I lay there quietly and knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep so easily and I knew that I would be up a little longer than I would want to. I wasn't too sure how long time had passed and if he was asleep or not because it was too quiet. I shifted as I tried to get comfortable and I finally yawned, showing that I was growing tired. Thinking about it, it was nice of him to come by and to check on me as well. But I felt like he had to because of what happened earlier today and it wasn't a situation that can be ignored so lightly as well. Maybe he was worried that I would do something and he only came by because he wanted to keep an eye on me. These thoughts were only getting me upset so I sighed and tried to ignore everything that I was thinking about. I had to try and sleep or I'll be up all night trying to pick a battle with these thoughts that I'm having. I can't be doing this to myself.

I didn't wake up until morning at the usual time I woke up for school and I turned over to my side to see Elliot still asleep on the floor. I sighed as I watched him before reaching for my cell phone to see the time and I got out of bed, walked around Elliot, then went to see if my mom was still home or if she had left to work. I found her in the kitchen pouring herself coffee in her traveling mug and turned when she saw me walk over to her.

“Hey, morning,” she said as she put her mug down. “How are you, honey?”

“I'm good. Tired.” I said as I walked over to give her a side hug. “You're leaving already?”

“Yeah, they left me a message asking if I wanted to work overtime so I decided to take the chance,” she said and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “So, wanna tell me about yesterday?”

I sigh, “I kind of didn't feel good.” I said not sure how to explain it without worrying her. “Elliot helped me when I couldn't handle it on my own and he wanted to make sure I was okay afterward; which is why he slept over. I'm sorry that I pulled you out of work.”

“No, it's okay. I don't care about work when you don't feel well... But it's been happening a lot more frequently, Michael, and honestly, I'm growing a little concerned about you.” she said, frowned as she tried to get an answer out of me. “Have things been difficult here? Would you rather go with your dad?”

“No, mom. It's nothing like that. I like living here with you... It's more of me. I'm just really trying to adjust to being new at school and I don't want to worry you all the time because I know work is really important for you right now.” I said as I looked down at the box of pizza Elliot and I left on the counter. “I liked living with dad, but I don't want to live there now. Not after what happened... Chris is still there and I can't... I don't want to go back there.”

“But all that's been going on isn't healthy for you,” she said. “Maybe we should see a therapist as we've talked about. You can't just stop seeing one.”

“I know, but I don't want to go back to the medicine they'll give me. I just felt so tired all the time and I just didn't feel anything with them. If I take them again, I don't think it'll help me, but make it worse.” I tried to explain.

“Then we'll try a different medicine.”

“Medicine can't fix me, mom,” I said a little loud and that made both of us pause.

“I know, I know,” she said as she reached out to pat my shoulder to calm me, but I stepped away not sure if I wanted that physical contact or because I was a little mad at our discussion.

My mom stared at me a little surprised before she reached for her keys and grabbed her mug before pausing to turn to me. “Okay, you won't go to your dad's, but that doesn't mean that you can't come to me and hide away just because I'm working. I'm your mom, Michael. Please trust me a little. Please.” she said.

I saw her almost close to tears and I felt guilty that I had pushed her away. “I do,” I said as I wasn't sure what to do or say to convince her. I wanted to reach out to her, but I couldn't bring myself to move and I wasn't sure if she even wanted me to after what I did.

“I have to go. It's getting late,” she said as she grabbed her keys then made her way out the door.

I stood there, confused, as I tried to process the conversation we just had and how it ended like this. How did it come to us arguing and how could I just push her away like that as if I couldn't trust her with the things I felt. I covered my face as I took a deep breath and exhale as I tried not to get emotional, but I felt the small self-hatred grow inside me. Everything that I’ve been trying to do has been backfiring at me or maybe I just lost touch completely on how to communicate to people. Everything that I’ve been doing or saying has been full of hatred or self-doubt that I can’t differentiate between my emotions.

“Michael.”

I looked up to see Elliot standing at the doorway, making me snapback, and I stood up. “Sorry, did we wake you up?” I asked.

“Michael, let's go back to bed. It's early,” he said in a really soft tone.

I slowly walked over to go back to my room and I laid down on my bed without saying anything. Elliot sat on the bed beside me and we both were quiet.

“You might not believe it, but you're doing fine. Maybe it might not feel like it, but you're doing your best and I know I'm like a stranger to you to be saying this to you... I am proud of how much you’re trying.” Elliot said as he looked down at the floor.

I was staring at the wall as I listened and I couldn't help having this tight feeling in my chest. Why is he saying this to me? I pulled the covers over my head as I felt a few tears and I repeated his words in my head. No one had told me that they were proud of me in such a long time. Not the way he said it. I suddenly felt him hugging me over the blanket and I kept myself hidden underneath not wanting to show myself to him. But then again his hug was comforting and I didn’t shake him off. It felt so warm having someone hug me and I don’t think I’ve had anyone hug me in such a long time.

“Give your mom time and talk it over again with her. She knows you're trying and just needs time to understand how you have been feeling,” he said quietly as he let go of me. “Go back to sleep. We can go out later if you feel like it.”

I sniffed as I wiped my face, “Alright.” I said.

I felt the bed squeak as he got up and the sound of him going back down to the floor. I waited for a while until I uncovered myself and when I was calm enough I closed my eyes. I tried not to think about it as I fell asleep and I honestly felt a lot calmer now after what Elliot said to me. He did it again. He calmed me with just a few words. Why? Why does it affect me so much? I felt myself breathing more easily as I slowly started to drift off and within a few seconds, I was asleep. When I woke up I felt more tired as if I hardly slept and I wasn't too sure if that's how I wanted to feel. I turned to the floor to see that Elliot was gone but he had folded up the blankets and I turned to check my phone to read that it was half-past eleven. I slowly got up to step out to the living room, running my fingers over my bed hair and saw Elliot sitting in the living room watching a show on the television.

