CHAPTER TWO—SOME WHAT IFS

One of the reasons why I cry over being unsatisfied must be because I wanted to be satisfied. One by one, our instructor led us out of the bus as we arrived at our second destination. Lunch passed and chatters of excitement buzzed. Clear skies of blue and white hovered above us.

"Form a group of three and you can roam around the area. You should be back here by sunset. Dismissed." I scrutinized Ms. Therese. She merely waved her hand in dismissal before following her colleagues. When the miss disappeared from their sights, the noise heightened. Stuffing my hands inside my pockets, I turned towards a sulking Yvette and Danilo.

"You heard her." I said. They ignored my words. Sighing, I shrugged and left.

"Wait. Where are you going?" Yvette demanded. Probably, she noticed when I walked away in a certain distance that I was really leaving them. I raised my arm and waved without looking back. "Ma'am Therese said to form groups of three. You're coming with Danilo and I."

Footsteps shuffled behind me. A groan that most likely came from Danilo drifted to my ears. Followed by a grunt and a scoff, Yvette walked by my right while Danilo leisurely strutted on my left. Silence followed as we trudged straight without a clear destination.

"Yvette, you can join the others. I bet that you don't want to be caught in this depressing silence." I muttered after half an hour of tense atmosphere. We reached our former neighborhood, I noticed. My back stiffened along with my tense shoulders. The air around me seemed to be sucked out as my breathing stuttered. I didn't want Yvette to witness a breakdown. It's better if she left. "Danilo, you can accompany her."

"No." I pursed my lips at his answer. "You're here. I know what you're thinking. Contrary to your thoughts, I don't hate you... that much."

I blinked, startled. A tiny spark of heat blossomed in my core. We already passed the candy shop and the abandoned wooden station. Glancing at my friend with his lowered head, I shook my head. A strand of hair covered his eyes, hiding a glimpse of what he's thinking. "I know, but please. Yvette, I want to be alone."

"Come on. What's happening? There's no use hiding it. I noticed how your demeanor changed as soon as we entered the town along with him. You're acting strange." I sensed genuine worry in her voice, but I only stared at Danilo. Hearing Yvette, he also glanced at me. "Danilo, help me. You've been friends for years, right? I can use a little bit of help from the childhood friend, too."

"Yvette." Danilo murmured when I widened my eyes. After a decade of acquaintance, we knew each other well including what we meant with just speaking through our eyes. His hazel eyes darkened as he averted his eyes. Looking straight ahead, he saw a familiar railway bridge. What was once new was a mere shadow of itself now. Halting and letting me walk past them, he grabbed a complaining Yvette. "Let's leave him alone."

I didn't wait for them to leave. Yvette's voice receded from behind until they turned in a corner. Suddenly, my feet halted when I took a first step on the familiar railway bridge. A single day never passed without the image of the nostalgic bridge passing my thoughts. Arches and bars of rusted iron framed the bridge. The sound of the wind hitting the calm waters from below resounded with the accelerating beat of my heart.

Slowly, my feet took me in the middle. A place that held both pleasant memories and nightmares of the past. Giggles and laughter from my childhood rang inside my ear along with someone's voice. It had been a year since I visited.

"Are you watching?" I murmured. Inhaling the familiar scent of the river and the unique scent of my hometown, a tear trailed down my cheek. "You told me that I was stronger than you. You're wrong. Look at us. I'm living and you're... gone. See, you had the courage that I always lacked."

I hated my hometown. I loved to watch the snow piling up. Buried in a cold think blanket of pure white snow seemed befitting. If only the town could sink underneath the pile too. However, it was the town that he was raised, so I would still love it.

"Back then, I wanted to join you in this bridge. It looked fun. In my eyes, at that time you're tougher than the rest of us. Why did you leave everything to me? You would have done a better job at living." I clutched the railing with both hands. Coldness seeped from iron into my skin. Closing my eyes, I welcomed the breeze blowing from below. It pushed me as I leaned and looked below. When we were children, the height chased us away, but now... I gained height, curiosity, and enough courage. "Maybe, if I did it now, I can follow you."

