I reached over to my phone and turned it off hoping that Elliot would leave me alone for today. It might have been wrong of me to just drop that on him, but if I wanted to get over him I had to tell him and also give myself space from him. I still couldn’t believe that he got in a fight with David after what I told him and after what he caused. I sighed as I lied down again and tried not to think about it or about anything that happened. I tried to talk with my mom to help pass the time and to just help her feel at ease about what happened today. The topic did come up again while we were eating, but then it ended the same where my mom promised to talk with my dad again, and soon after I went to bed.

I woke up around four in the morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep afterward so I turned on my phone only to receive one message. I checked it to see that it was from Elliot and as I opened it I saw that it was just a simple, ‘Good Night’. I wasn’t too sure why he messaged me when I told him not to. I set my phone down and turned to lay on my side as I look at the wall trying to figure out what I’m going to do. Maybe homeschool wouldn’t be so bad, but I wanted to go to a public school to feel like I was normal again. How does it even feel to be normal? I was never normal, to begin with. I sat up as I thought about these things and I felt the house was silent since it’s so early in the morning that my mom hasn’t woken up yet. Why couldn’t life just stop and stay still like this?

I slowly got up and walked over to the restroom to look at myself in the mirror just staring at myself then I turned away. After using the restroom, I heard my mom finally getting up and moving around in the kitchen so I stepped outside to the hallway. I quietly made my way to her room going to her restroom then went through her cabinet until I found the little bottle. I opened it to grab a few pills then slowly made my way to the hallway. I put the pills in my pocket before going to the living room to see my mom cooking in the kitchen and making herself a cup of coffee.

She turned to see me standing there and smiled, “Sorry, did I wake you?” she asked.

I shook my head, “No, I just wanted to see you before you went to work.” I said and walked over to hug her. “I’ll see you later.”

She hugs me back, “You clean up the house. I’ll call the school and tell them you're not going, but we still need to discuss what to do afterward.”

I nod as I started to make my way back to my room. “Bye, mom,”

I closed the door once I was inside my room and pulled out the pills from my pocket. I took one and put the rest inside my dresser in a little bag that I had. I only had to wait a couple of minutes for the pill to work which would help me sleep and I laid down on my bed again hoping for it to work. I probably didn’t have to hide that I took the pills but with everything going on it’ll help me fall asleep easily next time. I reached for my phone and yawned as I decided to text back to Elliot, but I made it short as well.

‘Good morning.’ I sent him then I put my phone down as I began to feel drowsy and I knocked out.

By the time I woke up, my room was dark and my throat was dry. I took my time to get up and walked over to the kitchen to grab a cup of water. It was barely three in the afternoon and I slept for almost nine hours. I almost forgot how strong my pills can be, but then again I also haven’t been eating much so maybe that's why it affects me more. I put the empty cup in the sink then made my way back to my room to check my phone again. There was a message from my dad letting me know that it was fine for me to come over and another message from my mom checking in on me then there was another message from Elliot. I hesitated to read it, but all he asked was how I am doing. I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to text back, but I did. I put my phone down after the reply and closed my eyes as I tried to fall asleep which wasn’t so hard then later I was woken up by my mom after she came home from work. I got up and checked myself in the restroom before going to see her.

“Hey, mom.”

“Did you just wake up?” she asked, turning to me as she moved to put her bag down by the door.

“I just had a nap,” I said.

“So tomorrow your dad is going to pick you up, but he said for Saturday he has to go to work all day. I hope you don’t mind that and he’ll bring you back home Sunday evening,” she said.

“I don’t mind,” I said as I went to grab a cup of water.

“Are you hungry?” she asked.

“No.”

My mom was going to say something when I heard my phone ring from my room and I excused myself to go check. I sighed as I saw that it was Elliot calling and I wasn’t sure what to do. I was about to ignore it, but I ended up answering.

“Hello?”

“Hey, what are you doing?” he asked.

