“I apologize to pull you out of work, but it seemed like a topic that we could not pass.”

I was sitting in one of the leather chairs in the principal office and my dad was sitting in the other chair beside me. He was wearing his work uniform and he didn't have the kindest expression on his face, I’ve never seen him like this; which I knew meant that he would rather be at work than here. I looked down at my hand as I couldn't help feeling the pounding of my heart and I didn't know where to focus. I was sitting in the office for over thirty minutes and most of the ten minutes were in silence before my dad came. I tried hard to not move or make any noise so I wouldn't be disturbing anyone. At the age of twelve, it feels like anything I say or do will get me more in trouble than I have to be.

“Well, I would like to know what is going on first because all I heard was that my son was disturbing the class and that another kid was also suspended for harassing him,” he said. “What happened exactly?”

The principal cleared his throat as if he wasn't sure where to start and glanced over at me, “Well, it seemed like one of the boys in his class was calling Michael names and to came to the point that Michael was not comfortable enough that the boy had to be escorted out.” he tried to explain.

“He was calling him names? Like what?” he asked, still confused.

The principal nodded over to me to show that he wanted me to say them or he rather I say it so he wouldn’t have to.

I opened my mouth before I closed it, feeling my face growing hot, embarrassed that the attention was on me now, and I took a deep breath. “They were calling me: gay and faggot... Because I was messaging a boy online, a friend, and were teasing me saying that it was my boyfriend.” I said.

“Our computers are going to be needing a new update with the limits of sites, but we don't really allow the students to be using them for their own private use... The concerning situation is that we have to take this as serious since people complain about how the boy was behaving towards your son and considering the language that was used we had to suspend the boy who was involved. Our school doesn’t tolerate any homophobic behavior and it’ll be for the safety of the students.” The principal said and sighed. “All I want to say to end all this is that he's lost privilege on using the computers for the rest of the semester and only used with permission from the teachers.”

My dad didn't say anything for a good two minutes and he nods his head afterward. “Alright,” he said before glancing over at me. “Well, thank you for informing me of this,” he said.

I wasn't too sure what my dad was thinking and I couldn't believe what was going on. I saw my dad standing up and I wasn't too sure what was going to happen to me.

“Is it fine if I pull Michael out for the rest of the day? We're going to have to discuss what happened.” My dad said.

“Of course. It's fine,” he said nodding before turning to me. “Michael, boys can be rude at times and name calling is not allowed. If any of these boys tease you that way again, please reach out to your teacher or me. We don't tolerate that sort of behavior.”

“Yes, sir,” I said, quietly.

I followed my dad out of the office and he signed a few papers that were waiting for him from the secretary to release me for the day. He spent a few minutes with that and once done we headed to the car and I was quiet the whole time. How am I going to explain all this to my dad again? I have barely come to terms that I am gay and does that mean I have to come out to my dad now? What will he do when I do tell him? All these thoughts came at me and I felt a knot on my chest that was making it hard to breathe. I didn't know what to do while feeling like this and I couldn't help but cry silently as I got in the car in the back seat not wanting to sit by my dad in the front.

My dad looked back seeing that I was sitting in the back and saw my expression. “Why are you crying?” he asked.

I couldn't say anything but shook my head as I wiped the tears and felt like it wouldn't stop. “I'm sorry,” I said

“About?” he asked. “Was it about what those boys said to you?”

I shook my head.

“Don't listen to what they say because it's embarrassing to have people talking to you that way and they'll continue to tell those lies again,” he said as he turned away to turn on his car. “I don't know why you were messaging another boy like that when you should be focusing on your schoolwork."

“I didn't mean any of it,” I said as I tried to calm myself. “It wasn't like I wanted them to call me that…”

“With you crying like that, that will make them think you are gay. Makes it look like you're guilty as if you are one,” he said as he started driving. “Where do they even learn those words. I’m sure it was just embarrassing being called gay in front of the whole class.”

“But, Dad, I am gay,” I said letting it out and it felt like I was forcing the words out of my mouth.

I can hear my dad sigh heavily as he shook his head. “You got to be joking. You're twelve years old so how would you know?” he asked me.

“Because I do... I like boys…” I said like I’m trying to convince him.

“Have you kissed a boy?” He asked.

“No.”

“Did someone make you think that way? Was it that online friend?”

“No!” I said turning to him.

“Then? How can you know if you never have done any of that? You're just confused. You don't know what you want.” he said.

“I'm not, Dad," I said, feeling confused at the things he said and I wanted him to understand that I was trying to be serious. “I am gay.”

My dad sighed again and it got really silent in the car until we finally came to our house as he parked on the driveway. “You're grounded. No computer, cellphone, or playing any games until I tell you when you can have them back,” he said turning to me. “And you're not allowed to talk to that friend of yours. Where do you even talk to these strangers online?”

I looked at him and felt that knot feeling in my throat like I couldn't talk. “He's not the reason why I'm gay.” I tried to say. “It’s just a game community chat for kids my age. But I’m just trying to tell you-”

“We're done talking about it. I don't want to hear any of it,” he said, cutting me off and his voice raised a bit.

“But Dad-”

“That's it! The conversation is over. Go inside and I'll be back after I'm off work.” he said. “This will not happen again. I don't want to be called because kids are calling you a faggot. If you want to say that you are one then you have to deal with people calling you that and don't just cry because you don't like it. Are you expecting me to be happy knowing this? Maybe you should have kept that to yourself until you got a girlfriend and then you can tell me if your still gay or not.”

I sat there looking down at my pants as I was in tears again and it was silent as I couldn't bring myself to say anything. There is nothing for me to say back to that and I didn't have the courage to even talk back to him. I unlocked my door and got out of the car without saying anything then made my way to the front door without looking back. Once the door closed behind me, I finally cried leaning back against the door and I thought I was hyperventilating because I had a hard time breathing. I tried to not panic, but my chest started feeling tight and my breath came out short and I wasn't too sure what to do.

I walked to the restroom as I felt myself falling on my knees leaning over the toilet and I think my emotions of the day were all coming to me right now. I had never felt this way before and I didn't know what to do and there was no one home so I was all alone. At this point, my breathing finally calmed after I tried to take deep breaths and I can only think about what my dad said to me. How did today end like this and for my dad to tell me those things? How can I go to school tomorrow after all that happened? But I just came out to my dad and I wasn’t expecting him to respond like that to me.

For a second I wasn't too sure what happened because I'd never felt like this before and I wasn't too sure if I was getting sick after everything that happened. I leaned towards the sink and turned on the water to wash my face. Once I felt well enough I went over to my room and laid down on my bed as I just breathed calmly now hoping that I can just relax. How was I supposed to expect the outcome of me finally coming out to my dad and it wasn't even the way that I wanted to, but I wasn't even ready myself to even say a word about it to him.

I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up my dad was already home. I can hear him moving around in the kitchen and I could only just close the door wanting to just hide away in my room. I didn't want to talk to him; I didn’t want to continue our conversation and I was also just scared to hear anything that he had to say. There was a small voice in the back of my head trying to tell me that I was lying to myself and to never think about boys that way again, but I was only lying to myself. Another wave of panic struck me as I wondered what the kids will do when I return tomorrow or the kid who was suspended. Dad never checked in on me and I skipped out on dinner. I wasn't hungry.