“Sorry, I slept in,” I said when he saw me.

Elliot grabbed the remote to lower the volume and turned to me. “No, it's fine. I thought you needed the rest... I didn't want to wake you up.” he said.

I moved over to sit beside him and he watched me carefully. “What?” I asked.

“I was just curious... About what happened…” he said, unsure how to finish the sentence. “I didn't mean to listen… When I woke up I saw you weren’t there so I got up to look for you.”

I shrugged my shoulders and I turned away from him, “I think she's right about me seeing a therapist, and the last time I was doing therapy they gave me an anti-depressant hoping that would help me, but it only made me sleep a lot and my anxiety got worse. I didn't like having both feelings because whenever I felt anxious I would use the pill to let me sleep it off. If anything, it made me more depressed than it was supposed to help.” I tried to explain. “I stopped taking the pills, but I still have them. My mom keeps them in her room cause there was a time I would abuse them when I was living with my dad.”

He nods and turns back to the tv before turning to me again. “Michael…” he said, hesitating.

“What?”

“Chris... He did something, didn't he?” he asked.

I didn't answer him and it seemed like Elliot knew the answer before I opened my mouth. “It's complicated…” I said.

“How?” he asked. “I thought he cared about you?”

I rubbed my forehead as I tried to find the words. “He does... I mean, did. Chris changed slowly and he made some bad choices.” I said before taking a deep breath. “It's not an excuse, but it just got complicated and one thing led to another... I can't trust him again, but it's hard to explain how it was between us.”

“Then tell me what happened.”

I paused as I tried to find out what to say and shifted myself to face him, “It happened five years ago and it wasn't Chris who started all this. I was a little insecure about my sexuality when I was young and I was trying to figure myself out because I was confused about why I was having these crushes on a boy in my class. Why was I liking my friend a little more than I do compare to my other friends? Why did I only want his attention and want him to smile at me when he sees me? What was that supposed to mean?” I said as I tried to explain it to him. “And for a second I wondered if I liked him more than a friend... But that was bad if anyone found out.”

“Why?”

I looked at him, “You know how bullies can be. They'll be calling you 'faggot' and 'pussy boy'. I remembered them calling a boy 'gay' before I even knew what that meant and I was scared to be called that.” I said. “I slowly became cautious about myself and I had to remind myself to act like a boy. Boys don't like boys. So I tried to keep a distance from that friend that I liked and from any boy that I was scared to be seen alone with.”

Elliot listened and he had the most serious expression that I've seen on him. Like he’s taking in every word I’m saying.

“In seventh grade, I was eleven years old at the time, I was on the computer at school and a boy came to see what I was doing. The school didn’t have good security on sites so I was messaging back to a friend I met online, a boy, and they looked over my shoulder to read. They began to ask who I was talking to and the teasing started that it was a boyfriend and I was hearing them laugh.” I said as I recall everything that happened. “I panicked so much that I kept telling them that it was just a friend. I was also scared because I actually did have feelings for this pen-pal friend of mine and I felt like I finally got caught.”

“And what happened?”

“I cried... I cried and the other kids that I saw called the teacher and they checked to see what happened. Apparently, the kid’s reported about what happened and the main bully was almost suspended because they filed it as harassment…” I answered. “He ended up bullying me for the rest of the year.”

“I'm sorry....” he said, quietly.

I shrug my shoulder. “I transferred schools after that year and that's when I met Chris. Chris was different compared to the people I was around in my old school.” I continued on. “He didn't give a care about what people told him or what he did. He was outspoken and was the opposite of me.”

“You liked him because you wanted to be like him...?” he asked.

I smiled, “I guess so. I thought he was cool and maybe I wanted to be like him. We became friends because we sat next to each other in class. I wanted to change from the kid who was bullied and that meant to change who I was, but I didn't have to be around Chris.” I said and looked down to pick at the end of my shirt. “He slowly opened up to me as I hanged out with him and it was like he knew that I was gay. He never judged me. He didn't mind when I leaned my head on his shoulder, when I wanted to be hugged by him, and when he did all that I couldn't help falling for him.”

“Were you in love with him?”

I looked at him and nodded, “I think so.”

“But he also hurt you,” he said as if to remind me.

I sat back against the sofa and nod slowly before looking at him. “He did…” I said and it grew silent between us. “Sometimes I remember how bad it was... But I also remember the good. My mind makes me forget both sides that happened and there are times where the bad just repeats and repeats in my head.”

“You can't confuse yourself about it all though. You're going to wind up in a cycle and it'll repeat.” He tells me.

“I know that,” I said, cutting him off. “I know and that's why I don't want to get myself involved with anyone because I'm also afraid of my judgment. I loved someone who hurt me and I allowed it. Aren't I as fucked up as he is?”

Elliot didn't say anything before turning away and we grew silent once more. He didn't say anything after a while and for a second I wondered if he wanted to leave. Forget the whole conversation we just had. Forget about me. To leave before this becomes more serious that he can't get himself out of. But the funny thing is, Elliot isn't weak compared to me. He is nothing like me... And nothing like Chris as well. I wanted to apologize and tell him that I didn't mean to lash out at him because this was my way to defend myself. I didn't know how else to react but hide behind my anger.

“Since it was the first time someone ever showed affection towards me, I wanted to treasure it. It felt so right that I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to let him go.” I said as I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. “I didn't feel alone when I was with him.”