The winds carried my voice. It tingled down my chest towards my limbs. The clear waters below rose and retreated like it tempted anyone that stared long enough. With a step closer, my chest bumped on steel. Feet stepped on a horizontal bar connecting the bars of the railing below. Standing in full height, I stared at the river. I gulped, biting my lip. "Even by merely existing, my conscience ached. It's quite unfair of you."

He made me choose between two persons. Myself, which I hated the most and the person that I treasured the most. I could only save one. Still, I hesitated. Maybe, that's just how humans were. "It was a day like this."

Lifting my head upwards the sky, I noticed grey clouds covered the once clear skies. Closing my eyes and savoring the nostalgia seemed wrong but fitting. As I unfurled the memories that I managed to salvage, my hands trembled against the rustic metal. Once, those childhood memories had a special and bright place in my chest. Now, only cold numbness remain along with an ache constricting my throat.

"Hurry, please disappear." I groaned. My voice cracked. I began thumping on my chest. It hurt. Like two invisible walls compressed me in between. With hopes of chasing the suffocating sensation, I harshly thumped on my aching chest. My eyelids slid open.

Dusk set in as the horizon hid half of the orange sun. Crickets chirped in the surroundings. I noted half of my torso dangerously hovered outside the railings. My feet anchored my body on the bridge, but if I let go... I'd be free. Glancing at my left hand tightly grasping the railing, I glared willing for it to let go. "Come on, Aeron. Be brave. Just like Phil."

I wish I hadn't let go of your hand. You sustained me the whole time. What would I do without you? The small things that I overlooked didn't looked like mere trivial things right now. Back then, every season changed beautifully. I wanted to forget. Like insects flocking towards a firelight, I stared, enamored by the depth underneath the bridge. "I won't apologize. I'll thank you when I meet you there."

"Aeron!" Trembling arms wrapped around my torso. I gasped as Danilo panted behind me. "What do you think you're doing?... ha... Are you insane?! You told me that you're not suicidal. Then, what was that. Huh?!"

After pulling my body away from the railing, I longingly glanced at the fenced edge. If only, there wasn't anything holding me back. If only nothing hindered me, I could have been free. If only I weren't a coward. Danilo frantically turned my shoulders to face him. Beads of sweat fell from his temple. His chest rose and fell. Hands grasped my shoulders on both sides. His grip tightened. I winced. "Speak, Aeron!"

I smiled. I thought things would change, but there was no way that it could be true. When Phil left, he condemned me to a place of facade and lies.

I'd never be able to tell anyone about what I truly felt.

He was the only one who understood me. Now that he's gone, I could never see anyone replacing him.

"Danilo, calm down. I was reminiscing. I don't know if you still remember, but when we were children, Phil did something here. He hung, upside down, in that same spot when we couldn't. I just wanted to try. The height of the bridge didn't scare me like then." With a carefree tone and a nonchalant shrug, I patted my friend's cheek. The terror in his hazel eyes froze my hands. I sighed, feeling his trembling hands atop my shoulder. Caressing his cheeks, I placed my forehead on his.

"Calm down. Where's Yvette?" I stood after patting his shoulder. He remained crouched on the ground. "I apologize if I scared you. Danilo?"

"Don't lie, Aeron. We're the only ones left. You're the only one I have. I saw what you're trying to do. Don't lie to me." His whisper silent and swift, but I heard him.

No, you didn't see anything Danilo. You'd never see me. No one would ever see me in this lifetime. Sighing, I stood beside him and placed a hand on his head. "Let me tell you something. I won't cry over people who haven't left. I won't cry over things that aren't broken. Phil never left, he lives in us. Our friendship will never be broken, it's just that... our communication is gone."

"Fine..." He murmured. I nodded and watched as he stood. We stared at each other until he whispered again. "Fine."

"I'm fine on my own." I said with a wide smile. I could easily say those words when lying. Since it's mere words, I could say it. Hearing my words, he clenched his jaw before turning his back.

"Come. Yvette's waiting. If you hadn't notice, it's sunset. Let's leave. My skin's already crawling from too much time spent in this town. It's better if we didn't visit. Let's forget everything that came from this town." I listened as he grumbled under his breath. Watching as he placed his hands in his pockets, I noticed that they still trembled. His spine still stiff and his head slightly lowered.