“Um, nothing... Homework.” I lied as I sat down on my bed. “What do you want?”

“To talk.”

“About?” I asked. “I wasn’t expecting you to call me.”

“I know, but it's kind of not fair that you said all that without hearing what I have to say,” he said.

“What is there to say? You don’t have any interest in guys and I should also get over you as well.”

“I know... I think I’m just a bit confused,” he said. “Can I see you?”

“No,” I answered quickly.

“Please.”

I sighed, “And if you come?”I asked.

“I just want us to talk.”

I thought about it for a bit before I decided how to answer and I pressed my lips together, “Fine.”

I stepped out of my room to inform my mom about Elliot coming over and I decided to clean myself up then cleaned my room. I sighed as I tried not to overthink what he would want to say or the possibility that maybe he wanted to end our friendship because I confessed to him. I stared out the window for a long minute, thinking, before I shook my head and just waited to see what he would say. He came over in ten minutes and was knocking at the door to my room. There was an awkward silence as we both sat on my bed when I let him in and I decided to just hear him out.

“So....” I say as I try to break the silence.

“I don’t know how to explain it.” He said as he glanced over at me. “I never had a guy confess to me before so I’m not too sure how to feel about it.”

I stared at him for a second before turning away, “What is there to feel? You said that you are straight. I still think I might be confused about your kindness only because I haven’t met someone like you before…”

“I can understand. I also never thought about being in a relationship with a guy and I was surprised when you said all that to me,” he said.

I paused for a second as I tried to figure out what to say, “Are you saying that you are considering my feelings?” I asked.

He didn’t answer right away and was looking down at my bedsheets. “I don’t know,” he answered.

There was another silence and I was just in complete shock before I turned to him. “I didn’t say that to confuse you,” I said.

“No, I know,” he said, shaking his head.

He was quiet again as I looked at him trying to think of the words I want to say but he cut my off first, “I don’t want there to be a distance between each other and I sound stupid saying this, but I always worry about you. Not in a bad way, but like I’m always curious if you're okay; if you're dealing with something difficult. I want to be there with you.” he said and I can see his face turning red.

I blushed too as I never been told this before and I wasn’t sure how to respond.

“I just want to say that I’m considering your feelings... I just don’t know how to give you a response...” he said.

“I didn’t expect a response,” I said and I slowly turned to him. “I also don’t want you to pressure yourself because I said that I like you. I also don’t want to overthink my feelings because you’ve honestly been the nicest person that I’ve met in such a long time and I only think I feel this way just because you’ve said a few kind words that I didn’t think I needed to hear.”

Elliot didn’t say anything so I continued, “But, I do like you and I was okay with us just being friends. I didn’t realize that I had feelings for you until I said them but I know I should forget about how I feel.”

Elliot was still quiet until he turned to me again, “Can you?” he asked. “Have you forgotten about your feelings towards Chris?”

I paused for a second, “I don’t think I can change my feelings towards him because he had meant so much to me before things went bad, but I can’t forgive him for what he did as well. I can’t bring myself to go out with a guy like him or even him himself.” I said. “That’s why I want to forget how I feel towards you because he was kind to me like you are now and he slowly changed to someone I don’t know. I guess I’m also afraid that you could change as he did.”

“I’m nothing like him. I don’t want to be compared to him. I think I know my right to wrong and I would never hurt someone like that,” he said. “Not even when it's someone I love.”

“You fighting David and going to him behind my back is something that I didn’t expect from you,” I said. “I felt betrayed because for a second I wasn’t too sure if I can tell you these personal things anymore and I’ve never seen you hit someone before.”

“I only did that because I saw him bullying you and I was trying to help you,” he said.

“And I was trying to deal with it.” I cut him off. “I have to deal with it.”

“Not on your own.”

“That’s how it’s always been,” I said and I almost raised my voice. “I never asked for your help like beating up my bully.”