“I was in a relationship with someone when I was living with my dad,” I said as I slowly turned to Elliot.

“The first boyfriend?” he asked.

“Yeah, my first crush, first love, first of everything,” I answered. “I thought he was everything until I realized he wasn't and I was stupid to believe all the things he told me.”

“What happened?” he asked.

I sighed, "I don't know if I did something or he ended up being ashamed of me…” I tried to answer as I looked down.

“Seems like things didn't go well…” he comments, as he watched me.

“It didn't, which is why I'm here now, here with my mom.”

“Was he the reason why you were in the hospital?” he asked.

“Kind of,” I said standing up walking towards the water again.

Elliot got up to follow behind me. “Did you try to kill yourself because of him?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess you can say that,” I answered as I watched the water hitting my shoe and Elliot pulled me away from getting wet.

“Hey…” he said and paused as if he didn't know what to say next.

I took a deep breath and turned to him. “His name was Chris. We were friends for a long time before we got together and it happened just a little after my birthday. I thought things were going well until the bullying started. They thought I was gross for being interested in guys, but he didn’t know anything about it.”

“So, he let you get bullied?” he cut in.

“It wasn't like that. He didn't let it happen.” I said. “What else could be done...”

“Don't say it like that. He should have stepped in and helped. He could have told them to stop or called a teacher or something.” he said. “It's not like it was your fault and it wasn't right for him to just watch all that happen.”

I shook my head and crouched down. “I know all that already... But it was all different than you think too.” I mumbled.

It was silent between us before he reached down to tap my arm, “Come on, it's getting cold.” he tells me.

I slowly got up and we walked back to collect the blanket, thankful that we were done for today. I didn't want to continue the conversation because I didn't know how I could after what I said and I don't think he was ready to hear the rest. I wasn’t ready to have a serious conversation and to see his reaction afterward. I haven't said Chris's name in a while and I didn't think I would be this comfortable to talk about him; sort of. I wasn't too sure if it was good to talk about the past because now I’m having flashbacks of events that I tried to forget and I had to watch Elliot distract myself before letting these thoughts get the best of me. We walked back to the car and it was still silent so I thought maybe I had to say something before it was too late.

“I'm sorry,” I said.

“For what?” he asked.

“I feel like you're mad about what I said,” I said.

“I'm not mad,” he answered.

I looked down trying to figure out what to say next.

“I'm not mad at you or anything. I'm just not sure what to think about what you said,” he replied. “I can't say anything because I don't know what exactly happened or how it went for you but just remember that the people who bullied you were also at fault. Just because you have an interest in a person of the same-sex doesn't make you unusual or odd and it doesn’t make it right.”

I thought about this before turning to him. “There's not a lot of people who think that way. It's nice hearing you say that, but it's not that easy for everyone else.” I said.

“Then fuck them.”

I turned to him and smiled. “What?”

“I said fuck them. Fuck them if they don't accept it because you don't need people like that in your life. Like who cares about the people who judge because those aren't people who you want to please in your life. You're not living your life for them so just don't care about what they think. At the end of the day, you have to be happy for yourself and not for them.” He tells me.

I paused for a bit and thought about it before turning away. “You make it sound so easy,” I said.

“It's not like it is easy, but that's just how it has to be in life and you just don't have to care about the people that aren't important to you.” He said. “It's just how things have to be if it's for yourself.”

I sighed as I thought about it again and maybe he was right, but it wasn't so easy to do for me right now, single or not. We got back to his car and I helped him shake off the sand from the blanket before putting it away. We got in the car and we didn’t have much to talk about during the drive which was fine because I still had no response to the things that Elliot said. Maybe he could be right since he’s had his own experience to have something to say like that, but it still wasn’t the same things that I went through. When we finally came to my house I had another pause when I got out of the car, just for a second before closing the door.

“Thanks," I said as I turned to him through the open window.

“I hope it made you feel better than the opposite…” he said.

I knew he meant about our conversation, but I honestly wasn't too sure about how I felt now. “I'll be fine. It helped.” I reassured him.

I headed towards the door to unlock it and saw my mom wasn't home yet. I put my bag down as I laid down on my bed while sighing heavily as I thought about today. I reached out to grab my phone that I left behind on my nightstand and looked through the unread messages my mom sent me before I slowly went to my contacts. I scrolled until I saw Chris's name and I paused for a second thinking about the last time I saw him, but I set my phone down as I closed my eyes pulling the covers closer to me. I swore I would never get myself involved with him again and keep myself hidden away so he wouldn’t find me. I even doubt that that number would even work after everything that happened between us.

