okay with me asking.”

“It's fine. He did, but only the first night when they allowed visitors, and I was unconscious so I don’t know if he said anything or how long he stayed.” I answered him. I wanted to be honest with him.

He didn’t say anything, but nod and I could tell he wanted to say something so I waited until he was ready to say it.

“Don’t see him,” he said. “I know you won’t go looking for him, but if he comes over or tries to see you don’t let him; I don’t want him to hurt you again.”

I couldn’t help but smile at his words.

“I’m being serious,” he said as he tried not to smile after seeing my reaction.

“Sorry. I know.” I said as I tried to hide my smile. “I won’t see him. I promise. I don’t want to see him.”

“Good,” he said and I could tell he was blushing a bit at how silly his request might have sounded.

I looked at him before turning away and took a deep breath. “Was that all you wanted to say?” I asked him, wanting to change the mood that I’m feeling right now.

“Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I think I said what I wanted to say,” he tells me.

“Okay.”

He slowly got up, “Then I’ll head out before your mom kicks me out.”

“I’m sure my mom won’t kick you out. She likes you.” I said as I stood up as well.

He smiled as we both made our way out of my room and I walked him to the front door. My mom must have gone to bed because she wasn’t in the living room anymore and we were by ourselves awkwardly standing at the front door unsure how to say good-bye to each other. I hope it doesn’t become awkward after the conversation because that’ll make it harder to be alone with him.

“Will you message me?”

I nod, “I will.”

“Call me if anything happens?”

“Yes.”

“I can even drive over to pick you up if you want to leave and your mom can’t get you. I have nothing planned so it won’t be a bother.”

I rolled my eyes, “I will. Don’t worry too much about me going over. I probably won’t be leaving the house while I’m there. Dad is working Saturday and I’m going to be spending time with him just watching tv or something. His girlfriend, Lily, will be there so I won’t be alone anyways.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you on Monday,” I said.

I closed the door as I watched him walk away and I still didn’t know how to feel or react to all of this. What just happened? I didn't want to let myself overreact about the discussion we had, but it happened and I am full of emotions now. I went back to my room and I laid down as I thought about what we talked about, but I know that I could never push my feelings on him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to be pressured or rush him into anything just because someone like me confessed; which I don’t want to do as well. I honestly know how confusing that can be on someone.

I laid there staring up at the ceiling knowing that I’m not going to sleep right away, but I also had slept through the day so I knew I wasn’t going to be tired just yet. I reached for my phone to put to charge and I wondered about what it would be like between us after this. No, I don’t want to be thinking about this all night. I sighed as I reached for my textbook deciding that it was better to occupy my mind than to dwell on my feelings. I let time pass as I studied and I wasn’t too sure when I fell asleep. When I finally woke up, it was past nine and I lazily made my way to the bathroom before doing anything else. I yawned as I looked around the kitchen wondering if my mom was home, but I wasn’t surprised that she had left to work. I went over to the kitchen to make myself a bowl of cereal and turned on the TV trying to distract myself.

I took some time to pack as I’m making sure that I wasn’t carrying too many clothes for a weekend. I wasn’t feeling nervous about seeing my dad, but I was getting nervous about going back to that town and even being in my old room. I sighed as I tried not to think about it, but I wondered if I could handle it. I reached for my phone and decided to text Elliot as I laid down on my bed once I was done packing and wondered if I should have just gone to school, but I think my mom is almost set on having me homeschooled now that I’ve missed school again. Would I just end up being expelled if I continue to miss more? I was about to put my phone down when it started ringing and I saw Elliot's name on the caller ID.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey, everything's okay?”

“Yeah… I was just finishing packing my stuff.” I told him then I sighed heavily. “I’m starting to get nervous about going to visit my dad.”

“I thought you wanted to go?”

“I do, but now that I’m thinking about it and I’m going back to that town, seeing people that might remember me then going back to my old room,” I said. “It was just a lot of things coming back to me that I haven’t felt in such a long time. It has been a year since I’ve gone back.”

“Well, if you still feel like that then maybe it’ll be best to tell your dad, and if you still don’t feel comfortable, then I’ll come and pick you up.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said.

“Then what do you want to do?”

“I… I wanted to go because I wanted to get away from everything that was going on here. To hide for a bit, but I now realize that going back there is also a place I was trying to run away from as well.” I tell him. “I ran away and now I’m getting scared because of the memories.”

“Well, sooner or later you were going to see your dad.” He said quietly. “Like I said if you feel uncomfortable telling your dad and hopefully he can help you out. Or just come back home if you can’t handle it. There are so many things you can do instead of just dealing with that discomfort feeling.”

I stayed quiet as I thought about it.

“Michael.”

“Yeah?” I said, pulling myself away from my thoughts.

“I still don’t really know how exactly I feel about everything, but just know that I do care about you,” he said.

I closed my eyes as this should have given me such a warm feeling. “I know.”

We hung up and I put my phone on the side while I tried to get my thoughts to settle with and begin telling myself that I shouldn’t overreact. Elliot was right. If I don’t want to stay there because of how I feel then I can always come back home and try again another time. Find a different plan for my visits with Dad and hope he can understand. After a while, my mom came home and we put my things in the car. We soon started driving off to my dad’s. I tried to distract myself by looking out the window and my mom was quiet with the radio on at a low volume. I’m sure she’s nervous herself, but she won’t tell me that. She never really tells me when she is worried unless we have our heartfelt conversations, but this is a different type of concern. We haven’t seen each other since I was a small kid. She came back to my life when I was in a bed at a hospital. How did that make her feel?

I turned to her, “Mom, are you going to be okay being alone without me for two nights?” I asked.

She smiled softly, “I think I’ll be fine.” she said and glanced over at me. “Dinner without you will be lonely, but it’ll go by fast and you’ll be home again.”

I tried to smile at her back to comfort her. “We’re gonna have pizza right?”

She laughed, “I’m sure you’ll only be eating pizza with your dad.”

“Hey, I hear Lily is a good cook,” I said. Lily is my dad’s girlfriend; he started dating her a little before my ‘accident’ and I never really had a chance to get to know her, but she seems like a nice person.

“Well, you have to let me know,” she said.