It'd would have been nice if I could see feelings with my eyes. No, I didn't want that. That'd be too harsh. I know, I lied. He wanted to live for others, and it drove him in a corner. In the end, in the last moments of his life, he lived for himself.

And I knew that it set him free. I wished to also do that, but my fate seemed to be set in stone. I didn't think that I could change it, unlike Phil.

Unless, it was also his fate to die.

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"Dinner will be in an hour." Angeline's muffled voice came behind the closed door. Fatigue enveloped my limbs as I slumped on the floor, my back leaning against my bed. On our way back, Yvette kept on pestering Danilo and I to make up while the both of us ignored her. Danilo didn't talk with me after we came back inside the bus. Their stares made a large gaping hole at the back of my neck.

I never thought that I'd succumbed to my inner demons that easily. It was that town's fault. The past's presence was too burdening for me to endure without any repercussions. Another withdrawal didn't need much cause for it to occur. Being with that many people inside our small and desolate hometown, only brought the gloom on my shoulders.

I told myself that I would stop chasing after unattainable things that left. That I would never look back at the past again. However, I hadn't realized the impact that Phil's farewell imprinted in my head. From now on, I should stop thinking about what ifs and just accept the things that would never be. "I feel like I'm making a mistake, but surely there's no getting around."

He's watching with eyes of a crow. He knew. I didn't want to let his death influence me any longer. I laughed. Here I am cooped up in a locked room. Four plain colored walls surrounded my slumped figure. In a corner, there's an unmade bed filled with tossed books. On a desk beside the bed was a single plain laptop. Documents and papers littered my carpet along with unwashed shirts and shorts. Atop my bookshelf, a large sealed box collected dust. "I can't even bring myself to burn it."

My phone started vibrating in my left pocket. Grunting, I pushed myself off the floor. Danilo's name blinked on the screen. Behind the doors, I heard laughter from both father and daughter. Closing my eyes, I envisioned the family inside the dining room. Their smiles and gleeful laughter struck an arrow behind me. It swiftly passed through my flesh until I saw the arrowhead in the middle of my chest.

Their voices sounded confident about the good things that might occur tomorrow. That confidence broke my heart a little. I walked towards the window. Pulling the curtain, I glanced at the cloudy and murky sky.

The corner of my lips twitched as I tried to smile. I scoffed. There's no use pretending that I can smile when there's no one around. No matter how much I pretend that I had the ability to smile, I'll still be empty inside.

"Aeron don't do it." I muttered under my breath. My chest twinged. It shouldn't be something to be sad about. Still, a tear dropped on the floor. I immediately sniffed, wiping the steady stream of silent tears trailing down from my eyes. I shouldn't be sad, but tears fell. That should be the cause, the emptiness inside.

I wanted to follow you, but I survived. That must be it. Because even today, I'm still an empty husk.

"Aeron?" I jumped. Three knocks and a sigh came from behind the door. "I've been calling you for minutes. Eat your dinner, son."

"Yes, Angeline."

Light filtered inside my room as I pulled open the door. Angeline's straight blonde hair framed her small face. She always wore a gentle smile. Her petite figure reached my shoulders. I lowered my chin to smile at her. "Sorry, I was talking with Yvette."

"That's good." She nodded. Her hands draped on my shoulder as she grinned. "Come, I cooked your favorite lasagna. By the way, you should invite that girl here sometimes. I've been wanting to meet her since you accidentally blurted her name. I don't even know any of your friends. What kind of mom would I be if I didn't know my son's friends?"

"Don't worry." I said. Returning her smile, I pulled her closer to my figure. Her touched burned through my clothes, but I endured it. If there was a person in this world who didn't deserve any of my bullshit, it's her. "One day, you'll meet her. I promise. Someday, Angeline." I'm certain that Yvette would voluntarily meet her once I'm free.

...Or they could meet at my funeral.

"Sit, son. Tell us about your visit to your mom's hometown." That's my Dad's idea of a greeting once we reached the dining table. He sat on the head of the table with Olevia at his left. I silently took a seat beside Angeline.

Ignoring my father had been a welcomed and needed habit that I developed. I sensed three pairs of eyes staring but I stared straight ahead. When he realized that I wouldn't reply he kept his silence.