I ended up falling asleep easing myself to only recall my time at the beach instead and by the time I woke up it was past eleven and there was a plate on the table. My mom left me a note on how she didn't want to wake me up and I grabbed the plate to warm up the food. I took it to my room and quietly ate as I put on some music then I pulled out my textbook to work on my homework. I didn't think I would be doing my homework in the middle of the night or that I had been tired enough from earlier that I knocked out right away after getting home. I finished eating and set the plate on the side and worked on my homework for almost a whole hour. It wasn't a lot of work, but there was a lot of reading to do. This will be the last time I fall asleep before doing my homework

Once I was done I put my books away and took the plate to the sink then laid down on my bed again. I reached for my phone and quietly stared at it before setting it down and pulled my covers over myself trying to get comfortable again. I don’t know why I kept checking my phone as if I was expecting someone to message me. By the time morning came, I was already waking before my alarm so I got up to shower taking this chance to get myself ready and it must be because I slept early last night. I can hear my mom in the kitchen so I stepped out of my room to see her.

“Morning mom,” I said hugging her.

“Morning. You're finally awake,” she said, giving me a hug back. “I called you so many times and you didn't answer so I checked in on you to see that you were asleep.”

“Yeah, sorry, I was really tired so I knocked out. I didn't even hear you come home.” I said as I went to my room to grab my bag and put it on the couch.

“You're leaving early?”

“Yeah, I want to walk it today,” I said.

“Elliot can't pick you up?" she asked. “Want me to take you?”

“No. I just really want to walk today.” I said as I reached for my phone and sent a text to Elliot before turning to her. “Mom…”

“Yeah?” She said as she began to go through her purse.

“I don't want to go stay with dad... I've been thinking about it and I'm just scared…” I said.

“Why?” She asked, turning to me. “I thought everything was okay about staying with him.”

“I thought so too, but thinking about going back there after everything... Like, I know we all agreed to this instead of going to court, but why can't he just come by?” I said. “That shouldn't be an issue right?”

“I know, but with me going to work and he doesn't want to lose time with the drive so he thought this would be better.” she said, reaching out to me and grabbed my hand. “Give it a try and if it doesn't work out then we can try some else. Anything that would be better for you.”

I turned to reach for my backpack. “Okay,” I said as I moved to the door. “I'm going already.”

“Are you sure you don't want a ride?” she asked again.

“Yeah, I can walk.”

I closed the door behind me and walked down the driveway as I’m checking my phone to follow the directions since this is my first time walking to school. It really wasn't a long walk to get there, maybe twenty minutes, but with Elliot driving it cut it down to a five-minute drive. There was a small park that I used as a shortcut and as I was walking I felt my phone vibrating to see that it was Elliot calling. I paused for a bit, ignoring the call, sighing heavily, then I walked over to the swing sets and when I sat down I felt my phone ring again.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“At the park, why?”

“Are you sure you don't want a ride? I can get you right now if you want,” he said.

“No, I want some fresh air.”

“Are... Are you okay? After everything we talked about yesterday.”

I was silent for a second before I got up. “I'm fine,” I said as I started walking again.

“Michael…”

“It's really okay. I told you that I don't want you walking on eggshells around me. Just because I say something to you doesn't mean I can be affected by it so easily or will put me in a mood." I tell him. “Besides, I was already bothered by other things and not about that.”

“I know, but remembering things like that can still leave an effect.”

I paused for a second and sighed, “I know. I'll see you at school, Elliot. I just wanted a bit of air. It has nothing to do with you or the things we talked about.”

“Alright. Just be safe,” he tells me.

I hung up right after and put my phone away as I continued walking remembering the directions I had to take. I didn't want to talk about yesterday or anything that was brought up. I knew that the topics we shared can't easily be ignored and it was also my fault for bringing them up, but maybe it wasn't right for me to be sharing these things to him. Maybe he didn't understand like I thought he would, but then I’m just deciding on this and I could be overthinking. I sighed as I tried to push back all these thoughts and just continued my way to school only hoping for my mood to lighten up to enjoy my day.